Enter Contest to Become the Washington Post's Next Columnist!

Nope, not a hoax.

You've got an opinion, but do you have what it takes to be heard?

Here's your chance to put your opinions to the test -- and win the opportunity to write a weekly column and a launching pad for your opinionating career!

Start making your case.

Use the entry form to send us a short opinion essay (400 words or less) pegged to a topic in the news and an additional paragraph (100 words or less) on yourself and why you should win. Entries will be judged on the basis of style, intelligence and freshness of argument, but not on whether Post editors agree or disagree with your point of view.

If this contest isn't packed to the gills with Hit & Run commenters, my faith in humanity will suffer.

Link via Michael Calderone's Twitter feed.

Comments

[P Brooks]

Would I have to move to DC?

[John-David]

Ugh, too early in the morning for Exra's grinning grill.

[John-David]

Hmm, Exra or Ezra?

[John Tagliaferro]

Matt,

If this contest isn't packed to the gills with Hit & Run commenters, my faith in humanity will suffer.

There are really only about three of us creating all thise hits. Have your IT department manservant start tracking by MAC address instead of IP address.

Or maybe you think they will only get about five takers?

[P Brooks]

Would I get in trouble if I captured that image and used it for pistol targets?

[Xeones]

That would be racist, P Brooks.

[jkp]

Got it. So Wash Post finally wised up and realized there's no point in paying for opinion columns when there's tons of people will do it for free.

I give them credit for that.

[John Tagliaferro]

That would be racist, P Brooks.

It isn't racist when the target is Jewish, Xeones.

[Xeones]

Nice try, John T, but you're a racist too.

[John Tagliaferro]

Nice try, John T, but you're a racist too.

I can't be racist, just look at my ethnic last name!

[P Brooks]

I could photoshop some whiteface and smeary lipstick on him, I suppose.

-----

And remember, boys and girls; you'll be competing with Ben Stein, so you'll have to really put up your best work.

[John Tagliaferro]

I could photoshop some whiteface and smeary lipstick on him, I suppose.

And have showtunes play on the mouseover?

[Xeones]

I can't be racist, just look at my ethnic last name!

I'm looking, and all i see is HONKY.

Although, come to think of it, you're probably fascist to boot.

[Kevin]

They would have to create an "adult" section of the paper for Warty's column.

[PM770]

I've got to think that if you can slip into your opinion piece that you have a strong working knowledge of Netflix procedures, you'll be a shoo-in.

[P Brooks]

And have showtunes play on the mouseover?

Great. Now I (don't ASK why!) have that fucking tophatted cartoon frog singing Hello My Baby/ Hello My Honey looping in my head.

thx, jrk

[dbcooper]

SugarFree should definitely have a fiction column. Something like the New Yorker's "Shouts and Murmurs", but with more details like wanting to f*ck on the astroturf.

[John Tagliaferro]

Although, come to think of it, you're probably fascist to boot.

Um, I do have some black 16" riding boots. Get out of my closet!

Back on topic, I need to toss this thread to Suki. She has been towing the lion on the blog for months.

thx, jrk

yw

[Johnny Longtorso]

My first column will be comparing the Polanski case to the Acorn videos, to show what the left thinks about 13 year old girls and, by extension, the rest of humanity. Think I'll win?

[John Tagliaferro]

JL,

I accept your challange! I too shall enter, however I will write about legalization of woman-to-woman marriage, legalization of recreational drugs, lesbian shotgun weddings and redistribution of wealth after same sex divorce.

[P Brooks]

A free range chicken in every pot!

[SugarFree]

The pistol traget's too good for Ezra. I thinking urinal target, but he probably likes watersports.

[John Tagliaferro]

Gutentag SugarFree.

[Mike Laursen]

America's Next Great Pundit. Please, God, let it be URKOBOLD.

[Tulpa]

I have absolutely no desire to become an opinion columnist, but I'm going to enter using Lonewacko's name and address. That would be awesome if I/Lonewacko win.

[Xeones]

Tulpa, just make sure to take a strong pro-immigration stance, and the ensuing shenanigans will be a joy to behold.

[Johnny Longtorso]

A free range chicken in every pot!

Not being vegan is racist.

[SugarFree]

I can't decide if I should fake an article to their prejudices to win or attempt to horrify them into shutting down the contest.

[P Brooks]

Warty needs a pic of Ezra "Mister PunchableFace 2009" Klein for his heavy bag.

[P Brooks]

Will these contest entries be available for the edification of the great unwashed intertube masses?

It doesn't really matter; I suspect I would be compelled to gouge out my eyes with a dirty spoon if I tried reading any of them. Contemplating the quality of the writing alone makes me nauseous.

[Tony]

I'd like a pic of Ezra as well, but it'll need to be laminated!

[Hugh Akston]

Trojan Horse it SF, when you win and they actually give you the column-inches to fill, make them understand what changing the world with the power of the press really means.

[Xeones]

Um, P, you know what Warty really does with that bag, right? The picture is going to end up with holes where the mouth and eyes should be.

[SugarFree]

But what should I write about? Hmm...

[P Brooks]

I never specified what he might "punch" it with.

[Johnny Longtorso]

My second column will be about this important issue:

http://jonathanturley.org/2009/09/24/new-jersey-judge-drops-charges-against-police-officer-for-having-sex-with-cows-on-the-grounds-that-they-may-have-enjoyed-it/

...Morley ruled that oral sex with cows cannot constitute animal cruelty since the cows aren't talking and may not have been "tormented" or "puzzled" by the experience.

