Don't Be Bought by Those Slickers

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An angel sends me this scan of the backpage of the New Light of Myanmar. Note the text at the bottom: "Eleven violent protestors were arrested together with one-12 inch knife, one pointed thin iron rod, a pair of scissors, five catapults, marbles, nuts, fighting peacock flags, headbands bearing the picture of US eagles, cards of Level II English course conducted at the American Centre, illegal gambling tickets and anti-government leaflets." Is the idea here that they were going to use the nuts and marbles to overthrow the Tatmadaw? At least we know they're outlaws because of the lottery tickets.

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  1. The English in it reminds me of assembly directions that come with Chinese products.

  2. What the fuck is a “Skyful Liar”?

  3. Didn’t Skyful Liars open for Stone Temple Pilots back in the 90s?

  4. Is the idea here that they were they going to use the nuts and marbles to overthrow the Tatmadaw?

    Maybe they were inspired by the Ewoks.

  5. “We favour peace,
    We favour stability”

    Kinda sounds like these guys would get along great with the Bush administration. Sure, they’re oppressive, violent, murderous bastards, but they provide peace and stability, i.e. security.

    And we all know what you get when you trade liberty for security…

    Also, it looks like the junta is adopting western-style P.R. tactics, like using “buzzwords” like skyful of lies.

    Reminds me of the constant re-use of “people doing hard work” and “islamofacists.”

  6. …ne-12 inch knife, one pointed thin iron rod, a pair of scissors, five catapults, marbles, nuts…

    ZOMG! Not scissors, catapults and s knife!

    Christ, the way that’s written, I get the feeling I could give them a serious case of the fear with one well-framed snap shot showcasing the contents of my gun safe.

  7. This poster is definitely coming to a telephone pole near you in Year 1 of the Giuliani administration.

  8. The English in it reminds me of assembly directions that come with Chinese products.

    It’s probably nothing but a translation from Burmese.

    If you want a more reliable supply of amusing translated totalitarian propaganda, check out the (North) Korean Central News Agency website (kcna.or.jp).

  9. When fighting peacock flags are outlawed, only outlaws will have fighting peacock flags.

  10. What the fuck is a “Skyful Liar”?

    Needs to go on http://www.engrish.com

  11. Apparently the custom is to name the arrested person and identify him as son of so-and-so. I guess to bring shame on the family? Or as a signal as to which house to raze?

  12. We favor peace. We favor it so much, we will kill anyone who breaks it.

    Nothing to see hear people, move along.

  13. The most despicable people are often also the most absurd. Only it’s hard to laugh at them because they are 1) brutal and 2) totally lacking in self-irony.

  14. Or as a signal as to which house to raze?

    Wrong country. This is Myanmar. That would be Israel.

  15. You know you’re an evil dictator when your own BS propaganda justifies arresting people because they had “Level 2 English” flashcards.

  16. Obviously, this is a translation thing, but…

    How are 11 people able to carry “five catapults” let alone use them?

    I mean, from what I remember about catapults, they’re not exactly pocket-sized.

  17. Nuts are five dollar chips, marbles are ten.

  18. You know you’re an evil dictator when your own BS propaganda justifies arresting people because they had “Level 2 English” flashcards.

    I suddenly had a vision of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad doing a stand-up act in the vein of Jeff Foxworthy.

    “You know you’re an evil dictator if ______________.”

  19. …headbands bearing the picture of US eagles

    Dear Lord how violent is the intention of the Skyfuls?

  20. No wonder it sounds looney- it’s dated the 11th Waning Of Tawthalin

  21. I’m wondering about the “catapults” myself. Do they perhaps mean slingshots? Otherwsie, I have this image of a phalanx of catapults rolling down the street, being pulled by gangs of Buddhist monks tugging on huge ropes.

    Launchez le vache!

  22. If the streets run red with blood after a peaceful protest… You might be a military dictatorship.

  23. All your peace are belong to us.

  24. “No wonder it sounds looney- it’s dated the 11th Waning Of Tawthalin”

    That’s the Waning when the Skyfuls let loose the yankee eagle headbands of terror.

  25. sage,

    That’s what I was thinking.

    Somebody set up us the catapult!

  26. Anyone want to take odds that based on this the TSA will start banning nuts in carry on luggage? If it could be used to foment insurrection in Burma, certainly it could probably bring down a plane.

  27. At least they didn’t speak of the need to “protect our precious bodily fluids.”

  28. I welcome the new Burmese future where every citizen’s right to carry a catapult is respected!

  29. This just in: The military junta in Myanmar has just rejected the “Skyful Of Liars” for the far more hummable “Pocketful Of Miracles.”

  30. Now I know where all the Weekly World News staff went.

  31. Didn’t Skyful Liars open for Stone Temple Pilots back in the 90s?

    I was at that show. I still have the t-shirt.

  32. All your peace are belong to us.

    LOL!

  33. In a parallel universe, the authorities caught the 9/11 hi-jackers before they could do their deadly work. Would the accounts of their capture not have seemed similar to this poster?

    “A number of Al Qaeda terrorists, armed with box-cutters, were captured today…”

    Oooh, our government captured guys with box-cutters — dangerous gang, that! Way to go, Barney Fife!

    Indeed.

  34. BakedPenguin,

    Was that during their Attempting to Destroy Nation tour? I can’t remember. I still hum their hit single, “People’s Desire” on occasion.

  35. In a parallel universe, the authorities caught the 9/11 hi-jackers before they could do their deadly work. Would the accounts of their capture not have seemed similar to this poster?

