Homeland Security After Antifa, Colorado Sex-Offender Registry Unconstitutional, L'Oreal Fires Its First Trans Model: A.M. Links


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  1. The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has officially classified the leftist group Antifa as a “domestic terrorist” organization.

    These pendulum swings are fun.

    1. Hello.

      Re Antifa.


    2. Until the sharp edge gets close.

      1. At first, they came for Antifa, and I did nothing. Because fuck those guys.

        1. Actually, Attack Watch came for me first, but whatevs.

    3. They’re not a True(tm) Domestic Terrorist Orgie until SPLC says they are!

      1. And given the falsely credentialed [via mainstream media because they say so] SPLC agenda we know that will never happen no matter what those assholes do.

    4. I hate DHS and this doesn’t change that, but it’s hard not to laugh at the guys who spray paint “NO H8” on their riot shield and then attack elderly people finally being called out for what they are

  2. The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has officially classified the leftist group Antifa as a “domestic terrorist” organization.

    They need to start calling themselves Antiterr, duh.

  3. The Supreme Court of Kenya has declared the country’s August presidential election invalid due to allegations of widespread voter fraud.

    Next up, the Kenyan inauguration crowd size debate.

  4. The Supreme Court of Kenya has declared the country’s August presidential election invalid due to allegations of widespread voter fraud.

    That babushka they found stuffed in a garbage can outside one of the polling places was too much to ignore.

  5. “Honestly I don’t have energy to talk about the racial violence of white people any more. Yes ALL white people.”

    White people buy cosmetics, dummy.

    1. And I’m betting “trans” people do far better in “white” societies than in other ones. I’m betting the Arab world isn’t exactly accommodating of their idiocy.

      1. -1 Phillippines

        1. Just to be pedantic for a moment: neither of those places is Arab.

          1. To be even more accurately pedantic, they are also not “white” societies.

            1. To be even more trivially pedantic, they don’t do so “poorly” in our country, so *poorly* in the ME, and so “well” in the S. Pacific because of white people/societies.

          2. Just to be factual, Islam is the second largest religion in the Philippines.

            1. And the capital of Delaware is Dover.

          3. Just to be pedantic, a booming trade in tranny prostitution shouldn’t be labeled as ‘better’.

      2. -1 Afghanistan

      3. I don’t know about the Arab world, but Iran has a fairly high rate of sex-change operations. From what I understand, it’s because homosexuality is so highly frowned upon there that people who are gay get the operation so they aren’t executed.

        1. Persians =/= Arabs.

      4. “I’m betting the Arab world isn’t exactly accommodating…”

        On the contrary, boys being girls is an old and vital tradition throughout southwest Asia.

    2. L’Oreal Fears Becky Backlash

      1. Based on that photo, Beyonc?’s song lyric needs to be changed to Becky with the Nasty Hair.

    3. What a l’ordeal they find themselves in

    4. they should’ve fired her for being ugly

      1. Quite a man-face. And big feet.

        1. …that lantern jaw, whew. Isnt there a L’Oreal product to obscure strong angles?

      2. Indeed, it’s almost as if they hired this guy just because they looked sort of like a woman.

        1. Most of the trans-ladies I’ve seen are like 6 feet 5 and stomp around like a Clydesdale. I mean, put some effort into it at least.

          1. Indeed, although none of that will stop me from going to drag queen shows. Drag queens are awesome, trans people just don’t seem that fun.

          2. Correction – most of the trans-ladies you’ve seen that are readily identifiable as trans-ladies. Which is to say, the ones who don’t put any effort into it. Go down to Auburn Avenue some night and check out the ladies hanging out on the street corner and see if you can tell which ones are not actually ladies. Would it surprise you to know that not a single one of them is a lady? Because it sure surprises the hell out of the out-of-town conventioneers who go down there looking for a little action, surprises dozens of them every single night.

            1. No idea what Auburn Avenue is. But yeah, I was just joking. Even some of drag queens on the RuPaul show are amazing – surely most trans-ladies put even more effort into it.

            2. Jerryskids: “Say, you’re not one of those silly men who dresses up like a woman, are you?”
              Hooker: “No, baby, i’m all wo-”
              Jerryskids: [peels out]

              1. I was gonna make that joke, but I thought no one be still be around to see it.

      3. Her?!
        That’s a MAN, dude!

    5. I just love to hear the same kind of stupid, scientific or culture-based garbage coming out from the “race activist” set, explaining the PROOF that all the whitez are racist, stupid, blah blah blah.

      I mean these are the same people who would recoil and burn you in effigy if you explained how phrenology proves that some other culture is mentally inferior.

