Sex

Bailout Relief

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That is, I give you relief from the bailout, with perhaps the greatest news story written in weeks.  Here's how it begins:

State attorneys say John LaVoie should be forever barred from the massage business because he ran a house of prostitution camouflaged as a church.
 
But in his latest court argument, the Tucson man says he hired women at Angel's Heaven Relaxation Spa — near University Medical Center — not to sell sex but to comfort the afflicted through the religious act of "laying on of hands."
 
[…]
 
Whatever they offered, LaVoie's "angels" operated out of an office building at 1740 E. Lester St., northwest of Campbell and Speedway.
 
The Angel's Heaven Web site displayed portraits of young women over trademarked names.
"Oriental Angel" described as 5-foot-2 with dark brown hair and hazel eyes, invited visitors to discover "Far East delight."
 
Brown-eyed "Passion Angel" peered out over this message: "Come to Angel's Heaven now and be touched by an angel willing to take you to heaven and back."

I will struggle—mightily—to avoid blasphemous double entendres, here.  LaVoie is using the improbable First Amendment claim to appeal his conviction on 22 various counts related to running a house of prostitution.  The fantastic quote from his lawyer:
"This offer of comfort by this means is based on several Biblical passages."
Interestingly, LaVoie was only convicted in civil court under asset forfeiture proceedings.  Why wasn't he hit with criminal charges?  Well, I told you this was a great story.
Prosecutors declined to file prostitution-related criminal charges against LaVoie after a Tucson police detective compromised the investigation. Detective Michael Moser told his sergeant in February 2004 that he had sex with one of LaVoie's angels after work, at her home and in his police car.
Internal Affairs records show then-Chief Richard Miranda agreed to suspend him without pay for a week and demote him from detective to officer. Before police served the discipline, Moser retired in September 2004.
They say the converts are really the only ones who take the faith seriously.

NEXT: The Roll Call

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  1. How totally awesome. Why did he have to get busted now, though? I’m going to be there in four weeks.

  2. Sweet, if church was like this I would actually go.

  3. I’ve always wondered if someone would try to open an ancient-mid-east-style temple that uses “temple prostitution” as a religious act. The ol’ fertility rituals didn’t work as well as Monsanto, but they were probably a lot more fun.

  4. “…because he ran a house of prostitution camouflaged as a church.”

    Trust me, there are lots and lots of those around. Just not literally speaking.

  5. I’m at work, so I can’t check for myself, but is the website still up? There are bound to be other hilariously named “Angels.” “Oriental Angel” is a good, racist start, though.

  6. Don’t call a whore an “Angel” if I can’t pluck her.

  7. There are bound to be other hilariously named “Angels.” “Oriental Angel” is a good, racist start, though.

    There are goofy names, but no more racist ones. I was sure “Velvet Angel” was going to be black, but no.

    Best name: Earth Angel. It makes me think of the end of Back to the Future.

  8. Earth Angel

    Hippie chick? SugarFree and leg hair don’t mix, buddy.

  9. Three issues are here.

    Cops routinely break the law or look the other way when their “brothers in blue” do.

    Asset forfeiture absent a conviction should be outlawed. I’d support a constitutional amendment to that effect.

    The guy ran a whorehouse. It should not be a crime.

  10. “This offer of comfort by this means is based on several Biblical passages.”

    You tell me this now? After years of digging through dusty boxes in my parents’ basement for old Harold Robbins novels?

  11. Hippie chick? SugarFree and leg hair don’t mix, buddy.

    No, it made no sense, she was blond, there’s no “earth” connection that I can see.

    Detective Michael Moser told his sergeant in February 2004 that he had sex with one of LaVoie’s angels after work, at her home and in his police car

    The Paterson, NJ police would routinely bring hookers in their cars onto my grandfather’s property during the night and bang them.

  12. Hippie chick? SugarFree and leg hair don’t mix, buddy.

    That song has an icky connotation now. Thanks, SF.

    Maybe they should rename the Earth Angel. ‘Gaia’ work for everyone? To really piss the ecofeminists off, she could specialize in rape fantasy.

  13. Dis tuff to swarrow.

  14. That song has an icky connotation now. Thanks, SF.

    It’s my job. Seriously, I get a dollar from some mysterious benefactor every time I squick someone out on-line.

    Queef burger.

  15. Seriously, I get a dollar from some mysterious benefactor every time I squick someone out on-line

    You’re going to have to do better than “queef burger” if you want to make some money, you whore.

  16. If harden perverts like you want my children to starve, I’m immune to your complaints. The sensitive ones–those that still have a soul–are my bread and butter.

  17. The sensitive ones–those that still have a soul–are my bread and butter

    So you’re sort of like Satan, then.

    (flips NutraSweet a quarter)

    Now take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face.

  18. So that’s how you make a living: “…sucking quarters out of the love machine.”

  19. Discipline? I thought that costs extra.

  20. Are you calling me a Barney?

  21. “I sure do like your magic pixie drink!”

  22. Boy, a man on a Squishy bender can sure do some crazy things.

  23. Radley,

    Thanks. A refreshing break indeed.

  24. Let’s go crazy, Broadway-style!

  25. Man, how did I not know about this place until now?

  26. Huh… and I used to justify my massages by saying my arthritis made my bone stiff.
    this is much, much better

  27. Asset forfeiture has a lower burden of proof and still shuts down the criminal enterprise. It’s used a lot against the “lite” vices like bootleg alcohol and prostitution. It saves prosecutorial resources for the most dangerous types of contraband: marijuana, etc.

    Funny thing about the church. I got a brochure for a Franciscan Convent that runs retreats. The nuns also offer spa treatments like massage.

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