Justice Department Extending Sentencing Reform Guidelines to Pending Cases

stands with rand, this timeJustice DepartmentAttorney General Eric Holder announced today that he would be extending new sentencing guidelines that order prosecutors not to seek mandatory-minimum sentencing for “low-level” drug offenders to individuals currently on trial for such drug offenses. From remarks to the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation’s Criminal Justice Issues Forum:

I am pleased to announce today that the Department has issued new guidance to apply our updated charging policy not only to new matters but also to pending cases where the defendant was charged before the policy was issued but is still awaiting adjudication of guilt.  By reserving the most severe prison terms for serious, high-level, or violent drug traffickers or kingpins, we can better enhance public safety.  We can increase our focus on proven strategies for deterrence and rehabilitation.  And we can do so while making our expenditures smarter and more productive.

I want to thank all of the Department’s hardworking prosecutors and investigators, as well as our state and local partners, who handle these cases on a daily basis – standing on the front lines of our efforts to combat drug crimes and protect our citizens from the devastating effects of drug abuse.  Their work is tremendously important, and it is valued.  And these policy changes – whose implementation they are leading – will help ensure that their work continues to have the greatest possible positive impact in communities across the country. 

An even greater positive impact would come from not treating the ingestion of a substance as a crime in the first place. While avoiding severe sentences for low-level users is a start, legalizing the business of getting high would go much further in lowering the prison population and the criminal justice system’s work load.

While today’s announcement means the new sentencing guidelines will be applied retroactively to pending cases, there is still no sign the president intends to use his Constitutional pardon powers to lower the sentences of anyone who may have benefited from the sentencing guidelines had they come earlier in Obama and Holder’s five years in office.

More Reason on drug sentencing here.

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  • sarcasmic||

    legalizing the business of getting high would go much further in lowering the prison population and the criminal justice system’s work load.

    You want the children of prison guards to starve? You want children of people in the criminal justice system to starve? Why do you hate the children?

  • Scarecrow Repair||

    No of course not. The children can go into the justice system perfectly well in all the cells opened up by releasing the prisoners. Those bars don't polish themselves.

    Iron bars do not a prison make; they won't be in prison, ha ha, just day care.

  • ||

    But the same qualities that make them so good for factory labor make them liable to slip through the bars and wreak havoc in standard prisons. We probably need to contract out work to retrofit those bars to be a touch narrower.

  • ||

    I suppose you could just wall up the bars altogether. And why contract out the work? We can just force the children to mix and pour the concrete. We could chain them to the bars until the work is complete.

    Problem solved.

  • ||

    Why would I force the children to do it when I can hire my cousin's contracting crew to do it for a bajillion times the cost of child labor? It would stimulate the economy and he'd buy me a yacht...because that's what cousin's do.

  • Cdr Lytton||

  • Ted S.||

    Yes. And I want to see them terrorized when their prison guard (or cop) parents are dragged kicking and screaming from their houses as the houses go on the auction block to pay off civil judgments against them.

  • Hugh Akston||

    legalizing the business of getting high would go much further in lowering the prison population and the criminal justice system’s work load.

    But Eddy, if the drug laws and draconian sentencing mandates weren't in place, the Beneficent High Imperial Obamus Augustus Populi I couldn't show how merciful he was for not enforcing them.

  • ||

    Do I detect sarcasm there Hugh? You are forgetting the legions of pardons he has issued......oh wait.

    Never mind.

  • Number 2||

    "Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that he would be extending new sentencing guidelines that order prosecutors not to seek mandatory-minimum sentencing for “low-level” drug offenders..."

    Careful there...the memorandum does not "order" prosecutors to do or not do anything. And remember: leniency in sentencing depends on whether you are willing to rat out your buddies in a "timely" fashion.

  • Fist of Etiquette||

    So all these federal prosecutors, I suppose now their resumes are suddenly start padding themselves? The governors' mansions are just going to open the doors to a prosecutor doesn't even ask for the bare minimum for drug dealers who deal drugs to our children on the playgrounds? I don't think so.

