Make America Not So Nauseating

Ban all the things.

'It's frankly disgusting the way the press is able to write whatever they want to write," said President Trump on Wednesday, "and people should look into it."

Amen, brother! It's downright abominable that people in the media can just spout off the first thing that comes into their heads with no concern for veracity or the potential for harm. What do they think this is, a personal Twitter account?

The president also is repulsed by those jerks in the National Football League who have different opinions than he does about certain issues, and who show it by not standing up for the national anthem the way they have been required to do since way back in 2009.

Trump deserves to have epic songs sung about him for demanding investigations into reporters and for suggesting that people he considers less patriotic than him should be fired. They say it's a free country and all that, but come on. You have to draw the line somewhere.

The president shouldn't stop there, though. Many other things are not just frankly disgusting, but honestly nauseating, and Trump should use his bully pulpit to draw more attention to them, too. And not just women's suffrage or this business about the "right" to a fair trial, either.

For example:

While we're on the topic of football, it's genuinely revolting when televised games that last beyond the usual 37.5 hours are allowed to run over, pre-empting programs that are not just endless committee meetings interrupted by brief spurts of big men pushing each other and are, therefore, actually entertaining to watch. Somebody ought to ask why that's allowed.

In all sincerity, it's totally putrescent when you let someone merge into traffic ahead of you and they don't give you the thank-you wave. Why don't these so-called "journalists" write a story about that, is what I'd like to know.

It's truly appalling that hot dogs come in packages of 10, but hot dog buns come in packages of eight. Somebody needs to go to jail for that, and it ain't gonna be me.

Candidly, the Honda CRV is so ugly it makes you want to retch, but the darn thing is everywhere. Who's going to fix that? You?

Truthfully, when I see someone wearing brown shoes with a blue suit I throw up so hard and so long the muscles around my stomach start to cramp, and I can't breathe, and I stomp my foot on the floor for no discernible reason, it just kind of happens. Why isn't the Senate Intel Committee looking into this? Bob Corker and, um, something about IQ tests or something—that's why.

Yea verily, people have started using "to include" in place of "including" (as in, "Applicants should have working knowledge of computer operating systems, to include Windows and Linux")—as if we were living in some kind of hippie commune where you could just swap infinitives and participles willy-nilly any time you wished. Do you know how gross that is? Imagine eating a large plate of cow's eyes and fish guts and washing them down with the smelly juice that collects at the bottom of a Dumpster after a light rain. That's how gross it is. Why doesn't the Fake News Network investigate THAT?

To state it plainly, it's ghastly beyond words the way some people put so many bumper-stickers on their cars, especially the ones with many words in small print that you can't read anyway unless you're, like, two inches behind them. Congress needs to set a limit of three bumper-stickers per vehicle, or the terrorists have already won.

Honestly, what is up with can openers these days? Half the time they hardly even work, leaving these big uncut spaces at odd intervals so you can't get the stuff out of the can, so you stick a spoon under the top to pry it open some, but that just bends the can into odd shapes, which is the greatest crime against humanity ever, believe me. Whoever let that happen should be stood up against a wall and shot. I thought this was America, doggone it.

This column originally appeared in the Richmond Times-Dispatch.