Jared Kushner Heads Back to the Middle East, 'Beach-Spreading' Hits the Jersey Shore, and German Elections Get Underway: P.M. Links

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  Tom Williams/CQ Roll Call/Newscom

  Jared Kushner is being sent back to the Middle East to restart peace talks between Israel and Palestine. No doubt he will be able to bring this long conflict to a quick and satisfying end.

• A D.C. neighborhood wants to block a Safeway from selling wine and beer until it starts selling more fresh fruit and sugar-free foods. These are the costal elites we all labor under.

• Ginger-haired emoji scheduled for a 2018 roll out. Now if we could only get one with freckles too.

• Move over "manspreading"; welcome to prime-time "beach-spreading." According to The New York Times, New Jersey's beaches are being taken over by tent-toting "maximalists" who are taking up more than their allotted space with barbeque grills, volleyball nets, and sprawling games of Uno.

• Campaigning is getting underway for elections to Germany's Bundestag, to be held on September 24. The Economist has a helpful breakdown of the parties and their positions.

Comments

[Fist of Etiquette]

Campaigning is getting underway for elections to Germany's Bundestag, to be held on September 24th.

Sigh. Fine. You know who else...?

[Rufus The Monocled]

Hello.

Bundestag.

I like that word.

Check my Bundestag!

[Half-Virtue, Half-Vice]

Did Hitler also win from a broken Electoral College?

[Eek Barba Durkle]

Broken? Seems like it worked exactly how it was supposed to.

[Tony]

Elect the most incompetent human imaginable against the will of the people? Yeah, it's done that twice in my lifetime alone. Can't wait to see what slug creature it picks next time.

[Eek Barba Durkle]

Against the will of the people? The people chose Trump, through the exact same mechanism they've chosen every other President.

Or are you still in that fantasy world where the winner is the person who you wanted to win, and the rationalization comes later?

[Tony]

I was referring to the will of the majority of the voters rather than the minority of them. Sorry if that is too abstract a concept for you.

[Incomprehensible Bitching]

Is it the will of the people to trash the constitution, asshole?

[Cyto]

yes. Yes it is most definitely the will of the people to trash the constitution.

Whether it is reactionary theocrats who want to legislate porn away, or virulent SJW types who want to outlaw all forms of speech which they disagree with, or any of a thousand other constituencies, people want to trash the constitution and your freedoms.

[Incomprehensible Bitching]

Well, that's bad.

[Scarecrow Repair & Chippering]

If the People's One True Representative had been woke enough to understand the Electoral College, she might have won the election.

Are we now supposed to reward losers? Oh wiat, yes, because Tony knows best.

[Sevo]

Tony|8.11.17 @ 6:30PM|#
"I was referring to the will of the majority of the voters rather than the minority of them. Sorry if that is too abstract a concept for you."

Poor lefty lost! Can you imagine the pain our poor, poor slimebag is feeling?
Isn't it..
.
.
.
.
.
just GREAT!?

[Incomprehensible Bitching]

Hey, buddy: any state can change the way it chooses electors any time it wants.

Stop pissing on democracy.

[Agammamon]

In a whole bunch of other areas you absolutely *love* a government that ignores the will of the people. What's different here?

Methinks its not so much the will of the people you want the government to impose but *your* will alone.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Jared Kushner is being sent back to the Middle East to restart peace talks between Israel and Palestine.

It's like being sent to the Russian front.

[Citizen X - #6]

According to the New York Times, New Jersey's beaches are being taken over by tent-toting 'maximalists', who're taking up more than their allotted space with barbeque grills, volleyball nets, and sprawling card games of Uno.

Like anyone needed another reason to avoid New Jersey's beaches.

[Dead inside]

Move over 'manspreading', welcome to primetime 'beach-spreading'. According to the New York Times, New Jersey's beaches are being taken over by tent-toting 'maximalists', who're taking up more than their allotted space with barbeque grills, volleyball nets, and sprawling card games of Uno.

Never underestimate the masses ability to be annoying and obnoxious.

[BestUsedCarSales]

I always have to wonder how much of this is real, and how many of this is vocal asshole bitching about kids running on the beach?

[Brandybuck]

What about governor-spreading?!?!?