    Also, did Rand Paul's recent threat of legislation do this? I mean, a memo can be rescinded or ignored, but that law? That meant judges could take the choice out of the hands of the Justice Department altogether, no?

  • ||

    This is actually part of Michelle's Let's Move campaign. See, prosecutors have gotten fat not having to chase padding for their resume and the FLOTUS cannot stand it. For a time they will have to make token effort for that padding and then they'll be allowed to slip into the torpor of being a federal prosecutor once the eye of FLOTUS has moved on to something else.

  • SweatingGin||

    OT: RSA Security recalls crypto product using (likely) NSA backdoored algorithm.

    This is big news in the security world. All the crypto depends on real random numbers.

    There's been rumors that the NSA backdoored a random number generator (Dual EC DRBG) that was used in a NIST standard. Turns out it's the default in some RSA crypto products. It's slower than all the other methods in the standard, so there isn't much reason to use it as the default unless you suspect the others aren't secure, or someone twists your arm.

  • Sevo||

    English would help here.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    NSA - National Security Administration
    EC DRBG - Dual Elliptic Curve Deterministic Random Bit Generator[1] is a pseudorandom number generator

    NIST - National Institute of Standards and Technology

    RSA - RSA is an algorithm for public-key cryptography that is based on the presumed difficulty of factoring large integers, the factoring problem. RSA stands for Ron Rivest, Adi Shamir and Leonard Adleman, who first publicly described the algorithm in 1977

  • Ted S.||

    EC DRBG - Dual Elliptic Curve Deterministic Random Bit Generator[1] is a pseudorandom number generator

    Anybody who uses deterministic methods to obtain a series of random numbers is, of course, living in a state of sin.

    (Probably slightly misquoting John von Neumann.)

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    I didn't say it was good, I said what it was.

  • SweatingGin||

    There's controversy in the Linux Kernel mailing list about if the intel hardware RNG is safe.

    I've been halfway looking for a hardware RNG. Might have to find my old D&D dice to generate a bitcoin key.

  • Sevo||

    "EC DRBG" - OK, so it is ~ a random number generator, which means that some amount of calcs less than infinity can find the relationships?

    "RSA" - Again N (less than infinity)-calcs *will* find the relationships.

    Why not throw a die? Or a pair of 'em? Or ten of 'em?

  • ||

    Why not throw a die? Or a pair of 'em? Or ten of 'em?

    The numbers are really big.

  • Sevo||

    "The numbers are really big."

    "Almost" random numbers are bound to be big, and the closer you get to random, the bigger they are.
    And so long as they are NOT random, they are big numbers subject to N-calcs solution.
    So, I ask again, why not toss dies?

  • SweatingGin||

    It's really hard to make a good random number generator.

    A bad one can impact all the times encryption keys are generated. HTTPS certificates, individual sessions, ssl, pgp encrypted mail, bitcoin, etc.

    If the NSA got weak random number generators in a lot of things, someone else can figure that out and attack a LOT of things.

    If they got weak RNGs in things, they can monitor/intercept/alter a lot of things.

    Your web browser can't ask you to throw 500d10 and enter the result before it allows you to connect to amazon.

  • Sevo||

    SweatingGin| 9.19.13 @ 9:55PM |#
    "It's really hard to make a good random number generator."

    I don't doubt it's impossible.
    Any human-driven algorithm with curves intersecting in the tenth or twentieth or thirtieth derivative(s) has a solution in N-calcs (less than infinity).
    But there is one very easily found random number generator: dice. Or a deck of cards.
    Why isn't it (those) being used? There is no N (less than infinity) calcs that can solve that.

  • Sevo||

    "Your web browser can't ask you to throw 500d10 and enter the result before it allows you to connect to amazon."

    Sorry I missed this.
    Agreed but if my purchase from amazon was such that I'd like to keep it quiet, I could be offered the option.
    What's more is that given the current computing speed, I can's see why my browser couldn't offer the option for most any of my connections.
    Regardless, I'm pretty sure any human-generated digital algorithm is NOT going to be random.
    Dice or a deck of cards or tarot or...

