Hillary Clinton Wins Puerto Rico, Ohio Prosecutor to Decide on Charges in Gorilla Incident, Swiss Voters Reject Basic Universal Income: A.M. Links

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  • Terry McAuliffe celebrating Clinton win in Puerto Rico
    MSNBC

    Hillary Clinton won the Puerto Rico primary. The Bernie Sanders campaign accused local officials of fraud.

  • A photojournalist and a translator working for NPR were killed in Afghanistan.
  • A prosecutor in Ohio will announce today whether he will press charges against the family of a child who fell into a gorilla pit at the Cincinnati Zoo.
  • A prosecutor in Michigan says he won't call a parrot to testify in a murder case.
  • Voters in Switzerland rejected a basic universal income.
  • The government of Luxembourg will spend $223 million on initiatives related to asteroid mining.
  • Researchers say King Tut had a dagger from outer space.
  • The Golden State Warriors defeated Cleveland by more than 30 points to take a 2-0 lead in the NBA Finals.

NEXT: Weldon Angelos Is Free, Thanks to a Prosecutor, Not a President

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  1. The Bernie Sanders campaign accused local officials of fraud.

    That’s how you win elections.

    1. Someday, when all your civilization and science are swept away, your kind will pray for a man with a sword.

    2. I love the sudden outrage on political corruption from Bern Victims now that Grandpa Gulag is getting shafted. Never mind the libertarians have had their complaints for several years now…

      1. Grandpa Gulag IS CATCHING ON!

        Remember, a lousy Canadian came up with it.

        1. I dropped it on a few libertarian friends down here in the Bluegrass. They absolutely love it.

          1. Nothing gratifies me more than pleasing people I don’t know.

            /wipes tear.

      2. Yeah, there’s an old joke. My grandfather voted Republican until the day he died, then he started voting for democrats.

        1. Badoom-tish!

      3. Grandpa Gulag!!

        LOVE IT!

        What about Abuela? Can you think of something for her please?

          1. Grandma Grifter?

        1. Who am I? John Swartzwelder?

        2. Abuela Abominable

    3. Hello.

      “Hillary Clinton won the Puerto Rico primary.”

      Pretty sure that’s racist.

    4. Is election fraud a right wing myth? Who knew Bernie was part of the vast right conspiracy

      1. *right WING conspiracy**
        No coffee, Monday, grumble-grumble

      2. PHONEY SKANDAL!!111!@!!11

  2. A prosecutor in Michigan says he won’t call a parrot to testify in a murder case.

    Looks like the forensics expert can go out to lunch with his wife that day, after all.

    1. Ever try to cross-examine a parrot? It takes many crackers.

      1. Yeah, I get it, most lawyers are white.

        1. And most parrots are pretty racist.

    2. How I would love to hear a lawyer and witness perform the dead parrot sketch at that trial.

    3. A prosecutor in Michigan says he won’t call a parrot to testify in a murder case.

      1. Where have I read that before?

        1. I used to read a lot of Heinlein as a teen, and some of his stories had current (future) news headlines starting out the chapters. They were absurd, but I’m pretty sure I read this one or something like it in one of the books. I’ve been noticing recently that our real life headlines have out-ridiculoused his over the past decade.

          1. Yes. We have out-crazied the Crazy Years.

        2. A prosecutor in Michigan says he won’t call a parrot to testify in a murder case.

      2. Theoretically, if a lawyer never asks a question he doesn’t already know the answer to (law 101), all testimony is parroting.

  3. A prosecutor in Ohio will announce today whether he will press charges against the family of a child who fell into a gorilla pit at the Cincinnati Zoo.

    That prosecutor doesn’t understand that the court of social media has already convicted them.

    1. Under what charge? Wouldn’t he also need to prosecute every parent of every child who for a moment was running free and unrestrained While at the zoo?

    2. He fears the socialmediagruppen’s wrath. They may turn on him… or any of us.

    3. I’ll accept a charge of: Interfering with the functioning of the Internet.

    4. In other news, the parents will decide today whether or not to sue the Cincinnati Zoo.

  4. Would teens be slimmer if Katy Perry hawked kale & quinoa?

    CHICAGO (AP) ? Would U.S. teens be any slimmer if Katy Perry hawked kale and quinoa?

    New research doesn’t prove a link, but its authors think music stars popular with teens may be contributing to the obesity epidemic by endorsing fatty fast food, snacks and soda.

    The study shows that 20 of the hottest teen-music heartthrobs have done TV ads or other promotions for products nutritionists consider unhealthy.

    Of 107 food and drink endorsements included in the study, few were for nutritious foods, the researchers said. Lead author Marie Bragg, a food policy and obesity researcher at New York University, singled out one “natural whole-food product.” That was South Korean pop star Psy’s “crackin’ gangnam-style” TV ad for Wonderful pistachios, shown during the Super Bowl in 2013.

    About 80 percent of celebrity-endorsed food ads were high-calorie products including snack chips and chocolate, or fast-food restaurants including McDonalds, Chili’s and A&W. Most of the beverage ads were for sugary sodas.

    The list includes Perry endorsements for Pepsi and Popchips; Justin Timberlake ads or promotions for Chili’s, McDonald’s and Pepsi; and will.i.am ads or campaigns linked with Coca-Cola, Doritos, Dr. Pepper and Pepsi.

    1. So uber-fit celebrities make fat people uncomfortable and body conscious, but they’re also the ones making people fat?

      Clearly the author has never seen the dozens of magazines at every shopping outlet touting how such-and-such special person got their rockin’ body.

      1. The McDonald’s ads are canceled out by the photoshoped Vogue shoots.

    2. New research doesn’t prove a link, but its authors think …

      That’s fantastic.

      1. Substitute ‘feel’ for ‘think’ there.

        1. Stop mansplaining and disrespecting other ways of knowing check your logic-privilege, shitlord!

          1. I’ve noticed a lot more people using the phrase “I feel like” instead of “I think that” lately. I don’t know if its use is on the rise and people are more self-aware, or if it’s just that I feel like the use of the phrase is becoming more popular.

            1. Because all valid truth flows from feelings.

            2. Both of my kids say that when I ask them questions. I’m not entirely sure where it’s coming from, but I suspect school and/or the kid’s Internet.

            3. People have been saying “I feel that…” for a long time. I don’t think it’s getting particularly more common. Could be, I guess. I’m not too in touch with the kids these days.

            4. I feel like you’re right.

              1. I think it depends on whether you are talking to a Thinking person or a Feeling person like in the Myers-Briggs test.

                A feeling person will not respond well to “I think” in any debate or argument or even question.

                56% of males fall into the “Thinking” category while only 24% of females fall into this category, so in the vast majority of social interactions it is safer to use “I feel” if one is looking to avoid drama.

                Disclaimer: As a thinking person, I find this aspect of human nature absolutely fucking horrifying.

      2. The researchers are either too bad at statistics to figure out a test that proves the link or too honest to do so.

        … I’m guessing the former.

      3. Needz moar rezerch.

    3. Marie Bragg, a food policy and obesity researcher at New York University

      I remember watching Penn and Teller’s Bullshit show about fast food. I think she was on that show complaining about fast food. The gist was she thinks consumers are stupid, and get tricked into liking fast food. She’s one of the enlightened ones, and society needs to be molded and forced into her preferences.

      1. consumers are stupid

        Have no fear, NYC has the solution.

