Television

Batwoman and Nancy Drew Get Their Gritty TV Reboots

Fall network premiere rollouts end with a weak burst of remakes.

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  • Batwoman. The CW. Sunday, October 6, 8 p.m.
  • Kids Say the Darndest Things. Sunday, October 6, 8 p.m.
  • Nancy Drew. Wednesday, October 9, 9 p.m.

That croaking sound you hear from your television set is the death rattle of the rollout of television's fall season, dragging itself to the finish line with some of the worst Nielsen numbers since the primordial TV days of shows about crime-busting postal inspectors.

In fact, the final bloc of TV premieres are remakes or rehashes or re-inflictions of shows from those ancient times, all rooted in the 1950s or even earlier. Worse yet, their histories are a lot more interesting than any of the shows.

The teenage-detective hero of The CW's Nancy Drew, for instance, since 1930 has been the star of something close to 200 novels, six TV shows (not all of which made it to air) and five movies. And that's not even counting three versions of Veronica Mars, who was essentially an underclass clone of Nancy.

That's an impressive record given all the opposition to Nancy over the years. Teachers hated her—when a girl in my fourth-grade classroom made the mistake of mentioning a Nancy novel, the instructor erupted into an unhinged tirade about how the books were trash and no decent parent would allow a kid to read one—and librarians generally refused to stock her.

This despite (or maybe it was because of?) the fact that Nancy was unquestionably the coolest girl around. She was much more interested in solving crimes than boys or clothes. She raced around town in a sporty little roadster, fearlessly barged into haunted houses and deserted warehouses and lairs of killer robots.

She sounded much more fun to hang out with than her dorky literary cousins, the Hardy Boys, and that was even before we knew she looked like Pamela Sue Martin.

Newcomer Kennedy McMahon, who plays the title role in The CW's new version of Nancy Drew, certainly passes the cuteness test. But her Nancy falls short in every other respect. Just as it did in its sullen Archie adaptation Riverdale,  the network has squeezed all the light-heartedness and charm out of its characters in favor of morose despondency and leaden bitchery.

This Nancy is no longer a high-school kid but a kid embittered by the death of her mother, which messed up her SAT scores and left her as a greasy-spoon waitress. Even the curiosity that led to her detective agencies is extinguished. "I don't go searching in the dark anymore, not after the darkness found me," she declares in her endlessly self-important narration. She changes her mind only when she becomes a murder suspect herself.

Nancy's amiable lawyer dad Carson (Scott Wolf, The Night Shift) has turned into a predatory sleaze, and she hates him. Her boyfriend Ned Nickerson (Shakespearian actor Tunji Kasim) now calls himself "Nick" and has turned into an ex-con. She hates him. Her tomboy best friend George (Leah Lewis, Charmed) has unaccountably not turned into a lesbian but Nancy's irascible boss.  Nancy hates her, and vice-versa. If the lesson of previous Nancy Drews was that girls have the capacity to be much more than mommies and wives, this time around it seems to be that they have the capacity for boundless bile and endless animus.

Batwoman, on the other hand, has an impressive capacity for irony, if you know the backstory. The Batwoman character was born in 1956 after the publication of a scathing attack on the comic-book industry called Seduction of the Innocent,  which claimed, among other things, that Batman and Robin were ticking gay time bombs that would destroy American youth.

DC Comics quickly came up with a love interest for Batman who was neither male nor underage: Batwoman, a former circus performer whose purse was full of what looked like feminine appurtinences like lipstick and charm bracelets but were actually lethal Bat-style weapons. She lasted until 1964, when DC decided her guy was past his homosexual panic and unceremoniously killed her off.

The irony here is that The CW's revived Batwoman is a lesbian toughie named Kate Kane who got kicked out of a military academy after she was caught kissing her girlfriend. She's bitter about not just that, but also that her security-consultant father submarined her plans to join a fascist paramilitary unit that's been protecting Gotham since Batman disappeared for unexplained reasons three years ago.

(We'll pause for a moment while you try to unpack the politics of that last paragraph.)

The brooding Kate decides to stop by and see her simpatico cousin, Bruce Wayne. But he's disappeared (also three years ago, just like Batman, though nobody in Gotham City seems to have noticed the coincidental timing). While looking around his stately manor, though, Kate discovers this giant cave underneath it! Filled with Batman suits! And wow, is that lucky, because a saucy new supervillain named Alice (as in Wonderland) has just showed up to seize control of Gotham City.

There are a lot of cross-marriages among the families of these characters that would doubtless create a lot of intra-linear dramatic tensions if you could ever figure out who everybody is, but Batwoman's teeming writers' room (there are 13 writing credits in the first two episodes) is spectacularly inept at exposition. Or practically anything else; everything in Batwoman—the plots, the dialogue, the characterizations—is very comic-booky, in the worst sense of the term.

