Free-Range Kids

You Are Neither Old Enough Nor Young Enough to Enter Legoland Alone

Children must be accompanied by adults and adults must be accompanied by children.

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Legoland
Screenshot via Warner Bros / Youtube

Here are the admission rules for Toronto's Legoland:

Please note: Children 17 and under must be accompanied by an adult supervisor 18 years of age or older. Adults (18+) will not be admitted without a child, with the exception of Adult Only Nights.

So when you are 17 and 364 days old, you need an adult with you, because you are still a baby. But the day you turn 18, you need a kid with you, because otherwise you might be a pervert.

Nice.

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  1. I wanna know what goes on in there during “adult only” nights.

    1. There’s a lot of coupling lego pieces.

    2. That was my first question, too.

    3. Two words: Lego dildos.

      1. Each ticket to legoland gets you 50% off X-rays at the hospital!

        1. This reminds me. In my area, the hospital used to offer kids free x-rays on Halloween.
          Then the killjoys decided it was a cancer risk.

          1. Shoe stores used to do that. It was in fact a huge cancer risk.

      2. Gives new meaning to the term “studs-up.” Nomsayin?

      3. One word: Legdos.

        1. Yeah, that’s not a good word. They tend to break apart once things get going. Or – so I’ve heard.

    4. Great minds think alike; I was going to post a comment along the same lines as yours.

  2. In their defense, if you are going to lego land as an adult without kids, you are some kind of freak-loser-douche

    1. Why did that rule not apply to the Lego Movie then?

    2. Yeah, totally. *begins to slowly unpack luggage and look into ticket return policies as a solitary tear rolls down my face.

    3. Yeah, totally. *begins to slowly unpack luggage and look into ticket return policies as a solitary tear rolls down my face.

    4. That’s MISS* Freak-Loser-Douche to you, ass-face.

      *Until I get married, anyway.

      1. Then its Mrs Freak-Loser-Douche-Nozzle?

    5. Honestly, I don’t know about the Toronto Lego Land, but the one in San Diego is not anything that an adult would enjoy. All the rides are kiddie rides. Even my 10 year old was pretty bored. (4 and 7 yr olds loved it).

      1. The water park is disgusting.

        I stayed in the Sheraton that has its own entrance, and my wife and I fought over who got to take the baby back to the room for nap time.

        1. That’s disheartening to hear. My kids have that on their Summer Bucket List as one of the things they want to do. Sigh.

          If you want a fun time, the Great Wolf Lodge is closer to LA (Garden Grove) and in all ways that count (i.e. availability of booze) probably better. The down side is that you have to stay there the night to get access to the water park. But this restricted the number of people, and made it a nice stay-cation.

          1. Later in the summer, I’m doing the waterpark in Palm Springs. It’ll be 110 or hotter. No shoes, no shirts, no towels, no crowds. Good food out there, and good margaritas.

            I’m saving GWL for the winter since it’s indoors. I assume the rates will come down somewhat.

            My kids are really excited about the bunk beds. WTF. They have bunk beds at home.

        2. When did you go, Playa? I was there two years ago and the water park was pretty awesome then. Maybe it went downhill.

          1. Opening weekend for the wave pool expansion. So, Memorial day 2 or 3 years ago.

            Some kid dropped a giant lego oil tanker on my bare foot near the wave pool, and it was just gushing blood. I tracked down the first aid guys because I though it was the right thing to do. I know I’m disease free, but other people don’t.

            They absolutely didn’t give a fuck that I was bleeding into the wave pool. It makes me wonder what else they let slide.

  3. Sounds like “Toronto’s LEGOLAND” is really just a cover for a NAMBLA recruitment center.

  4. I don’t find this particularly onerous or weird.

    Why, you may ask?

    We have a local attraction in Oakland CA called Children’s Fairyland. It has been there for decades, and was one of the main inspirations for Disney’s Fantasyland.

    Adults are not allowed in without children.

    The concern is not child molesters – I’m pretty confident the original concern was hippies taking drugs and hanging out in “Fantasyland” and ruining it for the youngins’ it was built for.

    It’s private property, and if this is the policy that keeps the place kid-friendly and not a party place for an Occupy Rally, then it’s their right to have that policy.