    4. Would U.S. teens be any slimmer if Katy Perry hawked kale and quinoa?

      Probably not, but Katy Perry would be poorer.

    5. What, don’t they care about older folk like me. They could probably get Doris Day or Eddie Albert as full-time shills.

    6. For those celebrities, who gives a shit? Their job is to sing and act.

      I saw a similar piece on athlete endorsements a while back, which I found more interesting; obviously it should be clear to a non-idiot that Peyton Manning didn’t get where he got by stuffing two sleeves of Oreos down his facehole every day, but I do think it’s hilariously hypocritical for anyone who’s admired for their physical skills to shill for how I should eat more sugar.

      (Obviously, I support the right to be hypocritical.)

  5. The Golden State Warriors defeated Cleveland by more than 30 points to take a 2-0 lead in the NBA Finals.

    Quick, everyone turn a team sport into an individual one and lambaste lebron james!

    1. lambaste

      I’m not sure what this is, but it sounds delicious.

      1. It is when you pronounce it the correct way.

      2. Butter/rosemary would make a good lamb baste.

      3. I think it’s the inverse of Namaste.

    2. turn a team sport into an individual one

      That drives me nuts – “so-and-so media darling & the rest”.

    3. Well, the thing about Arsenal is they always try to walk it in.

    4. Cavs repeat stupid ‘hero-ball’ strategy, get crushed by Warriors teamwork.

      1. In other words, Steph Curry chokes in the Finals again, talented teammates bail him out again.

  6. Seattle men busted at the border with illegal candy

    They bought Kinder Eggs. The chocolate eggs, which aren’t available in America, come with a toy inside.

    Without thinking much of it, the duo picked up six of the eggs before heading home.

    “We packed it in the back of the car because we weren’t going to eat them,” Loo said.

    When they got to the border, the guards began searching the car and soon found the eggs.

    “He said, ‘Are you aware Kinder Eggs are illegal in the United States and carry a $2,500 fine per egg?’ And I actually laughed,” Sweeney said.

    1. 2012. Recycle!

      1. I blame the food poisoning I got last night. Apologies.

    2. Upon trying his first Cadbury egg, by 5-year-old was pissed that there wasn’t a toy inside. (We live in MX about half of the year and KinderEggs are the shit in his mind)

      1. I was disappointed, too. The filling is gnarly.

    3. Story’s 4 years old. The Kinder Surprise ban is extremely dumb. If your child attempts to swallow the giant egg that contains the toy, they may not be fit for this earth.

      1. Our laws are weakening our species.

        1. But utopia requires the obsolescence of agency. Only then we can have the freedom to live without bad choices!

    4. They destroyed the eggs with a coat hanger in a back alley.

      1. You done good here today.

      2. The banned eggs contained a toy Kermit Gosnell the Frog inside them.

  7. Researchers say King Tut had a dagger from outer space.

    Space stabber!

    1. So, BSG was true?

      1. Or Prometheus. Take your pick.

      2. I think that was more Legends of Tomorrow, and the less said about that show, the better.

      3. You mean Stargate.

        1. Yup.

      4. No, but Legends of Tomorrow is.

    2. So Tut beat Luxembourg into space?

      1. Or at least at asteroid mining!

  8. A prosecutor in Michigan says he won’t call a parrot to testify in a murder case.

    Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

    Witness: [screeches, shits on bible]

    1. Hillary Clinton = parrot?

      1. No. Parrots are intelligent and have a capacity for affection.

      2. If only she were pining for the fjords…

      3. No, parrots can probably be trained to work a fax machine.

    2. “Your Honor, I ask for a postponement so the witness can recover from pining for the fjords. In the meantime, I ask that my client be free on bail.”

      1. ALTERNATE JOKE: “Whats this – the parrot is DEAD? Now we have *two* murder cases on our hands.”

  9. A prosecutor in Michigan says he won’t call a parrot to testify in a murder case.

    Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

    Witness: [screeches, shits on bible]

        1. Toucan play at this game.

      1. Fuck!

    1. In league with the squirrelz?

  10. Are you thinking about not voting? Well you better check your privilege.

    1. State violence is imbedded in our society and no one on the ballot is going to end it.

      The only thing to ever appear on EDF that I find myself agreeing with.

    2. Fucking privileged white people with their privilege. They’re supposed to vote for brown people causes because the browns are too principled and unprivileged to vote for their own interests, of course.

    3. Indian ballots have a “None Of The Above” (NOTA) option.

      A number of my friends and extended family vote NOTA just to make a point.

      1. Here: None of the above

        In the Indian general election, 2014, NOTA polled 1.1% of the votes, counting to over 60 lakh.[i.e., 6 million]

      2. All votes should have this. And if NOTA wins, no one should hold the position….

      3. I always vote and write in None of the Above for races that don’t feature an acceptable candidate.

    4. I like how for the white dude at the end it’s just sort of assumed that not voting means he also has no interest in engaging with his community or the world.
      No one has ever once thought “I’ll be OK because my privilege will protect me”.

  11. Researchers say King Tut had a dagger from outer space.

    Ancient Egyptians could have benefited from a hieroglyphic snopes.

  12. Man claims to have found Bigfoot skull

    It was night time and May was hiking through the wilderness with a flashlight.

    “I heard across the river someone say, ‘Oh my God! It’s a monster!'” He flashed his light around and the beam fell upon the face of an eight-to ten-foot tall red-furred ape-like creature, he said. It was about 20 feet away, he estimates, it stared at him then slowly walked off.

    A couple months later, May saw in the same area and spotted what appeared to be a handprint on top of a rounded surface. He dug the large object out of the surrounding dirt and saw a familiar face.

    “It had the same facial structure as the creatures I had seen,” he said.

    Since finding the object in 2013, May said he’s had hundreds of people weigh in on their opinion about his finding.

    1. STEVE SMITH ANGRY THAT GRAMPA’S GRAVE HAS BEEN ROBBED!!!!

    2. Um… that doesn’t look like a skull at all. Plus, i’m doubtful that dude did in fact encounter STEVE SMITH, given that there is no mention in the article of him getting very, very raped.

      1. It’s just a rock.

      2. MAY AM DAMN LIAR! ONLY SKULL HE GET IS WHEN STEVE SKULL FUCK HIM!

    3. “I don’t know where I’m going next, but people need to see this and know Big Foots are real and they out there,”

      BIG FEET you asshole.

      1. Big Feets?

    4. Saw the dialog paragraphs before seeing SugarFree was not the poster. Was sure this was going to be one of his pieces with Bigfoot and all.

      *wipes brows in relief*

    5. Yeah, that’s a rock. Has that guy never seen a skull before?

      1. Maybe it’s a sculpture of a Bigfoot skull.

  13. “A prosecutor in Ohio will announce today whether he will press charges against the family of a child who fell into a gorilla pit at the Cincinnati Zoo.

    “A prosecutor in Michigan says he won’t call a parrot to testify in a murder case.”

    If I were an alien army prepping to invade, I’d strike right about now.

    1. The more I see of what you call civilization, the more highly I think of what you call savagery!

  14. A prosecutor in Michigan says he won’t call a parrot to testify in a murder case.

    Opening the bird up to scrutiny of its past history of cracker theft.

  15. Puerto Rico, my heart’s devotion. Let it sink back in the ocean.

    1. “I like to be in America!”
      “Okay by me in America!”

