Aging Hipster: I Did Blow 40 Feet From Obama!

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David Cross, the occasionally funny, occasionally self-righteous comedian and star of Alvin and the Chipmunks, tells an audience in Washington, D.C. that he snorted coke "maybe 40 feet" from President Barack Obama during the White House Correspondent's Dinner. Politico's Click (a bizarre satellite website featuring D.C.-related gossip, like this hot story about Bob Schieffer singing karaoke) has all the sordid details:

Comedian David Cross brought his stand-up routine to Washington's Warner Theatre Wednesday night and made a shocking confession (assuming he wasn't joking…) at the end of his routine: That he snorted cocaine while seated just yards away from President Barack Obama at this year's White House Correspondents' Association dinner.

"So I got to go because my girlfriend is a fancy Hollywood actress and she got an invitation to go this last time, so we went," the "Arrested Development" star told the crowd. He went on to say that he has an ongoing competition with a friend in which the two try to constantly out-do each other in "dares and outrageousness."

Cross said that he was seated "super close to the president" and seated with or near former Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, former Defense Secretary Don Rumsfeld, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia and "the editor-in-chief of the USA Today."

"But it's crazy and there's security, Secret Service is standing there," said Cross. "I've got photos of all this. … I'm there and the president is right here and with all these people at the table" Cross snorted some coke, he said. "Maybe 40 feet from the president of the United States!" Cross said he texted his friend to say, "No way you can ever top that."

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  1. First, Cross is so obviously gay, the claim that his girlfriend got him the tickets renders the entire story incredible. Second, if he were doing blow that close to the President, the Secret Service would have scored some for Obama.

    1. How is Cross “obviously gay,” John?

      1. I think John thinks that Tobias Funke is what Cross is like in real life. Which may be true, I don’t know, but I’ve seen him play straight just as well as he plays obliviously gay.

      2. Because Cross doesn’t suck Bush’s cock like John does.

        1. Holy shit, a comment from shrike that doesn’t mention Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck or racism. The world is about to end.

    2. You sure you’re not thinking of the way he played Tobias and not himself, John? Because I don’t think Cross is gay.

      1. Nothing against Cross. I think he is funny. He was great on Best Week Ever. And I don’t care that he is gay. But that guy sends totally registers on my gaydar. He seems every bit as gay as Mo Racca or Ted Allen.

        1. First, Cross is so obviously gay, the claim that his girlfriend got him the tickets renders the entire story incredible.

          Lookup, ‘beard’, and ‘fag hag’.

    3. What the fuck does David Cross’s sexuality – perceived or real – have to do with this story?

  2. Arrested Development atones for any of David Cross’s sins. That show was hilarious.

    1. Not too sure about that. He comes off only slightly less annoying than Andy Dick.

      1. Well, to be honest, I haven’t seen anything else that he does.

        Ugh, you had to bring up Andy Dick? I had almost forgotten about that twisted little turd blossom.

        1. Mr. Show is some great sketch comedy. I used to be a huge fan of David Cross, I just can’t stand his self-righteous whining in his stand-up routine.

        2. Listen to Shut up You Fucking Baby. It’s so self righteous and pretentious.

    2. I agree. Same with Jason Bateman. In fact that whole cast couldn’t have been better.

  3. I seriously doubt that he snorted cocaine while sitting in public with government officials in plain view of dozens of law enforcement.

    At best, he snorted coke in the bathroom.

    1. The story breaks down the moment he claims his girlfriend go the tickets. His faghag maybe. But girlfriend no way.

      1. Cross has had several girlfriends over the years. Maybe he’s bisexual, but he’s not gay.

        1. Didn’t Jim McGreevey marry two women and have two daughters, and isn’t he gay?

          Hint: yes he did, and yes he is.

        2. Those girlfriends don’t mean anything.

    2. “I seriously doubt that he snorted cocaine while sitting in public with government officials in plain view of dozens of law enforcement.”

      maybe they were eating french toast?

    3. Bullet?

    4. I’m sure he would have used a “bullet” like most people use in LA clubs. I seriously doubt he meant chopping up lines on the table.

      1. Entirely plausible.

    5. Wow, hilarious, someone responding on a libertarian website who has no fucking clue how drugs work.

      http://tweetphoto.com/p0bxaifu

      A bump, you fucking idiot, is a tiny amount of cocaine done off of a key, a fingernail, the web of your hand, etc. It is an easy way to get cocaine into your body when at a club, somewhere in public, etc.

      You people sound like a bunch of fucking morons.

      PS- The homophobic garbage in the comments? A+++! I can’t imagine how you fucking morons scare away everyone but a disgruntled Republican stereotype.

      1. Whoa buddy, tone it down a little.

  4. Well when does the scandal come out about the guy/girl that had Obama do blow OFF OF THEM!? Because that will make Cross look like the pansy he is.