That's too bad for Ruby Rose (Orange Is the New Black), who plays Kane and deserves better. Unlike the affectations of everybody in Nancy Drew, the fractures in Kane's soul crackle with the authentic pain of personal betrayal. She puts on her Batwoman costume not so much because she wants to save anybody, but to prove to the city that it did her wrong. Alas, so did the executive producers.

If the revival of the hetero-norming Batwoman character as broadcast TV's first gay superhero protagonist seems odd, ABC's revival of Kids Say the Darndest Things is utterly inexplicable. The show goes all the way back to the days of radio, where it was a brief interlude on Art Linkletter's talk-variety show House Party. When Linkletter moved to TV in 1949, so did the kids, where they stayed until his retirement in 1967.

As a five-minute segment in which Linkletter questioned suburban 7-year-olds who seemed scarcely aware of where they were or why, Kids was often quite funny. (Linkletter: "What does your mommy do?" Kid: "She does a little housework, then sits around all day reading the racing form.") And when it wasn't, well, five minutes is mercifully brief.

ABC's version, though, is a full squirmy hour, with kids who've been studying YouTube since before they were weaned. Producer-host Tiffany Haddish (Girls Trip) tries hard, but these children brim with a smarmy precocity that makes me long for a TV version of another candid-kiddie work, National Lampoon's old "Children's Letters To The Gestapo."

NEXT: Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle Will Receive $50,000 to Speak at the University of Florida

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  1. DC Comics quickly came up with a love interest for Batman who was neither male nor underage: Batwoman, a former circus performer whose purse was full of what looked like feminine appurtinences like lipstick and charm bracelets but were actually lethal Bat-style weapons. She lasted until 1964, when DC decided her guy was past his homosexual panic and unceremoniously killed her off.

    So even in 1956, the creation of Batwoman was done not out of creative inspiration, but a response to culture scolds demanding representative box-ticking.

    Oh, I’ve heard from sources more familiar with the source material than I that the Batwoman show blows chunks.

    1. Oh, I’ve heard from sources more familiar with the source material than I that the Batwoman show blows chunks

      Casting Ruby Rose, the current embodiment in Hollywood of “FUCK YOU, DADDY” faux-edginess, certainly didn’t help.

      1. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) I know nothing of the actress. She seems like an attractive, strong, independent woman. Which is exactly what you want for representative box-ticking.

      2. Agreed. Rose is a spectacularly talentless meat-on-a-stick draped in a rainbow flag. Saw her in The Meg and decided the movie would not have noticed if she was in it or not.

        1. Eh, she’s good enough at fight scenes with anything even approaching halfway decent fight choreography. So if the show weren’t mired in idiocy and had decent choreographers, she would have been able to do the job well enough. It is after all a CW show. However since the fight choreographers suck and the show is the current cultural idiocy given tangible form the show is horrible.

  2. While looking around his stately manor, though, Kate discovers this giant cave underneath it! Filled with Batman suits!

    Batman, able to keep the secrets of the batcave hidden from the entire world for yeeeearrrss, and she ‘stumbles across it’ in like 5 minutes of poking around. I saw that scene and it cracked me up.

    1. Clearly, there was never a strong, independent woman poking around the house (or dusting/vacuuming).

  3. Gritty Nancy Drew? Methinks someone is not familiar with the source material.

  4. RIP in peace Diana Carroll, the first Black woman on T.V. to help other people.
    To head off confusion, she was not related to Carol O’Connor.

  5. It must be getting rather boring to be an actress nowadays. The only story line Hollywood script writers seem to have for female protagonists is “I’m very fucking angry at some man”.

    1. At least, from what I hear about Hollywood men, they’ll be able to find inspiration for doing their part.

    2. Eddy beat me to it… have you read about the men in Hollywood? And yet all we hear about is “the dark side of suburbia”.

    3. Hollywood has a special compound for it’s writers. A concentration camp of sorts to ensure they are never exposed to reality. The compound was modeled after The Truman Show.

  6. Batwoman? dudes no.

    there is Batgirl and there is nothing else.

  7. How about my idea that Nancy Drew and the Hardy boys team up to form…

    The Nancy Boys!

    1. I would binge watch that series… put it in my queue right after Queer Eye.

      1. All dressed in matching chartreuse loafers while solving crimes!

    2. always shoulda been a threesome anyway

  8. It’s Batma’am! B A T M A ‘ A M!

    1. “Because I’m Batma’am!”