      Christ. Hypocrisy – how does it work?

      1. How, exactly, does “I’m tired of ‘splaining stuff to whites” = scientific/culture-based PROOF that whites are racist?

        Please to explain.

        1. In her “expanded justification, she goes into depth explaining how all those white peeple are raised soaking in a racist, western culture and we’re all just too stupid to help but be horrible racist oppressors. Blah blah blah.

          It’s delivered in the same weary, patronizing tone that some nazi stooge would explain how those poor jews are just too stupid to resist their inherent evil nature.

          So, am I part of the global whitey power cabal keeping down everyone or am I a helpless peckerwood cracker who’s born into a racist system but too stupid to see? SO CONFUSING.

          1. Gotcha.

            So, am I part of the global whitey power cabal keeping down everyone or am I a helpless peckerwood cracker who’s born into a racist system but too stupid to see?

            Yes: you contain multitudes.

          2. See, in the leftist view, there’s some sort of inherent immutable black identity, Hispanic identity, gay identity, female identity – being a woman, being a black, being a gay, that’s just who and what you are and that’s it. Everybody but the white man’s got an identity. White men need to check their privilege, get woke, get educated on their racist sexism and their sexist racism. White men, in other words, are the only class of people capable of rationally examining themselves and deliberately changing themselves. Explain to me how being one of that elite group of people capable of agency and self-determination doesn’t make me a superior being to those lesser animals who can’t help being what they are, like a dog or a cow or a squirrel?

            1. Tribalism… Blech…

              1. Are you okay?

                Because you MUST have a concussion from the sonic boom caused by the speed with which that went over your head.

        2. Are you denying their lived experiences?

    6. Misjudged how much protection trans current spot on the SJW victimhood totem pole actually affords.

    7. I always get a chuckle out of women who brag that they don’t wear makeup. I just want to tell them that they should.

      1. Unless they’re Paris Hilton.

      2. Not much of a makeup fan myself. Maybe for a fancy occasion, but I think it’s just weird that people regularly wear makeup as part of their ordinary routine.

        1. You can tell a lot about a woman by when she chooses to wear make up.

          1. Like when she puts on lipstick to give a morning BJ, that’s when you know you have a keeper.

            1. +1 Rainbow Party

  6. Hot take: only a government crackdown on speech can save free speech!

    Fortunately, the government will probably permit him to say this in the future.

  7. Dinosaurs proclaim: ‘Stop national service extinction’

    About 100 wobbly dinosaurs ? OK, people dressed up in gigantic, plastic T. rex suits ? roared and stampeded across the Capitol lawn on Wednesday morning.

    “We’re coming to get you!” one bellowed.

    Even by Washington standards for theatrical protests, it was quite a sight. The cause, in this case: the president’s proposed budget cuts to national service programs, such as AmeriCorps.

    The dinosaur suits fit the motto of their PR blitz: “Stop national service extinction.”

    Hey Nazis, the LARP ball is in your court.

    1. Even by Washington standards for theatrical protests, it was quite a sight. The cause, in this case: the president’s proposed budget cuts to national service programs, such as AmeriCorps.

      The dinosaur suits fit the motto of their PR blitz: “Stop national service extinction.”

      Because “volunteering” and not getting paid is just a bridge too far.

      1. The nation wants Big Macs and if you walk into any McDonald’s there’s somebody waiting to serve you a Big Mac. Maybe these people could go see if McDonalds needs anybody to help serve the nation.

    2. So, AmeriCorps is the dinosaur in this scenario?

      1. You’re the political wordtoonist, you tell me.

        1. Picture, if you will, a tiki torch-wielding caricature of President Donald Trump – drawn not nearly the correct shade of orange – as he marches down Pennsylvania Avenue. He is on his way to Capitol Hill to the statue of Confederate President Jefferson Davis. The street is lined on one side with Antifa and the other with the alt-right. The president and one side of the street are complaining of not enough news media cameras; the other side seems ambivalent to that. As the rabble looks on, Trump plants his torch in front of the Davis statue while Melania dresses it in board shorts. “There,” the president tweets. “Now this dump is more like Mar-a-Lago.” And then Barron accidentally knocks over the monument to Cash for Clunkers.

          1. White guy with “trump’s business interests” on his golf shirt is taking a selfie with his arm around the statue.

          2. [rises, salutes, hums “America the Beautiful”]

          3. Needs more Hope Hicks behind-the-scenes orchestration.

            1. You leave the hillbillies out of this.

    3. So they are saying that programs li ke AmeriCorps are ill-adapted to the current enviroment and should die off? They should rethink the imagery they are using.