In a simply amazing exchange with prosecutors, Morley went into the uncertainties of man-cow relations: "If the cow had the cognitive ability to form thought and speak, would it say, 'Where's the milk? I'm not getting any milk,'" You are allowed to drop your coffee in amazement at this point.

Morley went on to explain that children are comforted by pacifiers and perhaps cows are equally pacified by police officers in these cases: "They [children] enjoy the act of suckling," the judge said. "Cows may be of a different disposition." You are allowed to throw up in disgust at this point.

Morley ignored that one cow head-butted Melia in the stomach and appeared far from happy. The prosecutor objected that the cows were "very upset" by Melia's action and stated "I think any reasonable juror could infer that a man's penis in the mouth of a calf is torment. It's a crime against nature." The problem is that New Jersey does not currently have a ban on bestiality as opposed to animal cruelty....

[Anonymous]

John Tagliaferro,

Have your IT department manservant start tracking by MAC address instead of IP address.

For what it's worth, that's not possible. But I laughed, anyway.

[P Brooks]

SugarFree, I think you should write the orgy scene from Obama's pitch to the IOC. If you need inspiration, call Max Mosely.

Don't forget, he's taking Michelle along...

*winks suggestively*

[Invisible Finger]

If this contest isn't packed to the gills with Hit & Run commenters, my faith in humanity will suffer.

If this contest isn't packed to the gills with Hit & Run columnists, my faith in humanity will suffer.

Who am I kidding? I have no faith in humanity.

[SugarFree]

I keep trying to write the fake one and I keep wanting to punch myself in the kidney. I know that means I'm on the right track, but it's hard to churn out.

[John Tagliaferro]

Not being vegan is racist.

Anti-Santoria is racist.

[John Tagliaferro]

For what it's worth, that's not possible.

Quit spoiling my unpossible humor for others please?

[John Tagliaferro]

I'd like a pic of Ezra as well, but it'll need to be laminated!

Is "lamanation" the new word for hair gel?

[JW]

Jebus, that's just not just a punchable face, but a donkey punchable face.

[John]

"I can't decide if I should fake an article to their prejudices to win or attempt to horrify them into shutting down the contest."

You have to do the latter. Something thoroughly disgusting preferably involving the Supreme Court and Michelle Obama.

[John Tagliaferro]

I can't decide if I should fake an article to their prejudices to win or attempt to horrify them into shutting down the contest.

Why not try both?

[EJM]

Don't forget, Change.org is hiring new bloggers.

(Full disclosure: I occasionally comment over there.)

[S.A.]

They should have called it "So You Think You Can Opine?"

[R C Dean]

They would have to create an "adult" section of the paper for Warty's column.

I'm beginning to see a business plan that could save the failing newspaper industry.

[P Brooks]

You might want to check with Christie Hefner before you get too excited, R C.

[Craig]

The intelligence agency disinformation/publishing complex still doesn't get it. All they have to do is let ALL of their readers publish blogs on their site, then let the best (as selected by reader traffic) rise to the top. It's called freedom. It's called the Internet.

Instead they want to continue exercising editorial control, selecting what they think their readers ought to read.

[T]

All they have to do is let ALL of their readers publish blogs on their site, then let the best (as selected by reader traffic) rise to the top.

Yeah, DailyKos does that and look what fantastic work they turn out.

[Kool]

SF, good luck! I can't formulate an opposing argument due to the sheer illogic. I'd (you more appropriately, you'd) have to completely ignore the constant nagging coming from your (my?) own conscience saying "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

I remember losing a debate on whether English should be the National Language. I opted for the "of course not, 1st Amendment and all" side... I was put on the "For" team. Although I did pretty well, I felt like a whore.

[Nipplemancer]

i'm going to argue for the invalidation of the constitution on the grounds that one hundred percent of the original voters are now dead and probably don't care so much anymore. that way we can install a god-emperor of the universe to be determined by monthly lottery.

[SugarFree]

OK, I've submitted it. I'm not going to post it to keep them from googling it during the plagiarism check.

[R C Dean]

Yeah, DailyKos does that and look what fantastic work they turn out.

Check their site traffic before you get all snippy.

[Franklin Harris]

OK, I've submitted it. I'm not going to post it to keep them from googling it during the plagiarism check.

You think they actually do a plagiarism check? Bwahahahaha!

[T]

Check their site traffic before you get all snippy.

Popularity, in this case measured by site traffic, doesn't equal quality, RC.

[R C Dean]

Popularity, in this case measured by site traffic, doesn't equal quality, RC.

I never said it did. I was merely pointing out that the Kos model is very successful and driving traffic. Which, by the way, is what newspapers need to do to survive.

[Joshua Corning]

I can't be racist, just look at my ethnic last name!

Sadly this means I have to a racist.....but it is not so bad, my black 5th cousin twice removed has it way worse.

[anonymous]

"Morley went on to explain that children are comforted by pacifiers and perhaps cows are equally pacified by police officers in these cases: "They [children] enjoy the act of suckling," the judge said. "Cows may be of a different disposition." You are allowed to throw up in disgust at this point."

Wouldn't a better headline be "New jersey judge suggest children enjoy being sodomized by cops"?

[jtuf]

Thank, but no thanks Washington Post. I have my own website.

[Free Microsoft Points]

This would have been a cool contest had I seen it in time.