Who Crashed the Kennedy's Cars? After All, It Was You and Me

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Rep. Patrick Kennedy, son of Sen. Ted Kennedy of Massachusetts, crashed his car into a barricade on Capitol Hill early Thursday morning, the Rhode Island Democrat said.

"I was involved in a traffic incident last night at First and C Street SE near the U.S. Capitol," Rep. Kennedy said in a news release.

"I consumed no alcohol prior to the incident. I will fully cooperate with the Capitol Police in whatever investigation they choose to undertake."

Kennedy, 39, was not injured in the accident, which apparently happened about 3 a.m.

Sure, most 3 a.m. car wrecks have naught to do with booze. I confess, I post on this mostly non-story merely in hopes of trying to elicit something fresh in the way of jokes at the Kennedy family's expense. Have at it!

NEXT: Regarding those immigration "facts" from the L.A. Times

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  1. …well at least no one drowned.

  2. The officials said officers at the scene reported seeing the car swerve before the crash and said Kennedy appeared intoxicated.

    After the accident, they drove Kennedy home. There was no indication from the sources that a sobriety test was given or that an arrest was made.

    Sean Richardson, Kennedy’s chief of staff, confirmed there was an accident involving a vehicle overnight, and said no alcohol was involved.

    One source told CNN that Kennedy told a police officer he was late for a vote.

    The House was not in session at the time, having adjourned Wednesday night at 11:59, according to its Web site.

    Sorry Brian, that was the best I could do.

    Sounds to me like there is a double standard when it comes to drunken driving in DC. One standard for the unwashed masses, the other for politicians. Like just about every other law.

    The notion that you could swerve at 3am, total your car, “appear” intoxicated, claim you are late for a vote at that hour when congress has adjourned for the night, and not be forced to take a breathalyxer is totally ludicrous.

  3. oops, I killed my wicked lame joke, but not the apology to Brian. 😡

  4. When the Little Woman and I were in our twenties, we lived in the DC area.
    Even then, we didn’t drive at 3 am.
    We were wild and crazy, but driving at 3 am, for sure, is enough in by book to convict that little twit off the old block.
    2:30 am is final call for driving.
    At 3 am, you have a deep-seated problem.

  5. In DC and NYC, authorities are well-versed on diplosomaniacal immunosity.

    Above, make it: in MY book.
    Is it 3 am yet?

  6. Wow, they had cars back then, Ruthless?

  7. That’s two accidents in less than 3 weeks for “Patches”. Apparently he broadsided another car in RI on April 15th.

  8. Correction:
    Actually he turned left in front of another car and was stuck.

  9. Errr, make that struck.

  10. Hey, at least he wasn’t flying a plane!

    /meh.

  11. Well, since there are no other known substances other than alcohol capable of making one appear intoxicated, I guess that’s that.

  12. Some of the Kennedy stuff is pretty funny. …I mean, after all this time, it’s probably okay to laugh about someone driving off a bridge, leaving the passenger in the water, walking back to the party, not calling anyone for help, calling a lawyer, then calling the police, and then *drum roll* …running for President!

    …but there’s nothing funny about having an affair with a teenage babysitter and then takin’ a header into a tree while playing football on skis. …nope, there’s nothing funny about that at all!

    If comedy is a public service, then these people really do have public service in their blood.

  13. I just heard on FOX that he claimed to have only taken some drug for gastric enteritis and Ambien (!) prior to driving. I guess that’s what they serve until 2:00am around there.

    Can’t the rest of the Kennedy family just die already? What even happened to just shooting them?

  14. Real quick on the “I swear it wasn’t booze!” denial donchathink?

    Let’s just take it at face value that the cause of the accident was Kennedyism.

  15. I just heard on FOX that he claimed to have only taken some drug for gastric enteritis and Ambien (!) prior to driving. I guess that’s what they serve until 2:00am around there.

    Well he was turning into a CVS when he had that accident in RI. Maybe he was picking up his prescriptions then.

  16. An oldie, but a goodie:

    More people died in Ted Kennedy’s car than at Three Mile Island…

    Yeah, it’s weak. Other than that, I got nothin’…

  17. Even then, we didn’t drive at 3 am.
    We were wild and crazy, but driving at 3 am, for sure, is enough in by book to convict that little twit off the old block.

    A friend and I have a saying in response to every crime, single car accident, or otherwise strange happening that occurs at 3 a.m.:

    “Nothing good happens at 3 am.”

  18. I remember hearing somewhere that it is against the law to detain or arrest a congressman/senator on the way to or during a session of congress. I always though this would make for a fantastic action movie, where some ne’er-do-well congressman commits a chain of bank heists on the way to a session and filibusters for days while buying everything he could ever want on his laptop with eBay.

  19. I’d rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than driving with Ted Kennedy. (Based on the casualty figures, of course.)

    -jcr

  20. Sounds like Patrick’s a real chip off the old bridge.

    I MEAN BLOCK!!