      1. Well the ‘current environment’ would refer to an impact winter following a miles-long asteroid smashes into the world.

        Which would be referring to the Trump presidency, so it kinda works out.

        1. Last I had heard, there was still some co tention about t he impact theory. Something happened to change the global enviroment from the hotter, higher atmospheric O2 content to a colder, less oxygenated climate.

          1. So the Gulf of Mexico isn’t a crater?

      2. Huh. I thought the dinosaur all died off because of evil Rethuglican budget cuts…

      3. I think they’re saying Trump should hit these programs with an asteroid.

    4. Oh. I was hoping this was a snarky take on Bill Kristol and David Brooks and the like calling for compulsory national ‘service.’

    5. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKPwtDjzJMI

      Are we sure its not marketing for that movie’s DVD release?

    6. Dinosaurs? Not the best imagery. I mean, they ARE extinct.

  8. Big changes are coming to catfish regulation.

    Finally, online identification verification.

  9. My girlfriend and I meow at each other. It’s not as unusual as it sounds.

    Coming home late on a Tuesday evening after hours of reporting and running errands, I dropped my bag right at the door. Settling into a seat at the kitchen table, I turned my exhausted gaze to my girlfriend, who was sitting at her laptop. When she looked up, I could tell she was ready to begin the daily recap of who we called, what projects we accomplished, and how many buckets we sweated on the subway.

    Except that’s not how our conversation started.

    “MEYYYYOWWWWW,” I wailed mournfully.

    “Meowww,” she responded sympathetically.

    “Meow,” I affirmed, with a huff.

    1. Over the past few months, my girlfriend and I have developed our own way of communicating that would turn heads in public: We speak Cat to one another. Not all the time, of course, but what started as the occasional meow ? an initial “I’m joking-but-not-really” litmus test of how much weirdness a relationship can handle ? has furballed into a regular means of expressing ourselves. Part of it, I think, is that it just feels good to let out a great meow, like a yoga “omm”; but really, each feline vocalization confirms that my girlfriend accepts, and shares, one of my most absurd habits.

      How are comedy writers supposed to compete with this?

      1. Use dogs instead of cats?

        1. And an Oregon judge will have your vocal cords removed.

          1. Nice!

      2. The cat speakers are late to the party. Matt Stone and Trey Parker already covered this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RL1Vcn8yX1g

        1. Those guys have already done pretty much everything, which is impressive since at a glance they both appear to be functionally retarded yet somehow they’re America’s #1 satirists.

    2. I’d ask if the writer knows anybody sane to make the comment that meowing at each other is, in any way, not exceptionally fucking weird.

    3. And then someone hits them with the hose to shut them up.

      1. That’s for indoor cats, quiet cats, and cats with collars. The rest get one warning shot.

    4. What a man willput up with to pet a pussy.

      1. It’s funny that you say this because my boys all went through phases in the 3-6 range where they talked like dogs or wolves. All the girls of the same age in the neighborhood talked like cats. As near as I can tell, it’s as tight or tighter a gender division as any of the other gender constructs and, while I know plenty of parents who want their kids to stop talking like that, it’s not like any of them are saying, “You’re a boy, so you should talk in a dog voice.”

        It couldn’t be more clear that she’s got him trained.

        1. my boys all went through phases in the 3-6 range where they talked like dogs or wolves. All the girls of the same age in the neighborhood talked like cats

          Did you live on a Superfund site?

        2. Or it could be that one of the boys did it and the other’s imitated it and the same happened with the girls.

          My one data point contradicts your observation: my wife’s youngest son had a thing about wanting to be a cat.

          I suspect it has more to do with what kind of pets the parents are into.

          1. I suspect it has more to do with what kind of pets the parents are into.

            IDK, seems like the division was way too clear for the random mix of dog, cat, boy, girl, dog/cat, and boy/girl family/pet permutations in my neighborhood but freely admit to not having run it through any Chi-Squared or ANOVA analyses let alone significance testing.

            At the same time, is ‘crazy old cat lady’ a gender role? If not, where are all the ‘crazy old dog ladies’ and ‘crazy old cat men’?

            1. For dogs at least I think there’s a built in limiter that it is significantly harder to own many dogs than many cats.

        3. There’s definitely a male/dog, female/cat bias in society and I think kids pick up ‘clues’ on the ‘right’ way to behave even at that age. Maybe they got it from a Dick and Jane book.

    5. Anyone got a spare laser pointer?

    6. So that’s what Citizen X looks like. Nice beard, bro.

      1. Holy shit, that actually does look like me. My wife is better looking than the chick in the picture, though.

      2. It’s WaPo – they use mostly stock photos now like any tabloid.

    7. When she looked up, I could tell she was ready to begin the daily recap of who we called, what projects we accomplished, and how many buckets we sweated on the subway.

