Criminal Justice

The FBI Finally—Finally!—Gets Its Priorities Straight

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Just in from the AP via the Cincy Enquirer: The FBI is training its Sherlock Holmesian (or is that McGruffian?) powers of ratiocination and detectiveness on a case so massive its solution must be completed before these United States can get back on track and once again enter the stream of history:

The FBI is making a new stab at identifying mysterious skyjacker Dan Cooper, who bailed out of an airliner in 1971 and vanished, releasing new details that it hopes will jog someone's memory. The man calling himself Dan Cooper, also known as D.B. Cooper, boarded a Northwest flight in Portland for a flight to Seattle on the night of Nov, 24, 1971, and commandeered the plane, claiming he had dynamite.

In Seattle, he demanded and got $200,000 and four parachutes and demanded to be flown to Mexico. Somewhere over southwestern Washington, he jumped out the plane's tail exit with two of the chutes.

On Monday, the FBI released drawings that it said probably are close to what Cooper looked like, along with a map of areas where Cooper might have landed.

"Who was Cooper? Did he survive the jump? We're providing new information and pictures and asking for your help in solving the case," the FBI said in a statement.

Drawings that "probably are close to what Cooper looked like" 37 years ago–let's just file this one under "Solved!" Thanks, fellers. More here.

Glad to know there's nothing better to occupy your time with.

NEXT: The Buck Keeps Moving

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  1. I’m Dan Cooper.

  2. Didn’t these guys see “Without a Paddle”?

  3. What else would you expect them to do?
    Investigate political corruption? Investigate policemen who perjure themselves to cover up their murderous fuck-ups?

  4. Actually, this is not a bad idea; They recently extracted DNA from his tie. Since the guy probably died, the picture would still be useful.

    I think they are hoping to turn up a relative who can tell them who did the deed. Having studied up a little on the case, I am pretty certain the guy is dead; Parachuting in the middle of a violent storm into thick, mountainous forest is quite suicidal.

  5. Look, dickheads, it’s either this or helping DEA crush smokers of the evil marijuana plant.

  6. FBI makes a good point.

    I suggest they come down to my office to investigate who stole my sandwich out of the refrigerator.

  7. When the first DB drawings came out my Dad said (or so he claims, I was only 2 in 1971), “Huh, I used to work with him.” As far as I know, the FBI never contacted my Dad though.

  8. if this keeps them out of my hair, i say it’s a good thing.

  9. Laugh all you want, Nick. I’m gettin’ me one of those maps showing where ole’ DB might have landed. I figger DB didn’t make it, and that $200,000 is just layin’ there, waitin’ for some slick dude (like me) to pick it up. The next time a Porsche passes you by, remember, it might be ole’ AV, livin’ large on that $200,000. Thanks, FBI!

  10. Maybe they should reopen the investigation into who shot Jesse James, too.

  11. Didn’t they find part of that money a few years back buried in mud along a river?

  12. HAPPY NEW YEAR, ALL.
    Well, they did dig up a farm here in Michigan last year, looking for Hoffa’s body. No luck with that brilliant detective work, so let’s try for D.B. Cooper. Why don’t I feel any safer?

  13. They should dig up more dead presidents to ckeck on conspiricy theories about their deaths.

  14. I thought the name was Dale Cooper, isn’t that where David Lynch got the name for his not quite fearless FBI agent that was the main character of Twin Peaks?

  15. Doesn’t the FBI watch Newsradio?

    D.B. Cooper is none other than billionaire media mogul, Jimmy James!

  16. Next up, Judge Crater and Amelia Earhart.

  17. Ian Cunningham, are you Doobie Kiebler?

  18. Anybody who watches Prison Break knows that DB Cooper died trying to break out of Fox River Penitentiary.

  19. DB Cooper survived, got a sex change operation with the money and became Hillary Clinton!

  20. Hi guys…
    Sorry, you wouldn’t know me if ya saw me today. I’ve changed.

    DBC

  21. Of course he identified himself as Dan Cooper…DB Cooper was a MSM screwup if I remember correctly.

    The weird thing is: a) the FBI waits this long to release all of this additional info about the crime. WTF did they wait so long? They should have done this in the early 1980s, not two decades later.

    b) Sadly, the new info sounds a lot like Cooper had even less chance of survival than previously thought. That he pretty much jumped randomly and apparently had almost no skydiving experience is a downer for those of us hoping he was living it up on some Caribbean beach somewhere.

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