    “A number of Al Qaeda terrorists, armed with box-cutters, were captured today…”

    Oooh, our government captured guys with box-cutters — dangerous gang, that! Way to go, Barney Fife!

    Indeed.

    No, it wouldn’t have even made the news. It would have been bumped by continuing, live coverage of WhiteTrashPopArtist dumps BrainlessOverpaidJock

  36. Taktix?,

    Don’t forget the Gary Condit scandal. The one guy in Congress who has fond memories of 9/11.

  37. You wouldn’t be laughing if you’d ever been hit by a walnut fired from a Wrist Wrocket; goddammit that hurts!

    [and if they didn’t spell rocket with a “W” they sure as hell ought to have]

  38. You wouldn’t be laughing if you’d ever been hit by a walnut fired from a Wrist Wrocket; goddammit that hurts!

    [and if they didn’t spell rocket with a “W” they sure as hell ought to have]

    I try to take special care with my wrist rocket…

  39. Was that during their Attempting to Destroy Nation tour? I can’t remember.

    Setting Up Hostilities tour, bro. Their Attempting to Destroy Nation tour was right after they released The Destructionists in ’01.

  40. Oooh, our government captured guys with box-cutters

    Not that this has anything to do with anything, but up to that day I never knew what a “box cutter” was. I know what a utlity knife was, but not a “box cutter”. Sucked, really, because now I couldn’t use my hair flinging normal pocket blade, I had to go down and buy something different for my trip to the recycling center. Then again, it wasn’t one of them assault box cutters, designed to spray from the hip due to the grip with a flash hider and all that.

  41. Launchez le vache!

    Incoming cow! Flee!

    [cue coconuts)

  42. Cops’ nuts,
    Although the story’s garbled,
    Are now immune
    From being marbled.

    Burma Close Shave

  43. If cards of Level II English are outlawed, only outlaws will have…

  44. “Oh…. Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger”

  45. Didn’t Skyful Liars open for Stone Temple Pilots back in the 90s?

    I was at that show. I still have the t-shirt.

    They didn’t have boxcutters. They had knives and mace cannisters.

    Freaking zombie myths.

  46. Times used to be, folks ’round here was peaceful, stable, and opposed to unrest and violence. Then them foreign slickers showed up, and next thing you know, you gotta whole skyful o’ liars. Them no-good, manipulatin’ destructionists!

  47. “”What the fuck is a “Skyful Liars”?””

    It was Skyful of lies.
    Skyful is a new unit of measure in telecom. It’s equal to 10 million erlangs.

  48. We have more important fish to fry than some boring infantile democracy movement in a foreign land.

    This just in: notorious America-hater Barack Obama has been seen in public with no American Flag Lapel Pin! And his comments on the topic are flagrantly unrepentant.

    Woe, woe, America thou art lost!

  49. Whoa, wrong quote.

    Should have been, In a parallel universe, the authorities caught the 9/11 hi-jackers before they could do their deadly work. Would the accounts of their capture not have seemed similar to this poster?

    “A number of Al Qaeda terrorists, armed with box-cutters, were captured today…”

  50. All beware joe – he is a slicker!

  51. Those Brazil nuts are pretty gaddam hard. Or perhaps they were carrying the nuts used to fasten bridge sections together. Those could cause some serious damage! Launched by catapults the penetrating power is nigh unimaginable. Did you ever think of that! Let’s give the authorities the benefit of the doubt here.

  52. P Brooks:
    Ok, this is totally sad. I completely thought you were joking until I looked at Google News and saw a headline about Barack Obama’s decision not to wear a flag lapel pin.

  53. Reinmoose-

    You just can’t make that sort of shit up.

  54. Wow. Skyful liars with catapults!

  55. You just can’t make that sort of shit up.

    In an immeasurably small way, it make me want to vote for him.

  56. “It was Skyful of lies.”

    Or, if it was Indiana, “Skyful of Flies.”

  57. J sub D – funny, I was thinking the exact same thing.

  58. I was pleased and impressed by Obama’s refusal to backpedal.
    I expect, as a result of this, to see a “Twin Towers Tiara” atop Rudy’s flag-draped carcass at every public appearance from now ’til the election is officially cancelled.

  59. Ok, this is totally sad. I completely thought you were joking until I looked at Google News and saw a headline about Barack Obama’s decision not to wear a flag lapel pin.

    He’s wearing a pledge pin instead. A Delta pin.

  60. How are 11 people able to carry “five catapults” let alone use them?

    I mean, from what I remember about catapults, they’re not exactly pocket-sized.

    I could see referring to a three man slingshot as a catapult. Still, they would have been short four people.

    I saw an egg shot from down the street break a window when I was in college. They retaliated with bottle rockets. Fie. I’ll take the three man any day.

  61. C’mon Myanmar protesters, fight FAIR!!

  62. It was “Skyful of Lies.”

    Actually, “Skyful Liars” is used in the ad. Just under “We oppose unrest and violence.”

  63. “The English in it reminds me of assembly directions that come with Chinese products.”

    I like the one my friend (and Pink Pistol) Andrew was e-mailed: “Grow additional 2 inch penis!”

  64. Robert – I’d like to see the assembly directions on that.

  65. Have any of you oh so clever folks written anything in Burmese recently?

  66. Isabella – no, but the next time I murder and oppress people, and seek to justify it to the Burmese, I’m sure it will be at least as poorly written as the New Light is.

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