      This is why I’m not in a relationship.

      1. That’s not why you’re not in a relationship.

        1. It’s the one and only reason!

  10. A federal judge in Colorado has ruled the state’s sex-offender registry to be a form of “cruel and unusual punishment.”

    Not all that unusual these days.

    1. They were meowing?

      1. Some of them were indeed catfuckers.

  11. This restaurant serves chocolate ice cream in toilet bowls

    Modern Toilet celebrates bowel movements with a variety of dishes that look just like poo.

    All the dishes and drinks are served in mini toilets, bidet-shaped bowls and mugs inspired by urinals and toilets.

    While the idea of it is enough to make most people gag, it’s popular with Taiwanese hipsters ? and families.

    Unlike in the West, where faecal matter is seen as something to be flushed away and not thought off again, poo is regarded as something cute and lucky in Chinese culture.

    Wake me when they infuse the chocolate with corn giblets.

    1. Candy corn topping seems an obvious choice.

    2. Taiwanese hipsters.


    3. Crusty, have you ever heard the story of how the band Korn got their name?

    4. They once had a prison-themed restaurant here. The food was worse than in an American jail (I’ve never actually done hard time).

  12. Is the Pope a Freudian?

    Sometimes an aspergillum is just an aspergillum.

    1. I’ve seen his footwear – those are Mrs. Freud’s slippers if they’re anybody’s.

  13. Pete Rose has been sacked from Fox Sports over allegations of sex with a teen girl.

    How are we supposed to make a ruling without an accompanying photo of Pete Rose?

    1. You would need a photo of him from forty years ago, which is when the alleged incident happened.

      1. He was fired for having sex with a teen girl who is now pushing 60? Shpulf there not a statute of limitations?

        1. Who’s he think he is? Roman Polanski?

          1. Polanski went on the lam from a criminal trial. Were any charges brought against Rose over this?

      2. Jockey got athletes to purposely look like that for some horrible reason, and the worst photo as of Steve Carlton, who I am pretty sure is a libertarian-minded fellow, or at least a miserable, misanthropic gun-nut, which is close enough.

        Of course Jockey also had Jim Palmer in this sort of ad, which is easier on the eyes.

      3. would, if in 70’s drug and paisley induced haze

    2. Given uo on getting ibto the HOF while still on this mortal coil, huh?

  14. Milwaukee County Sheriff David Clarke has resigned, spurring talk that he’s headed to a position with the Trump administration.

    Secretary of Position That Chris Christie Didn’t Get

    1. Mil-eh-walk-eh, Algonquin for MAGA

    2. Secretary of “Squeal like a pig”?

      1. Clarke has a real purty mouth.

  15. …unemployment rate ticks up to 4.4 percent.


    1. I’m patiently awaiting zero percent unemployment. Followed by CNN headline: “People Have Less Free Time Under Trump.”

    2. More like down from 10% to 4.4%.

      Administrations just do not count people as unemployed after they stop looking for work and don’t go to unemployment offices anymore.

      1. “Administrations just do not count people as unemployed after they stop looking for work and don’t go to unemployment offices anymore.”

        I find it humorous that people like Sean Hannity suddenly “discovered” this fact during the Obama administration.

      2. The metric the media (and the government, of course) usually quotes is a shitty measure, yet they continue to do it anyway. Fortunately it’s super easy to go and check the other U rates.

        If anything I’m shocked the media doesn’t use the better metric when a Republican is in office, since it would be pretty easy to clutch your pearls over it but I suppose that would be too obviously mendacious.

        1. that would be too obviously mendacious.

          We’re talking about the same media that still claims that 17 agencies determined Russia hacked the DNC?

          1. Trump is a special case because they hate him just oh so much, and frankly most people are willing to swallow pretty much any lie or ‘mistruth’ as long as it’s even tangentially about Trump.

            That said, I’m still surprised they aren’t using the more accurate unemployment numbers because of Trump. I imagine the only reason is because the Government uses it, so it must be ‘the best’ measure even when it absolutely isn’t.

  16. Ensconced languidly between progressive hell and neo-conservative boiler the establishment trundles dapper cane, clicks fucking castanets, and swaggers to a centuries-old beat indifferent to the nature of desire, pleasure, and humanity.

    The great political savior of the modern self-described ‘common sense’ outliers who collectively embraced a snake-oil salesman touting Outsider credentials has begun slow descent into the moldy drip-drop cooperation of dungeon-derived regulation and enforcement.

