John McCain

Time's Up, Game's Over, You Lose, McCain Wins

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The great politico Roger Simon visits the future and comes back with the story of John McCain's capture of the presidency. Or, as he tells it:

In a universe parallel to our own, John McCain awoke on January 20, 2009, to prepare for his inauguration as the 44th president of the United States.

I am begging to have someone correct me, but I don't think "parallel universes" are on different chronologies than this one. Nevertheless, McCain wins the primaries, is fighting the Edwards/Obama ticket to a standstill, and then right before the election terrorists try to blow up the Gateway to the West and are stopped by a burly lone American.

Though the nation was stunned—there was no loss of American lives this time, but terrorists had struck deep inside the country—the political upside to McCain was obvious. Not only was he running as a strong, mature leader who could protect the nation, but his progun stance now seemed more justified than ever by the actions of America's newest action hero, Timothy Roop.

The public was told nothing about who the terrorists were except that, to the dismay of the Minutemen guarding the Mexican border, they had entered the United States from Canada.

First off, I hope that this parallel universe hero gets a show on the Spike channel and it is dubbed "Roop! There It Is!" More seriously, what would be the impact of a terrorist attack in 2008? In 2004, everyone basically agrees that the mere emergence of an Osama bin Laden tape inspired a mass trouser prolapse that cost Kerry thousands of votes and possibly the presidency. A successful Republican spin at the time was "By golly,* if bin Laden could have attacked us, he would have! This is a sign of how weak he is!" A terrorist attack in 2008 would come seven years after 9/11 and five years after the start of the Iraq war.

In Simon's fantasy the Democrats end the Iraq war this year; in that scenario, it's possible to imagine the GOP spinning that the terrorists were able to attack because we sheathed our swords and fled from a battle we were winning. If, as is more likely, we are still in Iraq and a terrorist attack explodes deep into American territory, the last rationale for the war is obliterated, as would be the GOP.

*I think only Zell Miller said that part.

NEXT: Lieberman Hints That He May Not Follow Dave Weigel's Advice

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  1. “If, as is more likely, we are still in Iraq and a terrorist attack explodes deep into American territory, the last rationale for the war is obliterated, as would be the GOP.”

    Hmm, maybe. But countries generally respond to very vivid provocations with a lot of jingoism and militarism, which is precisely what the GOP peddles best. If and when the demand for that sort of thing goes up again, expect the Republicans to be the indefatigable suppliers.

  2. I think the problem with the McCain candidacy is that it’ll become fairly clear that he’s batshit loony. I hope.

  3. blow up the arch? nelly and the st. lunatics would never let that happen.

    it’s a fascinating piece of architecture (par for the course in stl), but i have my issues with the arch and arch grounds.

    “stl – the only city to build a monument to the people who had the gumption to move elsewhere.”

  4. ..mass trouser prolapse..

    HA! That’s the phrase of the week. I’m going to see how many times I can work that into conversation before Monday.

  5. “I am begging to have someone correct me, but I don’t think “parallel universes” are on different chronologies than this one.”

    I think they would have to be chronologically different since the word universe implies a single entity. A “parallel universe” would, therefore, have to be ‘off beat’ with the one we generally acknowledge as ours. If there isn’t a universe and it is, in fact, a multiverse then I suppose any chronological discrepancy would depend on the relative motion of the respective multi… verses.

    I admit it’s just a swag, perhaps thoreau would care to take a shot at it.

  6. Time’s Up, Game’s Over, You Lose, McCain Wins

    About to show these knuckleads how to do this here!

    Cuz he came here to set the GOP right, let’s bounce tonight!

  7. I’m guessing the hero had time to stop them because they probably got stuck in traffic on the Poplar trying to get out of IL. Or more likely were shot and killed in a random shooting in E. St. Louis, IL like the siding king Sam Cooper.

  8. Our betters look at terrorism like it’s roofies. Slip us a little and we lose all reason and they can do anything they like. That’s why dire predictions about terrorism in the US often have a whiff of fantasy and wishes come true about them.

  9. Fan fic for wonks?

    heh

    McCaine’s a sloppy whore and he smells of mugwump…

  10. Subconsciously, many of these authoritarian-type “conservatives” actually want America to experience another 9/11 type event.

  11. In 2004, everyone basically agrees that the mere emergence of an Osama bin Laden tape inspired a mass trouser prolapse that cost Kerry thousands of votes and possibly the presidency.

    They do?

    C’mon, Wiegel face it. The only person who cost Kerry the presidency was Kerry.

  12. Subconsciously, many of these authoritarian-type “conservatives” actually want America to experience another 9/11 type event.

    There seems to be a feeling that we “have it too good” in some quarters.

    If we suffer it will make us better and stronger.

