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Christians Urge Mary Cheney to Abort Her Baby

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OK, so the headline isn't true, but to hear some of the rhetoric flying around right now I half-expect it to happen by Monday. Item: a press release from Paul Cameron, chairman of the Family Research Institute:

Unmarried women should not deliberately have children. Their children are more apt to experience privation and disruption. Consequently, such children are more apt to do poorly in school, disrupt society (e.g., engage in criminality), and be personally troubled. These wrongs are compounded when the child is brought into a homosexual setting….Our society already has too many children born without the benefits of marriage; Cheney's action is not only a bad example, but poor treatment of an innocent child.

Words I never thought I'd write: The most cogent response to this nonsense comes from John Podhoretz. Reacting to a similar statement by one of the Concerned Women for America, he wrote: "This is disgusting. The birth of a child is never unconscionable. Adults who say such things about the impending birth of children are."

Speaking of Podhoretz, he may be the first neocon columnist to be namechecked in a hip hop song. From Papoose's "50 Shots":

John Podhoretz from the New York Post
Wanna know why Bloomberg and Al Sharpton still close
I read his article questioning
Why was Bloomberg surrounded by African-Americans
I guess the loss of a life wasn't major
He called Sharpton a race-baiting cop hater

The rhyme and meter need a little work, but it's a start. Question for the panel: If Bill Kristol and John Podhoretz formed a rap group, which one would take the Chuck D role and which one would be Flavor Flav? (I assume that Professor Griff's chair will remain empty.)

NEXT: Coming Soon to Congress: Meth-Filled Rooms

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  1. Apparently, when it comes to homos and old maids, some people should not be erring on the side of life.

  2. I think Podhertz is definitely the Flavor Flav.

  3. Yeah, Kristol sometimes has things to say (like Chuck D), but I think he found Podhertz living on the street in a pile of clocks live Flavor Flav.

  4. “Unmarried women should not deliberately have children.”

    I agree; Mary Cheney and her partner should totally get married. Ms. Cheney, Lowell City Hall would make a wonderful backdrop for your wedding photos, and off-season rates in Provincetown are very reasonable.

    God bless on your good news.

  5. Unmarried women should not deliberately have children. Their children are more apt to experience privation and disruption.

    It may be true that the children of unmarried women are more likely to experience “privation” and “disruption,” whatever that means, but how does this constitute evidence that no unmarried women should have kids? An unmarried woman often has a life that is more settled and more stable than many marriages (half of which end in divorce anyway). I don’t see what a statistical generality has to do with a particular woman’s decision. By the same logic, no african-americans should have kids.

    I guess this is all too obvious to the libertarian-leaning, but it’s too late, I have already hit the Submit button.

  6. I saw the CWA spokeswoman on CNN, arguing with Dan Savage. She kept asserting that “all the research shows” that married, heteosexual parents do a better job raising children when compared with all other familial situations.

    Which is absolutely true. Similarly, if you take the average of the temperatures of ten cups of hot coffee, and compare to the average of two cups of cold Coke, two cups of cold Budweiser, two cups of tap water, two cups of ice water, and two cups of hot tea, you cannot help but conclude that hot coffee is hotter, when compared to all other beverages.

    And, like the CWA, I further conclude that this research proves that hot coffee is hotter than hot tea. Because, you see, I am a deeply dishonest person, who is quite willing to play dumb and lie to people in order to prevent tea from becoming more popular.

  7. Reaaaallllllyyyyy?

    Ah, last time I looked, the vast amount of child abuse, neglect, and endangerment came from traditional 2 parent households – not gay 2 parent households. So STFU unless you actually want to tell the truth.

  8. “Unmarried women should not deliberately have children. Their children are more apt to experience privation and disruption. Consequently, such children are more apt to do poorly in school, disrupt society (e.g., engage in criminality), and be personally troubled. These wrongs are compounded when the child is brought into a homosexual setting….Our society already has too many children born without the benefits of marriage; Cheney’s action is not only a bad example, but poor treatment of an innocent child.”

