Brickbats

Brickbat: The Walking Dead

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Dead
Nomadsoul1 / Dreamstime.com

A Romanian court has told Constantin Reliu he is dead and there's nothing he can do about it. Reliu left the country to work in Turkey in 1992. After not hearing from him for years, his wife had him declared dead. Turkey deported him last year. When he got back to Romania, he found he was officially dead. The court said that decision can't be overturned.

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  1. More like… Countstantin Reliu.

  2. “there’s nothing he can do about it”

    He can sell the movie rights to his life.

    1. And get sued by the Stoker estate? Pass.

    2. Hook up with a necrophiliac.

      1. Are there even female necrophiliacs? I imagine that is probably the single most male-skewed psychopathology in existence.

        1. Maybe some chick is into dead dudes because they’re good listeners; that’s the only way I can imagine it.

        2. Rigor mortis makes the dick hard. That is why this blasphemous necrophilia love poem (Warning: not safe for work) is more believable than this picture.

        3. Are there even female necrophiliacs? I imagine that is probably the single most male-skewed psychopathology in existence.

          Here let me fix the skew: Does a disembodied rubber penis count as a living thing?

          1. Nah, but that doesn’t make it dead either. It can also be “non-living” in that it is was never alive.

            The classification gets a bit weird when you try to count life by-products (like sap/latex), but generally speaking the “further” something is from it’s “living” form, the less likely folks are to consider it “dead” as opposed to “non-living”.

            That said, if you want to count dildos as necrophilia, what does that make fleshjacks and other male masturbation aids? Pretty sure that men would still beat women out.

          2. Was it made from a cast of a person who has since died?

  3. Of course they cannot overturn it, the way you cure being undead in Romania is a stake through the heart,

    1. “Like, triggered.”

      -Lamia, Ghoul, Bloodsucker and Transfusionist association of Romania

  4. Do you know how much I’d pay to be in that situation?

    “I have no income and because I am listed dead, I can’t do anything.”

    Become an uncommonly wealthy gangster?

    1. What makes you think being dead absolves you of taxes?

  5. Death and taxes. And if i’m officially the former, I won’t be doing any of the latter.

    1. He is become Death, dismayer of auditors.

      1. It would be darkly amusing if the state permitted him to legally earn money while dead, but consequently confiscated his income at estate tax rates.

  6. First, the obvious comment: Turkey deported an undocumented immigrant. OM- it must be the most racist country on the planet.

    Seriously though, Jewish law requires the examination of a corpse before declaring someone dead to prevent issues like this. Erring on the side of “not dead” creates it’s own set of problems. When terrorists hold on to an Israeli corpse, it makes it very difficult for the spouse(s) and other family members to move on. If you neglect to email your spouse long enough for that spouse to think you are dead, don’t start whining if he hooks up with a random Dominican guy that he met in Paterson. I mean seriously, a bitch has needs. You can’t give a bitch the silent treatment and them moan that she isn’t faithful to you. And come on, what type of marriage is a secret internet marriage anyway. Yeah, I know that it is tough being gay in Romania, but it’s unfair for you to expect me to be your secret wife forever!

    1. Ah, you know I never thought about why Israelis spend so much effort getting their corpses back, even swapping living terrorists. This despite the fact that I knew there are whole volunteer corps–usually haredi (often the most staunchly anti-Zionist at that), their stomachs strengthened into steel by their faith–dedicated to collecting Jewish bodies–including back in the day picking up every tiny piece that would regularly get blown up.

      It of course just encourages the bodynappers, since it becomes wider and wider known how much Jews will do to get bodies back. But religious faith is religious faith. There’s only so much you can bend before you break, as Tevye so wisely put it.

      I imagine this “declaring dead” conservatism adversely affects women much more than men, since polygyny is possible in Judaism but only discouraged and at present severely restricted by rabbinical policy, and a missing wife sounds like just the sort of exception that is regularly granted.

  7. Well that didn’t escalate quickly.

    “The suspected serial bomber who killed two people and terrorized Austin, Texas, for three harrowing weeks was killed in a dramatic confrontation with police overnight Wednesday, authorities said.”

  8. Government is infallible. It does not make mistakes. If he was declared dead than that means he’s dead. Even if he’s not.

  9. This story reminds me of the opening part of Old Man’s War. And it makes me wonder: If he’s dead, it wouldn’t be murder to kill him, right? But it might fall under desecration of a corpse…

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