Free Minds & Free Markets

A Clip-n-Save Speech for Your Next Political Event

Politicians speak in platitudes.

Politicians like to give speeches, you might have noticed—and modern communication makes it easier than ever for their speeches to reach a broad audience. But in today's fast-paced world, who has the time to watch or read them all?

As a public service, herewith a major time-saver: a distilled version of every speech you can expect to hear over the next 12 months. No need to send thanks—just cash.

Thank you. Thank you all. Thank you very much.

It is so great to be here in (locality), home of the (hometown team). Go, (mascot)!

My friends, we stand at a crossroads. This is a defining moment for our (city / state / nation). We face many challenges, and there are no easy answers. We have (come a long way / achieved a great deal), but there is still much to do. There are those who say we are not up to the task. There are those who want to turn back the clock. But I believe that if we work together, there is nothing we cannot achieve.

But to achieve great things, we need bold leadership. And that is why I am proud to stand before you today and announce my (candidacy / re-election campaign / new program).

As some of you know, I come from humble beginnings. My father was a hobo who rode the railways. My mother was a hotel maid. On the side, she sold paperweights that she made by melting leftover shampoo bottles in the oven. But my parents taught us important values: Honesty and hard work. Courage and determination. And one other pair of values, because audiences like lists that come in threes.

It is because of those values that I am the first member of my family to (go to college / avoid indictment / eat three meals a day.) We didn't have it easy. But like my grandma always told me: "If you sit in a closet and pray for hot dogs, you'll get coat-hangers."

And so we have a responsibility to the American people. People like you. People like me. People like a person I am about to mention by name, because my consultants say personal stories poll well with focus groups. I'm talking about Joe Brown, who lost his job of 20 years when the sprinkler factory he worked at moved to Mexico because of those who disagree with me.

Joe found himself struggling to put food on the table. But with the help of a program that I started, Joe got retrained at the local community college, and he is now night manager at a hose factory. Joe is with us here today. Joe, would you stand up please, so people can see what a blessing I have been to ordinary people?

People like Joe are the reason we must build a stronger, more diverse economy. An economy with a world-class business environment. An economy that creates well-paying jobs. But let me be perfectly clear: that strong economy should also provide quality health care, so that nobody is ever one illness away from having to choose between paying for a prescription or paying the rent.

Now, make no mistake: To build that economy, we need to invest. We need to invest in infrastructure, and education, and a world-class workforce development program. Studies have shown that for every dollar we invest in X, we get back Y. The fact of the matter is, X is a good deal for taxpayers. But we also need to invest in game-changing ideas that will benefit the forgotten middle class. And we need to strengthen networks that will help us come together to offer solutions and implement plans. That is the vision I want to talk to you about today.

My vision for a brighter future includes energy independence. It includes support for law enforcement and our first responders. It includes jobs. It includes public safety. Wmust close the digital divide. We must help struggling areas meet their full potential. We must devote additional resources to address the crisis of (refer to trending topics on Twitter).

And above all else, we must make X the capital of Y.

Also, something about veterans. Thank you for your service.

This is a historical moment. And so I call on (my colleagues / my opponent / the other party) to work with me in a bipartisan fashion to (balance our budget / pass this legislation) in a fair and responsible way. Let us come to the table and work together as we continue this important discussion about growing our economy and creating new jobs. Let us not shrink from the task ahead. Let us, as Martin Luther King Jr. once said, (insert MLK quote here).

Thank you all. And may God bless America!

This column originally appeared in the Richmond Times-Dispatch.

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  • Radioactive||

    Have you obtained copyright to this? If not consider it public domain and I'm so stealing it like right now?

  • Roger the Shrubber||

    Hinkle, let me be (clear / frank). This (article / post / rant) (did not make me laugh / is simplistic drivel / was a waste of my time / sucks)!

  • Exocetmd||

    Mr. Hinkle, you have my vote!

  • SQRLSY One||

    Also, I love motherhood and apple pie, and when I grew up, we were so poor, that I understand what it is to be poor or middle class. We were SOOOO poor, we ate cockroach stew, and wore rat-fur coats!

  • Rat on a train||

    Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our dad and our mother would kill us, and dance about on our graves singing 'Hallelujah.'

  • Roger the Shrubber||

  • CE||

    You had bowls to put stew in and a stove to make it on? We just ate the cockroaches.

  • Rat on a train||

    Studies have shown that for every dollar we invest in X, we get back Y.

    X > 0. X > Y. Sometimes 0 > Y.

  • Diane Reynolds (Paul.)||

    But in today's fast-paced world, who has the time to watch or read them all?

    Isn't that why the leader of the free world speechifies by tweet?

  • Rhywun||

    Don't you worry about (country/state/city), let me worry about blank!

  • DiegoF||

    If Joe Biden has any balls, and really is the shoo-in everyone is declaring himself to be, he will announce his candidacy using at least some of Melania Trump's convention speech inserted verbatim.

  • Arizona_Guy||

    It's ridiculous that we spend billions on (things my opponents like) when (non sequitur)

  • SQRLSY One||

    And do not be fooled by the fake news! That thing that my opponent keeps on saying about me and the rabbits and hamsters and the blue paint and the dwarves? It's just not true!!! I believe in good old-fashioned American values! I haven't done that sort of thing in 2 whole days now, and will never-ever do it again! Trust me!

  • CE||

    You forgot to say the infrastructure was crumbling. Undoubtedly through decades of neglect, and requires a new Apollo program to invest in America.

  • NoVaNick||

    I would give it a B, but he failed to mention "the children" and "climate change" even once-so C-

  • NoVaNick||

    No mention of women OR equality either. Big fat F for you Barton-you sexist, classist pig!

  • Eric Bana||

    We might be seeing Oprah going head-to-head with the Donald.

    I wonder if she'd actually protect civil liberties and not crucify whistle blowers. Hope and Change 2.0.

  • SQRLSY One||

    You can have the Hope; I just want to keep my change!

  • SQRLSY One||


    I will save you from the illegal humans and the baby-killers!


    I will save you from the GMOs, global warming, and the Evil KKKorporations!

    All parties:

    I won't tax you and I won't tax me;
    I'll tax the fella behind the tree!

  • Berresford||

    I'd follow you anywhere!


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