Free-Range Kids

Congress Would Like the CDC To Ruin Halloween

"We are writing to ask you to update your Halloween safety guidance to include considerations related to COVID-19."

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On the one holiday of the year it's traditional to wear masks, Congress is nonetheless asking the CDC for coronavirus guidelines.

A bi-partisan group of 30 lawmakers wonder what protocols the little ghosts, goblins, and vampires should adhere to when—and if—they trick or treat. As The Hill reports:

"We are writing to ask you to update your Halloween safety guidance to include considerations related to COVID-19 so that Americans across the country know how to celebrate the Halloween season safely this year," the members, including Reps. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Texas), Rodney Davis (R-Ill.), Ann Kuster (D-N.H.) and Jackie Walorski (R-Ind.), wrote to Redfield last week.

They want to know if kids should attend parties, or package treats for each other, or even participate in some kind of drive-by trick or treating.

"With the appropriate guidance from the CDC, Americans can celebrate Halloween throughout the month of October in ways that prioritize community safety and adhere to rigorous socially distancing requirements," the members wrote.

By the time you're prioritizing "rigorous" anything, you're generally not talking about a super-fun event. If I were to venture a guess, I'd bet that the CDC will recommend that this year, kids celebrate on Zoom with all the joy their parents have experienced in staff meetings these past six months.

Maybe the agency could recommend some new games, like, "Who can suck their mask in the farthest?" Or "Green scream!" where kids compete to see who can create the scariest green screen background (or who can wear enough green paint to blend in except for their eyes and mouth—kind of a cool idea). "Pin the tracer on the virus-infected contact" is another game the scientists might recommend, but apparently this is too hard even for grownups to play.

Halloween was actually ripe for some re-imagining. In recent years it has morphed from the traditional kids-have-the-run-of-the-neighborhood night into an orgy of infantilization, whereby adults walk or even drive their kids house to house, stunting any kind of independence and bravery that might have taken root on this one thrilling night.

This year, they have the perfect excuse to stay home, lock the doors and simply load the kids up with candy (or  in some households, fresh broccoli florets and kombucha). Boo. Hoo.

NEXT: 'Who Funds the Rioters?' Is Not a Question the Federal Government Needs To Ask

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  2. Life is starting to suck.

    1. The joke is real.

      Social distancing is putting a bubble around yourself.

      It has come to pass.

      We’re now living in government mandated bubbles to keep us from getting sick.

      1. …to keep us dependent and from thinking for ourselves.

        FIFY

        1. that too

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      2. “We’re now living in government mandated bubbles to keep us from getting sick.”

        A couple hundred thousand people disagree with that – – – – – – – – – –

      3. It isn’t a joke.

        It isn’t funny.

        Where the fuck are the pitchforks and torches?

        Can we make Twisted Sister’s “We’re not gonna take it” the official theme song for 2021?

      4. since I am NOT going to get sick anyway, why do I need da gummit to tell me how not to do what I was already not going to do anyway?

        How’s aboit da gummit just shut up and go away. I doan need no steeeeeenkeeeeeng Nannie. They are already responsible for my not having enouhg fun already. Why dont THEY go on lockdown for a few years and let US run the country for them?

    2. Starting? Starting???

    3. Anybody honestly surprised that government won’t give up their power to control your lives that lots of people happily gave up months ago?

  3. At this point it’s obvious they’re no longer issuing “guidance”, they’re issuing threats. “Do what we say or the kid gets it” should be the last straw.

    1. But they banned straws

  4. People have been wearing masks durong Halloween for decades!

    1. Everyone is going as a surgeon this year.

      1. Or as the scariest thing ever: a mail-in ballot.

        1. Or a mostly peaceful protester.

          1. Good one. Which variety of mostly peaceful protestor — antifa or militia?

  5. “We are writing to ask you to update your Halloween safety guidance”

    That’s the most disturbing thing to me in this article… CDC Halloween safety guidance was already a thing even before the Covid.

    I can’t help but remember Pelosi’s line in regards to spending cuts: “The cupboard is bare”…

    1. The CDC the ultimate Karen helicopter mon

      1. Ok adele

    2. She says the same thing about her ovaries.

      Sorry for the visual. No. I’m not sorry.

      1. Ewww

        I tried to think of a Crusty-like reply, but my stomach isn’t strong enough.

        1. There may be 1 or 2 left in there. Think 1000-year egg.

        2. “Crusty-like”

          Whatever happened to the Juggler?

          1. Dunno. Kind of miss his disgusting humor though; he had a way of lightning things up a little bit. It gets pretty dark in these threads sometimes.

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      2. pelosi’s ovaries are like a balud…old and smelly but they have their fans

  6. But what about the millions of kids who die every Halloween from razor blades in apples and poisoned candy?

    1. COVID deaths. All of them.

    2. Don’t forget the sex offenders. An officer is needed for each to ensure they stay in their homes with the doors locked and lights out.

    3. Also don’t forget all the stoners who are handing out edibles that look just like regular candy.

      1. Is there an entry on weedmaps for those addresses? Asking for a friend

  7. Pandemic management tips from disaffected Prager lecturers are always a treat.

    Carry on, clingers.