  • SweatingGin||

    Oh -- and RSA algorithm, with 4096 bit key, assuming no massive secret break throughs at NSA (probably still safe assumption at this point) would take well past the heat death of the universe to solve , even with perfectly efficient computers.

    Really big numbers.

    Recent Popehat has a bizarre bit good fable explaining the size of numbers.

  • ||

    And to clear things up for anyone confused, there is a commonly-used algorithm called RSA, and then there is a security firm called RSA Security, founded by the people who developed the algorithm.

  • Sevo||

    Oh, and I got NSA.

  • SweatingGin||

    NSA is in our shit. Probably compromised most commercial encryption products.

    By knowing the output of a random number generator used to make a key, they can determine the key, then decrypt everything.

    They can store captured data streams, then decrypt and examine them later.

  • playa manhattan||

    NSA says "Here! Use this because it is secure! We promise!"

    RSA, the leader in IT security, does just that. NSA can now listen to all coms that use RSA products.

  • ||

    NSA says "Here! Use this because it is secure! We promise!"

    The problem is that if you avoided algorithms solely on the basis that the NSA recommends them, then the NSA can steer you away from good ones by recommending them.

  • SweatingGin||

    And if someone puts a back door in a crypto product, sooner or later, someone else can find it and use it.

    See also: Clipper chip.

  • ||

    Geeks!

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    In a lengthy tirade sent to 72 students of an administrative law class Wednesday morning, the writer scolds classmates at the school, on the York University campus, for suffering from a “peculiar set of eating disorders” and having a “complete lack of etiquette and common courtesy.”

    To put it politely, your constant eating/chewing/crunching/the SMELL is wholly distracting the rest of us from learning
    “Tuna sandwiches: they stink up the entire room. Deli sandwiches: see above. Apples, pineapples and other crunchy fruit: your helpless classmates are here to study. We want to hear the professor, not the gnashing of your teeth and the crunch crunch crunch,” the email reads.

    “Chips: Really? I mean, really? Refer to above point about the noise. But to add, you’re dying of hunger, and you choose to stuff your face with a bag of chips? Out of all available food options? It’s not very healthy, you know.”

    Warning: Jezebel link in article

  • ||

    Seems like it should be up to the professor not some random student. When you have a set of classes from 10-4 or something you gotta eat in one of them.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    WHAT THE HELL AMERICA?

    Founded in 1976 and building on more than two centuries of shared ideals between France and the United States, the French-American Foundation—United States works to enrich a transatlantic relationship that is essential in today’s world. With its sister foundation, the French-American Foundation – France, the Foundation brings together leaders, policymakers, and a wide range of professionals to exchange views and share experiences in areas of mutual concern for mutual benefit.
  • SweatingGin||

    You sugarfree'd the link.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

  • ||

    Does it really matter when his double-blockquotes are so sexy?

  • Ted S.||

    Are they so sexy they hurt?

  • ||

    Would this have been 33% more sexy?

    Founded in 1976 and building on more than two centuries of shared ideals between France and the United States, the French-American Foundation—United States works to enrich a transatlantic relationship that is essential in today’s world. With its sister foundation, the French-American Foundation – France, the Foundation brings together leaders, policymakers, and a wide range of professionals to exchange views and share experiences in areas of mutual concern for mutual benefit.
  • ||

    I thought it would be, but now I'm wondering what that third blockquote is compensating for.

  • General Butt Naked||

    Founded in 1976 and building on more than two centuries of shared ideals between France and the United States, the French-American Foundation—United States works to enrich a transatlantic relationship that is essential in today’s world. With its sister foundation, the French-American Foundation – France, the Foundation brings together leaders, policymakers, and a wide range of professionals to exchange views and share experiences in areas of mutual concern for mutual benefit.

    I'm rich (in blockquotes) BIAATCH!

  • ||

    I would say my small penis, but that would be more like...

    THIS
  • ||

    What happens if I hit the BOLD button more than once?

    Does it get darker?

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    THAT'S RACIST

  • ||

    No.

    How about the italic button?

    Does it get more italicier?

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    Does it get more italicier?