  13. C’mon, Wiegel face it. The only person who cost Kerry the presidency was Kerry.

    No doubt, but Democrats and Republicans agree that the Osama tape swung some voters from him to Bush.

  14. Buried inside the case somewhere-under the earrings maybe-was a Smith & Wesson 17-shot Sigma 9mm pistol that he had never used and did not even like to touch. His company required him to take it with him whenever he transported jewelry in his car and had paid the $100 fee that made carrying a concealed weapon legal in Missouri.

    He didn’t remember reaching into his sample case and fumbling for the gun. He didn’t remember tearing off his thumbnail switching off the safety catch, but he remembered the shots he fired directly into the headlights. The gun jammed after the fourth round (Roop had not cleaned it in ten years),

    It couldn’t be someone who decided for himself to carry, or went to the range, or respected his firearm enough to maintain it. Everyone who watches TV knows that such people are invariably villains. And because John McCain would gladly sign legislation banning handguns and concealed carry.

    Subconsciously, many of these authoritarian-type “conservatives” actually want America to experience another 9/11 type event.

    While subconsciously, many of these authoritarian-type “liberals” would be satisfied with global warming.

  15. Well, lots of authoritarian types want to believe that people are better off listening to them, and thus hope that anyone who refuses to follow them is punished.

  16. Remember how you felt on 9/11.

    Remember how clear your thinking was.

    Remember how the country deferred to the political leadership, assigning Churchillian nobility and bravery to such figures as George Bush and Dick Cheney.

    Remember how easy it was to push through massive expansions of government power.

    Remember how the accusations of treason were flying before the fires were even put out.

    And remember how many times you’ve seen conservatives complain that graphic footage from 9/11 isn’t shown enough, and assert that the country has “forgotten 9/11.”

    Remember back to your own mental state that terrible day, and afterwards. Remember the mental states of those around you.

    That’s the way the Republican Party wants you to be. It serves their ends.

  17. I am begging to have someone correct me, but I don’t think “parallel universes” are on different chronologies than this one.

    If the parallel universe existed such that the years were different lengths (Earth’s orbit), then the two universes would get out of synch chronologically quite quickly.

  18. He didn’t remember tearing off his thumbnail switching off the safety catch, but he remembered the shots he fired directly into the headlights.

    Only someone who rarely to never handles guns could write this.

    First, many pistols don’t have safety “catches.” My wife’s Sig 9mm, for example.

    And I’ve never seen a safety that could tear off a thumbnail.

  19. Is it metal? Does it move?

    If you answered “yes” to both of these questions, I could tear my thumbnail off on it.

  20. Joe’s list at 1:08 sure forms the basis for the next conspiracy theory that any future terrorist attack in the U.S. must have been secretly hatched by Rove/Bushitler. One wonders why those allegedly behind 9/11 didn’t pull off something similar on, say, Nov. 1, 2006?[No, I’m not suggesting Joe believes in such conspiracy theories.]

  21. I guess joe hasn’t handled firearms much either.

  22. That’s the way the Republican Party wants you to be. It serves their ends.

    So, does it serve the ends of the Democratic Party for us to forget our history?

    Just asking, is all.

  23. It serves the Democratic Party’s interests for the public to be of sound mind, without their critical reasoning skills impaired.

    Just as it serves RC Deans interests to conflate remembering 9/11 with being the same emotional state you were on that day.

    Think about that: RC just wrote that you don’t remember history if you aren’t as angry and frightened as you were when you watched the towers collapse.

    They want you weak-minded, because that’s the only way their ideas seem reasonable.

  24. I take that back.

    I have no reason at all to assume that RC is being disingenuous when he blurs the line between feelings and knowledge.

  25. No doubt, but Democrats and Republicans agree that the Osama tape swung some voters from him to Bush.

    Does anyone else find it more than a curious coincidence that Osama ended up helping elect the man who would keep the U.S. bogged down in Iraq? Could the U.S. continuing to spend billions of borrowed dollars while making thousands of brave Americans easy al Qaeda targets have been his sinister plan? If so, it sure worked!

  26. And I’ve never seen a safety that could tear off a thumbnail.

    Obviously you don’t own a Jennings J-22.

    Still, a much more authentic injury would be the semiauto’s slide slicing open a misplaced left thumb. I use a lot of bandaids in my beginner classes.

    Is it metal? Does it move? If you answered “yes” to both of these questions, I could tear my thumbnail off on it.

    I think I lived next door to Joe. In six months, the guy made five trips to the emergency room.

    It serves the Democratic Party’s interests for the public to be of sound mind, without their critical reasoning skills impaired.

    Right. Yet they’re still, despite Uganda, Britain, Washington D.C., et al, pushing gun control as a solution for violence. (To give but one example.)

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