  21. The truth is funny enough:

    ?The driver exited the vehicle and he was observed to be staggering,? Baird?s letter states. Officers approached the driver, who ?declared to them he was a Congressman and was late to a vote. The House had adjourned nearly three hours before this incident. It was Congressman Patrick J. Kennedy from Rhode Island.?

    http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/05/04/kennedy.accident/index.html?section=cnn_latest

    The Hell with him. He’s a super big spender. He gets “F”s from the NTU.

    http://www.ntu.org/main/components/ratescongress/details_all_years.php3?house_id=577

  22. Where’s joe to tell us we’re all going to hell for making fun of a great American like Ted Kennedy?

  23. My lame joke didn’t post earlier? I wish I knew if the squirrels or my Goddamned worthless ISP was to blame.

    Kennedy told a police officer he was late for a vote.

    He was late for a vote, guys. You spend six hours in a bar before voting, and see how prompt you are.

  24. Booze:$100
    ???:$2,000
    Car:$50,000

    Getting away with minor vandalism: Priceless

    Yeah, I got nothing.

  25. Randolph Carter—

    I recall reading that Senator Byrd has pulled just this sort of shiat when he was stopped for drunk driving. Apparently the s.o.b. carries around a copy of the Constitution to wave in the face of any cop who dares to arrest him.

  26. Warren,

    I think your concept is good and funny, but why not…

    Getting away with drunk driving: Priceless

  27. I remember hearing somewhere that it is against the law to detain or arrest a congressman/senator on the way to or during a session of congress.

    Yeah, I’ve heard that too — supposedly the rationale was that in colonial days, with their long travel times, this was necessary to prevent any state from unduly influencing the outcome of votes in Congress by making it illegal to seize any Congressman traveling when Congress is in session.

    Of course, drunken driving in those days probably just meant you’d get thrown off your horse. In the age of air travel this part of the Constitution mainly serves to let some Congressman get out of a hot spot once in a while. The last time I heard of something like this happening was about ten years ago, some Congressman got stopped for speeding somewhere like the Leesburg Pike in Virginia, and the state troooper had to let him go without a citation because the Congressman was on his way home from work when Congress was in session.

  28. I was wondering about why that insane tangent about being late for a vote. If the police breathalyzed him then they may be holding a somewhat valuable “voucher” now.

    Rep. McKinney probably would have made for funnier police video.

  29. Okay I heard this one on WHEB in Portsmouth, NH this morning.

    Several other congressmen have stood up in support of Rep. Patrick Kennedy including Rep. Jim Beam (D-KY) and Rep. Jack Daniels (D-TN). He’s also received some support from the Pentagon, from a Captain Morgan.

  30. Dude shouldn’t be driving if he’s on Ambien. Yikes.

    Is it a criminal offense to drive when you’re under the influence of a drug that’s been prescribed for a legitimate medical condition? And how would they test for it?

  31. I think most DWI laws have the blood alcohol level portions (you’re per se impaired), or they can go the other route, which is harder, and actually prove that you were impaired, with the chemical in question being irrelevant.

  32. Rick,
    I tried to work in a number of different ideas (pills, hookers, DC Police). Couldn’t quite get it to flow. I decided that supplying just the basic scaffolding allowed the reader to fill it out in his own mind, and worked better. Minimizing the ostensive punch line fit right in with that, and also set up the last line which gave me a giggle.

    During my Googling I came across this which is unrelated, but flipping hilarious.

  33. US Constitution, Article I, Sec. 6 (1)
    “…Representatives…shall in all cases, except treason, felony and breach of peace, be privileged from arrest during their attendance at the session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same;…”
    So, is reckless driving a felony or breach of peace under the laws of D.C.?

  34. I second joe. Dude defintely shouldn’t be driving on Ambien.

    For those not familiar with it, Ambien is a sleeping pill – you’re supposed to take pretty much immediately before you plan to go to bed as it will reliably knock you out in about 15 min and can fuck with your memory a bit. So maybe he wasn’t drunk, just wacked out on sleeping pills, which I’m pretty sure is illegal to do while driving too if you’re aware of the medication’s consequences, although I’m not sure how they’d demonstrate the intoxication.

    I have a prescription for them and I think it would be safer to down a 6-pack before getting on the road than taking Ambien. If you mix the two you can end up waking up 12 hours later with no idea where you are, how you got there, or why you still have your shoes on despite no longer having any pants.

  35. which I’m pretty sure is illegal to do while driving too if you’re aware of the medication’s consequences,….

    In Florida even accidentally ingested chemicals (e.g. spraypainting a car without proper ventilation) can get the state a conviction for DWI. You are responsible for knowing your condition and taking necessary precautions.

    although I’m not sure how they’d demonstrate the intoxication.

    Crashing your car and staggering out incoherent is a pretty good basis for a case. The tested BAC is a guideline not a requirement.

  36. The best ever Kennedy joke was a single frame cartoon by the great Drew Freidman. It showed Kennedy driving his wife home after a party, obviously drunk. His wife was wearing a life preserver.

  37. Joe

    You really his behavior was caused by Ambien?
    🙂

    That is so cute . . .

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