    Yup, they just end up flat:

    _ _ _ _ _ _ _

  • Ted S.||

    It's the superfluous third blockquote, like Scaramanga has.

  • ||

    Deeper
  • ||

    Apparently that was too many

  • Ted S.||

    As long as the <blinkblink</blink and scroll tags don't work.

  • Ted S.||

    Ah good, it looks as if they don't. Or else I failed to close one of my tags.

  • Heroic Mulatto||

    You people are amused way too easily.

  • ||

    Do we know what tags work and don't?

    is this text green?

  • ||

    Jesse, there was a day several years ago when somebody figured out all the shit we could get away with. Half a day of blinking colorful text, nasty as porn, etc and they shut that shit down for good.

  • ||

    I can't imagine a better place to deploy the pure, textual misanthropy of a blink tag than H&R.

  • General Butt Naked||

    That was a day of majesty. I'll never forget it.

  • ||

    I too remember this day, and it was glorious. Truly it will be spoke of in hushed, reverent tones till the end of my days.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    What is this I don't even

    Some economists argue that higher minimum wages will lead to higher unemployment, but a good body of evidence exists showing little connection between minimum wage levels and employment.

    On the other hand, by boosting purchasing power and consumer spending, and helping lower-income families reduce their debt loads, a higher minimum wage could actually have a net positive impact on jobs and on quality of life for everyone.

    Unlike the often-failed trickle-down theory of wealth accumulation, when minimum wages are raised, there is a demonstrable trickle-up benefit for the entire working community.

    In addition to the psychological and social benefits of being able to support oneself, stronger family incomes lead to increased demand for products and services, financially viable businesses, and a generally more vibrant community.
  • Ted S.||

    but a good body of evidence exists showing little connection between minimum wage levels and employment.

    I suppose it depends upon whether the minimum wage is below the market-clearing wage.

  • General Butt Naked||

    Exactly. If there was no connection, then just make it $23048021357/hr and be done with it. Shit, there will probably be more jobs when people start spending their new found cash.

  • ||

    I might go something like this.

  • ||

    That was funny.

    Oh and...

    RACIST!

  • ||

  • ||

    19:50 for lesson on hyperinflation.

  • Heroic Mulatto||

    I watched 30 seconds.

    That.

    That is why they hate us.

  • ||

    Your hatred of Gilbert Gottfried is disturbingly trollaphobic.

  • Heroic Mulatto||

    Gottfried was the only redeemable part.

    The Arab guy with the inexplicable Indian accent is the reason for 9/11.

  • General Butt Naked||

    I'm watching a thing on PBS about Richmond CA and their attempt to use eminent domain to steal underwater mortgages.

    I'm kinda stuck on a concept here and maybe one of y'all could help me...

    They had some sob stories of people that took out refi loans of $.5mil, but their house is now only estimated to be worth around $.2mil. Okay, so far so good. They're underwater and owe more than the house is worth. I get that. But shouldn't they have budgeted to pay for that amount of loan when they took the refi?

    What I don't get is these homeowners telling the city council and the interviewer how they now can't afford the loans because they are underwater. Even if the house was assessed at a billion dollars, they'd still owe that loan.

    I have a mortgage and I have income, I have to pay that mortgage bill every month regardless of what my home may be worth. Hell, if my house was assessed lower, I'd actually save money on lower taxes.

    Is there something I'm missing here, or are people just giving a sob story on the hopes of a bailout?

  • Heroic Mulatto||

    I'm kinda stuck on a concept here

    I think the concept you're stuck on is that you have a sense of financial responsibility and an understanding of consequences that has evolved beyond the level of a 5-year-old.

  • General Butt Naked||

    Did these people expect to refi again to pay off the loan? Is that why they're freaking out?

    There's no other way that I can imagine your incoming money being tied to the value of your house.

  • Heroic Mulatto||

    Probably. People also think that their home's equity is a magical well of mana that never runs dry.

  • ||

    They're slightly more right than people who take out VEHICLE TITLE LOANS, mauahahaha

  • ||

    I thought this was only an issue for the idiots who had ARMs and the rates went WAY and the mortgage became unaffordable.

