"What About Us Brain-Dead Slobs?" "You'll Be Given Cushy Jobs!"


At least some people are able to extricate laffs from the Edwards '08 campaign:

"Many bad things are not just bad—they're terrible," said a beaming Edwards, whose "Only the Good Things" proposal builds upon previous efforts to end poverty, outlaw startlingly loud noises, and offer tax breaks to those who smile frequently. "Other candidates have plans that would reduce some of the bad things, but I want all of them gone completely."

According to Edwards, his plan is composed of three steps. Everyday bad things, such as curse words and splinters, would be eradicated during his first six months in office. Next, very bad things, including child abduction, soil erosion, and resurgent diseases such as malaria and tuberculosis, would be ended by the the end of 2009. Finally, extremely bad things—plights such as genocide, species extinction, and virtually every form of cancer—would take a full two years to wipe out.

"Racism will soon be a thing of the past," Edwards said. "Same goes for being picked last for playground athletics, AIDS, robbery, not having enough spending money, and murder. Because these things are bad and not good, I promise they will be eliminated."

Hilarious. Meanwhile, this press release shows up at Reason World Headquarters:

As president, Edwards will do whatever is necessary to ensure that Katrina never happens again.

Really, no matter his politics, if a presidential candidate actually achieves the access to fairy dust and children's wishes that Edwards seems to have we'd need to take a hard look at him. If he loses, what if he decides to use the Avada Kedavra curse on us?

NEXT: Sen. Jay Rockefeller Wants to Regulate Your Cable

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  1. MONO-



  2. Is this the high level of political debate at H &R Jesse Walker is so proud of? I don’t think so. No troll could sink lower than this.

  3. I love The Onion. Edwards has given me good reason to laugh in reality without any help but that article is funny.

  4. Weigel’s shilling for big spoof.

  5. I thought you had to feel the hate when you used Avada Kedavra. I don’t think JE actually has a genuine emotion….

  6. I know The Onion. I’ve read The Onion. H & R is no Onion.

  7. Edwards isn’t going to get rid of Danzig, is he?

  8. I would support any candidate willing to take on big popularity and forever ban the cool-kids table.

  9. St the Gold –

    the monorail song from the simpsons.

    hier lyrics
    hier video

  10. Danzig? Speaking of trolls…….

  11. Best quote ever (and fom this very episode):

    “I call the big one ‘bitey'”

  12. I know The Onion. I’ve read The Onion. H & R is no Onion.


    The post is from The Onion.

  13. A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on.

  14. de stijl,

    You think so? What about “Mmmmmmm, donuts, is there nothing they can’t do?”

  15. “This is certainly a step in the right direction, but it’s not enough,” Daily Kos contributor BitchingPoints wrote hours after Edwards’ announcement.

    ha! BitchingPoints is an outstanding handle, wish I had thought of it.

  16. Warren (and Leonard Nimoy),

    Granted it’s a great quote, but it didn’t make me fall out my chair. The unmatched absurdity of the ‘bitey’ quote gets me every time.



  18. Why can’t people just admit that Katrina was not the fault of the federal government? It was the fault of New Orleans, the state of Louisiana, and their corrupt, inefficent state and local government.

    I live in a state that gets hurricanes.I have family down in North Carolina, they also have hurricanes. Florida gets whalloped regularly, with some (Andrew) as bad as Katrina.

    Now, why is it that Norfolk, Wilmington NC, and Miami don’t have orgies of rioting, looting, and a total breakdown of society during these storms?

    Could it be because New Orleans and Louisiana are badly run even when theres not a storm? Naw, its cause Bush doesn’t care about black people. Riiight.

  19. “As president, Edwards will do whatever is necessary to ensure that Katrina never happens again.”

    Whereas the DNC would settle for Monica never happening again …

  20. Why not just make hurricanes illegal? It worked for marijuana.

  21. I stopped reading after the weak-assed insult to John Edwards’ omnipotence.

  22. Racism will soon be a thing of the past,”

    That’s already on the way, J.E.! Didn’t you hear? We just had a funeral for the n-word! Nobody will ever use it again!

  23. I Think Urkobold Wins the thread.


  25. As a corrolary Edwards campaign theme, I suggest: “It’s nice to be nice to the nice.” There’s more than a little Frank Burns about the guy.

  26. “Same goes for being picked last for playground athletics” –

    He’s got my vote.

  27. Cesar,

    The miserable FEMA response was the fault of the federal government. The underfunding of levee improvements was the fault of the federal government.

    I don’t focus on the City of New Orleans and State of Louisiana because I’m not a citizen of either. I am a citizen of the United States.

  28. I’m mystified as to why someone with the apparently supernatural powers that John Edwards believes he has needs to be elected President to exercise them.

    I mean, couldn’t he just wave his magic wand and end poverty right now?

  29. Isaac,

    I’m getting a strong impression of the letter “M.” Do you know anyone who’se name begins with “M” that’s crossed over?

    How about “L?”


    Throw me a frickin bone here!

  30. So joe, if I build a house on a barrier island, it’s the federal government’s fault for not adequately protecting it from the next hurricane?

  31. Ironchef and Cesar: It’s a well established rule: if you represent to somebody that you’ve secured an area (via levees or whatever), and they rely on that representation, then that representation turns out to be false, it kind of is the fault of the entity that made the representation in addition to other entities at fault. Add in a total failure of the government at all levels, and you have some people who were royally screwed?.

  32. Ok how does one stop a kid from getting picked last on the play ground?

    If you have a pool of kids to choose from would you not always eventually have only one left at the end to pick? That comment doesn’t make sense in may ways but then a pol never let that stop them.

    And Obama I love myself can I keep my guns?

  33. John Edwards is just Huey Long, without double negatives.

  34. Michael Bloomberg call your office! John Edwards has stolen your planned agenda for America!!! This is what happens when you dither on running for president. But, Mr. Mayor, you’ll always have Trans-Fat (banned)!

  35. The name John Edwards can be rearranged to spell jaws nerd doh. I have nothing else to contribute.

  36. joe-

    The Federal government can do many things. One thing it can’t do is re-organize the political structure of NOLA and Louisiana, or change its political culture.

    Even if FEMA was given a massive budget and your boys were in power, something tells me a hurricane that strikes Louisiana would cause greater breakdown than a hurricane that strikes Florida.

  37. Oh, and the same FEMA was in existence when several hurricanes in succession struck Florida in 2004. Why didn’t we see a Katrina-style meltdown then?

  38. As much as Dems and libs think the govt can protect people from their own idiocy then there will always be room for Edwards and his ilk…

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