The Minnesota Vikings' New Stadium is Actually a Jawa Sandcrawler

It's the most plausible explanation for the ballooning costs.

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The Jawa, a meter-tall hooded humanoid with glowing yellow eyes, has a well-earned, intergalactic reputation as a huckster. Jawas scavenge the sand dunes of Tatooine, looking for scrap metal and stray droids to seize. From their monumental fortress-homes, known as sandcrawlers, they sell hastily refurbished junk to a desperate and unsuspecting local populace.

And for those of us craving an explanation for how the Minnesota Vikings' new, taxpayer-subsidized U.S. Bank Stadium could cost over a billion dollars, I offer you this Star Wars-inspired smoking laser gun:

Football stadium or Jawa sandcrawler? You make the call.

Stadium-boosting politicians usually stand more than one meter tall and they rarely display their glowing eyes in full view of the voting public. But hardly a week goes by when they're not foisting stadium-shaped hunks of scrap metal on communities eager for entertainment and economic development. And with it come all the hazards found at the intersection of politics and real estate: delays, back-room deals, cost overruns, eminent domain seizures, and this week, arrests by the FBI for cooking the books.

Sometimes the promised development comes. Usually, it doesn't.

For decades, Hartford, Connecticut has been a Tatooine-like desert of economic development. Its new taxpayer-subsidized baseball stadium, still under construction, began with promises of a new hotel, a supermarket, a brewery, and more. The story lurking underneath the hopes and the promises, however, doesn't bode well for a troubled project that's already two months late and $10 million over budget. Watch the video below for an entertaining look at how ballparks really get made.

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  1. Two things:

    In the movie the Jawas didn’t steal from the citizens before foisting low-quality goods upon them, and, secondly, the citizenry didn’t have to see the ugliness of the sandcrawler everyday in their community.

    (Nice picture juxtaposition, Todd)

    1. They nearly got away with offloading a faulty astromech on the Lars, so there’s a lemon law violation in spirit if not in fact. and I don’t know what property laws prevail on Tatooine but they took no time to find their original owners before selling them. At least take an ad out in the Mos Eisley Gazette or check with the local constabulary.

      1. The Lars’s were easy pickings for the Jews Jawas to rip off.

      2. the local constabulary.

        You mean the Huts? They never really kept order as much as manipulated the residents into sharecropper-like status as well as skim money through the spaceport. They did, however, run smuggled goods and violate the trade embargoes imposed by the galactic empire. So at least they were free-traders.

        1. you got Lar’s but(t) fucked up Hutts. thank you for playing.

          1. Lars’s, even. *puts game back in box and returns to store*

    2. Never mind the Jawas, it’s the Ferenghi who really know how to drive a hard bargain.

      1. Remember when those crafty Ferenghi won the Millennium Falcon in a game of cards?

          1. Which is a card game

            1. They’re nothing more nerdy and needless pedantry.

              1. … than needless pedantry….

  2. Sticking to Charles’ theme, I also have two things.

    The team and I have been working on the cut-off man concept. Trust, this was necessary. In our first game, short stop kept running the ball everywhere (“Why are you running? Throw it!“). There’s also the baby chick tendency – half the field runs after the ball in a mass, like baby chicks chasing a worm. Frankly, most kids in coach-pitch can’t throw very far but that usually doesn’t matter because they also can’t hit very far.

    So there we were. Crack! The batter pegged one cold, solid low fly to deep center-left. And like baby chicks… I notice and yell, “Relay, relay!” Left field pours on the gas, center stops to intercept, short stops diverts to assist it to second, who covers her base for incoming.

    Play stopped at second. Lemme tell ya, guys. Tears of joy.

    Here’s the second thing.

    1. My daughters played youth soccer so I definately relate to the baby chick concept. Not every girl would crowd around the ball though. There was usually one that would hang back and her and the goalie would help each other with their hair accessories.

    2. As far as the second thing. What do we want? Abject poverty! When do we want it? Now!

    3. I managed little league for one year and did so well that my son never played baseball again and the league said I didn’t really understand the “spirit” of little league when I refused to give my kids participation trophies.

      I also won the last game of the season and kept an asshole coach out of the playoffs because he deliberately used a pitcher that had gone over his pitch count so he could use his star in the playoff game. That guy was a cocksucker and I was so happy to have done what I did. (The game was put under protest and it meant he was going to have to play three extra innings and burn through the good pitcher to win…and they had to win to get in. So the prick pulled his kids off the field and abandoned the game thinking the league would let him in but they didn’t.)

    4. Can I sue climate activists for consigning future generations to poverty? Hell, there’s almost a moral case for the bribes developing nations are demanding from the first world, not due to any supposed harms of global warming but for putting the brakes on global prosperity.

      Young people and unborn generations are being discriminated against when it comes to the U.S. propagation of climate change.

      Show us the damages, then. Because your form of generational discrimination is a mathematical certainty.

  3. I offer you this Star Wars-inspired smoking laser gun

    They’re blasters! Jeez…

  4. Somebody should probably point out, too, that the whole iconography surrounding the team is pretty racist. Like Scandinavians walk around with long, blond braided hair and wear horns on their heads or something.

