Should say: "I go down in every election. Trust me, I know what I'm doing."

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The scene features Bree (Marcia Cross) and new boy-toy Orson (Kyle MacLachlan) in bed, with the underwear-clad housewife protesting her partner's attempt to give her oral sex.

"I don't do that," she says. "I'm a Republican."

"I'm a Libertarian," Orson replies. "I believe in minimizing the role of the state and maximizing individual rights. Trust me, I know what I'm doing."

That's a description of the suppressed Youtube Desperate Housewives tongue-n-groove scene, which ABC nixed after an "unauthorized" release of the footage. The House of Mouse claims it never wanted the sequence made public, though it is apparently using it to tease the upcoming DH season. Stephen Gordon says the alphabet net just doesn't want it to become public knowledge that libertarians make better lovers. I say all the cunnilingus in the world won't change one thing: This is the gash scene that made Marcia Cross our national heroine.

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  1. I wonder how many liberals believe that Republicans don’t have oral sex? How quaint. Of course, I suppose the same number of conservatives think that Democrats all smoke pot and worship Satan. Or is that Libertarians?

  2. Well, my ex-girlfriend was a Republican and SHE hated cunniglingus… and masturbation… and intercourse…

    I think that may be the reason I never got past third base with her.

  3. Whoops… That should have been

    …she HATED…

  4. This is the gash scene that made Marcia Cross our national heroine.

    Yes! I remember when that was on. That was awesome! Too bad Melrose Place took a nosedive after that. (“After” that, you say? Yes, well there’s good trash and bad trash. Some of us know the difference.)

  5. I always thought that oral sex was third base.

  6. “I wonder how many liberals believe that Republicans don’t have oral sex?”

    Oh, we know that they do. It’s just amusing how few will admit it.

  7. Ayn

    Growing up in a Catholic family, I was never exactly sure what base was supposed to be what. All I ever knew that home plate was sex. What kind of sex was never specified.

  8. Over the years, I’ve dated women of various political stripes, and I’ve never encountered this reticence. In fact, I’d say, if anything, the A-type personality conservative women have been the more demanding in that regard–“Service me, boy”–though even that’s just a matter of degree.

    I’m constantly amazed at the stereotypes that fly around in the minds of people out there. I’ve known my share of sex-crazed Christian fundamentalists and sexually inhibited liberal atheists. I daresay that politics, religion, etc. have less to do with sexual behavior than sex drive and, perhaps, general moral beliefs. Sure, that means that there’s some fornicating hypocrisy out there, but who ever said the species wasn’t a self-rationalizing, hypocritical breed? In fact, in the Vega Supercluster List of Sapient Beings, we’re number two in Rationalization. Right after the Rodent Things of Beta Sigma 741.

  9. Kyle MacLachlan? Boy toy? How old is he now?

  10. I always thought that oral sex was third base.

    3rd base is considered touching the genitals (under the undergarments)

    Oral sex is more like an inside the park home run, no??? It feels good but requires more effort and is more tiring???

  11. ChicagoTom,

    Oral sex is more like an inside the park home run,

    That is just excellent! But I’m more into football. Couldya do one for football? Just step outa Wrigley?s and come over to Soldiers’ field…

  12. Wow. I was always under this impression that THIS was 3rd base…

    http://users.forthnet.gr/ath/nektar/kma/contents71.htm

    I guess i was sheltered or something. Live and learn!

    JG

  13. I always thought that oral sex was third base.

    3rd base is considered touching the genitals (under the undergarments)

    Of course the real challenge is trying to hit for the cycle…

  14. So a Grand Slam is when 3 guys go in front of you?

  15. Everyone knows that the most anti-sex political group are left-wing feminists. Republicans pretend to be anti-sex, but being good ol’ boys (and girls), they like a good romp in the hay.

    Libertarians might be the least hung up on sex, but they don’t actually get any… unless they pretend to be Anarchists in order to hook up with the hot Communist chick with the tatoos.

  16. I can never get enough head.

    Preferably from colleagues’ wives, in the faculty parking lot.

    I don’t have to deal with the women’s infections that way.

    Better still, avoiding intercourse makes it easier to dump them when they get old and fat like me.

    p.s. I head Ayn Rand was a YouTubeSteak addict.

  17. Rick Barton,

    You have shown yourself to be no Chicagoan.
    It is Wrigley Field and Soldier Field. Neither name contains a possessive.

    Besides that, if you want to watch baseball, you go to Sox Park or Comiskey Park or the Cell or whatever you want to call it, as long as it’s on the South Side.

  18. found this premier spot…at the end it has Bree saying she doesn’t do it becouse she is a republican…but sans the libertarian response.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48sOJSgAYXQ

  19. “Kyle MacLachlan? Boy toy? How old is he now?”
    Probably about the same age as the old bags on the show.

  20. “That is just excellent! But I’m more into football. Couldya do one for football?”