    There were also the idiots who were in the business of flipping They figured they could hold it for a few months and then unload it at a profit. And they rolled teh dice and came up short. Too bad, so sad.

  • General Butt Naked||

    I think that they were:

    1. Attempt a flip and got stuck on their backs

    2. Do some improvements, go to Hawaii, pay off a bit, and then refi

    3. Think that they've found a way to not pay their bill by going on the teevee and boohooing.

    The ARM thing makes sense, but they framed it like a cause and effect relationship. As in, the housing market crashed and our house lost value, consequently we can't make the payments anymore. It's so crazy that people think of houses like something that should make you money. If I put a flatscreen on a credit card I don't get all bent out of shape that it's "underwater" when I watch it for a few weeks.

  • ||

    WAY up

  • VG Zaytsev||

    Did these people expect to refi again to pay off the loan? Is that why they're freaking out?

    More likely they were able to pay the mortgage until the economy collapsed in 2008, at which point they weren't and the collapse in equity prevents them from exiting gracefully.

    The plan to steal the mortgages is still retarded.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    Holy shit.

    Yesterday the radio was talking about how Mortgage lenders were "predatory" for keeping the value of mortgages high when the value of the homes had fallen.

  • General Butt Naked||

    Who believes this shit? I mean it's so patently false as to be laughable.

    I'd like to take a personal loan from one of these assholes, go out to a fancy dinner, and when they ask for repayment tell 'em I ain't payin' 'em back for a pile of shit I flushed down the toilet.

  • Rich||

    "My dinner is underwater!"

  • General Butt Naked||

    I can't believe that I came up with that scenario, but didn't say that exact thing. Dammit.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    I just checked, and the radio was interviewing the mayor of Richmond,CA!

  • Heroic Mulatto||

    Did the radio also mention how the mortgage lenders use the blood of unbaptized Christian children in their matzos?

  • Ted S.||

    Is there something I'm missing here, or are people just giving a sob story on the hopes of a bailout?

    I presume no responsible lender is going to underwrite Richmond's municipal bonds in future?

  • General Butt Naked||

    Actually they had a problem recently when one of the municipal authorities couldn't find any takers for a newly issued bond. Also, good luck getting a mortgage in Richmond after this. Who'd want to make a loan if there's a good probability that the city will expropriate it.

  • VG Zaytsev||

    I'm pretty sure that Fannie has said that they will not purchase mortgages within the jurisdiction of any entity that does something like this.

    Meaning that the only way to get a mortgage will be from a private party that wants to hold the intact note.

    So yeah, no more mortgages for Richmond - which will do something wonderous to the propery values in the city.

  • Heroic Mulatto||

    I finally found out the name of the girl in the blue dress .

    Jaquelyn Linette Xavier.

    You're welcome.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    GIS....

    I hope the bad tats are just painted on for the photo shoots?

  • Heroic Mulatto||

    It adds to the ratchet appeal.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

  • Ted S.||

    David Bowie inconsolable; server squirrels make him look like a fool.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

  • ||

    I WANT that disease!

  • Irish||

    Rick Reilly points out that the vast majority of Native Americans polled don't find the word "Redskins" racist, and that there are actually several 90%+ Native American high schools who gave THEIR OWN TEAM NAMES the name Redskins. White liberals lose their fucking minds.

    And even though an Annenberg Public Policy Center poll found that 90 percent of Native Americans were not offended by the Redskins name, and even though linguists say the “redskins” word was first used by Native Americans themselves, and even though nobody on the Blackfeet side of my wife’s family has ever had someone insult them with the word “redskin,” it doesn’t matter. There’s no stopping a wave of PC-ness when it gets rolling.

    Goddammit. Don't Native Americans know that the job of non-whites is to unquestionably think whatever rich white liberals tell them to think? How dare Rick Reilly bring up the opinions of actual Native Americans, including the woman he loves? What a racist! He even married one of the people he hates in order to more effectively negate her culture with his white privilege!