  5. This falls into the category of too much information that we don’t need to know.

  6. Yeah, sure, and he played footsie under the table with Michelle?

  7. Coke’s easy. One-hits would be something to brag about.

  8. Maybe he pretended to drop something and did a key bump under the table? But yeah, I feel like at an event like this someone is watching every single move that every person makes.

  9. That’s great, David. Why do you assume I care?

  10. This is exactly what celebrities need to be doing.

    On a related note, I lived in DC for a while and wondered where all the cocaine was and then I realized that people in that city are particularly career driven. If I ever hear of cocaine in Washington DC I’m surprised.

    1. All sorts of clubs, strip clubs, and rich people in DC. Not to mention diplomatic pouches to import select quantities.

      It’s not as popular in DC, but it’s around.

    2. Bah! DC has immense amounts of Cocaine:

      http://paxalles.blogs.com/paxa…..years.html

      Pow!

  11. Damn, I just ate some doritos.

  12. That picture is freaking me out.

  13. Doubtful. If there was cocaine present, Obama wouldn’t have stayed 40 feet away for long.

  14. I was at the show last night. It wasn’t clear (to me anyway) that Cross was saying he literally snorted coke at the dinner or that he just mimed doing it. It was the last joke before Cross walked off the stage and the show was over.

    It was at least funnier than his 20 minute-long routine on health care, which included a shout-out for a public option and Cross wondering, quite earnestly, how anybody could be so stupid as to oppose it.

    1. Especially given the high cost of AIDS.

  15. David Cross did an interpretive dance, culminating in his mooning the crowd, at a Spoon concert I went to a few years ago. Pretty funny, but I’ve definitely had my share of naked Cross.

    1. What is up with que balls having so much body hair? It is like it grows everywhere but where it is supposed to.

      1. I guess no one ever explained to you how testosterone works.

        Also, he’s not gay dude.

  16. Que balls? Is that Spanglish?

    Oh, cue balls. Why? It’s just nature being insanely stupid. Just like how hair stops growing where it always has and starts growing where it never was.

    Ear hair? Really? What fucking natural advantage did evolution give us on that one?

    1. I have a friend who is a total cue ball and he was at dinner with blood running down the side of his ear. He had cut himself shaving.

      It kind of cuts against both intelligent design and evolution. Clearly human beings were not designed for survival or in the image of a benevelent God. They were designed by a commedian.

      1. Rosie O’Donnell.

        That’s the kind of shit she would pull, and then snort-laugh to her friend about it.

  17. You know, you never saw nude dudes here before threaded comments were foisted upon us.

    Adnotatiunculae bilicis delenda est.

  18. Wait a minute, his girlfriend was Amber Tamblyn?!? WTF? He’s twenty years older than her and a fuckin’ gargoyle. How does he pull Amber fuckin’ Tamblin?!?

    1. John’s right–she must be a sham girlfriend.

    2. Perhaps he’s swinging some pipe.

    3. He can say, “Did you ever see me on Arrested Development?” Full stop.

      He’ll be milking that for another 20 years, not that I blame him.

      1. But the Tobias character was extremely unfunny on that show.

        David Cross was also the unfunny guy on Mr. Show.

        He’s Johnny Knoxville Lite.

        1. I dunno…”fire sale” was one of the funniest moments in the series. However, he could get on my nerves quite often.

      2. When it comes to milking, he has nothing on me.

    4. If you are on TV, you can get hot chicks even if you are some aging hipster doofus with more hair on your back than on your head. Never over estimate the intelligence and refinement of beautiful women. “Oh but he is so funny and that fur on his back is kind of cute”. Sad.

      1. God dude, fuck off.

        Seriously. You can’t get an attractive and intelligent woman because – judging from your comments – you’re an asshole. Let me guess, you often bemoan the cunts who don’t want nice guiz, right?

        Jesus Christ. This fucking magazine is turning into more of an uptight, stereotypical wankfest joke every fucking day.

        1. “You can’t get an attractive and intelligent woman because – judging from your comments – you’re an asshole.”

          Me rikee irony…

        2. Sorry I insulted your boyfriend.

        3. Calm down dude, you are making the rest of us look bad.

    5. It is amazing what having talent can do for your sex appeal. I am sure the folks above are happier snarking on a message board than nailing hot young actresses who are also published writers..

    6. Not like she is stunning or anything. Decent, average pretty girl, but nothing out of DC’s league.

  19. 40 feet? Wuss. There was a guy who regularly did coke 0 feet from G.W. Bush!

  20. I support David Cross, but I don’t support his decision to be bald.

  21. I have never, EVER … NEVER, EVER … NEVER … EVER, NEVER …

  22. That picture makes me want to personally club a baby seal.

    1. Personally it makes me want to throw dead baby kittens at the PETA headquarters until they promise to never publish anything like that again.

      1. Make it live kittens & you just might be on to something.

        1. Live kittens through one of those three man water balloon launchers

  23. Reason couldn’t find an anti-fur picture with the victoria secret models or a Cross picture of him clothed. No they had to inflict that picture on us.