    Sheriff David Clarke will marvelously ply Trump’s chains solidly clasped on adult pleasure – while the establishment lounges cocktail in hand on the hammocks of time.

    Between stars, hammer, and sickle lies the long underground- the which I am forever familiar with.

    1. If you read the piece from this morning, you’ll know that moldy drip-drop damn well better have a calorie-count label attached to it. That moldy drip-drop apparently ain’t coming from the swamp drain.

    2. Don’t ever change, AC.

    3. Outsider, as in he comes from the Outer Planes. Perhaps Tartarus?

      Anyway, hi Agile. Early morning or late night? Much love, either way.

    4. I thought you were dead.

  17. Where have you gone, Elizabeth Taylor, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

  18. The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has officially classified the leftist group Antifa as a “domestic terrorist” organization

    For you losers who are unaware, on September 16th the Juggalos are marching on Washington to protest their gang designation.

    Will they be met in force by Antifa, or the alt right, or both, or neither? WILL AMERICA SURVIVE IS WHAT I AM ASKING?

    1. Either the three groups will meet and annihilate each other, or they’ll form a perfect storm of the worst possible people and obliterate Washington completely. In both cases the rest of the country wins.

    2. If they bring Juggalo strippers, we’ll be fine.

      1. Damn. The percentage of female juggalos that are actually kinda hot is low, but nevertheless far higher than any reasonable person would expect.

        1. In any case, there would be lots of jiggling breasts.

    3. I forgot the march’s official link!

      Theory: weeks after the Juggalo March the illegal libertarian herpes cure will become in such high demand that it will be immediately approved by the FDA, stimulating speculation that Peter Theil has been pulling the juggalo strings for years.

      Instead of using their newfound wealth to fund a libertarian revolt, Theil and his buddies will use the funds to build their own private, herpes-free, seasteading paradise.

      1. Would they still be Juggalos without the herpes?

    4. Report all price-gouging on grape Fanta.

        1. I’m so embarrassed for goaxiaen right now.

    5. If the Juggalos only knew that everyone is laughing at them. the only time I ever laugh at clowns

  19. Big changes are coming to catfish regulation.

    The USDA had previously said it would require an inspector at the processors any time blue catfish were on the premises, and that the agency would cover the cost of an inspector for only 40 hours a week, and just during normal daytime working hours. Processors would have to pay about $70 per hour for inspectors needed at other times ? which would be likely, as watermen bring in catfish on weekends and from early in the morning until late at night.

    But after meetings with watermen, processors and fish-cutters over the last several months, the USDA has revised its plan, according to spokeswoman Julie Schwartz. Calling it an adjustment in production coverage, she said that rather than require an inspector be on hand at all times during catfish processing, the regulation will mandate an inspector only “once per production shift.” This would apply to both whole fish sellers and those that process them into filets. She did not specify the length of a shift.

    $70 an hour to pretend to look at fish?

    1. You missed the point: The catfish is an invasive species in the Chesapeake Bay area threatening the crabbing and fishing industries so they deliberately encouraged commercial fishing to cut down on the pest population.

      But in 2008, U.S. Sen. Thad Cochran (R-MS) slid a provision into the U.S. Farm Bill moving inspection responsibility to the USDA after a phase-in period to give agencies time to adjust. The shift was intended to protect Mississippi catfish farmers, who were complaining about competition from their counterparts in Vietnam.

      The regulation had critics ? from Cochran’s fellow lawmakers, including Republicans, who called it an unfair trade barrier ? to the Government Accountability Office, which said it was a waste of $14 million annually in taxpayer funds. Efforts to block the law faltered, and it took effect this year.

      See that bolded part? It’s as clear an admission you’ll ever see that the government regulation is deliberately designed as an impediment to business, a weapon to be used against your competitors. They’re not even pretending that this has anything to do with public health and safety. And I’m sure it’s those free market worshipping libertarians who are to blame.

      1. My point is that you’ll excuse me for not cheering when under Obama the government mandates you be smacked in the face ten times with a baseball bat and Our Hero Donald Trump rides to the rescue and rolls back the mandate to only being smacked twice in the nuts with a golf club. The ratchet effect, the two steps forward, one step back on the over-regulation is nothing to cheer about. Merely slowing the growth in government is never going to result in a smaller government.

        1. Yes it is something to cheer about. Every single reduction in hits in the face or nuts deserves encouragement.

          1. But it’s not a reduction – they demanded 10 and you talked them down to 2, that’s still 2 more.

  20. BREAKING: US employers added steady 156,000 jobs in August, unemployment rate ticks up to 4.4 percent.
    8:31 AM – Sep 1, 2017


    The Con Man said he would be greatest jobs president ever.