    1. Since when are Legos for kids only? I’d bet almost 0% of the displays were built by children.

      1. I don’t think fairy tales are just for kids, either, but Children’s Fairyland, by choice of its owners, is.

        1. Adult Fairyland is down the turnpike, and has a great lunch buffet. Bring some ones.

          1. They call it “Tenderloin”

      2. No kidding Kids suck at legos.

        1. No matter how much I yell at my 1 year old, he doesn’t seem to get any better at it.

          1. Try beatings. I find pain is much a better motivator than persuasion.

    2. Not wierd to me either. There are indoor playgrounds (not lego-oriented) that cater to parents with small children, and they universally have the same policy. This is standard policy for these places.

    3. Interestingly enough, Fantasyland at Disney is mostly adults on mushrooms.

      1. Interestingly enough, Fantasyland at Disney is mostly adults on mushrooms.

        And, interestingly enough, they know it. Opposite business strategy. Disneyland is under aggressive surveillance, every inch of the park, at all times, and you are never more than about 50 feet from an armed guard in a cartoon character suit.

        If you start to wig, they are prepared and you will be whisked away before anyone really notices you.

        OTOH, if you’re not bothering anyone, they just leave you alone.

        I used to go quite frequently in various hallucinogenic states (like a big acid playground), and I remember being in line for the skyrail behind some hippies in the early 90s who were being extremely obvious – like caricatures of hippies on mushrooms. The guys put them in the car, kicked them off and pointedly said “have a nice trip!” and busted up laughing at the sudden looks of utter panic on their faces as they glided away.

        1. you are never more than about 50 feet from an armed guard in a cartoon character suit.

          Why would anyone put themselves in such a terrifying situation?

          1. Why would anyone put themselves in such a terrifying situation?

            That’s part of why I stopped going (in addition to price and having moved Up North) – their mastery of crowd-control and creepy-surveillance-state-style manipulation took my thoughts in disturbing directions.

            Underneath the shit-eating grins and dancing rainbow fairies is something very, very ugly.

            1. That, and it got way too fucking expensive.

              I had a season pass when my 8 year old was a toddler. The price has more than doubled.

              Plus, I really don’t care for the largest parking lot in North America. It takes a half hour to get to the front gate.

              1. That, and it got way too fucking expensive.

                That really is the main thing. Although I can’t say I blame them. They were saying sometime in the late 90s or early 00s that they literally couldn’t find the price point that would keep the park from filling to capacity every day and leave them turning away thousands.

                OTOH, I can’t make it square with my youthful experience from the 70s – when they still had tickets for the rides, admission was like $2, and then when they went to unlimited rides, they raised the price to $7, which seemed ridiculous, but you got unlimited rides.

                In those days, you could ride every single ride in the park in one day. The very longest wait was for the Matterhorn, which might push 30 minutes. When Space Mountain opened you might wait 45 minutes, which was considered beyond the pale.

                Now you pay $100 just to walk into the place, and you can ride maybe 6 rides in a day if you plan carefully. Why anyone bothers anymore, I don’t know.

                1. For some people, being in the park is enough.

                  Not me.

            2. their mastery of crowd-control and creepy-surveillance-state-style manipulation took my thoughts in disturbing directions.

              Underneath the shit-eating grins and dancing rainbow fairies is something very, very ugly.

              This is why I would never trip on mushrooms at Disneyland.
              In general I think it’s a bad idea to be on mushrooms anywhere where there there is a high risk of getting caught, just because it would fuck up your head to have the nagging worry in the back of your mind. You want to do them places where you are surrounded by people who are also on drugs (i.e. Burning Man), or in a wilderness area, park, nature preserve where you can be alone.

              1. In general I think it’s a bad idea to be on mushrooms anywhere where there there is a high risk of getting caught, just because it would fuck up your head to have the nagging worry in the back of your mind.

                It actually did a pretty good job of curing me of that. The first time we did it, as it started coming on I sank into a bench in New Orleans Square thinking “holy shit, what have we done? We’re in fucking Disneyland in the middle of a huge crowd of people, tripping balls, and I don’t even remember how to get out of here.”

                Then I thought, “that way lies doom,” so I just sucked it up and said “Pirates?” The rest of the day was a blast and we eventually realized that, as I noted above, they really don’t care as long you keep up appearances.