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    An Ottawa amateur football club — the Nepean Redskins — is changing its name and logo under mounting pressure from critics who say it’s a racist reference to aboriginals.

    The team’s president Steve Dean said Thursday the change is voluntary and will be officially announced Friday.

    The team “understands that the current name is offensive to some, and thus divisive to our community,” he said in a statement.

    “We want to enable the players, volunteers and parents to keep focused on what we do best: provide excellent cheer and football programs from tackle to touch.”

    The decision comes weeks after an Ottawa musician, Ian Campeau of the band A Tribe Called Red, filed a human rights complaint alleging the name is racist.

    Campeau hailed the news Thursday, posting a triumphant “WE DID IT!!!” on Twitter.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    lol I hit bold instead of quote.
    awesome

  • Irish||

    The decision comes weeks after an Ottawa musician, Ian Campeau of the band A Tribe Called Red, filed a human rights complaint alleging the name is racist.

    Wait...they're seriously claiming this is a human rights violation? I understand if someone is offended, but that is fucking ridiculous.

  • VG Zaytsev||

    the vast majority of Native Americans polled don't find the word "Redskins" racist, and that there are actually several 90%+ Native American high schools who gave THEIR OWN TEAM NAMES the name Redskins.

    Native Americans are clearly suffering from false consciousness and it's the white man's burden to cure them.

  • Rich||

    An even greater positive impact would come from not treating the ingestion of a substance as a crime in the first place.

    Simply handle the ingestion of a substance as we do carbon credits. A Marijuana Credit is created when the equivalent of one metric tonne of THC is prevented from entering a person's bloodstream. Each MJC has a monetary value depending on the type and origin of the drug reduction produced. Each MJC can be traded on the open market ....

    This is a bad idea, isn't it?

  • Winston||

    http://www.slate.com/articles/.....icide.html

    During the periodic budget fits that have seized Washington for the last several years, President Obama and his team have made a consistent claim about negotiating with Republicans. No matter what the president tries, or whom he negotiates with, the White House can never make progress because congressional Republicans are controlled by a hard-right faction that refuses to compromise or accept anything less than total victory. According to Obama, that is what killed the famous “grand bargain” talks with House Speaker John Boehner in the summer of 2011, and it's what killed the so-called Supper Club negotiations on the budget this summer with Republican senators. Now the GOP is handing the president more evidence for his claim. Republicans, including staunch conservatives, admit that a small band of ultrapure conservatives have forced the larger congressional GOP membership into a witless act of blundering self-destruction.

  • ||

    Compromise:

    Drink this glass of poison.

    No.

    Okay, let's compromise. Drink half a glass of poison.

    Sure, everybody needs to give a little.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

  • ||

    Anybody have a suggestion for a very very hot capsicum powder or oil?

    I ask because my roommate's BF has started using the scrubby I keep in reserve for washing my face to wash his body. I feel that we've moved past the need for polite conversation on the topic.

  • General Butt Naked||

    Here's some extracts. They use these to add heat to commercial amounts of chilli, sauces, etc.

    Use double, or triple, gloves and mask when applying. He will never touch your shit again.

  • ||

    Likelihood I'll be brought up on assault charges if I do something like this?

  • General Butt Naked||

    I have no idea. His junk will be on fire for at least an hour, but there won't be any permanent damage. If you don't want to go nuclear, just take some habaneros from the store, cut them in half, and rub them on the scrubby. It will probably work, but is not guaranteed.

  • ||

    Maybe I'll start with that and escalate to 7.1 million scoville units.

  • Agammamon||

    Dave's Insanity Sauce - I maced myself out of my apartment once by putting a little of this in some hamburger and frying it up.

  • ||

    Never saw the point of those things.

  • ||

    Scrubbies? They make one's skin soft. He used the one I have for my feet only once and I thought it was hilarious, but if he's washing his balls with my face scrubby we're gonna have a problem.

  • Agammamon||

    Uhm, *before* you burn his 'nads off, have you actually talked to him about this?

  • General Butt Naked||

    Another man gets his jimmy all up in your scrubby and you'd "talk" to him? Fuck that. You never touch another man's scrubby, that shit's known. Time for talk is over.

