Free-Range Kids

Halloween Parade Will No Longer Toss Candy to Children Because What If Someone Gets Hurt?

Let them eat candy.

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Budyanskaya1979
Candy

In Chester County, Pennsylvania, kids will no longer get the chance to scramble for candy tossed from floats at the annual Halloween parade because suddenly the local tradition is too dangerous.

According to The Daily Local News, Parks & Rec director Keith Kurowski "was fearful that one of about 25 parade floats might injure an unattended child, or a marching band member with a flag or mock rifle might mistakenly strike a youngster."

Yes, those marching bands are vicious. You see a majorette with a flag? Run! There's nothing they like better than to "mistakenly" (wink wink) strike a youngster. Happens all the time. Then the euphonium plays really loud, so you can't hear the screams.

American parade routes are littered with small, candy-clutching collateral damage.

And so, the paper reports:

In the past, participants in the annual Halloween Parade threw candy goodies to children along the route.

This year, the borough will instead set up four distribution stations where candy will be handed out.

"Candy is still going to be distributed on Halloween and for public safety reasons and the safety of our children it will be distributed differently," Mayor Jordan Norley said. "Nonetheless, our children are going to have more sweets than they can eat."

But is it possible the mayor got it exactly backwards? He thinks the goal is excess amounts of candy. But it's likely that the real goal is fun. And scrambling for the stuff is fun.

Kurowski says that children have been getting "overly aggressive getting to the freebies." But from now on, he added:

"They won't have to struggle with other children who are trying to get the same thing," Kurowski said. "We prefer to be proactive rather than reactive."

Kurowski said that typically 1,000 to 1,200 community members directly participate in the parade which is viewed by up to 5,000.

If that is not the definition of a small town holiday parade, I'll eat my bite-size Three Musketeers (and yours). And yet, nothing is safe enough today, not even a wholesome parade with mock rifles. Let them eat candy.

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  1. What a bunch of assholes.

  2. According to The Daily Local News, Parks & Rec director Keith Kurowski “was fearful that one of about 25 parade floats might injure an unattended child, or a marching band member with a flag or mock rifle might mistakenly strike a youngster.”

    Someone just saw Animal House for the first time.

    1. marching band member with a flag or mock rifle might mistakenly strike a youngster

      Whom should they be striking?

      1. All is well that ends in a well.

        1. I’ve told you, references to your love life always end up being super depressing.

  3. Halloween is a distraction from test prep and career readiness activities. This town isn’t going far enough!

  4. All of our local parades put an end to this a few years back for the same excuses. “Some kid might get hurt!” It was a sad time for the kids, and for the adults who enjoyed tossing candy to them.

    We should be focusing on tort reform because the fear of a lawsuit isn’t completely without basis.

    1. Is it still allowed to throw candy at the people on the floats?

  5. Kurowski says that children have been getting “overly aggressive getting to the freebies.”

    Is this an article about government contractors?

  6. Then the euphonium plays really loud, so you can’t hear the screams.

    The euphonium is not typically used by marching bands, they play the baritone. Just like a tuba isn’t played by a marching band, the sousaphone is.

    Sheesh, the level of reporting now days…

    1. The sousaphone is totally beta. Real men march with tubas.

    2. My cousin plays tuba in marching band but it’s slightly smaller and called a contra

      1. You are Nicaraguan?

        1. Well, is it an iron contra?

          1. I was thinking more the Konami code

  7. Report to Juvenile Confectionary Distribution Center 3 for your yearly chocolate ration, little comrades.

    1. Beautiful. Also, ugh because that’s the future.

    2. Exactly. A mad scramble for candy not only can lead to serious injuries, but some children with less developed candy scrambling abilities might feel bad when they compare themselves to their candy grubbing peers. We need the local government to give each child a candy ration coupon so he or she can pick up an equal candy portion in a safe and controlled environment.

  8. “Nonetheless, our children are going to have more sweets than they can eat.”

    The parade organizers *really* hate kids.

  9. Libertarians sure are entertaining. I thought Libertarians were interested in freedom, but really they’re just “Back in my days kids used to love running with scissors!”-types.

    1. Thank you for your comment, which definitely wasn’t pointless at all.

      1. Just like 99% of the comments at Reason. Why buck the trend?

        1. Pointless AND whiny. I should have clarified.

      2. Indeed. Scissors have points.

        1. Not the ones allowed in public schools.

    2. Alpha doesn’t seem to understand that if he threw candy at kids he’d be forced to stop at the end of a gun barrel. What part of this silly article isn’t about freedom withering under state oppression, threat of violence?

    3. Running with scissors and riding bikes without helmets (or brakes) and playing with firecrackers and shooting arrows straight up into the sky is freedom.

      1. If the parade decides to not chuck candies at kids, it’s their freedom to do so too, right? Or, is it that no matter what the decision is, because the guy is a state employee, all mock-Libertarians must scream like constitutional serfs in a Monty Python skit?