          2. When there’s gunfire, Goofy runs towards it. Hero.

  5. Yeah, I don’t have an issue with over-18s not allowed without a kid, but I am confused why you can’t drop a few 12-year-olds there for a few hours. 12-year-olds are pretty big.

    1. I am confused why you can’t drop a few 12-year-olds there for a few hours. 12-year-olds are pretty big.

      That does seem a bit excessive, but who knows their reasoning? I can think of reasons for not wanting unsupervised bands of 12-year-olds wandering around my property. Will they spend more than they will cost in damage? It may be a business decision.

        1. So much can be blamed on insurance.

          How long, do you figure, before we live in an insurance-based dictatorship? Insurarchy?

          1. And there are a few people on here who push for it.

            Thinking businesses should be required to have insurance to cover any theoretically possible damage they could cause.

        2. First we kill all the lawyers.

    2. Because they aren’t a daycare, and they don’t want to be saddled with the responsibility (and liability) involved with supervising other people’s children.

      If the parents are around and the kids start misbehaving, you just tell the parents to take their kids and leave.

  6. and adults must be accompanied by children.

    If I go in as an adult, do the children have to be mine? Asking for a friend.

    1. +1 vegetarian shark

    2. Take yours, and then trade up for some better kids.

      1. If they throw in a better wife, I might go for that deal.

        1. That might be what happens on 18 and over night.

          There’s a giant bowl, and you put your car keys in….

        2. I really don’t think there is such a thing.

    3. I do not believe so. Otherwise it would exclude grandparents and nannies.

    4. Yours as in your biological children or yours as in your legally-owned orphan property?? Since libertarian, I guess the latter.

      1. But wait, what sensible libertarian would take their orphans to somewhere fun when they could be working??

        1. I’ll have you know I treat my orphan slaves tremendously well. Why just this morning I allowed one of them a second helping of gruel.

        2. Why, to pick pockets, of course.

        3. All libertarians are independently wealthy! /prog

        4. Its so much better to take them somewhere fun . . . and then make then stand around and wait on you.

    5. So, when you’re on trial for kidnapping, can you say Legoland’s draconian policy made you do it?

  7. If you enter with a child do they let you leave without one?

    1. If you enter without a child, do they let you leave with one?

      1. No.
        I’m humorless today.

          1. I’m actually hilarious in person, most of the time.

          2. I feel your pain, Hazel.

      2. At my local Adventureplex, they have matching wristbands.

  8. Unrelated question, what are the age of consent laws in Canada?

  9. This post is so short and incomplete it actually reads better as Lenore’s attempt at poetry.

  10. As a single adult who is unlikely to have a family, I worry about rules like this. Not because I particularly want to go to Legoland, but because it could easily spread to “family-oriented” things I actually like, and because busybody douchebags are good at expanding definitions of things like “family-oriented” to whatever the hell they want.

    150 years from now: “I’m sorry sir, the Grand Canyon has been classified as a family fun destination. For the sake of THE CHILDREN, please remain at least 20 miles away until you have small humans of your own accompanying you.”

    1. I am also a single adult (at least age-wise), and I too am worried about rules like this. A Legoland could be opening just miles from where I live, and damnit why can’t I go and have some fun?

      I hope we do not reach a point where adults are kept out of parks; parks are where I do some of my best work.

      1. They have adult-only nights.

        1. It’s just not the same without hearing a child’s laughter.

          1. Didn’t know you were into humiliation.

            1. He has a list of things he is into. Go ahead, ask. I double dog dare you.

      2. We’re already at the point where unaccompanied adult *men* are under suspicion if they’re in a park.

    2. That is family gentrification. It also reeks of terrorism.

    3. Or some “evangelical conservative”* Churches unless you are lookin for a wife.

      * dose not apply to reformed and confessional churches who know the Church is about proclaiming Christ and him crucified for our sin and raised for our justification to all people and not a family facilitation center.

  11. Note to self-

    Set up “Rent a Kid” kiosks next to Legolands nationwide…

    1. Kidbox!

    2. I have heard that you can hire a handicapped person to accompany you to Disneyland so that you don’t have to wait in lines.

      Would this violate child labor laws, though?

      1. The handicapped person doesn’t have to be a child for line-jumping purposes.

        1. My antecedents failed – I meant would the “rent-a-kid” violate child labor laws. If not, renting a handicapped kid might go at a premium . . .

