Eat Not To Dullness

Jared has a last name, but like Michelangelo, Madonna, and Saddam, he doesn't need one. When I say "Jared," you know I'm not talking about actor Jared Leto or Pulitzer Prize-winning author Jared Diamond. Those guys have their constituencies, but uninym status? There's only one Jared who can make that claim: Jared the Subway Guy, the innovative weight-loss adventurer who, thanks to his ability to shed pounds while eating nothing but fast food, stands as the most improbably enduring icon this new millennium has produced.

Go ahead, say how much you hate Jared, how indifferent you are to his underperformed lean-sandwich pitches, how stupid the American people are for liking him, how you've actually never heard of the mild-mannered diet king, and so on. But can you explain his extraordinary popularity (now entering its sixth year of dully people-friendly megasuccess)? At The Rake, Greg Beato looks for an answer, in a profile of Subway's 600 Million Dollar Man.