      1. Everything’s free in America, for a small fee in America!

  16. Women and people under the age of 35 at greatest risk of anxiety

    Women are almost twice as likely to experience anxiety as men, according to a review of existing scientific literature, led by the University of Cambridge. The study also found that people from Western Europe and North America are more likely to suffer from anxiety than people from other cultures.

    The review, published today in the journal Brain and Behavior, also highlighted how anxiety disorders often provide a double burden on people experiencing other health-related problems, such as heart disease, cancer and even pregnancy.

    Anxiety disorders, which often manifest as excessive worry, fear and a tendency to avoid potentially stressful situations including social gatherings, are some of the most common mental health problems in the Western world. The annual cost related to the disorders in the United States is estimated to be $42.3 million. In the European Union, over 60 million people are affected by anxiety disorders in a given year.

    There have been many studies looking at the number of people affected by anxiety disorders and the groups that are at highest risk, and in an attempt to synthesise the various studies, researchers from the University of Cambridge’s Institute of Public Health carried out a global review of systematic reviews.

    1. Waiting for the govt funded study showing the effects of excessive bureaucracy on the citizenry.

    2. “women AND people”

      Problematic!

      1. People who identify as women? Women and those under 35 who identify as any gender? Help!

    3. Women hysterical. Who knew?

    4. As a pregnant woman who is frequently told to be terrified of Zika but to rely on nothing stronger than lemongrass to prevent bug bites, I blame environmentalists for much of that anxiety.

    5. Just what they need: another thing to worry about.

    6. so there’s less anxiety in say North Korea… good to know.

  17. ‘Screw for Denmark’ sex campaigns produce baby boom in months

    A racy ad campaign, started only nine months ago, has really hit the spot for Denmark’s campaign for more baby-making. The country now expects booming birth rates this summer.

    According to research by Denmark’s Politiken newspaper, the summer months of June-August this year will produce 1,200 more Danes than last summer. In total, some 16,200 babies are due to be born.

    “I’ve never experienced a boom like this in my time as a midwife,” said Ann Fogsgaard, who’s been on the job 33 years.

    “Normally, there are more births during the summer compared to the winter, but an increase like this is crazy.”

    1. By Crom, I’ll take a wench for this purpose!

    2. They need to check their privilege. The world doesn’t need more white babies.

      1. Their welfare state needs tax serfs. It helps if they are productive and in Denmark so the taxman can threaten and loot them.

        1. But importing people from third world countries is easier because they come predisposed towards welfare statism.

    3. Lie back and think of Denmark?

      1. Something’s stinky.

    4. When your welfare state has to remind people to have sex, maybe it’s gotten too welfare-y.

    5. You’d think the very shape of the country would serve as a reminder…

    6. Someone’s got to pay for all those retiree benefits.

  18. Voters in Switzerland rejected a basic universal income.

    The real question is how long the sides of the “yeah, let’s be just like europe” sarcasm coin will take to flip.

    1. I had NOTHING to do with that, I swear.

      I will be reporting to the Fondue Lords, in person, in a couple of weeks.

      What?

    2. What do you think the vote would be in the US? Turn down free stuff?

  19. Police: Man stripped at Kroger, defecated on U-Scan

    CINCINNATI ? A man stripped in a Kroger and defecated on the self-checkout, police said.

    Police arrested Colin Murphy, 23, after the incident at the Hyde Park Kroger Sunday, according to court records.

    Murphy smelled like an alcoholic beverage, had slurred speech and staggered, police said in complaints.

    He was charged with disorderly conduct and public indecency.

    1. Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split.

    2. Only reason this wasn’t Florida Man is Publix doesn’t have self checkout.

    3. This is not unusual behavior for a Kroger.

        1. Ohio Man! What a shitty state.

          1. All the Kroger clerks
            With the check-out smirks
            Go “Cleveland rocks!”

      1. Down the street from me there is a Kroger that is widely known as “the Murder Kroger.” A ton of people will know where you’re talking about if you refer to it. It’s like a local landmark. Had a homeless dude ask me where it was the other day.

        1. Hey neighbor! I stopped by Murder Kroger all the time when I biked the Beltline to work. Got my bike seat stolen there in broad daylight, too (that was the second bike seat stolen, which is apparently a trend in ATL).
          A friend was visiting last year and as we were about to pass the store, I mentioned its nickname to her. When we got closer, we noticed a bunch of police cars and an ambulance. The most recent murder had *just* happened.
          Yeah, I know: cool story.

          1. Dude, tell me about it. I moved down here a few years ago and decided to bring my Specialized with me. Chained it up at the MARTA train station (North Ave) (because I hate the buses). When I got back to the station later in the day, the damn thing was stolen right of the chain. I asked the group of MARTA cops nearby if they had seen it and they might as well have told me that they don’t give a flying fuck.

            My car has also been broken into twice in the last year. The first time, I called the cops to file a report. The cop said that even if they catch the motherfuckers in the act, they are now required not to pursue. Apparently ‘too many people were getting hurt’. Crime here is a bitch and half.

          2. Wasn’t that the same day Obama was fucking up traffic going to Manuel’s?

        2. I lived in Atlanta for a while when I was going to Georgia Tech.

          I have never heard the nickname ‘Murder Kroger’, but immediately thought of a particular store, and sure enough, Google Maps confirms that we are talking about the same place.

          1. A bunch of the Krogers have nicknames. Gay Kroger, Ghetto Kroger, Disco Kroger.

    4. Didn’t want to wait for a cashier to scan his shit?

  20. “””””Hillary Clinton won the Puerto Rico primary””””

    Does she have to pay off their debts now? That is a lot of Cattle Futures.

    1. Give her $1 trillion- with her trading ability, we can fund Socialist InSecurity and Mediscare for 50 yrs.

  21. The government of Luxembourg will spend $223 million on initiatives related to asteroid mining.

    Space frackers!

    1. That you, Col. Tigh?

    2. They want to bury *their* king with a dagger from outer space, too.

  22. Romanian Town Has 3 Candidates for Mayor, All With Same Name

    In a Romanian town, residents have a choice of three candidates for mayor in an election this weekend ? but only one name.

    Vasile Cepoi is running for a fourth term as mayor of Draguseni, a northeastern town of 2,500 people. Both of his challengers in Sunday’s election also are called Vasile Cepoi.

    Town hall official Viorel Munteanu said Friday that the three contenders are not related. Cepoi is a common family name in the region and Vasile is a popular male name in Romania.

    1. So the Chicago Daily Tribune can go ahead and print their headline?

      1. “Vasile Victorious!”

    2. ‘Vasile pledged to continue the successful diversity initiatives of his predecessors…’

  23. NASA cover up? Astronomer claims SECOND SUN exists but ‘NASA usually hides it’

    This shocking admission by a respected astronomer has sent conspiracy theorist into overdrive, after he claimed there was a second Sun and ” NASA usually hides” it away.

    Astronomer Paul Cox was reporting an eight-hour live show about the transits of Mercury across the Sun on the website Slooh.

    It is as he is talking about where Mercury currently is on screen, he speaks to the camera and says: “You may be asking yourself, what is that large round thing to the right of the sun?

    “Well, that’s our second Sun.

    “I don’t know if you knew we had a second Sun, but, er, there it is.

    “It’s normally hidden from view, NASA and other organisations, they usually hide that stuff away from us, they don’t tell us the truth, but there it is.