          1. Just throw a helmet on your kid and teach him to lie.

            T-shirts from Make A Wish Foundation are a nice touch.

    3. Money-making opportunity: rental midget in olde-timey sailor suit!

  12. OMWC hit hardest.

    Speaking of our third-favorite sicko, I haven’t seen him around.

    1. He changed handles. Renegade.

      He’s pretending that he doesn’t like kids now.

      1. I was wondering about that. Thanks.

      2. ah – thanks!

      3. Ah, so.

  13. They are responding to the market. Not many parents want to take their children to indoor playgrounds where a single adult who is not a parent can enter freely and mingle with young children.

    Many daycares will not even allow parents to enter the facility to get a child, their child will be brought to the door to be picked up.

    It’s really a perfectly understandable security precaution. It helps ensure that nobody is going to be leaving with a child except the adult that arrived with them. It ensures that children’s parents are always present so that the owners are protected from liability and arent involved in babysitting or disciplining the kids.

    1. If LEGOland had experienced a rash of child abductions, I suppose this policy would make sense.

      However, this may be a direct response to a widely circulated internet hoax.

      1. No, it’s liability.

        Teenagers misbehave, and they’ll get the fuck sued out of them if they:

        A) Kick them out of the park
        or
        B) Try to detain them

        1. I know. Haven’t these people been to a Chuck E. Cheese’s in the past decade?

          1. I go just for the pizza.

            1. Tou really are a crusty juggler.

            2. Your a monster.

              1. That is the stuff of nightmares.

          2. Chuck E. Cheese won’t let my kids concealed carry. Fuck them.

      2. Whether it’s rational or not, many adults with small children would feel uncomfortable allowing their young child to play there if there are creepy adults hanging around. And many people would think that an 18 year old that wants to play with legos would be creepy. Maybe some sort of exception could be made for kids with mental disabilities, but a normal 18 year old that wants to go play with legos with a bunch of 3 year olds in a play center would be regarded as strange.

        Again, they are responding to the market.

        1. ^ This is definitely a thing, too.

          Right or wrong, there is a lot of hysteria about random child abduction, and parents will demand these things, necessary or not.

        2. I know they are responding to the market – but a single dude looking at Legos is automatically creepy? That has more to do with paranoia on the part of those parents than anything to do with the guy’s actions.

    2. Its *not* a ‘perfectly understandable security precaution.

      How many kids were snatched from Disneyland/world/Knott’s Berry Farms when we were growing up? No one was snatched from the local water park. Kids weren’t snatched from the local pool.

      And its *safer today* than it was when we were growing up.

      You’re still more likely to have your kid molested by your own brother than a stranger on the internet. The baby’s daddy is more likely to snatch it an run than Chester the Molester.

  14. I stayed at the Disney resort in Hawaii last summer.

    It was a little creepy how many adults were there without kids; especially the ones posing for pictures with Minnie Mouse at the brunch.

    The hotel was full of people with Michael Jackson syndrome.

    1. I would suspect many of those adults *may* have had older children and let them wander off on their own.

      1. I think you underestimate how many adults embrace things marketed toward children.

        1. Arrested development is a real thing.

          1. Aren’t kids movies full of adults, some of whom are surely not stoned?

            1. HEY! ‘UP’ is a damn awesome film.

      2. No. Young couples. This was a frequent topic of conversation with my wife.

        1. Look, why do you keep trying to throw cold water on my attempt to hook up with other people’s children?

    2. I am with you. I think it is creepy as hell. Grow the fuck up. If you can’t share it with a kid, why are you there?

    3. I see more adults with Disney clothing on than kids around here. I think its weird how many adults are really, really into Disney.

      1. Doesn’t seem so weird to me. The first generation raised on Disney movies is finally old enough to have their own children, who they will also raise on Disney everything. It’s a vicious Disney-cycle.

        1. At Disney nobody fucks with the mouse.

    4. I know a chick who’s about a year older than me that wants a Disney Princess wedding. In the stupid fucking castle in Disneyworld. Good luck to whoever gets saddled with that prairie harpy.

      1. good lord. I wouldn’t be able to run away fast enough.

      2. All theme weddings are strange.

      3. There’s a clinical term for that. Retarded.

    5. Went earlier this year on a Disney cruise with the wife and daughter. Lots and lots of adults with no kids in the lines for the characters. Lots and lots of adults with no kids all over the place (seriously! why would you go on a Disney cruise if not for kids! There aren’t even any casinos on board!)