[Domestic Dissident]

Only about an hour or two until we reach that most blissful, Nirvana-like state on the Hit n' Run blog when all the JournoLists and Obama Mommas (but I repeat myself) have clocked out for the weekend!

[Tony]

So real libertarians have no life?

[Citizen X - #6]

Simple Mikey's "nirvana" is gonna be him and Tony saying just the dumbest bullshit at each other for about half an hour, isn't it.

[Scarecrow Repair & Chippering]

Like two Elizas teletyping to each other.

[Otis B. Driftwood]

I've been wondering, Tony: when we inevitably enter a war with North Korea, will you maintain the same pro-war stance that you had for the entire 8 years that Obama was president or will you *suddenly* assume an anti-war posture?

[Tony]

What war did Obama start?

[Mmmmmm]

Who said he started a war? Your reading skills are that poor?

[Tony]

Being generally in favor of Obama's foreign policy approach relative to the alternative is not being "pro-war." I like it when people smarter than I are in charge. That wasn't the case with his predecessor or successor, tragically.

[Reality]

So, you did understand the question, you just chose to deflect with a non sequitur because..?

[Tony]

Was the accusation that I approved of Obama's wars (of which there were none), or was it that I approved of Bush's wars once Obama took over (which isn't true)?

[Mmmmmm]

And now you're at it again.

Just once I'd like you to have a conversation where you don't lie about what was said in a vain attempt to win a prize that doesn't exist.

[Reality]

Hey fucking retard, no one said anything about Obama's or Bush's wars.

[Troy87]

I approved of Bush's wars once Obama took over (which isn't true)?

Post some links to your recent criticism of the War in Afghanistan.

[Tony]

You first.

[Agammamon]

Sorry buddy, but its pretty standard practice that once you take over for someone and *continue* their clusterfucks - those clusterfucks become yours.

[Agammamon]

You mean Libya?

[Mmmmmm]

See? That wasn't so difficult was it?

[Otis B. Driftwood]

Answer the question you mendacious twat. For once, just take a fucking stand for what you sincerely believe instead of expectorating logical fallacy after logical fallacy.

[Scarecrow Repair & Chippering]

I like it when people smarter than I are in charge.

Well there's your problem right there! You're too dumb to tell.

By definition. And by example.

Fantastic!

[Otis B. Driftwood]

Oh no you don't. You're not going to pull that subterfuge with me. I asked you a pointed, unambiguous question; let's see if you have the sack to answer it.

[Tony]

No I do not support war with North Korea.

[Otis B. Driftwood]

FINALLY.
It sure was difficult pulling that answer out of you, Tony. You see, when you spend well over a decade unconditionally supporting a political tribe instead of supporting a set of principles that you hold dear, you have duck, dodge, dip, dive, and dodge every time someone asks you a pointed, unambiguous question about your beliefs. I want you to understand that I don't think you're a complete piece of dog shit because we don't see eye-to-eye on foreign policy, geopolitics, etc...I think you're a piece of dog shit simply because you put party before principle every goddamned time. And before you even attempt to pull a Tony and immolate that man of straw, the same rule applies to any piece of dog shit that pledges unconditional loyalty to Team Red.

So now that we are past all of that, let's get back to Tony's ever-changing views on foreign policy. A careful search of your comment history will reveal ZERO criticism of Obama's drone strikes in Yemen, Syria, Pakistan, and Libya....in addition to ZERO criticism for Obama's continued fighting in Afghanistan. Are you at least a little bit concerned that very vocally opposing a war in North Korea will significantly reduce your credibility and seal your fate as a vapid partisan shill?

[Sevo]

Tony|8.11.17 @ 5:16PM|#
"What war did Obama start?"

Oh, that's right!
The lying POS called it a 'police action' or some such bullshit, right, shitbag?

[Enjoy Every Sandwich]

I find that it's not so much pro-war or anti-war; rather, it's the view on the president's authority to start a war on his own that shifts depending on which party holds the White House. Democrats who were very very sure that Obama could do whatever he wanted with his pen and his phone will insist that Trump follow the Constitution. (Suddenly that musty old document written by musty old white men will matter again!)

[Tony]

I have views on executive authority on war and I have views on which party is a better steward of our government, however many flaws it may have.

