Hit & Run

Brickbat: Happy Crack


Kool-Aid Man
Ted & Dani / CC BY

Nine students at South Carolina's Eagles Nest Elementary School were suspended after they were caught with Kool-Aid powder mixed with sugar, which they called "happy crack." School officials say that any substance that looks like an illegal drug is banned on campus.

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  1. Administrators at the district office say possession of any substance, whether illegal or not, that looks like an illegal substance is a violation of a school policy, stating the following:

    "No student will market or distribute any substance which is represented to be or is substantial similar in color, shape, size or markings of a controlled substance in any of the circumstances listed above. Look-alike substance or substances that mimic the effect of drugs will be treated as illegal substances."

    It is a level three offense and constitutes criminal conduct under the JICH, a South Carolina code of laws.

    "A" South Carolina code of laws? Not only drugs but items that could be interpreted by authorities as looking like drugs is illegal in SC? That tidbit seems like it warrants some followup.

    1. Hide those M.

        1. Goddammit. Fuck this British English software. M.

          1. M and fucking M's


          2. I didn't know paranoid stripping of anything that looks like a HTML entity was a British thing.

            ? test

            1. Hmm.


              1. Okay.

                Real HTML entities work.

                What looks like one but isn't, is stripped.

                Therefore, you need to type M&?amp;Ms for it to appear as M&Ms.

                1. (a crappy hack, sort of)

  2. Power is the most dangerous drug of all.

    1. ^^ this.

    2. Just ask Bender!

  3. The school tried to expell students for possession of home made pixie sticks because they can't be sure it isn't an illegal drug? Can they tell the difference between Play-Doh and C4, a knife and a spoon, their ass and their head?

    1. well yes they can because, one's the body part that they insert into the other body part every morning!

    2. Maybe it was just a matter of time. Anything that "resembles" a drug that is actually illegal, or that you are possessing with the "intent" to get you high, is itself illegal. Vaping is taxed and banned as a threat to public health because it resembles smoking. You get convicted of "structuring" for trying to obey Federal banking disclosure laws. So naturally, when school authoritahs idiotically mistake something innocent for something dangerous, it becomes not a humiliation for them but for the littluns. Really not that all that weird in perspective.

      1. You sound like someone who wants to violently overthrow the government. Off to Gitmo with you.

  4. I don't see how that picture of Andy Reid has any relation to this story.

    1. Uncanny, really.

      Thanks for pointing that out.

  5. OT: The ENB article from yesterday king of sent me down a social media hole for a bit this morning and left me with two revelations. 1) ENB is sexier than I remember and 2) did you Rico has a wife?! And a very pretty one at that. My estimation of the towheaded fop has risen considerably.

    1. *kind

    2. *did you know

    3. Link or doesn't exist.

      1. Nah, I wouldn't place pictures of the staff's family in this den of vipers. Just search ENB's Twitter feed photos. Robby with a pretty dark haired girl. I couldn't believe it myself.

        1. I enjoy, at least as spectator, the national Reason commenter sport of giving Robby shit as much as the next guy does. But I'm not quite getting why it would be the least bit surprising that he would have a hot wife. He gives the piss-takers so much material to work with, but this particular bit just doesn't seem to land for me.

          1. Robby's framed as effeminate, unmasculine and "beta", so him having a hot wife would surprise some people. It doesn't surprise me, I mean, look at his hair.

            1. I mean, look at his hair.

              Exactly. Robby is foppish. He is the particular subtype of prep who probably has an expensive skincare regimen, an eye for the most flattering cut of button-down, an aerobic-intensive workout routine, and a tiny dog with hair just as lustrous as his. He probably got his share of (fabulous, glossy) swirlies from the "jock" prep subtype back in his day, but anyone who figures the Robbys of the world would have trouble attracting women must have never gone to college or lived in a city as a young adult.

              Anyone who actually is so far up their own ass with assembling a Grand Unified Theory of "Beta"ness that they think a Robby would have trouble finding a hot wife really needs to snap the fuck out of it. I rant out of frustration with a relative of mine who has been buying into that shit lately.