      1. Casinos are for old people.

    6. One of my friends has been trying to arrange a Disney Princess meal for his daughters for years; various events have always intervened. Both of the girls are now well into adulthood but they (all three) are determined to finally make this happen. So, not necessarily creepy.

      1. Both of the girls are now well into adulthood but they (all three) are determined to finally make this happen.

        Go on…

      2. One of my friends has been trying to arrange a Disney Princess meal for his daughters for years;

        Finally answering the question of whether Snow White or Cinderella tastes better.

        1. Cinderella. Snow White’s been used seven times.

        2. Depends on prep method.

    7. Disney has been marketing to Single and no couple without children for some time or you do think that before pounding the keyboard.

      1. That sentence made my brain hurt.

        1. You don’t remember Pleasure Island?

        2. You should check out its blog.

          1. English as a fifth language isn’t pretty.

    8. I have an acquaintance who leaves her kids and husband in Sacto, and comes down to Anaheim to spend the week at Disneyland. By herself. I asked her sister if she was hooking up with a dude, or random dudes; but no. She really likes Disney stuff, and Disneyland is where she goes to recharge her soul. It’s pretty weird.

      1. She’s definitely at a crackhouse on Harbor Blvd.

        1. You never heard of the Disney Bukkake Club?

          1. Pics?

  15. This has nothing to do with pedophiles. This is about not having the place ruined by a bunch of noxious college students or worse hipsters. That is what this is about. It goes without saying that this is a private entity and should be able to set whatever rules they want. Beyond that, there are few things more justifiable than discriminating against hipsters.

    They just want their business to be hipster free and cater to parents and children not overgrown children pretending to be adults.

    1. Youthfulness is noteworthy most especially when it is least expected.

  16. I just want to pop a couple of viagra and wander around a kid’s amusement park alone. Why does Lego have a problem with that?

    1. You could at least wear pants, you know.

  17. Ancestral juxtaposing to breach the inferno of sharp-cornered glossy humdrum?

  18. I need a ruling. Has Skenazy successfully composed the most spurious article to grace Hit ‘n Run?

    1. What about the Beyonce article?

    2. If guilty, Lenore’s peccadillo warrants an afternoon in the Park of John.

      A gloomy threadbare jaunt through downbeats cricketing hollowly under a waning sun of wrinkled grim children hunched inside immovable chariots speckled with rust and monotony. Flickering hazes feebly spilling the odd color under gaunt neon signs. Wafting paint crackling from the walls of toy shops… blurred limping shadows plying concoctions behind everywhere abandoned.

      1. Prose sir, prose. Do not attempt more than 50. LD 50.

  19. I think Reason is off on this one. The probable reason, as I look at some pictures on Google, is a lot of the play area are kid size and friendly. on Toronto Legoland rightfully do not want a grown adult competing with a young child at the play table.

    Toronto Legoland could try to be more adult separating display from the play area.

    1. I like you. Do you like me?

      [ ] Yes

      [ ] No

      [ ] Maybe

  20. Just waiting for some enterprising kids to start up a Rent-A-Child service.

      1. Yeah but the only franchises are in Syria and Iraq.

        1. Don’t worry, they are starting branches everywhere.

      2. ISIS runs one.

        #bringourgirlsback#letusinlegoland

  21. Personally, I think the rule is a good idea in this case. I’ve been to the San Diego Legoland several times with my young nephews. 95% of its content is aimed at kids ages 4 to 12. An unaccompanied 17-year-old has basically just put down $100 to look at some Lego reproductions of famous cities for half an hour, because there’s nothing else to do.

    It is very much a parents-with-little-kids park, and the best one I’ve seen to date.

  22. What is the child to accompanying adult ratio? Can parents of one child go, or does it have to be one child per adult? Can a group of 20 adults go if they have one kid? A group of 19 adults could just go to the ghetto and offer $50 for a mom and kid to come to Legoland with them, problem solved.

  23. uptil I saw the paycheck four $4289 , I have faith that my mom in-law could actualie bringing in money part-time at there computar. . there sisters neighbour had bean doing this 4 only about thirteen months and by now paid for the mortgage on there condo and bought a brand new Alfa Romeo .????????? http://www.factoryofincome.com

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