  • Heroic Mulatto||

    It's true. Where I come from, that's an offense that deserves at least a stab in the kidneys.

  • ||

    Another man gets his jimmy all up in your scrubby and you'd "talk" to him?

    Seriously. This is a thing I only use on my face, and he's cleansing his taint and asshole with it and then putting it back for me to use on my face.

  • Heroic Mulatto||

    Speaking of "on my face", Horse Semen Shots.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    Maybe he's "presenting"?

  • ||

    The first few things I noticed him using I brought up (laundry detergent, my alcohol), but it's now shampoo, soap (the last time the bar got thin he crushed it into an unusable ball that was 40% his pubes), my scrubby, my towels and an odd assortment of household items, and I just want him to be wary of randomly grabbing things and assuming they're ok for him to use.

  • Heroic Mulatto||

    Dude sounds like a dick. Rabbit punch him and when he's unconscious, penetrate his anus with a curling iron.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    "A Warty Saturday Night"

  • ||

    Bro, that'd make me ALPHA AS FUCK.

  • Heroic Mulatto||

    As Alpha as Jennifer Bro-pez, Brah!

  • General Butt Naked||

    Sounds like balls are gonna have the problem. You should record him running out of the bathroom in pain and upload it to youtube. He'll be the famous burning ballz meme guy.

  • Swiss Servator, Spare a Franc?||

    +1 viral video

  • Agammamon||

    That's because you're not gay nor a woman.

    Straight men are one divorce/breakup from living like animals.

  • ||

    Well being married hasn't led to any increase in scrubby usage.

  • ||

    I actually didn't use one before I lived in Korea for a year. It's an integral part of their bathing culture (you will not get in the hot tub until there is no more skin to slough off), and I got used to it. It's like this, not one of those body wash puffballs.

  • Heroic Mulatto||

    Interesting. Just how scrubby is it? My wif3e uses a pumice stone to exfoliate in the shower, but I find that it leaves my skin too raw.

  • ||

    It's a nice balance. It's not nearly as abrasive as pumice, but it is much more so than those body wash puffs. I avoid using it when it's really dry out though just because I get dry skin when it's colder out.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    Would Ron Swanson use it?

  • ||

  • Heroic Mulatto||

    Speak for yourself. My grooming habits are impeccable.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    You're right. I'm a single straight male.

    Something in my fridge just barked at me when I went for a beer.

  • ||

    I'm a married straight male and the same thing happened to me.

    Of course, I didn't marry well.

  • General Butt Naked||

    The extracts? I've heard of restaurants using them to spice up sauces and chili without using a shit ton of peppers and without changing the flavor.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    is it obvious it's yours? could he think it's hers?

  • Agammamon||

    Yeah, since your roommate's a chick and her BF is a (obviously) straight dude, he may not realize that its yours.

    OTOH, if you've already told *her* to keep him out of your shit, then all's fair in love and jimmy-fryin'.

  • ||

    I don't know, it's a blue sheet of nylon exfoliant that hangs on a rack outside the shower. Other things on the rack are the hand towels for the bathroom, exfoliating gloves, his hairspray, her shower cap, my shaving equipment, and random bars of extra soap. I wouldn't make assumptions about anything on that rack without asking about it.

    She may not have talked with him about the stuff I specifically complained about to her, but I also wrote my name in big block letters all over my detergent and he still managed to polish that off, so I really don't think he gives a shit.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    so I really don't think he gives a shit.

    ah, we've confirmed he's a guy.

  • Sevo||

    And for those who have yet to be informed, Ron Paul tells all working women to quit and home-school their kids. And tell them that, uh, something really bad! 'Cause some dipshit reporter says it's so!
    http://blog.sfgate.com/hottopi.....hool-kids/

  • Irish||

    oaktown_harpy 8:42 PM on September 19, 2013
    Why would I want an amateur (me or anyone related to me) to teach my kids over a professional, someone who has dedicated their lives to the education of children? Someone who knows their age appropriate level behavior and learning hangups, how to get through learning blocks, and frankly gets more done because theyre the "NOT PARENT" the children actually admire. Im no rock star. My kids teachers.... hells, ALL the staff are celebrities. REALLY bad idea.