    1. The Kirkland NPC doesn’t need to worry about viruses, because it uses Kaspersky.

    2. Just curious. Whom is that a reference to? (Honest question.)

      1. Look at the dope who never heard of google.

        1. So google “disaffected Prager lecturer”.
          Riiight.

    3. So you’re going as the Atomic Wedgie again this year?

    4. Wait, are you admitting that masks aren’t effective?

  8. I’m way too old to go out on Halloween, but if I did, I would totally be dressed as a COVID-19 virus.

    1. I’m sure that will be a big seller this year

    2. I’m going as a scary asymptomatic carrier.

  9. Good riddance. Pagan holidays where mobs of kids go door to door asking for handouts and threatening property damage if you don’t comply only train another generation of Marxists.

    1. And it gets too damn exhausting shouting at them to get off my lawn all evening!

      1. My lawn has a tilt option so they slide back to the street as I shake my fist at them.

        1. Genius. But then do you have to shackle your orphans to a stake to prevent losing them? Or is your monocle workshop completely underground?

          1. Any good libertarian monocle factory owner has instilled such a deep level of Stockholm Syndrome into their orphans that they simply walk back to their workstations and keep working whenever the tilt throws them into the street.

            The optics of having them chained up all the time doesn’t go over well, and they need the exercise anyways.

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      2. i’m dressing as jerry garcia and handing out “special” kool-aid. take one and find a comfy bean bag kids

  10. The CDC already issued the guidelines:
    stay at home
    stay six feet away from everyone else at home
    wear a “cloth face covering” while you stay six feet away from everyone
    get a rushed vaccine as soon as it is “approved”; don’t wait until it is actually “proved”.
    Now, go have your halloween.

    But remember, if you come within six feet of anyone, it is a biological assault and you will be shot.
    (in a mostly peaceful manner)

  11. Nobody knows they are spreading covid when they have it because they likely won’t be symptomatic yet and CDC estimates up to 40% of people infected show no symptoms. So here’s my guidance: Keep your kids and your selfish attitudes at home. Halloween is merely a hallmark holiday now anyway.

    1. It would be easier if you just stay in your basement.

      1. Hey he/she could dress up as Scoldilocks hiding from the three bears!

        1. There is a new vein of trolls around here lately; I say don’t feed the fucks and watch them shrivel like last nights passion in the cold light of morning.

    2. Please, never come out of your house again…and keep your mask on…forever

    3. How bout: No. and fuck you, fascist.

  12. if they think I’m not putting out decorations and giving out candy they can choke on it.

    1. My youngest will be 18mo and oldest is 12yr old. It’s the first time the younger is trick or treating and possibly the last time for the older (aside from taking her sister.) I’ll be damned if anyone tries taking that from me or my children

  13. Everyone knows halloween is cultural appropriation anyways. Anyone who is not Irish, and celebrates Halloween anyways should at the very least be expelled from their school, be fired, and never be allowed to get an education or have a job above minimum wage

    1. The Irish are willing to allow others to celebrate the holiday in exchange for lots of alcohol.

      1. i know i’m willing…because i am inclusive. regrettably, i also trigger a lot and am not at all diverse so it’s a trade off. no warm beer please

    2. do you guys know the difference between martin luther king day and saint paddy’s day?

      on saint patrick’s day everyone wants to be…

  14. they can choke on it

    You are handing out candy dressed as a Minneapolis police officer? Now, that is a bold costume choice.

    1. ja poor choice of words lol

  15. If Halloween was cancelled forever, I wouldn’t mind.

    1. But you’re a miserable fuck any way. Halloween or no Halloween isn’t going to change that.

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  17. If I go as a BLM protester, I don’t have to wear a mask or distance, right?

    1. murdering political opponents in streets recently approved as well. shoot the maga-costumed

    2. Ha ha ha ha! You’re dead wrong, damikesc!. Or, are you just being snarky? If you’re just being snarky, it’s not a funny joke, in the least.

      1. yes it is funny! and it is ironic and bittersweet. so how about you spare us your sanctimonious piety. I’LL FUCKING SAY IT…BLM has been co-opted and is no longer legitimate. they are a bilking bunch of skimming marketers like wounded warriors or susan komen…their mission was commandeered and is ow a cash cow for the clever folks that rely on those who like to read their news on twitter and facebook

  18. I feel their pain; here in Michigan we have The Gretch Who Stold Summer; seriously, the whole fucking season.

  19. Parents ruined Halloween years ago….walking around drunk, dressed up like kids in costumes…so glad I came of age in late 70’s.

    1. I was a child in the 70s, teenager in the 80s, young single person in the 90s. I feel bad for kidz these days.

  20. Irony is when the government throws a bunch of dictates at its subjects so they don’t die of a deadly virus, and at the same time sucks all the fun out of the room so that life rapidly becomes not worth living.

  21. Why not? They always manage to ruin everything else in this country as if it was SOP.

  22. Everyone dress up as Jason with the hockey mask. /s

  23. government? no thanks, i do not wish to be governed, but thanks for asking. make a note too…and don’t ask again

  24. Driving from house to house? Far too dangerous, anyone could live there! The new safe approach? Trunk or Treat! Suitably vetted people get together in a parking lot, and the kids get to go from car to car. Ye gods, I wish I were making this up.

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