    1. Compared to 2016, average month job gains have slowed in the United States ? so far in 2017, the economy is adding an average of 175,625 jobs a month. In 2016, it was 193,500.



    2. Certainly. He’s pulling the greatest con-job ever.

  21. “Congress must govern with a president who has no experience of public office, is often poorly informed and can be impulsive in his speech and conduct,” the Arizona senator wrote.


    The old warmonger knows his Con men.

  22. A Cunt Tickle for Leibowitz

    The car pulled over and John Hodgman got out. “He is right over there,” the driver said and pointed down the dirt road. “Mr. Stewart! Your guest is here!” the driver shouted before he started the car and drove off, kicking up a trail of dust. John Hodgman saw a man under the shade of an elderberry bush, shearing a sheep. He walked down the road, and, as he approached, he realized it was who he had come to see. Jon Stewart Leibowitz looked up and waved his visitor over. As Hodgman approached, he saw Stewart cleaning his shearing clippers absently with his fingernail, an oppressive aura of ennui settling on the scene like dust in an unfrequented attic.
    “Hello John,” Stewart said emptily. “Hello Jon,” Hodgman answered.
    “You came. Good. I need you. You are the only one I can count on.” Stewart explained, as he resumed shearing the sheep. ” You may be wondering why I have gone into seclusion here at my wife’s farm for rescue farm animals. Frankly, John, it is shame, pure and simple.”
    “Shame, Jon? But you have accomplished so much. You are a legend. And you have inspired a whole generation of satiric news providers, comedians, and talk show hosts.”

    1. Jon Stewart laughed bitterly, like burnt black coffee. “Just between you and me, John, they are all terrible. You know it, and I know it. But we must pretend. Look, I will readily admit I picked Trevor Noah because I knew he would be terrible and would make me look that much better in retrospect. But I cannot be fully responsible for some of the other shows that have spawned in my absence. I think you know what I am talking about. Don’t even speak their names.” Stewart smacked the sheared sheep on her ass and the sheep ran off. He stood up and dusted wool off his overalls. “You know we have a lot of chickens here from Georgia? Anyway, as much as I cringe at what my absence has wrought, my shame goes deeper. I feel responsible for the rise of Trump. I almost feel as if I summoned him. I personally begged for him to run on my show, because of the great comedic potential. Well, the universe answered my prayers, and the universe’s sense of humor is cruel indeed. You have felt this too, have you not? Did you ever think there could actually be such a thing as a furry lobster? That’s right. No, I manifested this and now I feel that we must set things right.”
      John Hodgman looked at his former boss thoughtfully. “But what can be done, other than wait for 2020, when a Democrat will surely rise to save us?”

      1. The sadness and regret in Stewart’s voice was replaced with anger as he threw the shearing clippers at the horizon and wailed: “Oh? And which Democrat will that be? Bernie? Pocahontas? Biden? Face it, there is no one. NO ONE!” He turned to Hodgman. “There is only one way. You must infiltrate Sarah Palin’s inner circle and get her to run against Trump.”
        Hodgman’s stunned silence was framed by the sounds of crickets and the distant crowing of a rescued rooster. After several seconds, while Stewart stared at him, Hodgman found his voice: “How, how in the dickens am I supposed to do that?”

        1. “You played the Deranged Millionaire for years. You know how they think. Adopt your character, and they will accept you as one of their own,” explained Stewart. At that moment, one of the farm’s peacocks strutted by and Stewart deftly plucked on of the peacock’s tail feathers. He handed the feather to Hodgman. “You will need this.”
          Hodgman took the feather and frown down at it with a puzzled expression. “This?”
          “I have studied Sarah Palin for years. She listens to her gut. Or, rather, that which resides right below her gut. Whenever anyone brings up her political ambitions, or the possibility of her running again, and you should actively encourage such discussion after you gain their trust, you must positioned yourself behind her and tickle her from behind with this magical feather. Over time, this will surely rekindle her lust for power.”
          “I accept this mission, Jon,” Hodgman said proudly. And they shook hands, and Hodgman went off on an adventure that would turn out to be the most bizarre of his already strange life. Even more bizarre than the furry lobster.

          1. Write a novel already. Just channel Kurt Vonnegut.

    2. LOVE the Walter Miller Reference! That was a fantastic novel, btw.

  23. ‘This is crazy,’ sobs Utah hospital nurse as cop roughs her up, arrests her for doing her job

    By all accounts, the head nurse at the University of Utah Hospital’s burn unit was professional and restrained when she told a Salt Lake City police detective he wasn’t allowed to draw blood from a badly injured patient.

