My Favorite Things (TSA Version)

A reined-in TSA would be the sound of music to many Americans' ears.


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All Remy wants for Christmas is his two front pockets ungroped.

Parody of Rodgers and Hammerstein's "My Favorite Things," written and performed by Remy. Music tracks mixed and mastered by Ben Karlstrom.

Barking out orders to the lined up masses
Patting them down on their chest, groin, and asses
Blue denim packages, grabbing your peen
These are a few of my favorite things

Plundering iPads and pocketing 40
Acting like I am a suppository
Groping survivors of mastectomies
These are a few of my favorite things
Scanning your schnitzel, your johnson, your noodle
Saving that data and chain-yanking poodles
A penis that shape oh it's probably Steve
These are a few of my favorite things

Seeing a man trying to plan
A lacrosse jihad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Making you throw away half-empty Yoohoo
Taking your rights and selling them back to you
Seeing good people lose their dignity
These are a few of my favorite things

They just searched me for seven minutes! In heaven
Their budget's 10 times bigger than post-9/11
In undercover tests they barely catch a thing
Give us a list of your favorite things

Treating free people like potential muggers
Patting more children than lonely Josh Duggars
Seeing our new intrusions met with apathy
Seems like a good list of favorite things

Fights against terrorists we have eased up in
But to us you still give the blue-gloved cupping?
Who do you view as the real enemy?
What's your idea for solving these things?