[Reality]

And you change them liberally, based on who is in office.

[Otis B. Driftwood]

You have ZERO views on executive authority; you only live to serve the TEAM. Which is why you cannot answer a simple question about your "views".

[Tony]

What do you want to know?

[Cyto]

What is the air speed velocity of a fully laden swallow?

[Otis B. Driftwood]

This is, of course, exactly where I was heading. But I wanted to make the question as succinct, direct, and unambiguous as possible in hopes that the vapid partisan hack would at least make an attempt to answer it. Sadly, I failed.

[jcw]

this joke is way over my head.

[Citizen X - #6]

Trust me, no it's not.

[Unlabelable MJGreen]

Having things to do away from an Internet comments section is meant to be embarrassing, I think.

[Reality]

With that shitty resume of yours, and that worthless fucking degree, you'll never have to worry about it.

Now pour my fucking latte and shut up.

[Unlabelable MJGreen]

I am hurt that you only used that name for a day.

[Reality]

No, you're hurt that I'm right.

[Half-Virtue, Half-Vice]

Wait which one am I? Can white men have identity groups besides shitlord?

[Fist of Etiquette]

These are the costal elites we all labor under.

Someone just got disinvited to his next cocktail party.

[Rufus The Monocled]

He'll have ENB talk them into reinviting him.

I wouldn't worry.

[Half-Virtue, Half-Vice]

She's a deep cover mole, man. You think those undercover cops want to be shooting blow and banging ho? Nah, that's just what it takes to get the scoops.

[Jerryskids]

I assumed he meant Costco elites. Snooty bastards with their box wine and their 5-pound cans of pretzels.

[Half-Virtue, Half-Vice]

Jared Kushner is being sent back to the Middle East to restart peace talks between Israel and Palestine. No doubt he will be able to bring this long conflict to a quick and satisfying end.

Which person living or dead do you think could actually make this happen?

[Jerryskids]

If there's one thing the Jews and the Palestinians can get together and agree on, it's that Jared Kushner's a huge douchebag.

[Unicorn Abattoir]

Jimmy Carter did it with Israel/Egypt. But they were both willing parties back then.

[Eek Barba Durkle]

Jesus.

[Tony]

The ridiculousness of assigning a 30 year-old who bought his Harvard degree in pottery or whatever to solve the Middle East is the whole joke.

[Reality]

That would be like letting a creative writing major run the White House.

[Fist of Etiquette]

...New Jersey's beaches are being taken over by tent-toting 'maximalists', who're taking up more than their allotted space with barbeque grills, volleyball nets, and sprawling card games of Uno.

Well, stop voting him into office.

[KerryW]

Rats, beat me to it. Christie is the first thing I thought of upon seeing that headline.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Gotta get up pretty early in the afternoon to get one over on yours truly.

[Crusty Juggler]

Workers Are Going Galt

But as readers of this column have heard me say before, one of the big?perhaps the biggest?problem in the labor market today is that employers aren't willing to pay people enough to fill their open positions. And this is happening even as they must fill a record number of openings. Hiring today means you have to convince someone to leave their job, leave school, or get off the couch. And if the incentive isn't sufficiently large, it is hard to find a new employee.

It's not a long piece, so read it and count the errors, you lazy twats.

[Dillinger]

It's not a long piece

your incentive is not sufficiently large.

[Crusty Juggler]

Who am I, your father?

BOOOOOM!

[Reality]

You BOOMed yourself?

How sad.

[Agammamon]

99 months of unemployment benefits isn't helping them realign their expectations with reality.

[Unlabelable MJGreen]

Friday, time to get to the links I forgot to post this week. First: The Coen anthology series is coming to Netflix.

The Coen brothers are ready to embrace the world of Netflix. The filmmaking duo, who have avoided unconventional release methods for years now (though Netflix is so powerful it can't really be considered unconventional anymore), are officially joining the streaming platform, creating a Western anthology for it titled The Ballad of Buster Scruggs.

"We are streaming motherfuckers!" Joel and Ethan Coen said in a statement. (No, there was not a comma between "streaming" and "motherfuckers!")

