The Drink Formerly Known As Cocaine

In response to threats from the Food and Drug Administration, Redux Beverages has decided to rename and reposition its Cocaine energy drink. The FDA faulted Redux for marketing the high-caffeine, no-cocaine drink as "a street drug alternative," which, by the agency's logic, makes the product both a "misbranded drug" and an "unapproved new drug," even though its ingredients are neither new nor unapproved. Redux hopes changing the marketing will magically transform its sweet, stimulating beverage back into an ordinary foodstuff. But it will also eliminate the product's main point of distinction from its competitors.

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  • ||


    even its ingredients are neither new nor unapproved

    even though ...

  • Guy Montag||

    With a name like Redux they should be used to this.

  • ||

    How does calling something an "alternative to X" automatically put it in the same class as X?

    Hey, guess what: bicycles are an alternative to driving. BAM! Bikes are now automobiles!

    Eating apples is a great snack alternative to chili dogs. BAM! Apples are now high-fat, high-calorie heart-attackers.


    Hey, wait a minute...doesn't this whole association game render the ONDCP's idiotic "_____, the Anti Drug" thing invalid (yes, I know that the FDA doesn't have purview over such things, but in principle at least)?

  • brains||

    "With a name like Redux they should be used to this"

    wha wha whahhhh...

  • ||

    Couldn't they just change the name of the drink to Not Cocaine? Certainly, it's not as sexy, but it is accurate.

  • ||

    Maybe they can just name it "Crack" instead.

  • ||

    Yay! The FDA saved us from a perfectly safe product!!!

  • ||

    Maybe they can just name it "Crack" instead.

    This certainly is a slippery slope type situation, isn't it? Will the FDA let them change the name to a slang term for cocaine (Yes, I know crack is different from plain cocaine)? Like, any of these: Dust, Toot, Line, Nose Candy, Snow. Sneeze, Powder, White Pony, Flake, The Lady, Cain, Rock, etc. (list via Here.)

  • ||

    Man, I sure could use a nice frosty mug of Toot right about now.

  • ||

    Couldn't they just change the name of the drink to Not Cocaine? Certainly, it's not as sexy, but it is accurate.

    Maybe they could drop the ine and add Cola instead.

    Whoops!! That name is taken by another caffinated no-cocaine drink.

  • lunchstealer||

    Maybe they can just name it "Crack" instead.

    Or 'Speedball'

  • ||

    Chancellor-I like face drano, myself.

  • ||

    Like, any of these: Dust, Toot, Line, Nose Candy, Snow. Sneeze, Powder, White Pony, Flake, The Lady, Cain, Rock, etc. (list via Here.)

    Providing a list like this and omiting "Booger Sugar" is criminal!

  • ||

    Couldn't they just change the name of the drink to Not Cocaine? Certainly, it's not as sexy, but it is accurate.

    Call it UnCocaine.

  • ||

    "I tried snorting cocaine, but I couldn't fit the bottle up my nose. Then my friend told me he snorted it threw a straw, so I tried that. I didn't like it, the bubbles tickled my nose."

    Future presidential candidate from southern state.

  • ||

    I wanna see Dan T. defend the courageous actions of the FDA in this case.

  • ||

    Call it UnCocaine.

    The UnCoke? Like 7-Up was the UnCola?

  • ||

    Yeah.

    Or maybe: Joe Versus the Cocaino.

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    Call it Dirty Sanchez. I guess that would be if it's chocolate flavored.

  • ||

    Cokeain?

  • Mike Laursen||

    Aren't hipsters and junkies just going to refer to it by its street name, "Disgusting Shit"?

  • ||

    Joe Versus the Cocaino.

    Cocaino Royale.

  • ||

    I wanna see Dan T. defend the courageous actions of the FDA in this case.

    Hmm...I might need to think about this one for a while.

  • ||

    "But it will also eliminate the product's main point of distinction from its competitors."

    I thought the main point of distinction for this product was the "can't finish the can cuz it burns and tastes like shit" thing...

  • Tym||

    Cocain't

  • dhex||

    they should just brand it, in huge ultra bold letters, THIS DRINK IS NOT COCAINE.

    i'd buy one. wouldn't drink it, but i'd buy one nonetheless.

  • ||

    Nocaine.

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