    The detective didn’t have a warrant, first off. And the patient wasn’t conscious, so he couldn’t give consent. Without that, the detective was barred from collecting blood samples ? not just by hospital policy, but by basic constitutional law.

    Still, Detective Jeff Payne insisted that he be let in to take the blood, saying the nurse would be arrested and charged if she refused.


    Probably posted.

    1. You forgot that the unconscious victim of a hit and run was not under arrest at the time.
      What has basic constitutional law got to do with it?
      He is a cop, you better do as he says, or else!

      Good for the nurse, though. If there is a need to contribute to a defense fund or anything, please post.

    2. Damn, too bad that hospital didn’t have a psych ward, a psych ward with big burly orderlies armed with truncheons and experience with taking down deranged people threatening bodily harm to others or to themselves. You’ve got a crazy-acting guy threatening to commit felonious assault on a patient and when a nurse tries to stop him, he *does* commit a felonious assault on her, and nobody tries to stop the guy? And assuming the crazy-acting guy committing the felonious assault is armed, well, depending on the law in Utah, I believe you’re allowed to use lethal force in that case to stop him.

    3. “The goal was reportedly to protect the trucker, who was not suspected of a crime. ”

      Of course it was. We’re just trying to protect you, citizen.

  24. The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has officially classified the leftist group Antifa as a “domestic terrorist” organization.

    Makes your lefty butt hurt, doesn’t it Lizzie?

    1. But it makes your butt feel soooooo good.

  25. True Detective season 3 greenlit; details revealed

    First: After a season spent in Los Angeles, the show is returning to its rural season 1 roots. The next round, starring a previously announced Mahershala Ali (Moonlight), will be set in the Ozarks. Ali will play the lead role of Wayne Hays, a state police detective from Northwest Arkansas.

    Also, we have a logline: “The next installment of True Detective tells the story of a macabre crime in the heart of the Ozarks, and a mystery that deepens over decades and plays out in three separate time periods.”

    I’m already Ozark’d out.

    Also-also: Some behind-the-scenes details. Original showrunner Nic Pizzolatto will be the sole writer of the series (with the exception of episode 4, which he co-wrote with David Milch, who was brought on board to help Pizzolatto shape the season). Pizzolatto will direct with Jeremy Saulnier (Green Room), who is a newcomer to the franchise.

    Not a good sign – that cocksucker failed the second season.

    1. I’ve got no interest, even with Milch involved. If critics cream themselves over this show again, I might give it a chance, but if I see any reasonable dissent, I ain’t bothering.

    2. Green Room was pretty good, although Patrick Stewart is not very good with American accents IMO

    3. Only Jason Bateman can save this gathering disaster.

    4. Am I the only one that didn’t hate season 2? It was just meh. Green room was good, I just hope it’s not a complete remake of the first season.

      1. The second season was clunky, probably because Pizzolatto wrote it himself in a few months, and Colin Farrell seemed like a parody, and it was far less visually striking than the first season, which most attribute to Pizzolatto’s falling out with the director of the first season.

        The first season had a clear vision and purpose, while the second season did not.

      2. It had some good stuff, but it was mostly plodding and pointless.

  26. The latest my award-winning series, “WHY WON’T TREASONNN COVER THIS?!?!?!?” series: How Tony the Tiger Became the Most Sexually Objectified Breakfast Mascot

    For years we’ve known that Twitter is horny for the Frosted Flakes mascot. When Tony started blocking people for sending him graphic messages and imagery, Chester Cheetah (of the Cheetos brand) tried to co-opt the lascivious attention. But it didn’t work. Tony still reigns supreme among fans of orange jungle cats best known for commercial work. And while the media tends to cast the naughty replies to Tony as the work of the furry fandom, a subculture interested in anthropomorphic animal personalities, that doesn’t seem to be the entire story. After Twitter suspended user Alex Boivin in early August for commenting “I’d fuck that tiger” on a promoted Frosted Flakes tweet, Boivin claimed ignorance of the furries’ affinity for Tony and told BuzzFeed that he’d acted on a whim.

    I’m more of a Cap’n Crunch fella, so this does nothing for me.

    1. The kids who grew up with this Tony???the brawny, humble, self-assured and velvet-voiced Tony???were absorbing an accidental avatar of compassionate manliness. Today, they’re adults with Twitter accounts, acting out some confusing urge that has lain dormant in their loins since then. And while some take an interest in Tony’s (seemingly repressed) bestial nature, others are enamored with his cartoon status, or even his corporate gig. In one bit of fan fiction dating back to 2003, the author reports that he’d “always dreamed of sucking [Tony’s] long, meaty, jungle-sized cock” and, in the ensuing fantasy, details how unlike a tiger Tony is, despite his cat reflexes and twitchy tail:

      His ass was in the general shape of a human’s, which wasn’t uncommon for real-life (in dreams, anyhow) cartoons?. I was looking closely at his entire body, and noticed that he didn’t have fur like you’d think. Instead, he had no fur, and it was just his skin that was colored orange and black. You could see the muscles in his back and legs, and he was strong.