Actor Tim Blake Nelson, who previously starred in the Coen brothers' folksy O Brother, Where Art Thou?, will play the titular Scruggs. The anthology will tell six stories about the American West and is set to arrive next year, produced by Annapurna Pictures. Megan Ellison and Sue Naegle of Annapurna will executive produce.

[Reality]

Why are you constantly posting off topic, film and tv related stupidity?

Oh right, it's the only thing you're qualified to discuss after wasting years and thousands.

[Agammamon]

And you're constantly stalking him.

If he's such a waste, what do you think that says about you?

[Crusty Juggler]

As you beachspread with your large group of friends,* encourage your woman** accessorize her bikini: Because no bikini is complete without one! Japanese company releases line of 'CROTCH charms' for women to dangle from their swimsuits between their legs

BoDivas, based in Tokyo, is offering the strange item, which they call the 'Beachtail' and describe as 'sexy charms for bikini crotch'.

The metallic charms are meant to be worn through the crotch of bikini bottoms, so the decorations dangle between a woman's legs.

*LIBERTARIANS DON'T HAVE FRIENDS
**OR WOMEN

[Anomalous]

I got yer crotch charm right here.

[Cyto]

I'll note two things.

First, they didn't manage to find any women willing to model the "jewelry".

Second, it looks very much like it is designed to make everyone on the beach take a double-take at the chick who has her tampon string hanging out.

[Half-Virtue, Half-Vice]

They also say alcohol sales at the supermarket could disturb "peace, order, and quiet" in the neighborhood and would remove store space that could otherwise be used for fresh fruits and vegetables. Some residents, it turns out, are even asking D.C. liquor officials to think about the children

I can't even. The Friday home stretch towards a news-less weekend is always the hardest.

[KerryW]

If people would buy more fruits and vegetables, I'm sure Safeway would make more shelf space for them.

[Dillinger]

peace order and quiet in DC is laughable.

[Unlabelable MJGreen]

Tim and Eric Are Dropping an Anniversary Episode of 'Awesome Show'

Take a break from sitting while you pee and grab some frood for your health, because Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim have big news: Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! is coming back.

Adult Swim is celebrating the ten-year anniversary of the wonderfully weird comedy show with Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! Awesome 10 Year Anniversary Version, Great Job?, a 30-minute special airing August 27. From the looks of the trailer, things are set to get just as strange as they always have. According to Adult Swim, we'll be getting a handful of new sketches and see some "familiar faces," so cross your fingers for a resurgence of Dr. Steve Brule.

Heidecker and Wareheim are also bringing back a new season of Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories, a slightly more fucked-up version of Awesome Show in which the stars play a host of weird characters in horrific situations. Rhea Perlman, Ray Wise, Jorge Garcia, Andre Royo, Sarah Sutherland, and Fred Willard are slated to guest star on the six-episode season, which returns to Adult Swim on September 10.

Time to load up Celery Man.

[Citizen X - #6]

+4d3d3d3

[jcw]

saw the anniversary tour show here in DC in July. Pretty damn hilarious.

Bedtime stories is a pretty fucked up show for sure.

[Stormy Dragon]

I never got how these two keep getting shows. None of them seemed funny at all to me.

[jcw]

That's kind of the point. Hard to explain.

[Stormy Dragon]

Please try. I doubt it will make me start liking them, but I would at least like to understand what people who do like them are seeing.

[Unlabelable MJGreen]

I saw a comment comparing them to Monty Python in the way that it hurts your brain, making you try to understand something nonsensical or absurd or illogical.

I don't get the lack of understanding. "Anti-comedy" is still just comedy. It upends your expectations for X A by giving you B. Sometimes B is totally random nonsense, but the concept's the same as a regular joke with a setup and punchline.

[Stormy Dragon]

For Monty Python, the B, while absurd, wasn't actually random nonsense. It was very carefully chosen nonsense.

If truly random nonsense qualifies as funny, then there's really no difference between bad comedy and good comedy.

[Unlabelable MJGreen]

Random nonsense, in a certain context, is funny, to some people. Reading a book is not funny. Andy Kaufman reading a book on stage while people expect him to do his famous bit is funny.

[Dillinger]

It was very carefully chosen nonsense.

and so, so delicious.

[Reality]

This is the kind of in depth analysis you wasted years and thousands to make.

