Our Long National Nightmare, Etc.


The Onion, October 3, 2001:

Shaken by the tragic events of Sept. 11, people across the nation have abandoned such inconsequential concerns as the Gary Condit scandal and Britney Spears' skimpy outfit at the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards. No longer are they talking about shark attacks or what's-his-name, that Little Leaguer who was too old to play. Instead, they're focusing on the truly important things in life: friends, family, and being good to one another.

How long can it go on like this?

Three weeks after the horrific attacks that claimed more than 6,000 lives, many Americans are wondering when their priorities will finally be in the wrong place again. Some are wondering if their priorities will ever be in the wrong place again.

The Associated Press, February 9, 2007:

The husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor had a decade-long affair with Anna Nicole Smith and may be her daughter's father, he told The Associated Press on Friday.

The claim, by Prince Frederick von Anhalt, comes amid a paternity suit over Smith's 5-month-old daughter, Dannielynn. The birth certificate lists Dannielynn's father as attorney Howard K. Stern, but former boyfriend Larry Birkhead is waging a legal challenge, saying he is the father.

With this, I declare the 9/11 era over. Finally. Thank you and goodnight.

NEXT: An Inconvenient Concert Series

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  1. The Associated Press, February 9, 2001:

    it is 2007

  2. and yes that is ironic

  3. Quite right. It IS 2007.

    And, David, again, it’s these little errors and inconsistencies that make us love you even more!

  4. Ater reading Eric Auchard’s column, I had to go get Windex and paper towels to wipe up the smug oozing out of my monitor.

  5. A shattered nation finally cares about stupid bullshit again!

    I love the last line of the Onion article:

    Where have you gone, J. Lo? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

    Woo ooh ooh!

  6. With this, I declare the 9/11 era over.

    Pffft. As far as the American people were concerned the 9/11 era ended with the following season of American Idol. Is that even a show anymore? Look for past Idol contestants to get their own survivor series.

    Anywho, the 9/11 era, like the Great Depression, will live forever in the excesses of Government it made possible.

  7. “Zsa Zsa’s husband may be father of Anna Nicole’s baby”

    Some sh*t you just can NOT make up.


  8. http://caffertyonannanicole.ytmnd.com/

    The Anna Nicole death will be remembered, I think, as the event that changed Cafferty from “CNN’s cranky old man” to “CNN’s cranky old American hero.”

  9. So is the end of irony again or the beginning again or somewhere in the middle?

  10. Now that we have come full circle in this post post-9/11 world we now, but used to at one point before, live in…what does “cranky old American hero” smell like?

  11. what does “cranky old American hero” smell like?

    Like Katherine Mangu-Ward underwear….


  12. joshua-

    Um, huh?

  13. that’s not a mistake. he’s comparing 2001 and 2007. hello?

  14. Well, you know. If there weren’t people who paid attention to celebrity gossip, who would the rest of us, who never concern themselves with trivial matters, get to feel superior towards?

    But enough of that – let’s discuss whether or not Peyton Manning can be considered a great quarterback now that he’s got a Ring?

  15. With this, I declare the 9/11 era over.

    Yes, it is over. And the sooner our government wakes up to that fact, the better all of us will be.

  16. that’s not a mistake. he’s comparing 2001 and 2007. hello?

    I originally put down “Feb 9, 2001” in the second item, then fixed it after straining under the weight of commenters’ scorn and mockery.

  17. Who is Anna Nicole Smith and why has she pushed the truly interesting story, about the diaper-wearing jealous astronaut, off the front page? People want to know.

  18. the diaper-wearing jealous astronaut

    Wow, I’d like totally forgotten her.

  19. Yeah, there has been no facination with stupid shit since 9-11. I guess that explains why American Idol and Survivor are the two most popular telivision shows of the last five years.

  20. Go away, I’m batin’!

  21. Graphite:

    the finest quote from the finest movie of 2006. I thank you!

  22. I second the statement of loose moose.

  23. David Weigel made a typo. How can we ever take him seriously again?

  24. What do people have against American Idol?

    Don’t be that guy. Please, just don’t.

  25. So wait, Anna Nicole Smith had a child by Howard Stern, but not that Howard Stern?

  26. “the diaper-wearing jealous astronaut”

    Oh, the jealous astronaut, you mean. All astronauts wear diapers, as we now (unfortunately) know. Not usually in a car on the way to kill someone, though.

    “With this, I declare the 9/11 era over. Finally.”

    Welcome to the Anna/Zsa Zsa era. Or maybe simply “post-Anna?” Will we now reckon the years to be either BAN (before Anna Nicole) or AAN (after)?

    Nice juxtaposition of articles. Saw it on reddit.com, wandered in. Thanks!

  27. So wait, Anna Nicole Smith had a child by Howard Stern, but not that Howard Stern?

    No, not the one who was publically militating for nuclear war in the wake of 9/11.

  28. The 9/11 era will not be over until the people who run Boston resign, or at least apologize. Which won’t happen. Hence, the 9/11 era ain’t over. Not by a long shot.

    Joshua Corning, that has to be one of the most needlessly tasteless comments, evar.

    I love how that Reuters story makes it sound like it’s just those big bad internet bloggers who are tasteless and mean. As though mainstream “journalists” hadn’t been bottom-feeding off of her for years. Ugh.

  29. OK, I’ll fess up. I am the father of Anna NIcole Smith’s daughter. I’ll be contacting my attorney to prove paternity and make sure that I . . .er . . .she gets all the money she deserves.

  30. Order has been restored to the galaxy!

  31. I love it.

    My only comment is that it might be appropriate to place [sic] after the “6,000 lives” in the Onion piece, since fewer than 3,000 died in the attacks — as we now know.

    Oh, and el Chupacabra is the father of ANS’ baby. C’mon, everyone knows that.

  32. Never have I seen so many claim paternity to so few.

  33. Cigar Bill is the father of Smith’s baby! After all, JFK had his Marilyn, didn’t he?

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