    This is the most gross sort of brainless hero worship I have ever seen. I'll say it again: Statistically, people who go into education have the lowest SAT scores of all the most common majors.

    The idea that anyone could seriously look at the state of American public schools and still believe that the people running this circus know what they're doing...I don't even have words to describe this kind of delusion.

  • Sevo||

    Irish, I missed (ignored) the comments:
    "Why would I want an amateur (me or anyone related to me) to teach my kids over a professional, someone who has dedicated their lives to the education of children?"
    Uh, 'cause you have the kids and have some idea of...........
    Oh, the hell with it; go ask the teacher when the kid craps his pants!

  • Irish||

    h/t Raw Story

    Jesus Christ, where do you find these websites? They get their stories from Raw Story?

  • William of Purple||

    Jesus Christ

    WHO!?!?!?

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    11 year old gets GTA V. Better than Christmas.

  • ||

    "Parents need to pay more attention to rating labels," wrote Kotaku's Jason Schreier. "Kids who can't even look at Grand Theft Auto V's box without flipping out should really not be playing this game. There are like, hookers. And murder."

    My Granddad taught me how to play Wolfenstein 3D when I was 6 and I haven't had the desire to murder anyone yet. I only recently learned that he did this without the knowledge of my Grandma and parents.

  • General Butt Naked||

    I'm sure that's a great comfort to the parents of Sandy Hook, you monster.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    YEAH

    Single Bet

    Kansas City at Philadelphia (Moneyline) Kansas City 2.50 Win

    Bet 200.00 Win 500.00
  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    Oh no.

    IU.com: Let’s talk about the economy for a moment. How do you rate the Bernanke Fed?

    Malkiel: I really believe that Ben has done a superb job. People often ask me, “Who is your choice to be the next Fed chairman?” and I usually answer that by saying, “Frankly, if it were my choice, and I were in the shoes of President Obama, I’d get down on my knees and beg Ben to continue.” I’m a big Bernanke supporter."
  • Jordan||

  • Heroic Mulatto||

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    does it come in mens XL?
    asking for a friend.

  • ||

    Oh, come now, Warty is more than a friend.

  • Heroic Mulatto||

    Your friend wouldn't happen to be a lawyer specializing in aviation law, would he?

  • ||

  • ||

    SFd teh link.

  • ||

    Are you sure? I clicked through ok.

    http://www.wallcoo.net/photogr.....80_162.jpg

  • ||

    Oops! This link appears to be broken.

    Did you mean: www.­wallcoo.­net

    Might be my browser?

  • Agammamon||

    Wow, 3 times in a row - that might be a new record.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    I'm not getting it either.

  • ||

  • Agammamon||

    'The smiles of infants are said to be the first fruits of human reason'

    Yeah, they're smilin' 'cause they know that one day they'll be able to pick the nursing home the bastard who did this is going to die in.

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

    “Unlike other sketch shows such as SNL or SCTV—The Kids In The Hall’s comedy feels remarkably timeless.”

  • Archduke of Pantsfan||

  • ||

    "Retard" is a French word meaning late.

    "Retard" is an American word meaning to reduce.

    Also "retarded" is a PC term to replace the more offensive term "idiot". Which has since become politically incorrect and replaced by "cognitively disabled" or "mentally challenged".

    I wonder what they'll call it when teh kids start using "cognitively disabled" in an offensive manner?

  • Snark Plissken||

    Shriekily inclined. Tonily-abled. Biden intelligent.

  • William of Purple||

  • Warrren||

    Some classic Matty derp http://thinkprogress.org/ygles.....overlords/

    Can you spot the most idiotic thing?

  • VG Zaytsev||

    The part of my brain that’s familiar with economic history and models tells me that this automation is pushing the production frontier outwards and ultimately making a better world possible. But the common sense portion of my brain can’t help but fear the specter of mass inflation.

    Apparently it's the common sense portion of Matty's brain that is seriously damaged.

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