    Just a simple request here: can I see some stats here? Please? Just a little solid evidence of these claims. Some proof that children raised in gay/lesbian families “are more apt to do poorly in school, disrupt society (e.g., engage in criminality), and be personally troubled.”? Just…anything?

    Or could it be that our friend Mr. Cameron is taking stats from all unwed mothers, including the multitude of single, lower-class women in the inner city, and transposing their stats onto gay and lesbian couples, thereby conflating single welfare mommas and gay/lesbian couples, all by twisting the true meaning of “unmarried”? Hmmm…I wonder if the FRI would have the gall to do such a dishonest thing in order to score cheap points? I wonder.

    Bunch of motherfuckers, they are.

  9. The birth of a child is never unconscionable.

    Oh I don’t know. There are a lot of births if not ‘unconscionable’, then certainly ‘tragic’.

  10. Most births are unconscionable, insomuch as consciousness doesn’t enter into it. Turning a time-tested biological imperative into an ego-feeding validation of life is pathological.

  11. I would like to think that Grandaddy Dick is pinballing wildly around his office, ricocheting off the furniture, croaking, “Error! error! ANALYZE… ANNN-A-LYYYYZE!” preparatory to the twenty-six megaton detonation of his cranium, but he undoubtedly has it all neatly compartmentalized.

    Meantime, Lynn is already cruising the aisles at Babies R Us, beaming.

  12. I used to fantasize about if I ever had a punk band and we made it big, one of the things that I would do is make a rap song featuring Lew Rockwell rapping about free trade and then try and put the song on TRL.

    I also some times fantasize about living in a world where economists are treated like rock stars and rock stars are treated like economists.

  13. “Unmarried women should not deliberately have children.”

    If I remember correctly, the Virgin Mary wasn’t married to her unborn baby’s father. Instead, she married some guy named Joseph and raised her son happily in a nontraditional family.

  14. John,
    Yeah, and just look how THAT turned out.

  15. Wow, lesbians love children too. Stop the presses!

  16. Unmarried women should not deliberately have children. Their children are more apt to experience privation and disruption. Consequently, such children are more apt to do poorly in school, disrupt society (e.g., engage in criminality), and be personally troubled. These wrongs are compounded when the child is brought into a homosexual setting….Our society already has too many children born without the benefits of marriage; Cheney’s action is not only a bad example, but poor treatment of an innocent child.

    1. Can’t we solve this by letting gays marry?

    2. There are two ends to every bell curve. I’d think that the chances of a U.S. vice president’s grandchild growing up in “privation and disruption” would be remote.

    3. It’s not like she was a teenager and playing the Virgin Mary or anything.

  17. God bless on your good news.

    Indeed, mammalian biology is such a miracle.
    I get all aglow just thinking about it.

  18. Chuck D was the man. The motherfucking godfather. JPod doesn’t have the skills or cred to be anywhere near PE. At best, he’d be in some shitty college student approved flowetry crap like De La Soul.

    For the con PE I’d pick:

    Chuck D – Wiiliam F. Buckley
    Flava Flav – Tucker Carlson or Rich Lowry
    Professor Griff – George Will
    S1W (bloggers) – Ralph Peters, the Powerline bitches, Jeff Golstein aka Cockslapper, Ace of Spades, etc.
    Terminator X – Richard Mellon Sciafe

  19. Normally I’m all in favor of the right to privacy, but….

    1) Since this pregnancy has gotten so much press

    and

    2) Since babies are cute

    I think the entire country deserves to see some cute baby pictures when the child is born. Seems only fair. Ain’t nothing more adorable than cute baby pictures. Enough to melt the heart of any curmudgeon.

  20. “Unmarried women should not deliberately have children. Their children are more apt to experience privation and disruption. Consequently, such children are more apt to do poorly in school, disrupt society (e.g., engage in criminality), and be personally troubled. These wrongs are compounded when the child is brought into a homosexual setting….Our society already has too many children born without the benefits of marriage; Cheney’s action is not only a bad example, but poor treatment of an innocent child.”

    Has it ever dawned on these idiots that there might be other factors at work here?

