An Open Letter From the GOP to the State's Criminal Class

A. Barton Hinkle takes McAuliffe up on the challenge of earning the votes of ex-felons


McAuliffe to GOP: 'Quit complaining' and earn ex-felons' vote

    - Politico, April 24

Dear Friend,

I am writing to congratulate you on the restoration of your voting rights. As someone who has been on the receiving end of the law, you understand better than any of us the critical factors that should be considered by those who write it.

That is why I am encouraging you to cast your ballot for the Republican Party in this year's elections and help us stop Hillary Clinton.

In 1994, Clinton's husband Bill signed a crime bill that:

  • Created 60 new death penalty offenses;
  • Revoked Pell Grants for inmates pursuing higher education;
  • Made membership in a gang a federal offense;
  • Authorized 100,000 more police officers; and
  • Imposed the infamous "three-strikes" law for repeat offenders.

Friend, I don't need to tell you what effect this law had on millions of individuals just like yourself. Yet Hillary praised that bill for locking up violent offenders "so they never get out again."

Later, as Secretary of State, Hillary spearheaded the Merida Initiative — "an unprecedented partnership between the United States and Mexico to fight organized crime."

Is this the kind of person you want as President of the United States?!?!

Me neither.

And we don't need some cell warrior who sells wolf tickets from the Oval Office, either. We need a straight-up shot caller with the keys who can handle his business — someone like Donald Trump. Check it: One time, dude got a state government agency to take an old lady's house so he could build a limousine parking lot. (Some wack judge stopped them, tho, and ain't that a load of b.s.?)

Friend, Republicans understand what life is like for prison inmates. Heck, some of them have been prison inmates! A partial list includes former Illinois Gov. George H. Ryan (fraud and racketeering), former Arizona Rep. Rick Renzi (corruption), Randy "Duke" Cunningham (bribery, fraud, tax evasion), and White House fixer G. Gordon Liddy (Watergate). Many more would have gone to prison too, if they didn't have slick lawyers and friends in high places.

Still, I don't expect you to get in our "car" without getting something in return. That ain't how s--- works, inside rails or out in the world. You ain't nobody's punk, amirite?

Friend, we are going to fix you up. Aryan Nation, Nuestra Familia, Black Guerrilla family — it doesn't matter. We got your back.

First off, we are going to give you a ride to the polls on Nov. 8. And I don't mean a converted school bus with chicken wire on the windows and Cameron Poe for a seatmate, either. I am talking about a double-decker Greyhound with reclining seats and air conditioning. There will also be a spread of baked fish, cat heads, hot Ramen noodles, coffee, sweet tea, and wham-whams.

Second, if you will support the GOP financially or through an in-kind contribution, we will send you a token of our appreciation.

  • For a donation of two books of stamps, we will send you a binky.
  • For a carton of bats, we will send you a shiv.
  • For two or more cartons, you will receive a quart of pruno or a lock-in-a-sock. Your choice!
  • If you dry-snitch primo 411 on the Democrats, we will send you a bindle of tuchie (K2).
  • And if you molly-whop a Democratic poll worker, we will send you a custom-made shank individually autographed by former Gov. and Sen. George F. Allen himself!

Real talk. We're not playing.

Friend, can we count on your support this November? Please signify your assent by sending a kite — use the enclosed stamped, self-addressed pledge card — as soon as possible.

Sincerely Yours,

This column originally appeared at the Richmond-Times Dispatch.

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27 responses to “An Open Letter From the GOP to the State's Criminal Class

  1. I am glad to have not recognized the meaning of most of what was promised to the X-Felons in exchange for their support.

    1. 'The X-Felons'? Is that a new Marvel title?

  2. "I agree with the Latin Kings on social issues, but fiscally I'm more of an Aryan."

    1. "MS-13 for $13!" = new minimum wage slogan

  3. I don't have clue one what in the hell he just wrote.

  4. If only the GOP were more serious about criminal justice reform... these guys would still vote Democrat.

  5. All humor aside, I think both parties pretty much agree that if you're an ex felon, every single institutional barrier that can possibly be erected against you should be. For the children. Digging yourself out of a hole at probably the lowest and weakest point in your entire life isn't hard enough, the full power of the state needs to be hurled against you to make it even harder. For the children, of course.

    1. As long as it's for the children...

    2. Both parties, yes. Because being "soft on crime" is a non-starter with the soccer moms. BUT, individual politicians from both parties have embraced restoration of rights for ex-felons (those who have served their sentences). Rand Paul introduced a bill to this effect in the US Senate, but it died in committee.

      Also, see below (forthcoming).

  6. I cant aimagine anyone with a single ounce of common sense voting for that crook Hillary.

    1. Take one to know one, JoWa. Amirite!?

  7. Cell Warrior: An inmate who acts tough when locked in his cell, but is a coward face-to-face.

    Wolf Tickets: To talk tough or challenge others, without any intent to back it up with action or violence, as in "He's just selling wolf tickets."

    PRUNO: Prison wine.

    BINKY: ???

    BAT: Cigarette

    CAT HEADS: Large biscuits. Southern dialect, not prison slang.

    SHIV: Improvised knife, generally more stabby than cut-y.

    LOCK-IN-A-SOCK: Improvised blackjack made by putting a combo lock into a sock (duh).

    Dry Snitching: To inform on another inmate indirectly by talking loudly about their actions or behaving suspiciously in front of correctional officers; supply general information to officers without naming names.

    411: Information. (also used outside prison)

    Tuchie/K2/Spice: Street legal marijuana analogue, sometimes called synthetic mj.

    Molly Whopped: To kick someone's ass in a fight or to get your ass kicked in a fight

    Kite: A contraband note written on a small piece of paper and passed to others through underground methods.

    Sources: Hier und hear.

    1. BINKY: ???

      I only know it as another name for a baby's pacifier.

      1. Yeah, I can't find anything else, either. Maybe Hink messed up. Or, he's just totally gangsta. (LOL)

        1. a binky is a home made intravenous needle

          1. combining the words "intravenous" with "home-made" is instantly terrifying.

    2. I can envision where some of those could be used around here until the novelty fades.

  8. Libertarians should be wary of jumping on the tough-on-crime bandwagon. Look at some of the BS felonies that have been concocted: Mere possession (defined as ownersip) of firearms that the government doesn't like, or mere possession (ibid) of firearms while doing something that the government doesn't like. Possession and ingestion of plants and other substances that the government doesn't like. So, we should be all for restoration of rights for prisoners who have served their sentences.

    1. I'm wary of democrat operatives abusing their authority to pump up the democrat voter rolls.

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