    Reason, why do you hate your readers so much?

  24. I am assuming that the naked peta ad was the same as his coke near the president confession. Another brazen attempt by a pathetic hollywood douchebag to get some attention? Big ole titty baby.

  25. He certainly has the “appallingly dressed gay man” look down.

  26. Cross is 45 years old, right?

    Isn’t it kinda lame, even ‘squarish’ for a 45 year old to be bragging about doing coke?

    1. Sorry, Dude. I wuz drunk when I said that.

    2. Maximus Thrax-

      Hey, if I had been sitting 40 feet from Obama and had lit up a fatty, I would brag about it to my cannibas cronies.

      1. Guess I’m just gettin’ old.

        BTW, I don’t think Cross is gay. Definitely a Beta or a Herb, though.

  27. I just had a roast beef sandwich. It is nice being on top of the food chain.

  28. John is just bitter that Cross turned him down for Amber Tamblyn.

  29. Has it occurred to anyone that this is a joke and only a joke? Tasteless and un PC, but a joke. Should please most of Reason’s readers.

    1. Sorry we are late, you haven’t started in with your whining yet, have you?

  30. Eh, not impressed.

  31. Cross is known for over-the-top humor. But if this is true, this tops Willie Nelson smoking weed on the roof of Carter’s White House as the most gangsta thing anyone has ever done.

    1. No it doesn’t.

  32. The man was using an Afrin bottle. Cheating! Its not like he was chopping lines with his butter knife on the china!

  33. “…making a principled case for liberty and individual choice in all areas of human activity.”
    Ha!!

  34. Bah. Lightweight.

  35. If he did this, gotta give him some props. However, real legendary coolness points would have required him to jump up, throw the cocaine in the air, and yell, ‘anthrax!’.

    Anything that underlines would a bunch of overrated losers the Naked Emperor Protection Service is composed of gets a thumbs up in my book.

  36. You know, my wife said i look nothing like that guy.

    However, i think she’s being very sympathetic.

  37. I was at the show last night, and thought he killed it. The only bit that annoyed me was his rant in support of national public option health care. I don’t agree with his politics but the guy is hilarious.

  38. who??

  39. Cross drives me nuts comedy-wise. Quite possible one of the funniest human beings on the planet when he collaborates with others (Mr. Show, Arrested Development, and numerous great cameos)…but get him doing his own stand up and he suddenly becomes one of the most unwatchably self-righteous weeners in the business.

    1. oh, i guess they kind of say that in the first sentence…

  40. For my money, Mr. Show is the funniest show ever produced — and Arrested Development is right behind in second place.

    …never really bothered me that David Cross is politically retarded.

    I remember seeing him at Warner Theater in 2003 — he started ripping on Bush hard for invading Iraq — and I remember a number of people started shouting back at him during that particular bit. He was (and almost always is) funny until he started riffing politics.

    1. He was (and almost always is) funny until he started riffing politics.

      That’s generally true of all comediennes.

      1. Argh….lack of caffeine too…*comedians*

        1. Except for Lenny Bruce who was never even remotely funny.

  41. David Cross stole all his early work from Bill Hicks…Much like Tim Leary and a bunch of second rate comedians….Shut up you fucking baby sounds like he just switched up the tracks of Arizona Bay.

    The late, the great, Bill Hicks:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vX1CvW38cHA

    1. Damn you lack of caffeine…Denis Leary

      1. Now if we could just teach him how to pronounce, ‘twuck’ in those commercials. And Leary, if you ever accused me of attending a baby shower to my face, I would punch you so fucking hard your eyeballs would pop out.

  42. I would have been more impressed if he blew a secret service agent to get into the event and then snorted coke off Obama’s ass.

    I think Michelle has him beat. I hear Michelle snorts coke off Obama’s ass in the Lincoln bedroom with a $100 taken from TARP while Rham is jackhammering David Axelrod in the doo-doo hole with a lawn dart as Kenneth Feinberg gives birth to something resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on Katherine Sebelius’s tummy-tum.

  43. It is amazing how defensive and angry the Cross fans are. I think a few them were crying when they wrote their rants.

  44. But that guy sends totally registers on my gaydar. He seems every bit as gay as Mo Racca or Ted Allen

    I tend to agree John. He has that ACT UP kinds vibe going, especially when he gets political in his stand up stuff.

    Mo Rocca is androgenous and possibly a hermaphrodite.

    Ted Allen is gay.

    1. Ted Allen is totally gay. But isn’t creepy like Cross. Allen is the nice gay guy who lives next door to you. Cross is the wierd guy who shows up at your party and stays way past everyone else telling you how pretty your eyes are.

  45. Cross looks like a van driving pedophile. He talks and acts like one to some degree.

  46. Lots of projection taking place here.

  47. was it Diet Coke or Coke Classic he snorted?

  48. a handy tip: acting gay does not = gay.
    inversely: acting str8 does not = str8.

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