        1. Except that the parade committee represents an official capacity in some sense. Am I allowed to organize my own parade and throw candy? Probably not. Anyway, the point here is not the legal right, but the sentiment, which reeks of the Nanny State.

  10. For a holiday arguably centered around the dead, spirits, and other things that most normal people don’t really believe in anymore this is certainly an odd admission of ‘why the fuck are we still having this holiday, again?’

    Or…no wait. We’re just talking about the candy? Well shucks, nevermind.

    1. We have Halloween so people can spend a small fortune decorating their yards to not scare kids who extort them for bags full of candy.

      1. *dons tin-foil hat*

        It’s a conspiracy by the confectionary industry! Revolution now!

  11. We have a similar tradition in the 4th of July parade (goes around twice to make sure no one misses it, because the town is so small and the parade so short).

    This is the middle of summer; hotter’n’heck. A big part of the parade is several local fire department fire trucks, and even a couple of private restored trucks, engaging in epic water fights with the locals. They turn the pressure way down. Locals drench them with hoses, super soakers, water balloons, and even plain old buckets. One kid dumped a bucket of water on a fire fighter, then asked for a refill from the fire hose, then dumped that bucket on the fire fighter too. Everybody including the fire fighter thought it was fantastic gall.

    The general rule is, if you have a water weapon, you are fair game. No water weapon, you stay dry. Every once in a while, some drunk sprays the unarmed, and the crowd quickly sets him right.

    But the old biddies who run the parade hate the water fights. It ruins the beauty of “their” parade. Someone started a panic over getting sued, and now they are going full bore threatening to eliminate all water fights.

    Fools! They haven’t been able to limit water fights to the second lap nor to specific zones. They won’t stop the water fights. But sillier is imagining they could — people would stop coming — they wouldn’t make any money for the community center — and they refuse to even discuss the consequences.

    1. What about automatic water rifles? What if someone’s water rifle had that thing on the shoulder that goes up? Why do you want more children to die???

      1. What if someone brings a bump stock super soaker!?!! OMG WTFBBQ!?!?!

    2. Well, after all, hydrogen dioxide is corrosive; and in overdose quantity, lethal.

  12. “”This year, the borough will instead set up four distribution stations where candy will be handed out.””

    I would find it funny if no one was at the parade because they are in line at a distribution station.

    Priorities.

    1. Or kids have so much access to candy and sweets these days that they aren’t going to bother waiting in line. Maybe the reason they scrambled for candy was that scrambling is fun and it wasn’t about the candy at all.

  13. In my town there were enough “concerned citizens” (nosy busy-bodies) complaining about throwing candy off the home-coming parade floats that they started piling the candy on the sidewalks and throwing kids off the floats into the pile. It’s always fun seeing the offensive linemen “accidentally” throwing a kid headfirst into a fireplug, if he wasn’t knocked unconscious or killed he’d at least lay there flopping around with a broken neck or a severed spine in a highly comical manner. And still the safety Nazis are complaining. Next year, they’re planning on using much bigger tractors to pull the floats and driving up on the sidewalks at full throttle.

  14. How about just tossing candy from the back of the final float?

  15. When will someone do something about those horrid T-shirt guns?

  16. Is anyone stopping you from having your own parade wherein you forcefully chuck candies at kids? Or, are you the typical Libertarian drama-queen?

    1. This guy doesn’t fuck.

  17. How long before the list of politically correct candies is approved. Fear of peanuts alone eliminates most palatable options.

    1. Three Musketeers is an endorsement of white supremacy and Mounds is cisgendernormative.

      1. I just ate a mounds [seriously]! Does that make me a cisgendered shitord?

        1. Do you have a penis or have you ever played with one?

          1. Or have you bought one and had it added on?

  18. My two-year old walked out in front of a parade car to get candy. Luckily the passenger in the car saw him because both the driver and myself were looking in another direction. They only distribute candy along the curb, now.

    1. Luckily? This tradition has been going on for decades all across the US. I’ve never heard of anyone getting hurt over the throwing of candy. Maybe a couple of kids duking it out over a snickers but… that wasn’t vehicle related.

    2. Ever read the book by a guy named Darwin?
      You should not have a two year old.

    3. I’ve marched in a parade with civil war re=enactors, and several kids were in the roadway in front of us scrambling for candy thrown from the preceding float. The captain called a halt while the parents grabbed the kids out of the way, but the potential for someone being tripped and a heavy musket clobbering some little kid on the head was certainly a possibility.

  19. “Nonetheless, our children are going to have more sweets than they can eat.”

    Michelle will be coming after you.

    And what about the kids crushed in the madhouse around the distribution centers?

  20. The little brats brought it on themselves, acting like savages. They should get nothing this year.

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