    1. Blogger Jacob Israel, who is not a conspiracy theorist, but is looking into the existence of Nibiru, also known as Planet X told the camera he was shocked.

      I’m not crazy, but you’re floating in ten dimensional space with Hitler’s brain.

        1. +1 Anunnaki. (Or is it Annunakus?)

    2. Wasn’t Nibiru supposed to destroy us in 2012?

    3. “NASA covers it up”. Because NASA is in control of all astronomy observations everywhere.

    4. NASA is embarrassed by the brown dwarf in our solar family.

  24. Voters in Switzerland rejected a basic universal income.

    Bern Outs fume as this disrupts the narrative…

    1. “They aren’t real Europeans!”

    2. Haven’t I heard this idea floated as a replacement for welfare?

      Much of the cost could have been covered by existing social security payments, but sharp spending cuts or tax increases would have had to make up a remaining gap of 25 billion.

      Guess they didn’t think it all the way through.

      And from what I have heard about Switzerland, nobody is going to survive on $2500 a month there anyway.

      1. Sure you can! You will just have to live in a box and dumpster dive for food…

    3. This “basic universal income” BS is as close to “something for nothing” as it gets.

      What if _everyone_ stops working? Where’s the guaranteed free money going to come from?

      As with all things collectivist, it’s straight-up robbery of the productive.

  25. Clinton’s IT aide keeps email server shrouded in mystery

    Bryan Pagliano’s laywers have said that he would remain silent during a deposition with the conservative watchdog Judicial Watch, originally scheduled for Monday but now delayed until further notice.

    His decision increases the odds that Clinton herself will be forced to testify in the case.

    And, because of quirks of the legal system, his decision to stay quiet could be seen as an implicit confirmation that he or the State Department had done something wrong.

    Unlike in a criminal case, judges in civil cases such as Judicial Watch’s can draw inferences about someone’s guilt from a witness’s decision to plead their rights under the Fifth Amendment. For lawyers, there’s a reason to go through the motions and ask questions, even if the response is the same over and over again.

    1. I wonder if Hillary wishes now that she’d gone full monty a year ago and admitted she’d made “mistakes.” Back then, even I saw an advantage in that, thinking that more delay would mean she’d have to face adverse headlines near election time.

      1. Hillary wishes now that she’d gone full monty a year ago

        …*shudder*

        1. Does she shave it, or does she rock the furburger?

          Do you really want to know?

          What is worse than knowing Hilldog rocks a “landing strip”?

  26. Criminal immigrants reoffend at higher rates than ICE has suggested

    They were among the nation’s top priorities for deportation, criminals who were supposed to be sent back to their home countries. But instead they were released, one by one, in secret across the United States. Federal officials said that many of the criminals posed little threat to the public, but did little to verify whether that was true.

    It wasn’t.

    A Globe review of 323 criminals released in New England from 2008 to 2012 found that as many as 30 percent committed new offenses, including rape, attempted murder, and child molestation ? a rate that is markedly higher than Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials have suggested to Congress in the past.

    1. That is a lie. Immigrants are special and superior to natives. Jeb Bush told me so.

    2. Cue Shikha writing a full-throated denunciation of the embedded racism and colonialism at the globe.

  27. Sex robots could cause ‘performance anxiety’ in men and make women jealous of androids’ skill at lovemaking

    The rise of sex robots could cause performance anxiety in men and women who fear they can’t match the lovemaking skills of amorous androids.

    Technological advances means sex with human-looking androids – previously the stuff of science fiction films like Ex Machina – is becoming a reality.

    Artificial intelligence expert David Levy predicts that as people get more comfortable with robotics, sexual relations – and even love and marriage – with androids will become more and more popular.

    But because these male and female sex robots will be built to the user’s specific ideals of perfection, those with less-than-perfect human bodies could become anxious about whether their partner is pleased by them.

    Levy, the author of ‘Love And Sex With Robots’, told the Toronto Star robots that are “wonderful lovers” could cause “performance anxiety” among men and women.

    Meanwhile, new research has found that one in four young people in the UK would happily date a robot.

    The only caveats, according to the survey of 18- to 34-year-olds, is that their android beau must by a “perfect match”, and must look like a real-life human being.

    1. Ah, contentment for a barbarian, a full-bodied woman and a flagon of wine!

    2. one in four young people in the UK would happily date a robot

      Let’s see, robot or chav? Hmmmmmm, tough call.

    3. Robots will never fulfill the emotional end of sex and will just just be another form of prostitution. A live woman will always be preferable to a robot because the real woman comes with the ego boost of getting a woman in bed with you.

      1. But you don’t have to slip a robot a roofie in order to do it.

      2. Pretty much this.

        I can easily see a future (and not all that distant) where people use sex robots as a form of regular masturbation or sexual enhancement to their normal lovemaking and I suppose there will be a small number of people who will grow to prefer to bots to another human for various reasons but at the end of the day sex is about more than reproduction or simple physical release and it is unlikely that even full AI robots will ever be able to provide the emotional connection that we all crave as much as the orgasm’s

        1. By Odin that is one long fucking sentence!

      3. Seriously, and why would someone be jealous of Cytotoxic’s girlfriend?

        1. Cytotoxic’s girlfriend

          Objection! Facts not in evidence.

    4. sex with human-looking androids […] is becoming a reality

      Uh huh.

      Yeah, the dead eyes are a real turn on.

      1. You mean the British women, right?

        1. Having sex with a robot and having sex with a Briton are similar acts, because Britons are not people.

    5. So women will be having sex only with robots because they’ll be more satisfying, and men will be having sex only with robots because they’ll be treated like gods. I fail to see the downside here.

      1. No one left to pay social security taxes when you retire?

      2. obviously David Levy knows my ex

  28. Remain MPs could block EU single market withdrawal post-Brexit

    Pro-EU MPs could try to block Britain’s withdrawal from the European single market if the nation votes for Brexit on 23 June, it has emerged.

    Some 474 MPs who back a Remain vote are considering using the weight of their House of Commons majority out of fears a newly negotiated trade deal could be limited, the BBC reports.

    But Vote Leave insisted MPs will be unable to “defy the will of the electorate” on key issues such as trade.

    1. Not sure. I could be wrong. Heck, I may even be incorrect or even misguided. It’s all up in the air. But kindly point me in the proper direction if this is not how, like, wars start?

    2. Between this and the united EU military debacle, I would be tempted to think the EU is actually trying to get Britain to leave.

      1. They never were big fans of each other to begin with. Like the World Cup when England felt it was too good for it and stayed away.

        1. Which one was that? England hasn’t been “too good” for a World Cup in decades, if ever.

          1. They did not partake in the first three World Cups.

            Had they done so, they’d have more than one title. But they were too cool for the world.

            Already by the 30s countries were catching up fast to them and by the time the 50s rolled around, they were barely hanging on and then…well, the rest is history.

            1. I imagine they could win again if they were as single-minded about the sport as the top countries are.

        2. If Sir Humphrey Appleby is to believed, Britain only went into the Common Market to fuck over France. France is currently fucking over itself quite capably. Ergo, no need for Britain to stay and suffer the indignities of the Euro-sausage.

    3. Because countries never traded with each other in the past until they got yoked together and started sending their tributes to some far-off capital.