      2. Hell, just hit up Robby's Facebook page.

  6. We laughed when George Carlin said beer was a "gateway drug." It appears that Koolaid is now a gateway drug.

    1. I must have missed that particular routine. Do you know where I can find it?

      1. in a bar down the street...

        1. The carlin routine, not the beer.

          1. with enough beer even he was funny...

    2. In Guyana it's the gateway to the Stairway to Heaven, or People's Temple..

  7. So all white powder and dried plant material is out?

    1. Better keep those chalkboard trays free from any chalk powder.

      Is that oregano on that cafeteria pizza... or drugs!?!?

      1. The nutmeg on the tapioca pudding has the unusual honor of being both innocent foodstuff and illicit drug.

        1. While the Tapioca itself has the dubious honor of having become an eldritch abomination.

  8. Do the cops know that flour, salt, and sugar might be lurking in the cafeteria?

    1. in the form of pie & donuts, they'll need to take it back to the station for further examination...

      1. +1 John Belushi powdered sugar donut

      2. As opposed to the weed edibles, which they'll just eat there in front of the cameras like a bunch of retards.

  9. Do they still make pixie stix?

    Or that stuff that was powdered candy in a pouch and you'd stick a piece of chalk (or something completely tasteless) into the pouch and then lick off?

    1. not going there, I promise...tee'd up way to high!

      1. Sugar buzzes are now illegal?

      2. You'da just gone under it.

        1. or down on it as the case may be...

    2. Those were sugar sticks (as opposed to the sugar with a little flavor added that you stuck it in); the candy, made by the same "Willy Wonka" folks that made the Pixys, was called Fun Dip and the sticks Lik-a-Stix; and I think they are still around, although I get the feeling these kinds of things are more specialty-store and online specialties nowadays than the kind of thing you can pick up at the corner bodega. Not that I've really looked for it in a while.

      There have always been the kids who snort that shit at every school. But back in the day, everyone else would be entertained but all but a couple copycats would come away thinking, "What a fucking clown," and the chain would end there. Nowadays, just like we have computer viruses now that we have the Internet, this and every dumb idea can become an international phenomenon. We have just one big fucking worldwide schoolyard now, for better (mostly) but also for worse.

  10. Better not have any loose Sweeta near the coffee in the teacher's lounge.

  11. This article is not very clear; was it the Kool-Aid, or the sugar that is illegal?
    Or are they only illegal when mixed?

    1. It's like caffeine and alcohol: Apart, the innocent accoutrements of recreation; together, a deadly menace preying on our children.

  12. So, young children that really have no idea what illegal substances are or what they look like are banned from having anything that looks like....oh fuck.

    "There's no way to rule innocent men. The only power any government has is the power to crack down on criminals. Well, when there aren't enough criminals, one makes them. One declares so many things to be a crime that it becomes impossible for men to live without breaking laws." - Rand

    1. Not that it takes anything away from your point, nor the valuable insight from Marvel's Danny "Iron Fist," but those tots totally fucking knew what they were doing. Or rather, they knew halfway, with familiarly amusing consequences. That is why they thought "crack" is a powder. They probably think girls get pregnant from wrestling boys with their shirts off or something. You remember that age.

      Once upon a time discovering the munchkins with this colorfully-named contraband would have been something for faculty to speak very sternly to the kids about and then laugh their asses off about in the teachers' lounge. Nowadays, of course, the greatest ban of all is that against common sense and moderation.

    2. That's what DARE programs are for, to illuminate the dark underbelly of drugs to our poor little suburban snowflakes

  13. Kool-Aid powder mixed with sugar,

    What is Kool-Aid powder made of?


    1. are you sure?

      1. Well, they do make packets that do not include the sugar, so those would just be some color and flavor additives plus an anti-caking agent.

        1. OH! and citric acid, can't forget that.

          1. Unsweetened Kool-Aid! Didn't even know that shit existed, but indeed it does--and at retail too! It sounds like something that would've been quietly phased out a long time ago. Wonder what purpose it ever served. From now on, only unsweetened for me; I want to do my part to keep this product alive! (Me and the junior-high punks who are apparently keeping it '80s-real after all these years.)

        2. a la Soylent Green....KOOL-AID is PEOPLE!!!!!

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