It's Not Christmastime Anymore, it's Armagideon

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Your chart of the day comes from Econompic Data, whose editor notices that stock in Taser and canned soup was outperforming the S&P index.

I personally can't think of any pure bomb shelter plays (although the housing index is up over the past three months), but over the past three months; Campbell Soup Co (which also happened to be the ONLY stock in the S&P 500 that was up yesterday) and Taser International are up 16% and 34% respectively. This compares very favorably to the S&P 500, which has struggled and is down 14% over that time frame.

Via Ezra Klein. I echo his challenge: Build your own Apocalypse portfolio!

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  1. I’m buying Cyberdine, Spectacular Optical, and Massive Dynamic. Maybe some Network 23.

  2. Why should we arm a gideon? In my experience, they just want us to read the bible, and offer it free for our use. I don’t think they really want to force themselves upon us at gunpoint.

  3. Episiarch — I get the Cyberdine reference, but where are the other names from?

  4. I’m sticking with GE. While you’re all out fighting over quarts of gasoline, I’ll be in the GE bunker, powered by fusion and defended by high-powered lasers.

    Just heard that Buffet’s injecting $3 billion into GE, by the way. Good. I need a bailout after my Wamulathon last week.

  5. Pro Lib/Epi,

    You fools! Invest in Ford. Then you can create your own V8 Interceptor to prowl the Wastelands in your never ending quest for gasoline.

  6. Naga,

    You’re not reading my postings carefully. It’s to avoid that very lifestyle that attracts me to GE and its domed cities, toga-based society, and Carousel of Progress Death.

    GE has the bomb, too, I believe.

  7. Given the Law Enforcement Problems in Detroit, it might be about time to invest in Omni Consumer Products – I’m hearing good things about their prototype Enforcement Droid Series 209

  8. Naga,

    Funny you mention that, I just bought a lot of F this morning.

    Great minds and all that . . .

  9. Episiarch — I get the Cyberdine reference, but where are the other names from?

    Spectacular Optical — Videodrome

    Massive Dynamic — Fringe

    Network 23 — Max Headroom

  10. Smith & Wesson, Exxon, Jack Daniels, gold futures, and any publicly traded porn company.

  11. No-one things Vault-Tec is a good buy? for shame.

  12. I’m investing in Oscar Meyer and Smithfield.

    Who run Bartertown?

  13. Jamie Kelly,

    Dude, you’ve hit on it. A bunker in Lynchburg, Tennessee!

  14. I’m buying Cyberdine, Spectacular Optical, and Massive Dynamic. Maybe some Network 23.

    Are you bearish on Blue Sun?

  15. I dunno. Tasers are more of an ante-Armageddon weapon. The kind you would use if you were concerned with the possibility of repercussions from a still extent legal system.

  16. Network 23 — Max Headroom

    Way back in the mid 80’s, my roommate at the time and I watched Max Headroom for the first time on Showtime while stoned off our gourds. We stumbled across it while channel surfing and hadn’t heard of it before.

    We had to watch it again straight just to be sure that what we remembered actually happened on the show. So, no, it wasn’t the drugs, for once.

    And not the tepid-ass American version either. It was the good old UK version that served to introduce Max as a VJ to British television viewers.

  17. I saw a Blue Sun t-shirt for sale the other day, so it must be doing well.

  18. No-one things Vault-Tec is a good buy? for shame.

    I was staying away from games; they’re so loaded with evil companies that there are just too many. Though Shinra Electric Power Company would be a good choice.

  19. “things.” Gah. No matter how short the post, always hit preview. Always.

  20. Pro Lib,

    Toga wearing society? Good lord! This Censor business is gettin’ outta hand. Body armor and leather are the outfits of the future!

  21. Matthew,

    Since I assume you are now a major stockholder please try to pressure Ford to begin manufactoring the Ford Falcon. The bedrock car for the V8 interceptor.

  22. ProL, I have this one of Jayne’s. If the link is bad, it’s the one with the “28” and the Chinese characters that say “the militant elves”.

  23. Build your own Apocalypse portfolio!

    Is this going to be anything like Choose Your Own Adventure? Because, despite those books being lame, you could always cheat and flip back if you didn’t like your choice.

    Come to think of it, is it too late to sneak a similar provision into the bailout bill? Seems to fit the spirit of the thing.

  24. If things are going apocalyptic, no one would be a better role model for us than Jayne Cobb.

    Naga,

    I was going down the Logan’s Run path. GE did that Carousel of Progress at Disney World, and Logan’s Run had that Carousel where 30-year olds got zapped. I saw a connection and seized the moment.

  25. Well . . . carpe diem indeed. For some reason I picture you from Six String Samurai fighting the Russian Army in post apocalyptic America.

