Brickbats

Brickbat: Without a Paddle

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Canoe
Elena Elisseeva / Dreamstime.com

In Florida, a panel appointed by the Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission is considering whether to recommend that canoes, kayaks, and other water craft that don't require a motor to be licensed.

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  1. Do I need a license to float a biscuit?

    1. Look motherfucker, you even *dream* of floating a biscuit you better have the licensing fee in hand when you wake up.

    2. is it rubber?

        1. This is why I try to make sure that my diet is 99.44% pure. So that mine will always be Ivory biscuits, and I can be completely sure that they will indeed float.

          1. You shit out bars of soap? Do you have a manager?

  2. More moneymaking ideas from the Department of Shinplaster Appropriation

  3. One member of the panel said the revenue from the licensing of non-motorized boats could help secure federal grants and pay for law enforcement, search and rescue, and other expenses.

    “I would say it would be pretty darn reasonable: less than $20 a year,” William Griswold, a retired Coast Guard officer, told the paper.

    So, not really a citizen panel so much as a panel of special interests. I’m beginning to suspect this might not be about safety at all.

    1. “Nice river you got here – be a shame if anything was to happen to it.”

      1. yeah, the boys from the EPA could really fix that up for you…

    2. William Griswald…officially throws hat in the ring to be the new commissioner of paddling…COP!

      1. Paddling the school canoe… oh, you better believe that’s a paddlin’.

    3. I dream that one day I will develop super-powers. On that day, I will don my cape and tights and shoot that man in the face. Then I will hang a sign around his neck that says ‘Fuck off slavers.’

      People will be all ‘but that’s so out of proportion!’ ‘What about the NAP?’

      I will look down on them and reply – that man was trying to rob me.

    4. If it’s so fucking “reasonable” [DRINK!] William Griswold, you fucking pay it.

  4. “Water craft that don’t require a motor” sounds like alligators.

    1. From my conversations with Floridians, I gather that requiring a license to be an alligator would be quite a popular policy with them. Enforcement could be a challenge, however.

  5. Nobody NEEDS any sort of non-motorized craft!!! With a thing that goes up!!!! And assault-style paddles!!! MY GOD WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?!?!?

    1. Nobody NEEDS any sort of non-motorized craft!!! With a thing that goes up!!!!

      You mean a sail?

      And assault-style paddles!!!

      It’s only a trireme, those are standard capacity oar banks

      MY GOD WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?!?!?

      Children make terrible galley-slaves. Not enough endurance and upper-body strength.

      1. Not at all, and I don’t know where you’d get that impression. By “children,” I assume you are talking about the youngsters in the age group where misbehavior is considered legally a matter of school discipline, rather than that where misbehavior is considered legally a matter for the police and courts. The latter, with their puny limbs and squeaky voices, can indeed be quite limited in rowing prowess. The former tend to do quite well for themselves in that department; just ask Yale. (In a nonhurtful way, of course.)

        1. Don’t be silly, Ivy spores are too high-maintenence to be of any real value.

        2. In the modern US, there is no distinction made anymore..

          1. Aww, my bit didn’t land! I need to work on my delivery.

            1. If it makes you feel any better, I got it.

  6. All the suck-butts and the hangers-on and the parasites of Government Almighty need to be paddled, that is all… But I am paddle-less, all I have is a vote, I do NOT have the big $$$$ for bribes, oooops, I mean, campaign payola….

  7. I assume asset forfeiture comes into play. Get caught without a license and I imagine the warden or whatever will take the craft as well as anything that was in it. Fishing and/or camping gear. Backpack. Whatever they find. That’s where the money is at. Not in the licenses, but in selling the expensive gear that they steal.

    1. Who knows. They may even steal the automobile that the unlicensed criminal used to transport the craft to the waterway.

      1. It is done already.

    2. Sell it, keep it for departmental or personal use, it’s all good.

      1. There are portions of lakes under Native American jurisdiction. This is exactly how they operate. I have friends who have personal experience with this shakedown happening in New York state.

  8. So I should require a small motor be attached to my kayak but not use it so I won’t be a motor boat in order not to pay either tax

    1. No, but you should attach it and secretly turn it on in the middle of the Big Kayak Race (the one whose course has lots of out-of-sight twists and turns down the river) so that wacky hijinks might ensue.

      1. I smell a Meatballs sequel plot line!

        1. Cheating is OK if it saves the community center and redeems the kayak star turned crackhead.

  9. Have power. Must steal.

  10. This, THIS is the issue that will see me becoming a confirmed actor in civil disobedience. I won’t register my kayaks. In the past unarmed people have faced down cops and german sheperds — it may be my fate to paddle in still waters.

    1. Paddlin’ in still waters, that’s a paddlin’.

  11. Jesus fucking Christ. From the link, even the Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission bureaucrats, whom this revenue (and “secured Federal grants”) is claimed to benefit, has spoken out to denounce this fee. Either they are run by shockingly decent men, or they know they’re actually not likely to see a dime of this money that’s being collected by the state in their name.

    1. This proposal has bubbled up several times over the years; it’s nothing new. But I’m afraid that SOMEday……….

      Florida. They used to register boats with only over 10hp motors; not it’s all motors. You used to not need a license to fish in saltwater. Regulation and registration is almost always a one-way street.

    2. Coming from a state that doesn’t require registration of kayaks and canoes, I’ve run into trouble with licensing laws when paddling in a state that does require it. You can register in your own state before you travel, register in their state, or pay a fine if you don’t and get caught.

      I’ve read that some states are rethinking registration and some have already overturned registration laws because the administrative costs exceed the collected fees. That may be why Florida’s own Fish & Game don’t support expanded registration.

      Last I checked the only states requiring non-motorized boats to register are Alaska, Oklahoma, Minnesota, Iowa, Illinois, Ohio and Pennsylvania.

  12. If revenue raising schemes is your concern, say no more.

  13. Thanks for the brickbat. I’m off to call my representative.

  14. I actually read the link. They’d like to pay for more spending so they suggest taxing canoes.

  15. I dont care if its 1 fucking dollar. It is another bullshit law i have to comply with and waste my fucking time and another way for them to fine me 200 fucking dollars.

    And if its only 20 fucking dollars i can tell you its costing tax payers money. 20 dollars won’t cover admin costs and it will be a net loss program and permits are the worst way to raise money.

    Its just a way to troll people.

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