  29. Unless You’re Oprah, ‘Be Yourself’ Is Terrible Advice.

    We want to live authentic lives, marry authentic partners, work for an authentic boss, vote for an authentic president. In university commencement speeches, “Be true to yourself” is one of the most common themes (behind “Expand your horizons,” and just ahead of “Never give up”).

    A decade ago, the author A. J. Jacobs spent a few weeks trying to be totally authentic. He announced to an editor that he would try to sleep with her if he were single and informed his nanny that he would like to go on a date with her if his wife left him. He informed a friend’s 5-year-old daughter that the beetle in her hands was not napping but dead. He told his in-laws that their conversation was boring. You can imagine how his experiment worked out.

    “Deceit makes our world go round,” he concluded. “Without lies, marriages would crumble, workers would be fired, egos would be shattered, governments would collapse.”

    1. Worked for George Costanza though.

      1. Because George went with the exact opposite of what his instincts were telling him. Because his instincts were generally wrong.

        1. Touche.

    2. “Be yourself” doesn’t necessarily mean “be an asshole”, unless of course, you are an asshole. Apparently the author is an asshole.

      1. Yeah, I never understand how “keepin’ it real” means being an obnoxious jerk. Like being considerate, polite and empathetic isn’t “real”.

    3. What a vain idea. Who cares what you think? What you do and how it affects the people around you is a much more pressing concern. A courteous bigot is a much better coworker than an equal-opportunity asshole or an enlightened busybody.

      1. Interestingly, women are more likely to be low self-monitors than men, perhaps because women face stronger cultural pressures to express their feelings.

        Isn’t this supposed to be a mark of the superior feminine mind? Men are brutish, unemotional neanderthals who bottle up their stress until they unleash it on their wives or girlfriends.

        1. “women are more likely to be low self-monitors than men”

          Women not self-aware? Who’d a thunk it.

    4. “Women face stronger social pressures to express their feelings”

      Maybe if those feelings are positive. Women are generally punished for expressing anger. Not making a value judgment there, it’s just a fact.

  30. U.S. Navy slaps drinking ban on 18,600 sailors in Japan

    The U.S. Navy slapped a drinking ban on sailors stationed in Japan on Monday and halted off base liberty after police arrested a U.S. sailor on the southern island of Okinawa on suspicion of drunk driving following a car crash that injured two people.

    “For decades we have enjoyed a strong relationship with the people of Japan. It is imperative that each sailor understand how our actions affect that relationship and the U.S. Japan alliance as a whole,” Rear Admiral Matthew Carter, commander of U.S. naval forces in Japan said in a press release on Monday.

    The United States has 18,600 sailors stationed in Japan.

    The latest incident came as the U.S. military observes a 30-day mourning period at bases on Okinawa after an American civilian working for the U.S. military there was arrested on suspicion of dumping the body of a 20-year-old Japanese woman.

    1. Clousseau asks where the 20 year old Japanese woman got the body.

      1. “Is zees your shimpanzee minky?”

    2. If only American cops were as dedicated to optics as the military they want so desperately to emulate.

  31. High School Boy Wins All-State Honors In Girls Track And Field

    High school girls in Alaska are crying foul after a male sprinter took home all-state honors in girls’ track and field. According to local reports, it was the first time in Alaskan history that a male athlete competed in the girls’ state championships.

    Haines senior Nattaphon Wangyot?who self-identifies as a girl?advanced to the state finals in the 100-meter and 200-meter events. He won fifth place in the 100-meter dash and third place in the 200-meter. In both events, he competed against girls as young as ninth grade.

    One of the girls Wangyot beat out for a slot at the state meet, Hutchison runner Emma Daniels, took issue with allowing a male athlete to compete in girls events.

    1. One of the girls Wangyot beat out for a slot at the state meet, Hutchison runner Emma Daniels, took issue with allowing a male athlete to compete in girls events.

      Her qualifying time was more than a second below hers, she she only placed third. If Emma Daniels ran as well as she bitched, she wouldn’t have this problem.

      1. “Yeah, so what if that senior male was allowed to run against you!!”

        1. She’s going to spend her entire life competing against those who may be faster, smarter and bigger. Oh, what a world! She can start crying now about the unfairness of it all, or she can suck it up and work harder.

          My pity. Fresh out.

          1. So we need to toughen up these high school athletes by bringing in pros to show ’em what real competition is like!

            Miami Dolphins defeat John Muir Junior High 278-0!

            STOP CRYING YOU PUSSIES, GET TOUGHER!!!

            What happened to measuring yourself against your peers?

            1. I would like to know more about your plan to get the Dolphins back to winning seasons. Do you have a newsletter?

            2. Yeah. Because the Miami Dolphins vs high school, is exactly like having to compete within your school.

              It’s not fair! Men make too much! Diversity means homogenisation! Why aren’t there more women in STEM?! POOR ME.

              I’m not seeing it, Swiss.

              1. Who knew Hamster’s favorite movie was Juwanna Mann?

      2. If Emma Daniels ran as well as she bitched, she wouldn’t have this problem.

        And now she has to fit her running in between all the mandatory sensitivity training classes. Sad!

    2. it was the first time in Alaskan history that a male athlete competed in the girls’ state championships.

      But… He wasn’t male, right? Because if he were male, he wouldn’t be a girl. He is female because he thinks he is, right? I’m even more lost and confused than an Alaskan girls track team.

      1. Oh they’re lost all right. They’re just running in circles.

    3. Damn Thai ladyboys are everywhere.

    4. It must be tough to pass as female when your last name includes “Wang, yo.”

      1. Not if you phrase it as a question.

    5. Another runner, Peyton Young (who competed in a different event) took a similar position. “I don’t know what’s politically correct to say, but in my opinion your gender is what you’re born with,”

      So controversial.

    6. I don’t understand why this is a problem. If biological sex does not always comport with gender, make biological sex the segregating factor in sports. This is a transexual female who inhabits the body of a male and should compete against other biological males.

      1. That’s like saying a transexual female who inhabits the body of a male should use the same bathroom as other biological males. Sooo problematic!

        1. But bathrooms aren’t a competitive sport.

          1. So? Bathrooms are about physical necessity. For men’s rooms they are designed to accommodate male bodies- not male genders. The whole purpose of seggregating them is to ensure that male and female body parts do not intermix.

            In other words, the distinction doesn’t seem to have a difference. Why are sports somehow special?

            1. We segregate sports by sex for a reason, e.g. inherent biological differences. There’s no other reason: male athletes are going to be bigger, stronger, faster, and more aggressive than female athletes, and would predominate college teams. We segregate bathrooms by our traditional understanding of gender, for safety and privacy and to preserve sexual mores. So yes, these are different things.

              Besides, Title IX is only recently being used to address the bathroom question, but its history in collegiate sports is long and storied. This seems like a clear-cut case of disparate impact.

          2. They are if you do it right.

          3. This is why we need those carnival water balloons which you fill until they pop (first to pop wins a prize!) attached to urinals…

    7. One of the girls Wangyot beat out for a slot at the state meet, Hutchison runner Emma Daniels, took issue with allowing a male athlete to compete in girls events.

      Gender equality!

      Please suck it up.

      1. Frankly, I can see a Title IX suit being brought against schools for forcing biologically female athletes to compete against biologically male athletes while biologically male athletes who identify as male need not worry. In fact if the transgendered athlete is any good, they stand to benefit from the arrangement.