  26. Is this going to be anything like Choose Your Own Adventure? Because, despite those books being lame, you could always cheat and flip back if you didn’t like your choice.

    Those were the worst. Totally defeats the purpose. Yet strangely compelling…I would make all the wrong choices to see all the ways you can die.

  27. We had to watch it again straight just to be sure that what we remembered actually happened on the show

    Some of the shit Max said was surreal. When he was really rolling I could just watch him for the whole show. All of them were nuts.

  28. One of the most stark differences between men and women is the powerful grip survivalist gear has on men. A few months ago I bought one of those magnesium flint strikers even though I can’t imagine myself winding up in a situation where I’d suddenly need a fire and have no other means to produce one.

    One of these days I’m also going to blow money on one of those straws that both filters and treats water. Nothing like drinking off the ground after a storm to amuse your friends.

    It’s almost worth risking illness, starvation and death for a chance to use these gizmos in their proper environment.

  29. Naga,

    I prefer my post-apocalyptic societies to be post-post-apocalyptic.

  30. You fools! Invest in Ford. Then you can create your own V8 Interceptor to prowl the Wastelands in your never ending quest for gasoline.

    BAH! I already have 2 MOPARS! You will never catch me on or off the road. The Charger is soon to have a bored/stroked Magnum hooked to a TF727 and uber-new suspension too. So there!

  31. Ah . . . like Stephen King’s Dark Tower series.

    “Behold! The Anti-Christ . . . the Lord of Spiders . . . all hail the Crimson King!!!”

  32. Guy,

    Does that mean you will be The Humungous come the apocalypse? Cuz the Interceptor was a 600 hp car, sucka fool!

  33. Just walk away, Naga. Just walk away, and we will spare your lives.

  34. Those were the worst. Totally defeats the purpose.

    Definitely the worst. After I’d read all the books in my class, I’d start in on those pieces of shit. They defeated the purpose of my learning to read in the first place.

    In a random act of 1990s nostalgia, a friend of mine brought up the Goosebumps books the other day. They’d have been hilarious if they weren’t so godawful.

    Yet strangely compelling…I would make all the wrong choices to see all the ways you can die.

    You were a disturbed youth, weren’t you?

  35. Epi,

    I love the whole quote, not just the bread and butter of it.

    “My Dogs of War inform me that you mean to find a truck big enough to haul that fat tank of gas. What a puny plan! Here is my offer . . . just walk away. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.”

  36. The kind you would use if you were concerned with the possibility of repercussions from a still extent legal system.

    Or the kind of weapon one might use if he truly wanted to be able to “shoot first” and still be able to “ask questions later”. You can always kill the fucker later, if you don’t like his answers. It doesn’t necessarily have to be about avoiding repercussions from law enforcement.

    I’m buying Cyberdine, Spectacular Optical, and Massive Dynamic. Maybe some Network 23.

    But not before getting a key-card to Thunder Mountain and securing a safe-house in a little town in Kansas.

  37. NS,

    Seems I shall need a . . . SUPER CHARGER!

    Okay, that makes a bit over 600 HP total.

    Looks liek we will have the only two hybrids on the planet worth a crap. Next issue: tires. Since our cars burn gas and rubber . . .

  38. They defeated the purpose of my learning to read in the first place.

    I had two that people bought me as gifts. I would do them when I had read everything else in my possession.

    You were a disturbed youth, weren’t you?

    Are you telling me you didn’t choose wrong answers just to see what happened?

  39. Guy,

    Due to your almost disturbing knowledge of what a muscle car is, I shall give some helpful advice. Kumho tires. Big, thick, awesome looking tires. I have a set on my Camaro at 240/40/18’s on the front and 275/40/18’s on the back. Never had a blowout. Even with all the crap I was running over after Katrina. Best of all. The tire is so versatile you can run on a flat for days it would seems.

  40. “Just walk away…”
    I like that quote best when spoken by Butters.

  41. But not before getting a key-card to Thunder Mountain and securing a safe-house in a little town in Kansas.

    I’m already in Valhalla Sector, bitches! Ha ha ha!

  42. Epi,

    I used to do that too. Except I would forget my path after the first read and keep running into the same damn deaths.

  43. Naga, is your Camaro an IROC (Italian Retard Out Cruising)?

  44. Wait! What the hell is Thunder Mountain?

  45. Episiarch,

    I have a 97′ Z28 with a modified LT1 V8 engine running at about 385 hp. As you well know!

  46. Epi,

    Did you just suggest I’m a guido!?

  47. I would do them when I had read everything else in my possession.

    Remember the days before the internet, when the eventuality of having nothing to read was a possibility? Highly annoying.

    Are you telling me you didn’t choose wrong answers just to see what happened?

