Dave Barry's Year in 2020 Review: Marpril

A perfect summation of the longest month ever.

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Every year, I look forward to reading Dave Barry's Year in Review column. Indeed, I modeled my SCOTUS term in review after Barry's style. This year, however, was bleak. The thought of reliving 2020 is not a pleasant one. Still, Barry managed to write a pitch-perfect piece. Read the entire column. But in particular, his summary of the month of MARPRIL (not a typo) is a perfect summation of the longest month ever:

And then, sprinkled in amid all the political coverage, we begin to see reports that this coronavirus thing might be worse than we have been led to believe, although at first the authorities still seem to be saying that it's basically the flu and there is no reason to panic, but all of a sudden there seems to be no hand sanitizer for sale anywhere, which makes some sense although there is also no toilet paper, as if people are planning to be pooping for weeks on end (ha), and then we learn that Tom Hanks — Tom Hanks! — has the virus, and now they're saying it's a lot worse than the flu and we need to wash our hands and not touch our faces and maintain a social distance of six feet and use an abundance of caution to flatten the curve (whatever "the curve" is), but they're also saying we don't need face masks no scratch that now they're saying we DO need face masks but nobody HAS any face masks but hey here's a funny meme about toilet paper but ohmigod look at these statistical disease models WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE but Trump says maybe this hydroxysomething medicine will work no it won't work yes it will work no it won't and now they're saying there won't be enough ventilators or hospital beds or PPE and Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx are saying everybody has to shelter at home or else WE ARE ALL DEFINITELY GOING TO DIE hey here's another funny toilet-paper meme but seriously what is PPE and is that different from PPP and where will we get the ventilators and there won't be enough hospital beds and there is still no hand sanitizer and I keep touching my face and they just canceled the NBA can they even DO that wait now they canceled ALL the sports and closed all the schools the colleges the stores the restaurants the bars the theaters the hair salons the parks the Atlantic and Pacific oceans and now they're saying we need to stay at home for HOW LONG what about the toilet paper I can't stop touching my damn face are you seriously telling me all this is because somebody ate a freaking bat maybe Amazon has toilet paper ohmigod they're sold out too WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THE TOILET PAPER not another Zoom meeting I am so tired of shouting at people in little boxes maybe I should take a shower but what's the point hey here's a bunch more funny memes ohmigod look at the stock market the price of oil maybe I'll just take a peek at my 401(k) oh NOOOOOOOO and WHAT ARE PEOPLE DOING WITH ALL THIS TOILET PAPER and how long do we have to keep being abundantly cautious what did Trump say about the ventilators and what did Dr. Birx and Dr. Fauci say about what Trump said about the ventilators and what did Trump say about what they said about what he said about the ventilators ventilators ventilators LOOK AT THESE MODELS WE ARE STILL GOING TO DIE but do we really want to go on living in a world where there's no toilet paper and every single TV commercial sounds like "as we navigate these difficult times together, the National Association of Folding Chair Manufacturers wants you to know that we are committed to running these TV commercials with a somber narrator voice telling you how committed we are" and WHY WOULD SOMEBODY EAT A DAMN BAT these memes are getting old hey do you think that Carole Baskin woman actually fed her husband to a tiger maybe we should order pizza tonight wait I think we had pizza last night are you sure it's Tuesday because it feels more like Thursday no please God not another freaking Zoom meeting stop already with the memes if the tiger ate her husband shouldn't there be a skeleton somewhere are we flattening the curve yet Dr. Fauci Dr. Birx because we're in a recession no wait maybe it's a depression look at the unemployment numbers we are never going to recover from this if the virus doesn't kill us we will starve to death we need more money from the government we need billions no we need trillions no we need MORE trillions where is this money coming from we have to open the economy up but if we do WE WILL ALL DIE hey I found some toilet paper oh no it's one-ply which is basically the same as using your bare hand thank God I also found some hand sanitizer and speaking of good news Bernie Sanders is endorsing Joe Biden so apparently they're both still alive if I see one more meme I am going to puke in my face mask I'm afraid to get on a scale my thighs are basically two armadillo-sized wads of pizza dough hey Dr. Birx Dr. Fauci when will we have a vaccine when will we have herd immunity when can we go outside when can we go back to work what is the "new normal" good lord what did Trump say about disinfectants DON'T INJECT CLOROX YOU IDIOTS what about the food chain what about reinfection what about the second wave hey they're showing the NFL draft and Georgia is opening the tattoo parlors and holy crap now it's …

This paragraph is a single sentence. Yet, it flows so naturally. And it perfectly captures the neverending sense of panic and dread we all experienced in March and April.