      2. Give them what they want: complete, total gender and sex neutrality. It’s all a construct anyway, right? All bathrooms and locker rooms totally integrated. Any and all sports, totally integrated. Let the females get sacked on the football field, smoked on the track, and twisted into fucking pretzels on the wrestling mat. We’ll show those cisnormative shitlords how it’s done, right after we get our shoulders popped back into their sockets!

        1. Paul Verhoeven was a visionary.

        2. There wouldn’t be females getting sacked on the football field, smoked on the track, and twisted into fucking pretzels on the wrestling mat. Because they generally wouldn’t even be able to make the teams. This transgender idiocy could end up destroying women’s sports.

          1. Because they generally wouldn’t even be able to make the teams.

            This is where STATISTICS comes in, courtesy of disparate impact logic.

            Why do you have only 5% women on your corporate board marine recon football team? In the name of equality, we need more women getting sacked on the football field with concussions!

          2. the biologic female-female gendered should sue, she only ran 78% as fast as the biologic boy-female genderer. its a gender-gap issue GS aughta be allover

          3. the biologic female-female gendered should sue, she only ran 78% as fast as the biologic boy-female genderer. its a gender-gap issue GS aughta be allover

  32. A prosecutor in Ohio will announce today whether he will press charges against the family of a child who fell into a gorilla pit at the Cincinnati Zoo.

    A gorilla or a prosecutor? They might wish to have taken their chances with the gorilla.

  33. I like the Swiss.

    Although, a negative income tax as a way to eliminate **ALL** safety net prograns would be okay by me.

    (Insert sld as appropriate).

    I did a rough back of envelope calculation. We could cut 2.5T from US budget ( 4 to 1.5T). Every adult gets a monthly check for $990. Every child $345. 37% flat tax on income, no deductions. We would have a budget surplus, no poverty, and a net tax cut for most.

    The break even point for family of four is $86,595. At that point your monthly check equals your monthly tax.

    If we were willing to cut more government, as that doesnt even touch defense or education, the tax rate would be lower.

    1. 37% flat tax on income, no deductions.

      Not sure how that would be a net tax cut for most people. Assuming you are referring to federal income tax.

      1. See my comment about family of four. At 50k, which is roughly hh median, that would be $1541.70 in tax each month. But they would receive a check for $2670 each month, making a net tax rate of -27.1%.

        At 100k, their net tax rate is 5.0% (3083 in tax, 2670 in payment).

        I am pretty sure both of those is better than today.

        1. I would be getting a net tax increase of several percent, and I am far from wealthy. So, no.

          1. Did you calculate the lack of 15.3% FICA tax and lack of corporate income tax?

    2. “I like the Swiss.”

      That’s the cheese and Toblerone talking.

      1. My first job after college was in Switzerland.

        1. So yes, cheese and chocolates. And on-time trains.

          1. They talk funny though.

    3. Although, a negative income tax as a way to eliminate **ALL** safety net prograns would be okay by me.

      We can eradicate all welfare statism if you buy this bridge I’ve got.

    4. Yeah long term that would be better, the problem you run into is that currently the overwhelming majority of that welfare spending is going to the elderly who are too old to supplement that income with a job, so grandma goes from getting $1200 a month in Social Security and free health care to $990 a month and no health care so there is absolutely no way in hell it would fly.

    5. I did a rough back of envelope calculation. We could cut 2.5T from US budget ( 4 to 1.5T). Every adult gets a monthly check for $990.

      Except my mom already gets $1000+/mo from SS- and had two heart attacks paid (almost) in full by Medicare- the first was mild so she simply got a pacemaker. The second had her in the ICU for three weeks, and the prognosis wasn’t good.

      Our family had “the discussion” about what she would want us to do- then she recovered so quickly she was out of the hospital 3 days later… She’s still alive 11 yrs after that.

      How many old folks will agree w/ your plan?

  34. “Hillary Clinton won the Puerto Rico primary. The Bernie Sanders campaign accused local officials of fraud.”

    Bernie Sanders is accusing Hispanics of fraud? Joan Walsh was right! His campaign is running on racial bigotry!

    1. I actually lived in a log cabin for several years. It’s not as much fun as it seems.

      1. “Captive of STEVE SMITH, The FoE Story”?

        1. Fist spent most of his time trying to locate and stop the leaks. There as rape, too, though. Don’t forget the rape.

          1. To my knowledge there have been no sightings in the eastern US, which is where I live.

            I will say that everyone should experience at least a few seasons living in the middle of nowhere in a log cabin. Even though mine had most modern conveniences, it was still supremely inconvenient and gives a person appreciation of not living in a log cabin.

            1. Eastern US? That’s pretty vague. Like saying you live in the eastern earth.

              1. I’ve already said too much.

    2. It’s not really living off the grid if you have to transfer title into your name.

    3. Maybe if that tiny cabin had a secret basement that was a mansion. That’d be way more commentariany/

      1. I think the “dream” part is you have no neighbors.

    4. … is enough space for anyone in love with ski country.

      F-ing geography, how does it work? That cabin is about as far from a major Colorado ski area as you can get and still actually be in this pinko state.

  35. The Golden State Warriors defeated Cleveland by more than 30 points to take a 2-0 lead in the NBA Finals.

    This kind of thing never happens in the NHL.

    1. 15-0 is biggest win in nhl history. So you are correct.

      However, no one gets shut out in the nba.

      Ratio-wise, nba blow outs arent nearly as bad as a 1-0 hockey game.

    1. I laughed and laughed when I heard this this morning. Maybe the suckers will learn a lesson from this….

      I feel kind of sorry for the neighbors that had to put up with it though.

    2. And a bunch of NYU students who just left for summer curse.

      I do like all the pics of white people in Hawaiian shirts and the like.

  36. Norway reportedly agrees on banning new sales of gas-powered cars by 2025

    Norway’s four main political parties have been discussing a possible ban on new gasoline-powered car sales (diesel or petrol) for quite some time, but they were not able to come to an understanding until now, according to a new report from Dagens N?ringsliv (Paywall), an important newspaper in Norway.

    The four main political parties, both from the right and the left, have agreed on a new energy policy that will include a ban on new gasoline-powered car sales as soon as 2025 ? making it one of the most aggressive timeline of its kind for such a policy. What’s probably most remarkable here is that Norway is currently one of the world’s largest Oil exporters.

    India confirmed that it is evaluating a scheme for all its fleet to be electric by 2030 and the Dutch government is discussing the possibility to ban gas-powered car sales and only allow electric vehicle sales starting also by 2025, but the idea divides the parliament.

    1. Please do. Collapse the price of oil some more.

    2. It’s really fucking stupid for nordic countries to be trying to get rid of fossil fuels. That’s basically the only reason they’re wealthy at all to begin with. Bye, bye welfare state.

      1. It’s beyond stupid. It’s self-destructive. About one fifth of Norway’s economic output is based on oil.

      2. I know. Nuts.

        Plus they see no problem with exporting it.

        I’m not so sure their as smart as painted.

        1. Plus they see no problem with exporting it.

          I think this is the key. How much of Norway’s oil is consumed by domestic automobiles? I’m betting it’s an insignificant amount. This lets them eat their smug cake and have it too. They can ride their moral superiority horse while being mostly dependent on other people not doing the same.

          It would be really nuts if they banned the extraction and/or exporting of oil.