    Rick Barton,
    I like golf, tennis and track and field, so pay no attention to my attempt, but could oral sex be like a field goal?

    smaacky!

  21. highnumber:

    You have shown yourself to be no Chicagoan.
    It is Wrigley Field and Soldier Field. Neither name contains a possessive.

    Thank you. And Ive been there a number of times so it’s my bad. Had I thought about it, I woulda guessed that Wrigley Field wasn’t possessive and Soldier Field was. I love to visit Chi-town.

  22. Sorry Ruthless, smaaaacky! is out on a date.
    Need help with anything?

  23. martin,
    I’m about to hit the sack with the Little Woman, but thanks for your offer.

    smaacky!

  24. Ruthless:

    I like golf, tennis and track and field, so pay no attention to my attempt, but could oral sex be like a field goal?

    Yeah, that might well be the best there is for a football analogy.

    Now I know you’re a good anarchist, and from your favorite sports, may we surmise that you’re a hard-core individualist as well? I think I’m picking up a pattern here.

    smaacky!

    It’s only with trepidation that I ask if that refers to our own smacky cuz I still regret that H&R meet-up thread where I participated in going on about how cute she was and stuff. It was all in good fun but for my part, although I didn’t consider what I wrote to be offensive, it kinda came too close. It’s the ONLY thing that I’ve ever written on H&R that I’ve regretted. And if smacky was offended, then I’m very sorry.

    (that was my public apology)

  25. Ruthless,

    I just saw your other post so I mow know that that “smaacky!” doesn’t refer to our, smacky. Oh well, I needed to get that off my brain anyway.

  26. what would a touchback or safety be?

  27. …I *now* know…

  28. biologist,

    A safety is gonna have to be something that’s unusual, but you’re still glad that it happened-not as glad as a “touchdown” but still glad.

  29. Sorry Ruthless, smaaaacky! is out on a date.

    Or maybe it does refer to our smacky…

  30. All this d*rty s*x talk is making me feel uncomfortable.

  31. oral sex is third base, its just going in head first, like pete rose

  32. “Trust me, I know what I’m doing.”

    That Was Sledge Hammer’s line.

  33. A useful sex education class would teach women never to scrape their teeth on a man’s penis and teach men not to put their tongues directly on a woman’s clitoris until she is aroused.

    I am absolutely certain about the first half of that.

  34. Let’s steer clear of basketball analogies. Men might like the old give-and-go and the lay-up, but I’m not sure we’d all care for the back door play.

    Meanwhile hockey has “the slot”, the “5-hole” and a penalty box.

    Kevin

  35. Again, I thought that:

    1st base = making out
    2nd base = getting underneath the bra/panties
    3rd base = oral

    I think these are good definitions.

  36. Oral sex, performed on men, is like juggling

    My guess is that no particular political group is any more uptight about particular sex acts than other groups in this day and age but Republicans are probably less likely to be promiscuous or favor pre-marital sex (or at least make that claim).

  37. Kyle MacLachlan?

    I think I’ve only seen Kyly MacLachlan in one thing:

    “Alia keeps pace with the storm.”

    “Stilgar do we have worm sign?”

    “LONG LIVE THE FIGHTERS!”

    “Arrakis…. Dune… Desert Planet…”

  38. Ayn, you are still slightly off:

    1st base = making out
    2nd base = getting underneath the bra/panties
    3rd base = hand/finger job to completion
    Home = any orifiice entry

    I’m just here to help.

  39. Akira – Dune is goofy fune, but you should check out Kyle in Blue Velvet and Twin Peaks.

  40. Akira,

    I guess you never saw Twin Peaks, or The Hidden, which also had Claudia Christian (Ivanova from Babylon 5.)

  41. The invisible URL, take a look, http://www.lonympics.co.uk/0 0.htm

  42. I guess I’m the only one who has seen that masterpiece of the cinema, Showgirls?

  43. Ruthless,

    So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

    Rick Barton,

    There’s no need for talk like that. I didn’t take offense. I am flattered by your polite abashedness.

    (You had the right idea, anyway…somebody *should* spoil the heck out of me! ^_- )

  44. Does this mean that LewRockwell ans Reason will proclaim that Disparate Whorewives is a libertarian Anti-State show that we all must watch to tick off Dubya?

  45. How does one know that Democrats are better at sex? Have you ever heard anyone speak of a good piece of elephant?

  46. what would a touchback or safety be?

    A safety is oral on a first date. A touchback is when the test comes back negative.

  47. [i]Kyle MacLachlan?

    I think I’ve only seen Kyly MacLachlan in one thing:

    “Alia keeps pace with the storm.”

    “Stilgar do we have worm sign?”

    “LONG LIVE THE FIGHTERS!”

    “Arrakis…. Dune… Desert Planet…”

    Comment by: Akira MacKenzie at September 2, 2006 06:28 [/i]

    Geez Akira, at least get some lines that got the double-entendres…

    Gurney Halleck: The slow blade penetrates the shield.

