Don't Laugh. He Still Got a Piece of the Bailout.

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Via Talking Points Memo, in an effort to sway him toward imposing a stiffer sentence more restrictive rules of confinement, the U.S. Attorney's Office for the Southern District of New York submitted to Judge Denny Chin a stack of emails from victims of Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme. Among them:

From: [redacted]
Sent: Saturday, March 07, 2009 6:38 PM
Subject: REPLY ME

My Name is Mr. [redacted] but my origin is from Republic of Congo. I have an inherited fund I want to invest in a business in your country with a help of a local. I don't know about what business but I found it wise to invest the funds in your country with your collaboration with me.

Ever since I move to Dubai due to the problem in my country, I have not been able to invest the funds in Dubai due to security reasons. Now I am seeking foreign assistance to transfer the funds in your country based on the news of their development.

If you can assist, I am willing to give you 10% of the funds that is US$3.5Million. You will understand that my entire life and future depend on this money and I shall be very grateful if you can assist me. The major thing I demand from you is the absolute assurance that the funds will be safe and you will not sit on it when it is transferred into your account.

I will be willing to coming to your country once everything has been done and the funds are in your bank to discuss on lucrative investment in your country.

I hope to hear from you so that we might get to talk better on this issue. Please do give me your contact information in order for me to call you ASAP.

If this email offends your moral value, do accept my apology.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Best Regards,

[redacted]

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  1. Comedy freaking gold.

  2. Just curious, is another piece of evidence an e-mail promising 50 years of bad luck if it’s not forwarded to 100 different people?

  3. Hey, an unwanted emailer apologizing for being offensive is a beautiful thing. My mother sends me dozens of horrible jokes and chain letters each week and hasn’t apologized once.

    We need this crap culled from the web, that way we can all download our porn faster.
    Can I get an amen!

  4. My mother sends me dozens of horrible jokes and chain letters each week and hasn’t apologized once.

    I’ve been waging a ten year war on this same front. My mom still doesn’t have a home computer and Inter connection and her work is locked down. when she asks, I’m like “The Web is boring and email is super slow and useless.” Whew.

  5. Jeff P – tell your mom that you have a new special email account for those emails, and give her your congressman’s email address.

  6. My mother sends me dozens of horrible jokes and chain letters each week and hasn’t apologized once.

    I refuse to associate with the type of person who does this. I suggest ceasing all contact with your mother.

  7. Why is everybody persicuting embattled nations like Congo and Dubai?

  8. I normally to Mom respond with the a link to the Snopes page debunking whatever patent falsehood her mail is spreading.

    And somewhere in the Congo (or Nigeria) there’s a bank owner’s son trying to legitimately move a large amount of currency out of the country and wondering why he can’t get any takers…

  9. TofuSusshi-

    Are you conflating the economies of the Congo and Dubai? Time for you to brush up on your geo-political and socio-economic current events.

  10. OMG. Still laughing!
    Even The Onion hasn’t made something like that up yet. Maybe they should hire some US Attorneys. At least then they would be where they’re competent.

  11. I also plan to craft a plausible-sounding rumor of how the estimated three-billion chain emails currently clogging our beloved internet threaten to reach critical mass and cripple the web, and call for a No-Forwarding Day.

  12. I feel so much better now that the right people are in charge. These folks should have the financial sector turned around lickedy split.

  13. Libertymike,

    Making fun of the people of Congo and Dubai is racist, if you did not know what you are doing is called.

  14. Please send me contact info for Mr.X from Congo. I’d like to work with him so that his investments do not end up in hands of bloated plutocrat libertarian Shruggers.

  15. Jeff P,

    I got an e-mail like that in late March one year and left my computer turned off for two weeks.

    Finally broke the rule of the letter in mid-April and turned it back on before getting an e-mail saying the internet was cleaned.

    Everything worked much better but I still never got the all-clear e-mail.

  16. Funny, I don’t remember sending this to uncle bernie.

  17. Got a question for the commenters.
    Why does only one other poster besides me focus on the display of utter incompetence by pretty powerful agents of our government?
    Nigerian or Congo or whatever scam mails have been around for a decade and more and aren’t at the heart of this issue.
    Utter loss for words? Resignation? Callousness brought on by yet another display of incompetence? Other reasons?

  18. Callousness brought on by yet another display of incompetence?

    This one.

  19. Don’t forget, Earth Hour is just around the corner: 8:30pm, March 28th 2009.

  20. Callousness brought on by yet another display of incompetence?

    Bingo. Regulars around here are inundated with governmental stupidity stories. We’ve gone numb.

  21. Don’t forget, Earth Hour is just around the corner: 8:30pm, March 28th 2009.

    To skewer the words of the great Maddox if I may, for every light you turn off, I’ll turn on three…

  22. Martin –

    Trust me, everyone else here notices the complete and utter incompetence of the public officials.

    Maybe it’s just that if we don’t find the humor in very obviously humorous things, we’ll go insane.

  23. I’m not numb or callous, I’m simply in a state of continuous indignation. Kind of like Dr. McCoy on Star Trek.

  24. PL,

    Your indignation gland must be in a sorry state. Are you on a transplant list?

  25. I get the impression that the prosecutor plays three card monte every day to, and figures he’s due to make a bundle one of these days.

  26. I’ve never heard it called an Indignation Gland, although mine is know to spew a few invectives from time to time…

  27. I’m not numb or callous, I’m simply in a state of continuous indignation.

    Won’t that chafe?

  28. Epi: you must lubricate your gland well before thrusting with righteous fury…

  29. No, my indignation gland is sound. I bolster it by taking daily doses of Irethroid?.

  30. Bernie Madoff should be released, just for that.

    Let’s hope all of his investors were similar.

  31. Pro Lib: Try Damitol instead. Fewer side effects.
    FYI Jennifer takes Dramaquine. We’re such a mellow couple.

  32. Why does only one other poster besides me focus on the display of utter incompetence by pretty powerful agents of our government?

    That’s funny, I thought this was post was focussing on the display of utter incompetence, etc.

  33. Indignation Gland

    That’s just another name for a spleen that takes shit way too seriously.

  34. Thanks, Jeff P, I plan to take them all.

  35. I once saw Epi’s spleen eat this other’s guys spleen. His spleen is hardcore.

  36. Is that on Youtube?

  37. NBC made us take it down, but they won’t put it up Hulu. Bastards.

  38. You get to keep it up when I get my royalty payments, bitches.

    I may be against IP but not for myself, of course.

  39. It’s unfair use, dude.

  40. An actual email in my inbox:

    Subject: GREETINGS!!!

    Compliments of the season,

    My name is Grace, wife of President Mugabe from Zimbabwe. I have a Business Proposal for you to handle with my son and I from your country. I will need you to assist us in executing this Business Project from South-Africa to your country for investment.

    DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL BECAUSE YOU MIGHT NOT BE ATTEND TO.

    If interested, kindly reply with your full Contact Details to: grmugabe09@gmail.com for more elaboration.

    Looking forward to your call.

    Best regards,
    GRACE

  41. Oh, I know Grace. That’s probably legitimate.

  42. What’s a buggy whip?

  43. Jeff P, you mention Damitol and Dramaquine.

    Are those drugs manufactured by the same company that developed the nitrous oxide (NO) compound NO Acetol? It has proven to be a foolproof contraceptive.

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