Webathon

Donate to Reason, Because Charlton Heston Says So! (No Really, There's Video)

Don't mess with Moses.

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As my mom said, when sending me to bed when there was still 45 minutes left of The Ten Commandments back on network television,

Welcome to day three of Reason's annual webathon, in which we invite you, cherished readers and viewers and listeners, to help make our journalism and commentary possible through your tax-deductible donation of monetary instruments. Nick Gillespie and Katherine Mangu-Ward have explained giving levels and broad reasons for the Reason-season; I am here to remind you in a more, I dunno, commandmenty way to:

DONATE TO REASON RIGHT THE HELL NOW! Pretty please?

So, the first time Charlton Heston graced our pages during this past glorious half-century was in the July 1973 issue, in which reviewer Charles F. Barr said of Soylent Green (of course it was Soylent Green!), "The movie's entire premise is tailor-made to appeal to the already-considerable paranoia of the environmentalist movement." Then in quick succession come five more reviews of movies that can alternately be read as a shorthand description of how my childhood went wrong—The Three Musketeers, Airport 1975, Earthquake, Midway, Two-Minute Warning.

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Reason

After a decent interval, Moses was back, treated to a feature-length magazine interview by none other than localist iconoclast Bill Kauffman, then still in his 20s. It is a weird and wonderful document, veering from libertarian catechism ("There's no question that one of the most pernicious effects of modern society is the seeming impossibility of reversing the tendency of government to get bigger") to Malthusian dystopia ("In what I think is the most serious problem the world faces, which is the population explosion, we will come I think to a time when measures that are not even dreamt of now will become necessary") to just plain #facts ("The physical mechanics of sex are pretty funny unless you are engaged in them. Then they are, of course, marvelous"). BUT DON'T GO DOWN THAT RABBIT HOLE JUST YET. (There will be time for that, after the jump.)

Instead, I present you, from the different planet that was the early 1990s, Charlton freaking Heston telling you, the 2018 Reason consumer, why you should donate to our webathon right the hell now:

There are so many questions…about music choice, about trains, about precocious Virginia Postrel. But NO TIME. Because I'm here not just to celebrate this beautiful found Reason art from a quarter-century ago, but to also celebrate how far we've come with the audio-visual form since then. As demonstrated through the lens of Reason TV's award-winning TV/movie parody videos.

First up, Groundhog Day: 2018, by Austin Bragg, Meredith Bragg & Andrew Heaton:

From the same team, here's a spoof, not of a specific piece of art, but of a meme, in the form of "Libertarian Dad Jokes":

I know what you're thinking: Did they ever bring the Heston? Child, do you even know Nick Gillespie?

In sum, thank you for making this all possible, by donating right the hell now! And after the jump, enjoy more content from that bananas Heston-Kauffman klatsch.

Let's start with some out-of-context quotes:

[Martin Luther King] was not a saint. He was a man, even like Moses was a man.

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I don't think rock music has any positive function, but—the First Amendment does not really say that you can say and print anything you want.

***

Actors, after all, began as itinerant vagabonds wandering from village to village, when most people never moved more than five or ten miles from the place they were born. And actors wandered around sleeping in stables, gulling the locals with the old three-walnut-shells-and-a-pea gag and doing somersaults and walking on their hands and then sleeping in the stable—if possible, with one of the local girls.

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Winston Churchill was an extraordinary actor. So is Castro. So was De Gaulle. Roosevelt. Jack Kennedy. Even to the extent of readily identifiable props and wardrobe. Castro hasn't been in the Sierra Maestra for 25 years, but he still goes around in combat fatigues—and so he should.

And let's close on a classic WTF exchange:

Reason: The question of whether or not the state should proscribe certain forms of nonaggressive behavior—say, alternative lifestyles or smoking marijuana.

Heston: I think narcotics and, for that matter, alcohol, and even tobacco are enormously costly ingredients in our society.

Reason: But should the government…

Heston: That's what I'm stepping up to. The government not only has the right but the responsibility to take whatever draconian measures are necessary. Abraham Lincoln suspended the right of habeas corpus in the Civil War. Roosevelt spotted German submarines for the British Navy when we were at peace with Germany, and gave 'em 50 destroyers. In what I think is the most serious problem the world faces, which is the population explosion, we will come I think to a time when measures that are not even dreamt of now will become necessary.

Reason: Mandatory abortion?

Heston: Well, I find that difficult too, because I'm opposed to abortion. Even worse than that, we may have to close our borders, literally close them by martial law, and undertake God knows what horrendous—I made a movie about it once called Soylent Green. That is my principal political statement in filmmaking. But we may come to that with drugs or the AIDS epidemic.

Whoa! Thanks for reading all the way to the end! Now, DONATE TO REASON RIGHT THE HELL NOW!

NEXT: Immigration Won't Spark a Civil War

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  1. I’ll give you a donation when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!

  2. LET MY ‘WE THE PEOPLE’ GO.

  3. *Our protagonist sees another Shikia Immigration Article*

    “YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! AH, DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!! “

  4. I have to give props for the dad jokes.

    “How do you disappoint a libertarian with only one leppo?”
    “What’s aleppo?”
    “Exactly”.

    However the groundhog day video, while a great mechanic, was so oblivious to Reason’s own daily ritual of calling Trump a racist while obsessing over his latest tweet, that it was more uncomfortable to watch than the dad jokes.