    Let’s take two example couples:

    Couple #1: A heterosexual couple of 19-year old, rarely-employed meth addicts who make ends meet through welfare and drug deals.

    Couple #2: A homosexual couple of 30-something professionals from the suburbs.

    By the logic of folks like the FRC, Couple #1 would be better suited to raising children than Couple #2. Yeah. Right. I’d think anyone in their right mind would know otherwise.

    Now, in general, I agree with them on something- a two-parent household consisting of a man and a woman is, in general, the ideal setup. But we don’t live in a perfect world. We live in a world full of unwanted children, one-parent homes, and abusive two-parent homes. Two mommies or two daddies may not be ideal… but isn’t it better than nothing? I think Cheney and Poe will be fine parents. I’d bet Andrew Sullivan and his partner would be fine parents too. I guess I just can’t see the issue here.

  21. -de stijl

    That would make a splendid Adult Swim series, if I do say so myself.

  22. “Most births are unconscionable, insomuch as consciousness doesn’t enter into it. Turning a time-tested biological imperative into an ego-feeding validation of life is pathological.”

    I sometimes get asked why I don’t have/want kids. But of course no one ever asks people with children why they HAD them. That’s how I started responding to the question, though. Ask them why they have/want kids, and make them defend THEIR position first. You know what they always say? “I don’t know.”

  23. I’d love to hear that Con PE cover Lou Reed’s “I Wanna Be Black”.

    And I am still waiting for Col, Kurtz to sound the alarm about what a dreadful example of out-of-wedlock/homo childbearing this is to our young people.

    C’mon, Stanley–you’ve NEVER failed before. You can do it!

  24. “Ain’t nothing more adorable than cute baby pictures.”

    Except for cute PUPPY pictures! Especially pugs.

  25. From a purly entertainment standpoint the abortion would really piss em’ off. Providing loads of cutting edge commentary to wade through for hours, or at least 30 minutes. The least they could do is go on Maury to find out who the real father is.

  26. OK, the cutest thing would be a picture of a baby playing with a puppy.

  27. How many dead babies can a cute puppy chew the feet off of in one afternoon?

    >;-)

  28. Hell, she should just announce she’s going to have an abortion, just to see what knot the conservatives tie themselves into over that one.

    I also hope the sperm donor was black.

  29. Do they make flannel shirts and construction boots in baby sizes?

    If not, maybe Birkenstocks and LL Bean could look into it.

    (Please don’t picket my house, lesbians; it’s a joke.)

  30. -jeff p

    and muslim.

  31. Jesse

    Please change the headline. I may be an atheist, but I see no purpose in gratuitously offending believers with a false attribution. The immediate disclaimer in the text is not sufficient, given that it is in smaller font and does not appear on the home page.

    thoreau

    “OK, the cutest thing would be a picture of a baby playing with a puppy”

    …with a big-eyed kitten just off to the side.

  32. P Brooks,

    Oh, Lynn Cheney is cruising all right, but I don’t imagine it’s at Babies R Us.

    I’ve changed my mind on the Con PE crew. Sciafe fits better in the Rick Rubin role. I’d slot Grover Norquist in as Terminator X.

  33. UH-oh, Andrew Sullivan just posted my same question about Stanley Kurtz. Where is he today (and yesterday, and the day before)–he is usaully such a reliable bellweather of our moral decline (which, of course, will lead to Islamofascist takeover).

    We’re calling you “out”, Stanley!

  34. “OK, the cutest thing would be a picture of a baby playing with a puppy”

    …with a big-eyed kitten just off to the side.

    in front of a Christmas tree.

  35. On black velvet.

  36. Joe, great point early on gay marriage. Well said, sir.

    I saw the CWA spokeswoman on CNN, arguing with Dan Savage. She kept asserting that “all the research shows” that married, heteosexual parents do a better job raising children when compared with all other familial situations.

    Well, what do you expect from the CWA? The organization was founded by Beverly LaHaye, wife of Christian porno author “Dr.” Tim LaHaye.