    Sure I did, but few can match your fascination with pain.

    “What kind of pain?”
    “I think: psychosexual.”

  48. NS,

    In the real future that we are discussing, that could be just days away according to some, THERE WILL BE NO MORE TIRE MAKERS ANYPLACE IN THE UNIVERSE!!!!

    That is what I need to invest in . . .

  49. Did you just suggest I’m a guido!?

    Just asking! Scottish Retard Out Cruising doesn’t work with a Camaro.

  50. Wait! What the hell is Thunder Mountain?

    I think it’s a coaster at Disney

  51. Forgiven Epi. I got into it with a guido just a few weeks ago. 2 to be precise. Started over his name. Lodovico. Asked if he was related to Lodovico il Moro. One of the Borgias. He took exception to the thought his ancestor might have been a Moor.

  52. The “Choose Your Own Adventure” books weren’t that great, but I remember one where the United States was split into three separate countries that were at war with each other. That one was cool.

    I also had a series of “CYOA-esque” books that were really D&D/Fantasy kinda things. Those were much better.

  53. NS,

    Musta been a Sicilian, not an Italian. They are all sensitive about being thought Moorish. Kinda sensitive about being thought Italian too.

  54. Epi,

    I also have amigo blood in me. My grandmother is Mexican. Where does that leave me? I’m apparently a Scots-Irish/Mexican cracker.

  55. Guy,

    True enough. Sicily has been invaded so many times that I believe them when they say they are somethin’ else entirely than Italian.

  56. Remember the days before the internet, when the eventuality of having nothing to read was a possibility? Highly annoying.

    Oh, that was a terrible time. You could even be bored…at work!

    Sure I did, but few can match your fascination with pain.

    When you’ve experienced a ton of it, it becomes almost a student of it.

    “I have this phobia about having my body penetrated surgically. You know what I mean?”

  57. Wait! What the hell is Thunder Mountain?

    From this.

    I also have amigo blood in me

    Don’t let LoneWacko find out!

  58. Epi,

    Now that is just in bad taste. To bring LoneWacko into this. (takes a deep breath)

    Fuck that looney piece of shit racist worthless motherfucker! Where the fuck does he get the fucking nerve to dictate who American and who isn’t!

  59. Wow! My grammar really breaks down when I’m pissed.

  60. When you’ve experienced a ton of it, it becomes almost a student of it.

    Aw. Well, that’s not nearly as fun as a freaky fetish. 🙁

    Don’t let LoneWacko find out!

    Not that it makes up for the racism, but the L-Dub actually had a few half-decent lines the other day. I can see the Urkobold comic of the future: “The Lonewackoff Makes a Friend.”

  61. yeah, you suck.

  62. I don’t know what you are talking about, Dagny. I’ve got no problem with LoneWacko.

  63. Aw. Well, that’s not nearly as fun as a freaky fetish. 🙁

    Sure it is. It’s just that the fetish was caused by the pain, much like the car accident fetish in Crash was triggered by a crash. Can’t put the cart before the horse.

    I can see the Urkobold comic of the future: “The Lonewackoff Makes a Friend.”

    That would be good. Did you see BakedPenguin’s comic?

  64. I remember that movie. That movie was just plain weird. Though I did get some confused signals when the chick in the leg brace gets pounded in the car.

  65. A Tazer required batteries….better to get a gun which require ammo….spent shotguns shells are particularly easy to reshell.

  66. You fools! Invest in Ford. Then you can create your own V8 Interceptor to prowl the Wastelands in your never ending quest for gasoline.

    The vehicle of choice for a good Technical is a Toyota.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Technical_(vehicle)

  67. Josh,

    Technicals are only useful in a gang.

  68. Personally, Josh, a katana would be perfect. Blades don’t need reloading!

  69. Sure it is. It’s just that the fetish was caused by the pain

    Touche. Being an (almost) American, I naturally look for a way to skip to the fun stuff without the shitty stuff.

    “We’re super-rich again!”

    Did you see BakedPenguin’s comic?

    Yup. We can only hope that gratuitious praise will convince him to make another.

  70. “Build your own Apocalypse portfolio!”

    How about Alliant Techsystems?

    They crank out about 6 billion rounds of M-16 ammo a year.

  71. Technicals are only useful in a gang.

    The loner Mad Max only survives in the movies.

    In a post apocalyptic economy you should invest in the implements that will succeed not only in the market but in the wasteland.

  72. They crank out about 6 billion rounds of M-16 ammo a year.

    M-16 is an elegant high maintenance weapon that requires way to much in over head.

    In the long run deer hunting rifles have an advantage.

    Better to invest in Wetherbee or some Kalashnikov factory in South America.

    Or better yet just give a gun smith in your town a small purse of gold dust and a few nights with your daughter.