    Seriously, if Reason stopped trying to feed into that ridiculous news cycle, they’d be worthy of the “We’re different” moniker they are trying to fund this donation cycle.

  5. I’ll give ten American dollars to be named Grand and Exalted Editor and Supreme Expositor.

    1. Eh, they’ve certainly got an Assistant Editor position for you.

  6. When Reason.com starts publishing Libertarian news, philosophy and ideas and stop promoting Progressive / Marxist nonsense (talking about you Shitka), I will donate my cash. Otherwise, no.

  7. Frank Thorn: You tell everybody…listen to me…you’ve got to tell them…SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!! We’ve got to stop them…somehow!”

    Republican Congress: (Shrugs; votes to keep funding Soylent Green supplier with citizens’ money.)

    1. “Republican Congress: (Shrugs; votes to keep funding Soylent Green supplier with citizens’ money.)”

      Democrats in Congress: Complain bitterly that children are going hungry every night because mean spirited and racist Republican’s won’t vote to increase funding for Soylent Green.

    2. Minarchist/Conservative/Utilitarian Libertarian: I’m going to have to see some people forcibly executed and turned into food against their will before we rework New York’s entire agro-industrial system over the word of a crooked cop.

      Consequentialist/Objectivist/AnCap Libertarian: At the point where you’re grinding people into food, shouting “Stop grinding people into food!” is not the solution to any of your real problems.

      Civil Libertarian: As long as Americans are only allowed to eat locally sourced soylent green while the rest of the world is free to consume soylent green as they please, and bigots aren’t allowed to refuse eating soylent green that’s made of gay people, I don’t see a problem.

      1. Alright that was pretty fucking funny.

  8. I do not think the idea of a dad joke counts as a “meme.” That is stretching the definition a bit.

  9. Get yer hands out of my wallet, you damned, dirty apes!

  10. Obama (wielding pen and phone): So let it be written…so let it be done.

    Charlton Heston: You know I never actually said that, ri–

    Diego: Fuck you. Dead-ass motherfucker.

    1. Wasn’t that Yul Brenner?

  11. Reason’s coverage has gotten worse since Trump’s election. They used to provide an intelligent counter point to both sides of the larger media outlets. That level of good articles has dropped off. Dalmia and Suderman’s articles are often very bad. Suderman’s arguments aren’t even Libertarian to any significant degree and Dalmia’s articles read generally just a repetitive rephrasing of the Open Borders doctrine.

    I still enjoy a lot of what else is written, so I’m conflicted about whether to donate or not.

    1. While Reason has engaged in some prog salad tossing since Trump took office, they have not gone full batshit crazy like some of the more “respected” outlets. C’mon, if they didn’t at least do some kissing-up to the TDS crowd, Matt et al would not get invited to anymore hip cocktail parties, and how sad would that be? I donated, as I have for the past few years.

      1. That article about Star Trek and Trump was batshit crazy.

  12. Reason Foundation is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization supported by donations and sale of its publications.[16] Its largest donors are the David H. Koch Charitable Foundation ($1,522,212) and the Sarah Scaife Foundation ($2,016,000), according to disclosures.[17] Other major donors are Donors Trust and Donors Capitol Fund, which in turn do not reveal their donors.[18] The Reason Foundation is part of the libertarian Atlas Network,[18][19], the State Policy Network and ALEC.[18]

    Are you sure you guys are Libertarian?

    That’s quite a bandwagon of conservatives.

    1. Every time I listen to NPR and am reminded of how much funding they get from the Koch Fundations, which makes me conclude that NPR is run by a bunch of conservatives. Sure they seem like a bunch of progressives, but they’re funded by the conservative Kochtupus, which means they’re really conservatives.

      1. Other NPR donors include such prog darlings as ExxonMobil, Pfizer, and Purdue Pharma (responsible for current opioid epidemic).

        The Kochspiracy always cracks me up-it’s like progtards MUST find a bogeyman to explain why they aren’t very successful in creating their socialist utopia

        1. Every superhero (in their eyes) requires a supervillain.

    2. Are you sure you guys are Libertarian?

      That’s quite a bandwagon of conservatives.

      Except the Kochs and Scaife Foundation don’t do any of the writing. Could you point to the decidedly conservative writers/contributors? You’ve got a good case with Tuccille, after that, the pickings get pretty slim.

      Given the amount of editing that seems to go on proportional to the number of editors, it seems like the investors control content with an exceedingly light touch.

    3. I bet Apedad has no problem with all the billions that Bloomberg and George Soros give to causes he approves of

  13. Moses on a Reason website?
    Does the ACLU know about this?

  14. Andrew Heaton doesn’t even work at Reason anymore. You let one of the best things you had going for you (as evidenced by this page), go to Glenn Beck’s network.

    That’s just sad.

  15. I’m thinking Shikha didn’t work at Reason back then.

  16. It’s been 45 years since I reviewed Soylent Green for Reason magazine, and I’m happy to see that all the big corporations are now model citizens and the environmentalist movement has vanished.

  17. While Reason has engaged in some prog salad tossing since Trump took office, they have not gone full batshit crazy like some of the more “respected” outlets. C’mon, if they didn’t at least do some kissing-up to the TDS crowd, Matt et al would not get invited to anymore hip cocktail parties, and how sad would that be? I donated, as I have for the past few years.www.Mesalary.com

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