    I do hope Savage demanded the names and publications that these alleged “studies” appeared. I get a feeling that the experts this theocratic bitch is citing got their degrees from Christian-themed diploma mills.

  37. Ahhhh crap, that last one was me BTW.

  38. I know that this is going to go down as “What an asshole!” but babies are not cute. Put an infants head on an adult body and people would be running away in disgust. Yeah, I’m a jerk. There is no need to point that out.

  39. “OK, the cutest thing would be a picture of a baby playing with a puppy”

    …with a big-eyed kitten just off to the side.

    in front of a Christmas tree.

    On black velvet

    And the three of them playing poker.

  40. “OK, the cutest thing would be a picture of a baby playing with a puppy”

    …with a big-eyed kitten just off to the side.

    in front of a Christmas tree.

    On black velvet

    And the three of them playing poker

    while smoking big stogies.

  41. New word: Lesbortion.

  42. Akira,

    “I do hope Savage demanded the names and publications that these alleged “studies” appeared.”

    She did mention the Urban League, “the most liberal group in the country.” But you seem to miss the point – the studies she’s referring to are legit. Group A consists of children raised by a couple that was married when the child was born and remained so throughout its youth. Group B consists of children raised in other situations – married gay couples, single moms with no dad around, single moms with dad living down the block, divorced families, kids raised by dad because mom died, etc etc etc. Studies have consistently shown that the kids from Group A do better than the kids from Group B.

    She wasn’t lying about the studies themselves – she was just lying about their implications for kids raised by married/committed gay couples. Savage responded by saying that studies that specifically looked at kids with two gay parents living together found no differences than kids from with two married straight parents. To which CWA-lady said “Nuh uh,” and repeated her misleading line about studies of mom-and-dad households vs. everyone else.

  43. This gives me the opportunity to ask, can one inquire of a gay couple how they conceived their children?
    I have friends: lesbian couple, not super close to them, We run into them at social events and we’ve had them and their twin boys over for dinner. I know that it is none of my business how they did it, but I am dreadfully curious, not in a titillated sort of way, but in a genuine I would love to know how one goes about that process once they’ve committed to the idea way. How do you begin? Did you use a friend to provide the sperm? An anonymous donor? How did you come to that decision? How did they decide which of them would carry the child(ren)? Truly, an idle curiosity, but I would like to know. Without the proper context, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to ask. What can I do, bring up how the wife & I decided to conceive naturally and ask how they decided to do it? I may as well say “we like to have heterosexual sex, in what manner do you like your intercourse?”

  44. Let’s just get this out in the open:
    it was probably David Crosby again.

  45. “Just a simple request here: can I see some stats here? Please? Just a little solid evidence of these claims. Some proof that children raised in gay/lesbian families “are more apt to do poorly in school, disrupt society (e.g., engage in criminality), and be personally troubled.”? Just…anything?”

    Evan!, I don’t know about the first few things you list, but I’d bet money that the kids of these moral scolds would happily contribute to the last item on the list during recess.

  46. Joe, I didn’t see the debate, so I confess I jumped to conclusions.

  47. OK, it’s too bad that H&R doesn’t allow us to post pictures, otherwise I’d upload a picture of my newest nephew just to keep the cuteness discussion moving along.

  48. I would have to post a picture of David Crosby. But only if he was found to be the father. And if he was black.

  49. You want to talk cute?
    Take a look at my boy.
    I win.

  50. Whoa! That got screwed up. Damn tabs!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPNcTrchIv4

  51. I’ve been told that the grey wiry hairs that pepper my taint are pretty cute.

    Anyone wanna see?

  52. thoreau:

    All relatives are perceived as cute. We are not very discriminating when it comes to blood.

  53. “OK, the cutest thing would be a picture of a baby playing with a puppy”

    …with a big-eyed kitten just off to the side.

    in front of a Christmas tree.

    On black velvet

    And the three of them playing poker

    while smoking big stogies.

    with the young, cute Elvis.

    Your turn.

  54. In the abstract, it is good for loving couples to have the freedom to choose to procreate. In this particular case, however, it is good to further perpetuate the bloodline of Vice-President Fudd and his quisling daughter?

