Bath Salts, Naked Zombie Cannibals & Stupid Senators


Bath salts. They're turning people from Miami to Maryland into flesh-eating hulks and the synthetic concoctions that are sold as insect repellent and plant food have supposedly singlehandedly set off the zombie apocalypse.

New York Sen. Chuck Schumer, fresh off his victory in banning caffeinated alcoholic beverages like Four Loko, is hell-bent on banning so-called bath salts. The senator, who in the past has tried to regulate the price of Coca Krispies, Count Chocula, and other breakfast cereals, also wants to outlaw fake pot, too - because the war on real pot is going so swell.

It all started on a Florida offramp in broad daylight when a car-washing Bible-thumper snapped, allegedly under the influence of zombie dust. The story soon eclipsed the presidential election and Miley Cyrus' lack of underwear as the most important issue in the country.

There was an immediate obsession with the substance that “caused” this unnatural act.To date, there’s no evidence that Sunshine State face-chewer Rudy Eugene was in fact whacked out on bath salts. The Miami Mauler had been arrested at least eight times since he was 16 and had threatened to kill his Mom on at least once violent occasion.

Here’s the problem with banning “synthetic methamphtemine” - or the real thing, for that matter: There are an infinite number of ways that natural and artifical drugs can be combined, married and sewn together to get a user higher Matthew McConaughey on any given Monday. Science will always be one step ahead of the legislative process, so as quickly as a chemical compound is banned, four more will spring forth from crafty laboratories eager to pacify those seeking a quick fix.

But...but...but...bath salts make you a zombie cannibal, don’t they? You can hear the Sen. Schumers of the world ask that question. But hardly The other two cannibalism stories in the news don’t involve bath salts or naked zombies. The Canadian porn star who hacked up his friend, ate his bits, then sent appendages on a tour of the Canadian Postal Service is more gruesome than Celine Dion’s entire discography, but the guy was clothed and sober. The kid in Maryland who ate the heart and brain of his Ghanian roommate was also not on the salts, and he too was clothed.

So instead of banning bath salts, how about enforcing the existing ban on zombie cannibalism? And if we can’t do that, can we at least ban opportunistic, incompetent legislators?

Oh, Calgon, take me away!

Produced by Meredith Bragg. Written by Nick Gillespie and Kennedy, who narrates.

Follow Reason (@reason), Gillespie (@nickgillespie), and Kennedy (@kennedynation) on Twitter.

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  • The Other Kevin||

    Some people are not happy unless they are in a panic about something or other. And some people do not feel useful unless they are on a crusade to fight whatever is panicking the first group of people. That's just the way it is. Lather, rinse, repeat.

  • A Serious Man||

    Simply put: politicians are elected based on whether or not they are perceived as taking action to protect THE CHILDREN. Chuckie Schumer knows how this game is played.

  • Pro Libertate||

    I'd feel remarkably safe if Congress were to be sealed into a giant pit and not replaced.

  • Brett L||

    I'm thinking more of a Running Man style game show where they have to survive for 4 hours against celebrity bounty hunters (or angry citizens) in order to be eligible to vote that day.

  • A Serious Man||

    We are a small operation, but have potential for aggressive expansion. So, which of you fine gentlemen would like to join our team? Oh, we only have one spot available so we are going to have...(breaks pool stick) tryouts. Make it fast.

  • Fist of Etiquette||

    Obviously, we shouldn't be outlawing the substances. We should be outlawing what they do to us. If you do, say, see, hear, read, smell or injest anything that alters your natural state, you should be arrested immediately. That way, the legislature doesn't have to try to keep up with science.

    For Reason TV, I'm Fist of Etiquette.

  • ||

    Could you begin by defining "natural state"?

  • Tim||

    What I fail to see is the connection to Global Warming.

  • Sevo||

    The Other Kevin|6.7.12 @ 3:16PM|#
    "Some people are not happy unless they are in a panic about something or other...

    And the earth is at a TIPPING POINT!:
    "Warming nears point of no return, scientists say"
    And it's due, in part to "Unchecked population growth,(!)"
    http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/......DTLtsp=1

  • anon||

    Didn't that crackpot's population explosion bullshit get debunked decades ago? I mean, he was saying we'd all be starved to death by now, right?

    As we're all fat.

  • Brett L||

    Just on calories alone, I'd say we're good for another 3-6 billion people.

  • anon||

    And that's just the girls John'd fuck!

  • Lord Humungus||

    okay, it's getting old, but I still lol'd.

  • Anacreon||

    WTF? If we're that close to the "point of no return" what's the point of trying to do anything anyway? Apparently, it will happen no matter what we do, so we might as well have a toga party.

  • Sevo||

    AFAIK, it's an appeal to turn the economy over to the government(s) in the hopes that they'll make things rosy.
    IOWs, one more 'sky is falling' claim, but this time they 'mean it'.

