"What About Us Brain-Dead Slobs?" "You'll Be Given Cushy Jobs!"
"Many bad things are not just bad—they're terrible," said a beaming Edwards, whose "Only the Good Things" proposal builds upon previous efforts to end poverty, outlaw startlingly loud noises, and offer tax breaks to those who smile frequently. "Other candidates have plans that would reduce some of the bad things, but I want all of them gone completely."
According to Edwards, his plan is composed of three steps. Everyday bad things, such as curse words and splinters, would be eradicated during his first six months in office. Next, very bad things, including child abduction, soil erosion, and resurgent diseases such as malaria and tuberculosis, would be ended by the the end of 2009. Finally, extremely bad things—plights such as genocide, species extinction, and virtually every form of cancer—would take a full two years to wipe out.
"Racism will soon be a thing of the past," Edwards said. "Same goes for being picked last for playground athletics, AIDS, robbery, not having enough spending money, and murder. Because these things are bad and not good, I promise they will be eliminated."
Hilarious. Meanwhile, this press release shows up at Reason World Headquarters:
As president, Edwards will do whatever is necessary to ensure that Katrina never happens again.
Really, no matter his politics, if a presidential candidate actually achieves the access to fairy dust and children's wishes that Edwards seems to have we'd need to take a hard look at him. If he loses, what if he decides to use the Avada Kedavra curse on us?