  55. True story: I was once at a stop light in Springfield MA and there was a guy selling black velvet paintings from a card table on the side of the road for $5 each. He had one of Hulk Hogan and Jesus standing side by side looking out at the viewer.
    I got a chuckle out of this.

    The next day when conveying this story to my co-workers, they all, in unison, cried “and you didn’t buy it?!”

    FYI, all Black Velvet Painting need clowns.

  56. Pat Buchanon gets the Professor Griff spot.

    Public Enemy played here at my friend’s little club last night, booked at the last minute, but I couldn’t go.

  57. “OK, the cutest thing would be a picture of a baby playing with a puppy”

    …with a big-eyed kitten just off to the side.

    in front of a Christmas tree.

    On black velvet

    And the three of them playing poker

    while smoking big stogies

    with the young, cute Elvis

    and a shocked mother in gingham dropping a tray of Coca-cola at the sight.

    *ping*

  58. The next day when conveying this story to my co-workers, they all, in unison, cried “and you didn’t buy it?!”

    Hell yeah. For a fin I’d had to have me one of those.

  59. Isaac, in hindsite I agree. I might even hang it up.
    But imagine you are Jennifer moving in with me, and all you find on the inside of my sad excuse for a bachelor pad is action figures, prog albums (on vinyl) and Barry Windsor Smith prints.

    Now add Hogan/Christ on velvet to the mix.

  60. “OK, the cutest thing would be a picture of a baby playing with a puppy”

    …with a big-eyed kitten just off to the side.

    in front of a Christmas tree.

    On black velvet

    And the three of them playing poker

    while smoking big stogies

    with the young, cute Elvis

    and a shocked mother in gingham dropping a tray of Coca-cola at the sight.

    and the baby’s toddler brother sound asleep under the card table, clutching a teddy bear.

  61. Karen, I think we’ve just designed a Christmas card.

  62. Hogan Christ.

    $5 at the Rat.

    I’d go.

  63. thoreau, it’ll be the hit of Christmas, 2007. If we work this a little, we can have a 2008 calendar, too.

  64. I surrender. Karen wins.

    My “Cute” meter just vomited.

  65. Jeff

    I see your point. You’ve also given me some insights as to why I have such a hard time keeping women around. 🙂

  66. Cameron just made a cogent argument for gay marriage.

  67. Why go to H&R? More good jokes than anyplace on the web. Thanks to everybody for brightening up a miserable day.

  68. My mother was never married and had 3 children. I never knew my father because he chose not to be one. My siblings had their father die and bleed to death on them when they were 2 and 4. All of us did well in school, have never been in trouble with the law, and managed to escape teh gay ( and we all have gay friends as well).

  69. Since JPod and Cristal are the scions of founding neocons Norman and Irving, there’s no way they could stand in for PE. Their proper rap counterparts are Lil’Bow Wow* and Lil’ Romeo.

    Kevin

    *Yes, I know, they’ve dropped the “Lil’s” now that they are older. And Snoop isn’t Bow Wow’s Dad. But, still….

  70. Speaking of “gay abortions”, there’s a petition to reinstate an abortion scene in the upcoming live-action transformers movie.
    (no i am not making this up
    proof: http://www.blackpitchpress.com/choice/
    )

    I was conflicted: ultimately whose free speech rights were trampled when they cut this scene? The writers, possibly, but I really think stuff like this is up to the director’s discretion, though I signed it anyway.

  71. “OK, the cutest thing would be a picture of a baby playing with a puppy”

    …with a big-eyed kitten just off to the side.

    in front of a Christmas tree.

    On black velvet

    And the three of them playing poker

    while smoking big stogies

    with the young, cute Elvis

    and a shocked mother in gingham dropping a tray of Coca-cola at the sight.

    and the baby’s toddler brother sound asleep under the card table, clutching a teddy bear.

    -and they could all be fisting each other, while smearing feces on themselves. Oh, oh, I think I will go jerk off just thinking about it right now…..

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