While my dog can make the same after a big meal.

[Crusty Juggler]

Fun fact: there are those who don't share your comedic taste.

[Stormy Dragon]

There are comic acts I don't like, but I still see why other people find them funny.

Also, the fact the shows keep getting cancelled suggests the pool of people who don't share my comedic taste in this regard is rather small.

[Unlabelable MJGreen]

Cancellation is a good judge of a bad sitcom. Look at Arrested Development and Futurama.

Awesome Show had 5 seasons, a movie, and a spin-off series; I'm not sure it was cancelled or should be considered some failure, though it definitely has a relatively small audience. It's Adult Swim.

[Half-Virtue, Half-Vice]

Loads of shit shows get axed every year.

That said I still weep into my Browncoat.

[Reality]

"Cancellation is a good judge of a bad sitcom. Look at Arrested Development and Futurama"

You're not proving the point you think you're proving here.

[Dillinger]

i read that as absolutely hysterical

[Cyto]

See also Family Guy. He got canned twice, if I recall. Popular support brought him back, and now he has more money than he can reasonably spend, with multiple franchise shows.

[Ska]

Not a fan either. I just shrug and am content with my choice. Eric Andre is popular too. Its absurdity sometimes leads to funny awkward moments, but also not a fan of his show. And yet I still dig Aqua Teen and Sea Lab (off the top of my head). I guess I like a plot with my bizarre and absurd.

[Dillinger]

Aqua Teen and Sea Lab

these. also Harvey Birdman, Esq.

[Dillinger]

These are the costal elites we all labor under.

why Texas wins.

[Half-Virtue, Half-Vice]

Ginger haired emoji scheduled for a 2018 roll out. Now if we could only get one with freckles too

The only black skinned emoji is for the hand doing the 'OK' sign, i.e., the weed emoji. Is that racist?

[Half-Virtue, Half-Vice]

Move over 'manspreading', welcome to primetime 'beach-spreading'. According to the New York Times, New Jersey's beaches are being taken over by tent-toting 'maximalists', who're taking up more than their allotted space with barbeque grills, volleyball nets, and sprawling card games of Uno.

All those fake words made this paragraph totes unintelligible.

[Dillinger]

Now if we could only get one with freckles too.

never can there be enough freckles.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Ginger haired emoji scheduled for a 2018 roll out.

Sunblock emoji up next.

[Citizen X - #6]

Emoji of a guy wearing a long-sleeved shirt in the pool to follow.

[Reality]

Emoji of Citizen X nuthugging every DD post.

[Crusty Juggler]

UPDATE: Ex-Jeff coach charged with child seduction; second coach with obstructing justice

A 22-year-old Lafayette woman has been charged with two felony counts of child seduction, accused of having sex with a student in April.

Tippecanoe County prosecutors allege in documents filed Wednesday that Carlee Mae Barmby, a volunteer assistant coach for the boys volleyball team, had sexual intercourse at her home with a student athlete on the team she coached in early April.

The next day, she sent a photo of her exposed breasts, which also revealed her face, to the student, who allegedly showed the photo to another coach on the team, Alejandro Del Real, 20.

The monster has a pretty face.

Fun fact: The New York Post claims he was between 16 and 18.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Haven't we gotten to the point yet where the female involved is always the victim? What a backwards world we inhabit.

[Citizen X - #6]

You're gonna be in for a rough time when some zealous prosecutor finally thinks to subpoena your Google alerts and search history.

[Crusty Juggler]

I'd watch a movie called, Rough Time With A Zealous Prosecutor.

[Rich]

Wasn't "Zealous Prosecutor" your college nickname?

[Stormy Dragon]

He can't say due to the gag order.

[Half-Virtue, Half-Vice]

My god she's only 22.

Thanks for the black spiraling depression, Crust!

[Sevo]

"The monster has a pretty face."

Uh, did you have some non-cropped image?

[Crusty Juggler]

'Wolf of Wall Street' has got nothing on this raunchy firm: suit

The papers said the Tinton Falls office was "so sexually aggressive, morally repulsive, and unlawfully hostile that it is rivaled only by the businesses portrayed in the films 'Boiler Room' and 'The Wolf of Wall Street.'"