  9. “The irony here is that The CW’s revived Batwoman is a lesbian toughie named Kate Kane”
    Try to do more research the next time. You pegged the first appearance of a character called Batwoman, but missed entirely the later appearances. No irony at all here. The latest version is exactly as described above.

  10. No one wanted to see Batwoman portrayed as a third wave lesbian feminist… glad to know that the CW is still pushing out garbage!

    1. It really is disappointing that these DC shows on CW follow the same lame format. I liked Arrow initially, but it turned into the same lame drama all of these have become. Maybe they were always meant to build a female fanbase for superheroes. For me, they ruin the characters with bad dialogue and plot lines

  11. Go ahead, chuckle. But back when federal troops watched unreconstructed southern elections with fixed bayonets, postal inspectors made damn sure no race-suicide condoms, diaphragms, rhythm method calendars or tit mags sullied the minds of America’s fair and youthful. Such “misdemeanors” were good for ten years on a chain gang during and after the Panic of 1873, plus a fine worth 14 pounds of gold–which today would fetch $295,000. Comstock laws and Postal Inspectors were what America was all about even after television was invented.

  12. That’s too bad for Ruby Rose (Orange Is the New Black), who plays Kane and deserves better. Unlike the affectations of everybody in Nancy Drew, the fractures in Kane’s soul crackle with the authentic pain of personal betrayal. She puts on her Batwoman costume not so much because she wants to save anybody, but to prove to the city that it did her wrong. Alas, so did the executive producers.

    I want to know what you’re smoking Glenn, so I can avoid it.

    What I saw in the trailers was a bunch of modern SJW ‘build your female characters up by destroying all the men around them’ stuff and the lead character is, I’m certain, James Charles, and looks about as capable of being a kick-arse.

    FFS, Keira Knightley – at 17 – would have been more believable in the role. Anyone seen ‘Domino’?

  13. Nancy Drew and the Mystery of How to Milk a Franchise Until its Udders are Empty.

  14. She sounded much more fun to hang out with than her dorky literary cousins, the Hardy Boys

    The Hardy Boys deserve more sympathy than that, they probably passed away before Nancy from some neurodegenerative disease due to being knocked unconscious in every single book.

    1. They survived, but sadly their neurological disorders impaired their higher cognitive functions so much that their dad had to pull some strings and put them in Congress.

      1. Or maybe that’s the Kennedys.

  15. “The girls want to hang out at Bootlegger Bob’s, but as for me, I’m going to solve this mystery. And wasn’t I carrying a pocket watch just now?”

    https://eightladieswriting.files.wordpress.com/2015/05/nancydrewcover.jpg

  16. Wow, check out Yvonne “Batgirl” Craig. She was a ballerina and was in Mars Needs Women.

  17. Wow, just from your description of this Nancy Drew for TV, it reads like I’d love it! Maybe heavy-handed, but it’d seem to suit my sensibility, and I was never a fan of the originals. In fact, the slightest nod to the originals just to trash them would be enough, i.e. intimating that she was different as a child, which of course everyone is.

  18. Has anyone seen the trailer for Clint Eastwood’s new movie, “Jewel”?

    It looks… like it is going to be a masterpiece.

    When I heard he was releasing a movie about Richard Jewel I was confused… how can you make that into a movie? Then I saw the trailer.

    This might prove to be a Libertarian touchstone.

  19. I would only watch it if it were Batwoman vs Wonder Woman and gal gadot as WW. They would fight but turn out to be friends in the end. Then… I’ll stop there.

  20. It does seem ironic that the Batwoman character, originally introduced to remove suggestions of Batman’s homosexuality, should wind up being gay herself. But it’s not the TV producers who made her so. Batwoman has been an out lesbian in the comics for a number of years, I think since the character was reintroduced.

  21. I’m not sure where you grew up that teachers and librarians hated Nancy Drew; my experience was the exact opposite, with them pushing the female sleuth as a viable alternative to the Hardy boys. #fakenews

    1. Yeah, that was my experience as well. We had full sets of both on the shelf in our 1st grade classroom, as well as the library.

      But I liked Encyclopedia Brown. He was the true subversive.

  22. Does prepubescent Justin Beiber really count as a woman?

  23. The irony here is that The CW’s revived Batwoman is a lesbian toughie named Kate Kane who got kicked out of a military academy after she was caught kissing her girlfriend. She’s bitter about not just that, but also that her security-consultant father submarined her plans to join a fascist paramilitary unit that’s been protecting Gotham since Batman disappeared for unexplained reasons three years ago.

    She is a woke, cringe-inducing feminazi who is anything but heroic.

  24. I’m watching Money Heist and Let me tell you, Netflix has done a fabulous job. The best series I’ve watched in recent times. You can watch more of such series legally on: https://watchseriesonline.live/

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