    Gurney Halleck: It’s time for your daily lesson.
    Paul: Not today Gurney, I’m not in the mood.

    Feyd-Rautha: Who is the little one, a pet perhaps? Will she deserve my special attentions?

    Paul: Don’t try your powers on me, witch! Try looking into that place where you dare not look. You’ll find me there, staring back at you!

    🙂

  48. “Ruthless,

    So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?”

    smacky,
    It’s just that I think you should be present to “ground” us… like Darla did for Spanky and Alfalfa whenever their thoughts turned to the opposite sex.
    (I’m aware this could easily become a full-time job for you.)

  49. !eugnot ym gnidulcni, flesym nwo I

  50. “I’m a Libertarian,” Orson replies. “I believe in minimizing the role of the state and maximizing individual rights. Trust me, I know what I’m doing.”

    All the objectivists better hope whoever wrote that line is also working on the Atlas Shrugged movie; (s)he’s got the Ayn Rand writing style down to a T.

    And come to think of it, wasn’t there cunnilingus in both Blue Velvet and the Twin Peaks movie? Damn straight Mr. MacLachlan knows what he’s doing…

  51. I don’t know whether this makes a lick of difference, but Kyle MacLachlan is the actor friends and family have said should play me in the Reason movie. I’d rather be portrayed by Elizabeth Berkeley, but that’s the vote…

  52. If you’re going to use a football analogy, a field goal isn’t so good (since it precludes the possibility of a touchdown on the same drive). Yard lines would be a better choice, such as

    Touchdown: obvious
    Inside the 20: oral sex (“the red zone”)
    Inside the 40: frottage (“field goal range”)
    Between the 40s: hand under clothes
    Out past the 20: making out
    Behind the 20: sensual touching

    …and of course you could add as many shades of gray as you want at each yard line. As for a safety, since it not only involves a score for the other team, but loss of possession, I’m not sure what that would be equivalent to. But whatever it is, it would be funny to watch it happen to someone else.

  53. Shawn:

    No, didn’t see those. Though I hear the young Claudia goes topless in The Hidden.

    However, I did see her Playboy spread back in the 90s.

  54. smacky,

    Thank you! That was so nice of you. Wow, I really had a bad case of “commenter’s remorse” about that thread. I was really worried that you might have taken offense at the over the top way I expressed my admiration. Thanks to your kind comment, I shan’t sweat that anymore.

    You’re a scholar and a gentlelady.

  55. They took down the video before I saw it. Is it still up anywhere else?

  56. Blue Velvet is one of the best movies ever, thanks to one Dennis Hopper.

    “It’s Daddy, shithead! and where’s my bourbon!”

    “Mommy, Mommy! Baby wants to fuck!”

  57. Col DuBois:

    Young ladies could start carrying yellow hankies, and flag the young gents for “illegal use of hands.”
    5 or 15-yards, depending on how flagrant. 🙂

    Kevin

  58. Or else illegal procedure.

    I assume both penalties would be subject to review.

    Also, feminists are not opposed to sex. Trust me on this one.

  59. By the same token, the fellows ought to be able to call a “false start.”

    Kevin

  60. I think that in this context “face mask” would have a whole different connotation.

    And god help the dude guilty of pass intereference.

  61. I lifted this from an adult joke site:

    Birds and Bees
    A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

    ?Mother, where do babies come from??

    The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, ?Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.?

    The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, ?That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy?s vagina. That?s how you get a baby, honey.? The child seems to comprehend.

    ?Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy?s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that??

    ?Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.?

  62. “I guess you never saw Twin Peaks, or The Hidden”

    Not that that was directed at me, but not only have I seen both, I made a compilation video that combines them into a single narrative. My friend the late David Lindelof called it “A Tale of 2 Bobs”, because I’m a Bob too.

    What you have to assume is the events of The Hidden taking place after those of Twin Peaks. The bad guy entity known as Bob in Twin Peaks still infests the Kyle McLachlan character in The Hidden and is then the good guy character. When he says, “The one who killed my partner also killed my little girl”, he’s talking about…himself! And by “his little girl”, he means Laura Palmer; at least she was his to kill!

    This satisfies my sense of drama & humor because I think the real world is a complex place in which one can alternate between being a super-villain and a super-hero, or as much of those as the real world will admit.

  63. The bases are not what they seem.

  64. Also, feminists are not opposed to sex. Trust me on this one.

    Just male-on-female sex.

    Okay, I exaggerate.

  65. Robert, you ass! I still have a whole bunch of David Lynch repertoire I am trying to get through. Thanks for the spoilers, jerk! Hopefully, I shielded my eyes in time to avoid ruining one or more of David Lynch’s works for myself.

    (Just kidding about those insults…mostly.)

  66. spoilers for The Angriest Dog In The World………………………………………………………………………

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