"You Are Not the Selection Committee. You Are the Welcoming Committee."

A nice line for prospective parents-in-law, from Abigail Shrier (crediting a friend of hers) in her Free Press advice column.

One more item from the same column—the person seeking advice, about what to do about her 22-year-old daughter's prospective impending marriage, included this in her question:

[G]iven that these two are facing certain separation for a couple years, I feel like her fiancé proposed in order to tie her down. To take her off the market.

Shrier's response:

The only reason any good man ever proposes to a woman is because he wants to "tie her down" and "take her off the market." There is nothing sinister in this—and in fact, much to celebrate.

Comments

[Stupid Government Tricks]

Some things are so blindingly obvious that it's hard to believe anyone needs be told.

[Malika la Maize]

What’s obvious about this?

Sure, a parent can’t (and shouldn’t) select the spouse of their adult child in a liberal society. But is it obvious that they shouldn’t counsel wariness to their child about marrying young or the only significant other the child has ever been with?

[Sam Bankman-Fried]

If the man has a large salary the parents should always encourage the daughter to get married and she should pressure the guy to get married…in today’s society there is zero penalty to a woman marrying young and having a baby and if the guy has a big salary she gets $$$$ in the divorce. If the woman has a large salary she shouldn’t be spreading her legs for normal guys to begin with and if a normal guy impregnates her she should get abortion.

[Stupid Government Tricks]

Your feigned stupidity is boring. Get a new schtick.

[Malika la Maize]

So you’ve got no response?

[Stupid Government Tricks]

My response is to get a new schtick.

[Sylvie1]

I read Ms. Shrier's column. The mother had already spoken to her daughter and shared her fears. Since that had no impact upon the young lady's decision, she proposed to speak to the couple jointly.

Ms. Shrier counseled her accordingly.

[TwelveInchPianist]

Yup. The mom's making her anxiety her daughter's problem.

[M L]

"But is it obvious that they shouldn’t counsel wariness to their child about marrying young or the only significant other the child has ever been with?"

They should encourage their child to marry young.

[santamonica811]

(Partly or mostly) behind a paywall.

[Lee Moore]

Mom : Here’s the rub: I got married at 22 myself. But that was in the ’90s. And I am from Wisconsin, where that was pretty common. My brother got married at 22 also, within a year of graduating from college. However, my marriage ultimately failed. We stuck it out for more than 12 years and had three kids along the way but, by the end, we didn’t love each other anymore. And he cheated.

I'm sorry he cheated, but otherwise ... I'm quite happy that your daughter is ignoring your advice. Your career is unimportant, ditto your husband's, ditto your daughter's. Your marriage did not fail - it succeeded. You had three kids. Well done. That's the point of marriage. The rest is gravy.

How fortunate that someone or something persuaded you to ignore your absurd preference for "career" over family, and get stuck into the babymaking business at 22. How awful might the path not taken have been - putting all your energy into some worthless "career", eventually getting started on babymaking at 33, only when your ovaries had started screaming "get on with it you crazy b***h, before we dry up altogether !" Then a few years of failure and artificial this and that, and maybe finishing up a dried up husk, a bitter cat lady in training.

At 22 your daughter is by no means too young to start off on the family construction business, indeed she's probably about four years late. She should just be popping out number 2 baby right about now.

Because I am extremely liberal, I still believe that women (and men) should be allowed to make crazy reproductive choices. But I cling to this opinion listlessly and without conviction.

Forget your dumb career. Life is reproduction. Everything else is a hobby.

[Brett Bellmore]

Seriously, so few people realize that. I didn't figure that out until my life was half over.

True happiness comes from understanding what you exist to do, and doing it. Everything else is a distraction.