    2. After Twitter suspended user Alex Boivin in early August for commenting “I’d fuck that tiger” on a promoted Frosted Flakes tweet

      Not to sound crass, but the tiger was asking for it.

    3. “in my award-winning.” This is what I get for simultaneously entertaining myself and annoying you while listening to people tell me things that I will ignore.

  27. “The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has officially classified the leftist group Antifa as a “domestic terrorist” organization.”

    I remember, circa 2004, when I didn’t think it was possible to create sympathy for terrorists. Then, the Abu Ghraib torture photos hit.

    I remember circa 2017, when I didn’t think it was possible to create sympathy for Antifa. Then, the DHS classified them as a domestic terrorist organization.

    If the Department of Homeland Security had stayed up all night trying to think of new and better ways to generate recruiting, financing, and support for Antifa, they couldn’t have come up with anything better than this.

    1. I don’t know about Antifa but I kind of want to be a Juggalo now.

      1. Wait until DHS finds out a man who threatened a federal judge wants to join the Juggalos.

        1. Note to anyone reading this: everything I write here is juvenile bluster. No one in their right mind would want to be a Juggalo.

          1. He already has the universal juggalo playbook, and he is running it step-by-step.

  28. The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has officially classified the leftist group Antifa as a “domestic terrorist” organization

    Congratulations NYT et al, you got your wish: you pumped this bullshit notion of ‘domestic terrorismextremism‘ thinking you could use it as a rhetorical tool against anyone to the right of Mao, but instead you handed a GOP controlled police-state a perfect excuse to crush dissent in the name of Homeland Security

    bravo, you big brains, you

    1. As RC Dean used to say, “Me today, you tomorrow”.

    2. Yet somehow BLM managed to avoid that classification despite using some of the same tactics. Not that I necessarily think they should be classified, but it is interesting how some groups violence is considered the actions of a ‘fringe’ element and other groups are considered to be wholly rotten. BLM was by-and-large peaceful I suppose, so perhaps that’s the logic.

      So far I can’t say I’ve heard of a ‘peaceful’ Antifag protest.

      1. BLM managed to avoid that classification despite using some of the same tactics.

        no: BLM don’t wear masks. at least in no cases i’ve seen.

        which is a huge distinction between ‘civil disobedience’ (*e.g. “i’m not just willing to get arrested for my actions, I WANT TO in order to draw attention to my cause”) and premeditated rioting (smashing storefronts, mob-assaults, setting cars on fire)

        BLM may have some similar members/overlap, but lying down in traffic and making lots of noise/causing public disruption is worlds away from the “attack perceived opponents with sticks and pepper-spray” in order to prevent their ideological enemies from speaking in public.

        1. BLM don’t wear masks, they just kill people.

      2. Antifa makes no bones about their willingness to use violence. I don’t recall BLM trying to make any excuses for the violence that accompanied any of their demonstrations, and I haven’t seen any reason to believe that the people using violence were officially associated with any BLM group (not that that means it definitely doesn’t exist).

        1. I haven’t seen any reason to believe that the people using violence were officially associated with any BLM group (not that that means it definitely doesn’t exist).

          I agree, and I’m not trying to say that I think BLM is indeed a terrorist organization or anything along those lines, I just find it interesting how a group who’s supporters have killed law enforcement officers isn’t a terrorist group while another groups supporters that have predominantly smashed property is.

          At the moment I don’t think Antifa has actually killed anyone, but it’s rather undeniable their goal is indeed ‘terrorism’ as a method (and I suspect they will end up killing someone, if they haven’t already). That’s probably the determining factor, since BLM was not advocating terror tactics even while some members (or at least supporters) took it there.

  29. Nick Sarwark tries to explain himself in an interview, fails.

    His argument is “I called some people Nazis, and now they’re pulling the victim card” You’re supposed to understand that as being unfair…. to him.

  30. This:

    The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has officially classified the leftist group Antifa as a “domestic terrorist” organization.

    And not having to see Stossel’s smug puss makes it a good day.

    PS Until I read the article about the nurse and cop, geez!

    1. How can it be a terrorist organization, when it isn’t an organization at all?

      1. A terrorist disorganization?

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