          1. It’s a tiny country population-wise with enormous hydro facilities. It could work there.

      3. Not really, if you stop burning the oil as a fuel it still retains quite a bit of value as an industrial solvent and lubricant

        1. If you’re using straight-up North Sea Crude as lube, that is pretty hardcore.

    3. +1 Red Barchetta

    4. What are “More things they told us were silly and could never really happen” Alex?

    5. If this passes, the poor certainly won’t be able to afford to drive used cars.

      1. Krone for Klunkers!

  37. Voters in Switzerland rejected a basic universal income.

    The Swiss, as always, have my respect.

    1. The Swiss, as always, have my obedience.

    2. Yeah, but there are destitute because they aren’t in the EU.

    3. In many ways, Switzerland is closer to the original vision of federalism from the American founding.

      The cantons have a lot of power, the militia is solid, they don’t poke their noses around in other European countries’ affairs.

      1. We really should be looking to Switzerland in some key ways. Particularly regarding the military and (con)federalism.

    4. Just don’t idle your car engine on a cold night while waiting to pick someone up at the train station. A friend of mine did that, and a passerby started tapping on her window and telling her to not do that. Lack of self-assurance is not one of their weaknesses.

  38. Crusty, together with his fellow feminists, was outraged that the Stanford swimmer who raped a woman (apparently behind a dumpster, which, sans rape, is my move) only received a six month sentence. His father wrote a letter to the judge on his behalf. The letter includes the line “that is a steep price to pay for the twenty minutes of action out of his twenty plus years of life.”

    Filed under “awful things.”

    1. But he had to give up his swimming scholarship after two men found him raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster. The first consequence he ever had to face in his young life! AND he got TACKLED by two brute foreigners who caught him in the act!

      It will never be enough for you people!

    2. That’s fucked up. Once in a while, feminist outrage finds a proper target.

      Too bad they spent most of the weekend freaking out about Mystique getting choked in an X-Men advertisement because this seems slightly more deserving of criticism.

      1. Notice that this kid will get six months in jail for raping a girl and people get worse punishments for sending nudes to their girlfriends because OMG IT’S CHILD PORN.

        Our justice system is wonderful.

        1. “On the same day Brock Turner was sentenced, his 23-year-old victim shared her testimony in full. “To sit under oath and inform all of us, that yes I wanted it, yes I permitted it, and that you are the true victim attacked by Swedes for reasons unknown to you is appalling, is demented, is selfish, is damaging,” she said to Brock in the courtroom. “It is enough to be suffering. It is another thing to have someone ruthlessly working to diminish the gravity of validity of this suffering.””

          I have it on good authority though that Swedes are violent, brutal people who just go around assaulting random people for no reason, so his excuse holds up from my perspective.

      2. Yes. They are the shrieking harpies who cry wolf.

        1. This is about as close to a legitimate claim of rape culture as I’ve ever seen. Pretty much everyone involved seems to think this rape was no big deal, other than the girl it happened to and some Swedes

          1. Yes, and he has six months in a county jail. That is a DUI sentence in my county. But hey, let’s spend more time hashing out the details of a threesome that happened six months earlier.

            1. C’mon Crusty- it took my brother 5 DUI’s (two that happened while his 3rd was still being adjudicated) before he actually got a six month sentence…

              He did 83 days, plus the 43 “time served” days on the 5th- then he caught his 6th DUI less than a year later, 30 days in jail and a SCRAM anklet for 90 days.

              Nothing but an “open container” violation since, so all is good!

              1. And for the “rape culture” funny- his woman was charged for “solicitation” while he was in jail…

                The “lordatwar” family brings the fun to dysfunctional!

        2. I also don’t know why you’re being sarcastic with me. They do cry wolf very frequently. That doesn’t change the fact that this time they are clearly right.

          1. I was not being sarcastic.

      3. I’ll believe that feminists give half a shit about rape when they start calling out Islamic cultural mores towards women in those societies and in western ones.

    3. Crusty, together with his fellow feminists, was outraged that the Stanford swimmer who raped a woman (apparently behind a dumpster, which, sans rape, is my move)

      Kang: Congratulations. You have been selected for our cross-breeding program.
      Kodos: To put you at ease, we have recreated the most common spawning locations of your species. You may choose either [as Kodos lists the choices, he highlights a mock-up of each one] the back seat of a Camaro, an airplane bathroom, a friend’s wedding, or the alley behind a porno theater.
      Marge: I absolutely refuse to go along with this; [pause] but since I have no choice, I’ll take the alley.

      ——-

      But seriously, fuck this guy. And his dad too. Not hard to see where he gets it from when his dad’s like that.

      1. And the judge. And everyone involved in sentencing.

        Reading the statement, the 20 minutes of action line isn’t even the worst part. He also says that Brock can educate other college aged kids on the dangers of ‘alcohol consumption and sexual promiscuity.’

        Yeah, the problem here wasn’t promiscuity, you fucking prick

    4. “Come on, who HASN’T raped an unconscious person behind a dumpster ever? Come on!”

      1. “I’m sorry, I thought this was America!”

    5. The attitude of the father helps explain the guy’s lack of morals.

    1. insight the crowd? Psychic or x-rays?

    2. The author is “Weasel Zippers.” Is that a pseudonym, or is he a Frank Zappa lovechild?

      Also, I actually believe this article, regardless of the source.

      Sad.

    3. That’s a real press release as it’s been reported in more reputable news sources.

      “While several physical assaults did occur, the police personnel on scene had the difficult task of weighing the need to immediately apprehend the suspect(s) against the possibility that police action involving the use of physical force under the circumstances would further insight the crowd and produce more violent behavior.”

      There must be some kind of rule that only the dumbest people write police press releases. That’s the only way I can imagine they’d wind up writing ‘insight’

      1. I don’t think it was a mistake. I think that they were worried that the crowd would gain insight into the brutality of the police and produce more violent behavior.

    4. I haven’t focused on orange that long since going down on Boehner as he ate a bag of Cheetos.

  39. Anybody ever see one of these babies pop up in your hood yet? I swear I almost crashed my car.

    1. I see them all over downtown Fort Lauderdale. Friggin hilarious.

    2. Radio douche Erick Ericccsssson harped on this a couple months ago.

      Something to the effect of Bern victims are so stupid that they willfully go along with a campaign slogan reminiscent of gonorrhea.

      1. This rather bizarre image showed up in the google sidebar when I was trying to figure out how to spell ‘gonorrhea’.

    3. I watched a cool documentary last night about the history of Spring Break in Ft. Lauderdale and Daytona. Lots of college bikinis.

  40. Scott Adams: My Endorsement for President of the United States

    So I’ve decided to endorse Hillary Clinton for President, for my personal safety. Trump supporters don’t have any bad feelings about patriotic Americans such as myself, so I’ll be safe from that crowd. But Clinton supporters have convinced me ? and here I am being 100% serious ? that my safety is at risk if I am seen as supportive of Trump. So I’m taking the safe way out and endorsing Hillary Clinton for president.

    As I have often said, I have no psychic powers and I don’t know which candidate would be the best president. But I do know which outcome is most likely to get me killed by my fellow citizens. So for safety reason, I’m on team Clinton.

    My prediction remains that Trump will win in a landslide based on his superior persuasion skills. But don’t blame me for anything President Trump does in office because I endorse Clinton.

    The rest of you are on your own. Good luck.