  73. In case no one has said it yet:

    WOLVERINES!!!!

  74. Josh,

    Totally agree. In such an economy there will be two ways to live. Farming and living off farmers. I don’t feel like pushing a plow. I will give you lands and technical help and in return you will furnish men for my armies of conquest. Also, a certain percentage of your yearly profits, say, your demesne.

  75. “M-16 is an elegant high maintenance weapon that requires way to much in over head.”

    The M-16 ins’t the only rifle chambered to fire the .223 round.

  76. The M-16 ins’t the only rifle chambered to fire the .223 round.

    But for killing lots of riffraff none of them really stand up to a good 7.62-chambered Kalashnikov. It makes up for lower muzzle velocity by punching a bigger hole, and besides, you aren’t fighting mechanized infantry in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, you’re fighting unarmored *people*.

    And also, the Kalashnikov has better durability, lower overhead costs on maintenance, and will take a fucking beating before it breaks.

  77. Stock up on peasants and English/Welsh longbows. And, um, arrows.

  78. Pro Lib,

    Sweet! And on the day I assume the title Lord Protector can I hold my sword up and announce, “Power no longer grows out of the muzzle of a gun. It grows from this!!!”.

  79. Pro Lib,

    Join now and I will give you a catchy title of nobility. Lord Liberate, scourge of bandits and reavers, Marchwarden of Florida. Think about it.

  80. I’ll consider it, but I already have a tenuous claim to the throne of Scotland to consider. In the event of a total collapse of civilization, I should have a better chance, not having to proffer evidence or anything like that.

  81. “And also, the Kalashnikov has better durability, lower overhead costs on maintenance, and will take a fucking beating before it breaks.”

    Maybe – but I’d say the Ruger Mini 14 scores pretty high on durabilty as well.

    I’ll take a phased plasma rifle in the 40 watt range over either one though.

  82. Pro Liberate,

    Wise of you. No is not a word to use when in the presence of princes and kings.

  83. Personally, Josh, a katana would be perfect. Blades don’t need reloading!

    True, but I think blades will be strictly backup weapons for awhile, and a katana is a lot to lug around for that purpose. I would go with a wakizashi, or maybe a kukri.

  84. And also, the Kalashnikov has better durability, lower overhead costs on maintenance, and will take a fucking beating before it breaks

    I had heard that some of this was a bit of propoganda put out by commies and Kalishinkov’s family. That if you know anything about taking care of guns, it’s a subpar weapon; only if you’re a peasant who’s used to working in the rice or poppy fields that its foolproof nature makes a difference. (kinda like a Mac 🙂

    OTOH, I know jack squat about (small caliber) guns; I fire a 9mm once a year (badly).

  85. Ah, Kolohe, thank you. I’ll amend my plans to employ peasants who have not yet achieved the age of majority. Of course, collecting taxes from me may be difficult post-collapse.

    Naga,

    My family is part of the Siol Alpin, so I’m at least somewhere in the line of one group of claimants to the throne. Along with a hundred thousand others, I’m sure. Including people whose families didn’t ditch Scotland four hundred years ago for the New World.

  86. Pro Libertate | October 1, 2008, 6:00pm | #
    I’ll consider it, but I already have a tenuous claim to the throne of Scotland to consider. In the event of a total collapse of civilization, I should have a better chance, not having to proffer evidence or anything like that.

    Yeah, but you’d still be King of the wasteland known as Scotland. Not really a win-win scenario, you know?

  87. King of Wasteland beats slave of whoever seizes power in your part of the former United States, buddy. We’re going to corner the market in wool and salmon, too.

  88. And address me as Sire or Your Majesty.

  89. King of Wasteland beats slave of whoever seizes power in your part of the former United States, buddy.

    “Whatever you’ve got in that there plane better be good, buddy, because I think I just declared war on Cheyenne.”

  90. I’m going long on Weyland-Yutani.

  91. Naga Sadow | October 1, 2008, 3:36pm | #

    Matthew,

    Since I assume you are now a major stockholder please try to pressure Ford to begin manufactoring the Ford Falcon. The bedrock car for the V8 interceptor

    Somewhere in a bunch of old crap, I have specs for the REAL interceptor…The high-performance cop car engine based on the GM 400. My best friend and I built one in high school, and dropped it into a 1970 Pontiac Tempest (Think bigger, uglier, 4 door GTO). It was so much fun to smoke the rich kids in their supposed muscle cars LOL

  92. Elemenope | October 1, 2008, 6:38pm | #

    King of Wasteland beats slave of whoever seizes power in your part of the former United States, buddy.

    “Whatever you’ve got in that there plane better be good, buddy, because I think I just declared war on Cheyenne.”

    WASTELANDER!!!

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