In one raunchy example of the alleged debauchery, owner Mark Mancino and manager Michael Hamill were described as regularly summoning a female sales representative to a private office by shouting out, "Wendy ? get your t-ts in here."

TW: There is an autoplay video of a tiny, chubby stripper having her way with a heavy, bearded man.

Also, there are women's voices in the background laughing, so maybe I am wrong: tits love that shit.

[gaoxiaen]

Where the Ludes at?

[BestUsedCarSales]

That video sounds like a clip from Twin Peaks more than anything.

[Crusty Juggler]

The first trailer for the In The Loop and Veep creator's Death of Stalin

[Crusty Juggler]

TW: They don't speak Russian.

[Half-Virtue, Half-Vice]

Socialists flee to your safe spaces!

[lap83]

Cool.

Speaking of Soviet themed satires, Comrade Detective was great

[Unlabelable MJGreen]

Excellent.

Jason Isaacs's general looks great.

[Dillinger]

did Loder recap The Dark Tower? I wanted to hear it was the best King adaptation ever.

[Don't look at me.]

Prepare to be disappointed.

[Dillinger]

aw. fucking up a King should carry consequences.

[pan fried wylie]

like implantation of a partially absorbed twin, or a wasting disease.

[Rich]

Jared Kushner is being sent back to the Middle East to restart peace talks between Israel and Palestine.

Shut up!

[Rich]

They also say alcohol sales at the supermarket ... would remove store space that could otherwise be used for fresh fruits and vegetables.

Oh, FFS! The *restrooms* could be used for fruits and vegetables, too!

[Brandybuck]

In my day we didn't need rollouts for emoji. We just used them, and if no one knew what they meant then that was there problem. 😛

[Eek Barba Durkle]

In my day, they were called emoticons, and only a few dozen of us knew what they were.

[Half-Virtue, Half-Vice]

Emoticon is this -- 🙂

Emoji is the cartoon smiley face of 🙂

[BestUsedCarSales]

And emojis have specific unique Unicode encodings rather than a combination of symbols.

[Diane Reynolds (Paul.)]

In my day, we called them smiley faces.

[pan fried wylie]

Personally, I'm looking forward to months-long deployment of inconsequential changes, especially if it slows the rate of software updates.

"Amazon Music to add new menu item under File, expected by xmas 2019, Stay Tuned!"

[Diane Reynolds (Paul.)]

Why would anyone go to a beach on the east coast? Especially in the Northeast? Sun rising over the ocean? It's just not natural.

[Cyto]

Sun rising over the ocean? It's just not natural.

Uhm.... I'm pretty sure it is natural. Kinda absolutely the definition of natural, in fact. Sun rises in the east, sets in the west. I'm thinking that pretty much exactly half of all beaches will be of one orientation, and half of the other, what with the earth being round and everything.

(as an aside, other than the west coast of Florida, all of the best beaches in the United States face east. The Alaska current really hurts the few decent beaches in SoCal.)

[pan fried wylie]

There's some beaches that run east-west, right? Not that anybody goes to the beach there, but Antarctica's coast faces north all the way round, doesn't it?

From reading on wikipedia about the effects continental migration has on the weather, I've wondered, with unlimited resources/tech, how an ideal-weather* planet might be arranged. Longitudinal strips of land and sea 300-500mi at their widest, tapering toward the poles, maybe with a spiral-twist around the axis of rotation?

*YMMV, my planet is going to have a lot of overcast days.

[BestUsedCarSales]

Sorry son, where I live (GOD'S COUNTRY) The sun rises over mountains.

[Jerryskids]

Sorry to all y'all, but where I live the Sun doesn't rise at all, it's just the rotation of the planet causing the horizon to drop toward the East that creates the illusion that the Sun revolves around the Earth. What universe are you guys from where you have stars that revolve around planets? Gravity doesn't work that way in this universe.

[SamHell]

Sprawling games of Uno on the beach? Fucking savages.

I guess at least it hasn't been invaded my Magic players crawling out of there basements into the sunlight, gathering into a sweaty unbathing mass of smugness.

[Lenise Williams]

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[SamHell]

No respectable witch would lower themselves to being a doctor, but I'm glad to here his spell worked and that you were able to enslaves your boyfriend.

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