    1. It’s Sanders’ nutty backers you have to worry about.

      1. You should be worried about anyone who is an active and vocal supporter of any of the remaining candidates.

        Because they are all batshit,

  41. Cuomo to Halt State Business With Groups That Back Boycott of Israel

    Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo of New York ordered agencies under his control on Sunday to divest themselves of companies and organizations aligned with a Palestinian-backed boycott movement against Israel.

    Wading into a delicate international issue, Mr. Cuomo set executive-branch and other state entities in opposition to the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions movement, or B.D.S., which has grown in popularity in some quarters of the United States and elsewhere, alarming Jewish leaders who fear its toll on Israel’s international image and economy.

    “We cannot allow that to happen,” the governor said, adding that, “If you boycott against Israel, New York will boycott you.”

    Mr. Cuomo, a Democrat, flexed his executive power ? a more familiar demonstration in the governor’s second term ? joking that passing legislation can “often be a tedious affair,” and saying instead he wanted “immediate action” on B.D.S., while challenging other governors to do the same.

    1. Congratulations Cuomo. You’re only forty years late to that party.

      https://www.bis.doc.gov/index.php/enforcement/oac

    2. Palestinian-backed

      Makes it sound like it was their idea.

  42. I think the kids parent or guardian that allowed that little kid to slip in the gorilla cage should be jailed for a VERY long time.

    http://www.Got-Anon.tk

    1. Oh, JoWaDat889, never change!

      1. I think he’s saying humans should be in zoos and the animals all free

        1. He’s saying all humans shall be assimilated.

  43. So, in case anyone is wondering, smoothing out a fucked-up uneven old hardwood floor with a drum sander is a suboptimal way to spend a couple weekends. But now my floors look spectacular.

    Holy shit, I’m old.

    1. 6 trillion years of living does puts a strain on the ol’ ticker

    2. I saw that done on a home improvement show and it only took 20 minutes.

      1. That Bob Vila motherfucker works fast, doesn’t he.

        1. When you’ve got Norm Abrams who cuts everything to fit on the first try…….

          1. Norm is a machine, it is known. Sent from the future to make all your home improvement projects look like shit by comparison.

          2. Norm is a machine, it is known. Sent from the future to make all your home improvement projects look like shit by comparison.

    3. I paid someone to do my upstairs hardware floors – tweren’t cheap but it saved my back and the inevitable destruction I would have done to the wood.

    4. Nice!! I need to do that to my 2nd floor – I’ve managed to put a lot of dents and scrapes in only 5 years and I just added new wood flooring to the 3rd floor (spending multiple weekends laying down 2,000 flooring cleats is also a suboptimal way to spend time).

      1. There are planetary grinder setups for doing wood floors. It’s lower risk and easier. The only downside is that there is so little tearout of the softwood that the floors can look almost artificial.

      2. If the finish is still intact, it’s probably not worth sanding down to bare wood and refinishing. The amount of sawdust it produces is unreal. And you might be able to get away with only using an orbital sander on the new floor, depending on how uneven the wood is.

        1. It’s not that uneven — it probably just needs a surface sanding and a fresh coat of poly on top.

    5. You should polish concrete some time. That makes wood floors seem simple.

      1. I guess this euphemism is less abstract than most here.

      2. I can’t say I’ve ever had that pleasure. Imagine my disappointment…

      3. I buff the Bishop all the time- it’s rock hard,

  44. Regarding parrots. I have had two African Greys. They are extremely intelligent, smarter than dogs. In fact my one pound grey dominates all three dogs, including the 70 pound retriever. They don’t merely mimic sounds, but will respond appropriately. Now, you can’t sit there and have a discussion with them, BUT when a grey says “don’t fucking shoot me”, i gotta say I think there is something to that. Frankly, I trust a grey picking up an emotional phrase like that more than I trust some dog that “alerts” on a car or a suitcase.

    1. A bunch of years ago some buddies and I went to a restaurant down in south Florida during spring training. There was a parrot cage there near the front door, and as we were waiting to be seated, so help me God one of the parrots says “fuck you” out loud as clear as day. We all looked at each for a moment or two, and just burst out laughing.

      1. Parrots make associations. He doesn’t know what “fuck you” means, but he learned it causes a reaction.
        I always said our parrots learned to use their power of speech for evil not good.

  45. The Bernie Sanders campaign accused local officials of fraud.

    According to the linked article, the fraud was that prison officials weren’t letting Sanders officials go into prison to help convicted prisoners vote.

    1. Has Bernie lost a single primary yet except due to fraud? His supporters don’t think so.

      1. Well look at who he’s competing with…

  46. This is the last week of school. Got an e-mail from the teacher last night saying that the kids should bring in their favorite board games today. Backpacks are banned too.

    I mean, what’s the point? Why not just end school last Friday?

    1. Just checking the boxes for state requirements at this point. SOL’s are over.

    2. I mean, what’s the point? Why not just end school last Friday?

      I’m pretty sure there’s a Federal and/or state subsidy and/or mandate tied to number of days in attendance. That, or a union contract stipulation.

      1. Yep. Dumb ass ‘days of school’ rules. Kids went on class trips to the falls in Michigan’s U.P. and Chicago last week. Dicking around this week and next. It’s so dumb. And next year they are starting a week earlier and still getting out mid June so they can confirm to new attendance rules for next year.

    3. Only terrorists use backpacks. It is known.

    4. Inmates should be allowed to have fun in the prison yard every once in a while.

  47. Chicago police officer admits, in court, to lying on the stand, and says that her supervisors encouraged her to lie.

    She won’t be prosecuted for perjury, because it’s really hard to convict police officers!

    Instead, she was “allowed to resign” as an officer. Wonder how quickly she got a new job in the next town over.

    1. Dammit, SF’d the link.

      Here it is.

    2. Your link is a lie.

    3. Here in New Hampshire we have something called the “Laurie List” of officers who’s testimony may be suspect. That is, they’ve done something, up to perjury. And their name goes on a list. nothing else, just a list.

      1. Everyone on the list gets a bonus at the end of the year, right?

    4. She’ll never get another job in law enforcement–she admitted in court that her superiors told her to lie under oath. The lying is not the problem in the minds of potential employers.

      1. She violated omerta.

    1. Next up: A ban on licking a taco suggestively.

      1. What her eat that Moo Goo Guy Pan.

          1. (misspelling deliberate)

        1. NO she ordered the cream of sum yun gai

          1. Does Garth know about Wayne’s proclivities?

    2. Goddammit, how are you SUPPOSED to eat a damn banana?

      1. Who says you have to eat a banana, comrade? You want commie bananas, go to Cuba.

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  49. RE: A prosecutor in Michigan says he won’t call a parrot to testify in a murder case.

    I guess Polly doesn’t want a cracker.

  50. RE: The government of Luxembourg will spend $223 million on initiatives related to asteroid mining.

    A great investment.
    If only our socialist slavers in Washington, DC would do that.
    Can anyone out there think of a better way to waste tax dollars than that?
    I can’t.

  51. RE: The Golden State Warriors defeated Cleveland by more than 30 points to take a 2-0 lead in the NBA Finals.

    Cleveland has an NBA team?
    Would’ve fooled me.

  52. RE: Hillary Clinton won the Puerto Rico primary.

    Oh goody, goody gum drops.
    When Heil Hitlery is elected to dictator for life, she will bail out PR.
    I’m sure she will use her own money to make PR financial stable and never even think of bail our PR with taxpayer’s money.

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