  • ||

    Haha. One of my facebook "friends" posted a link to that story yesterday, with the oh-so-precious comment It's all right, Ma, I'm only dying. Of course, this dude is such an overwrought concern troll that his New Year's resolution for 2010 was to write a letter a day to the editors of one newspaper or another about our species' imminent extinction as a result of the dreaded climate change. Aside from quite a few Boston area dailies he managed to be published in the New York Times, Washington Post, and Time magazine. For starters. You'd think a year would be enough, but no, midway through 2012 he's still at it.

    Don't believe me, or in need of some epic self-righteousness? Here's his reprint of one, with added commentary, from his diary at Daily Kos. Feel free to peruse as many of his entries as you can stomach, and breathe a sigh of relief that your facebook friends aren't quite as infuriating as mine.

  • Sevo||

    "Of course, this dude is such an overwrought concern troll that his New Year's resolution for 2010 was to write a letter a day to the editors of one newspaper or another about our species' imminent extinction as a result of the dreaded climate change."

    Love it! S/he'll be writing letters for the rest of his/her life! And they'll all claim the sky's falling tomorrow.

  • Pip||

    If I ever go on a bath-salts-fueled cannibal rampage, the first thing I'm eating is Chuck Schumer's moobs.

  • anon||

    As stupid as people seem to be getting, I'm likely to go into a rage-induced zombie rampage starting with the next moron that calls me 3 times to ask me the same fucking question.

  • Citizen Nothing||

    Are you serious, anon?

  • Citizen Nothing||

    Well, are you?

  • Citizen Nothing||

    Are you?

  • anon||

    AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGHHHHH!

    Seriously, guy calls me 3 times today to ask me if it's ok to bring his car. FUCKING FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK!

  • Brett L||

    If you'd just change your answer every time he calls, it would help your stress level. Dude's gonna do whatever the hell he wants anyway.

  • Pope Jimbo||

    Good luck with that Pip. Those things are so flabby and stretchy that all you would be able to do is pull it out and out like some obscene taffy.

  • anon||

    Random link:
    http://www.reuters.com/article.....6H20120607

    I had no idea Rhode Island was in the video game financing business. Fucking morons.

  • Citizen Nothing||

    In unrelated news, every citizen of Rhode Island is now required to buy a copy of Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning.

  • The Hammer||

    Are you just trolling by posting shit that has been covered multiple times in HampersandR? Is that your deal today?

  • Pip||

    Speaking of naked...

    World Naked Bicycle Day (NSFW)

    http://www.citypages.com/slide.....955001/#11

  • Ben the Duck||

    O/T, but absolutely must be shared: Morrissey: Obama 'Useless,' Just 'A Set of Teeth'

    Dissed by fucking Morrissey? Can it possibly get any lower, weaker or sadder than THAT?!?

  • Brett L||

    Getting beaten down with Justin Beiber's shoe?

  • Ben the Duck||

    Being cruelly mocked by the Archies, in concert?

  • MOFO.||

    "Miley Cyrus' lack of underwear"

    Wait, what?!??

  • The Other Kevin||

    I must have missed that Morning Links as well.

  • Being Waterboarded||

    What fraction of politicians are simply inept, and what fraction know what they're doing is wrong but get sick satisfaction out of the increased power they bring themselves? And don't even suggest that this is a false dichotomy unless you're going to argue that most politicians belong to both categories...

  • R C Dean||

    I think most of them alternate: they do some stuff even though they know its wrong, and the stuff they do that they actually believe isn't wrong, well, they're mostly wrong about that.

  • ||

    I don't think they all fit into those two categories. There are many that are quite good at their jobs; their job is getting elected. The policy stuff is mostly irrelevant to them, and they don't really see things as good or bad.

  • Chris Dubuisson||

    I am confused, both by Schumer's actions and your argument. Under the Federal Analogue Act (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Analogue_act) the DEA can unilaterally ban pretty much any recreational substance they want to. No legislation required. This was done specifically to address the problem of science always being one step ahead of law.

  • Sevo||

    Chris Dubuisson|6.7.12 @ 5:01PM|#
    "This was done specifically to address the problem of science always being one step ahead of law."

    What 'science' is involved here?

  • LTC John||

    Science-y science...you know, SCIENCE!

  • Coeus||

    But hardly The other two cannibalism stories in the news don’t involve bath salts

    Neither does this one.

  • Pi Guy||

    Conveniently lost in the bath salts uproar is the fact that the guy had a BAC of 0.29, 3-4x the legal driving limit in most states.

  • LTC John||

    And he had taken some Xanax too, hadn't he? Nothing like mixing a little meds and alcohol!

  • lunettes de soleil pas cher||

    There was an immediate obsession with the substance that “caused” this unnatural act.To date, there’s no evidence that Sunshine State face-chewer Rudy Eugene was in fact whacked out on bath salts. The Miami Mauler had been arrested at least eight times since he was 16 and had threatened to kill his Mom on at least once violent occasion.

  • Dan Clore||

    Zombie hunters might like to consider this:

    http://www.marinecorpstimes.co.....gs-060612/

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