Reason Writers Around Town: Jacob Sullum on Environmentally Correct Ass Wipes

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What did you wipe your butt with this morning, and did you feel guilty about it? Over at The New York Times, Senior Editor Jacob Sullum participates in a forum on "Toilet Paper and Other Moral Choices."

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  1. TP? Oh, I thought he referred to AlGore…

  2. I don’t know about you peasants, but i use raw silk.

  3. The bear asks the rabbit, “Does sh*t stick to your fur?” and the rabbit says no, so the bear ….

  4. “The bear asks the rabbit, “Does sh*t stick to your fur?” and the rabbit says no, so the bear ….”

    Finish it.

  5. You people use toilet paper? I though you pussies all used bidets.

    As for myself, I wipe my ass with copies of the constitution and hundred dollar bills to emulate our masters in government.

  6. I’m really incorrect then, I use flushable wipes. I do feel kinda guilty, but it’s a damn clean guilty.

  7. I gave up pooping for Lent.

  8. What sort of earnest / pretentious politically correct obcessed ass actually cares about this sort of stuff?

    I go to Costco and get the cheap Bale O’ TP.

  9. I use poison ivy leaves in penance for years of irrational exuberance.

  10. I use my students’ test papers. They never even notice the difference when I hand them back.

  11. Indeed Xeones. Personally I water my lawn with Dom P. and fill my pet’s water dish with Cristal.

  12. Should we be forced by law to use recycled toilet paper, would the subsequent underground distribution be called a “brown market”?

  13. Goose necks, baby. It’s the only way to go.

  14. I gave up pooping for Lent.

    How many Lent-heads did you see yesterday?
    Nothing says “superstitious exhibitionist idiot” like carbon on the forehead.

  15. Nothing says “superstitious exhibitionist idiot” like carbon on the forehead.

    Meh. As long as they aren’t trying to smear anything on me, I couldn’t care less.

  16. Seashells dammit!!! Where are the three sea shells!?!?! And why the hell did I see other restaurants besides Taco Bell this morning?

  17. I use coal, which I cover with oil and burn in the backyard afterward.

  18. Pro Lib,

    I use tequila to make diamonds! Oh yeah. I went there.

  19. I’m going to start using pages from “Capitalism and Freedom.”

  20. I then break down said diamonds into coal which I burn to keep the mirrors in my bathroom from fogging up.

  21. Hell, I’d sheets of velvet if I could afford it. Hmm, there’s a product in there somewhere …

  22. Naga,

    That better be one of those joke thingees. ‘Cause if you’re a tequila-burning physicist, well, I hope you carry taint insurance.

  23. I fear for my taint far to much to actually burn agave plants. You may rest easy.

  24. True wisdom. Now, if you could come up with a way to convert diamonds into tequila, you would receive both fame and fortune.

  25. Indeed. Diamond flavored tequila for the masses or for private hoarding? Personally, I have this image of me on a castle veranda overlooking my minions with such a bottle of pure envy! That would make a good commercial!

  26. Real men (and women) use bio-degradable corn cobs.

  27. Nothing says “The Man” more than drinking tequila made from diamonds. Diamonds are mined by near-slave labor, and the quantity of diamonds it takes to make one bottle of tequila is truly staggering.

  28. How many Lent-heads did you see yesterday?
    Nothing says “superstitious exhibitionist idiot” like carbon on the forehead.

    Considering the vast majority of the “Lent-heads” are CAPErs, it’s most likely just a sign that some denominations are becoming more of a cultural institution and less of a religious one.

  29. Pro Lib,

    Why do I suddenly have a suspicion of all your “in-depth” knowledge? You have some don’t you!!!

  30. “…so the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit”

  31. Maybe.

  32. 2Girls1Forum?

    There better be some serious talk at this forum about Japanese school girls and coprophagia as an acceptable alternative if they expect us to take them seriously.

  33. Real men (and women) use bio-degradable corn cobs.

    The price of corn cobs is being driven through the roof by ethanol; expect “corn cob riots” by late spring.

  34. “What did you wipe your butt with this morning, and did you feel guilty about it?”

    Matt W.’s tongue.

    And no, not at all.

  35. Please, Mr. Brooks. The terms “corn cobs” and “driven through” should never be used in the same sentence.

  36. Just an aside, but a freind of mine would often say — in response to some Luddite — “Corn cobs was good enough for my Grand Pappy. And corncobs was good enough for my Pappy. And dang nabbit, corncobs is good enough for me!

  37. I use Charmin flushable wipes that I buy at Wal-Mart. So hopefully I’m offending a lot of people.

  38. Two finger flick works for me

  39. Cottonelle’s flushable wipes are a little thicker than Charmin’s, so not only are they better at keeping shit off your fingers, but they also bother environmentalists more. Win,win.

  40. True story. In the 30’s at the height of the depression, my great great uncle emigrated to the U.S. from Europe. The first day here, the family noticed that he had tacked a picture of Hitler to the door of the outhouse (from a cover of Time). Not knowing his political leanings (he was European, after all), no one dared take it down. At the end of the week he came storming into the breakfast yelling in a thick accent (my grandpa does a good imitation of him):

    “By Jimminy I done put the Fuhrer’s picture in the shithouse and none done used him yet!”

  41. So now that we have nothing else worth talking about, we are considering the morality of toilet paper.

    What crap!

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