    And never mind that they’re making African-American players walk around with stereotypical Norse horns on their heads–maybe no one will notice? Well, I noticed. Nice try, you racist fucks!

    1. + Purple People Eaters

    2. Heimdall would like a word with you

      1. Gonna have to rewrite the Immigrant Song.

        Just so long as it’s tasteful.

        1. Well, I got nothing.

          Nothing tasteful, that is.

  5. I’ve moved on to the last eight Flintstone chewable vitamins Tuesday’s half finished Mickey’s. I gotta go shopping.

  6. I really like Bridgewater. Looking forward to a good year. In other Viking news, Jared Allen signing one day deal so he can retire as Viking.

    http://www.dailynorseman.com/2…..s-a-viking

  7. So when the Vikings play the team from Oakland, can we,call them the Tusken Raiders?

    1. Used too much Force? on that joke

  8. We come from the land of the ice and snow, we need a bunch of money to blow…

    1. It was either a stadium or a community ice fishing hut

  9. OT: Saudis to dump T-Bills if 9/11 bill passes

    http://mobile.nytimes.com/2016…..-911-bill/

    1. Is this a real threat? Would it hurt the Saudis less than it would hurt us?

      Perhaps this threat (should it be serious) is an unintended consequence of the “they give us stuff, we give them pieces of paper, are we smart or what” theory of international trade.

      What do our experts say?

      1. Is this a real threat? Would it hurt the Saudis less than it would hurt us?

        They’ve already sold about 150bn in the last 18 months, and will probably dump 250bn more in the future regardless due to v/ low oil prices.

        the threat to dump more would have a marginal effect in raising yields. i don’t think there’s any real likelihood of 750bn or so being dumped just to make some symbolic point. cutting off one’s nose to spite face-type-thing; makes good rhetoric which no one really believes.

        the Saudis have been irritated with the US due to a combination of Arab Spring-related ‘inconsideration to their interests’, US oil-production eating into their global market share, and recently ‘handing their mortal enemies hundreds of billions in cash and free-license to develop missiles’, etc.

        re: my point below about jawboning – when people are about to go into direct-face-to-face diplomatic meetings? they tend to drop a lot of stinky noise into the press about their issues beforehand.

        interesting piece this week about how the US continues to pretend it has “Allies” in the Gulf region, when it doesn’t even really have any solid “partners”

        1. We need to gtfo and stfo. Let them sort it out.

      2. I’d say it’s a lot more a consequence of our “hey, we can borrow indefinitely with no consequences ever” theory of government finance.

    2. President Obama will arrive in Riyadh on Wednesday for meetings with King Salman and other Saudi officials. It is unclear whether the dispute over the Sept. 11 legislation will be on the agenda for the talks.

      Total coincidence, naturally.

  10. Fuckin’ hicks

    THESE days, in the thick of the American presidential primaries, it’s easy to see how the 50 states continue to drive the political system. But increasingly, that’s all they drive ? socially and economically, America is reorganizing itself around regional infrastructure lines and metropolitan clusters that ignore state and even national borders. The problem is, the political system hasn’t caught up.

    America faces a two-part problem. It’s no secret that the country has fallen behind on infrastructure spending. But it’s not just a matter of how much is spent on catching up, but how and where it is spent. Advanced economies in Western Europe and Asia are reorienting themselves around robust urban clusters of advanced industry. Unfortunately, American policy making remains wedded to an antiquated political structure of 50 distinct states.

    Fuck federalism, let’s get some Top Men on the job!

    I, for one, welcome our new Coastal Elite overlords.

    1. Isn’t this spontaneous order?

    2. So, basically the typical leftist rant about how we need high speed rail?

      1. See my post just below; of the $66b unspent, close to $7.5b is for high-speed or intercity rail.

    3. Well, of the $66+ billion in the ARRA which remains unspent, $4+ billion can be used on highway infrastructure:

      http://www.csg.org/pubs/capito…..e83_2.aspx

    4. Congress was once a world leader in regional planning. The Louisiana Purchase, the Pacific Railroad Act (which financed railway expansion from Iowa to San Francisco with government bonds) and the Interstate System of highways are all examples of the federal government’s thinking about economic development at continental scale. The Tennessee Valley Authority was an agent of post-Depression infrastructure renewal, job creation and industrial modernization cutting across six states.

      What is needed, in some ways, is a return to this more flexible, broader way of thinking

      i.e. MORE FEDERAL CONTROL OF EVERYTHING!

    5. We should always be reminded = Long form editorial pieces in the Sunday NYT (or NYT magazine) is the shit they know is too economically illiterate and insane to actually publish during the week, when it would actually attract critical attention.

      They’re supposed to be ‘thought pieces’ for suburban housewives to discuss over brunch and feel very informed and intellectual.

    6. Amy F Boston 2 hours ago

      The region with MI wins? they have all the fresh water. And that’s all that will matter in the future.

    7. We all know how this bullshit works….

      “ERMIGAAAADDDD!!!!ELEVENTY111!!! IF WE DON’T FORK OVER A SHITLOAD OF MONEY RIGHT NOW WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE AND BE POOR!!!!11!!!”
      “Okay, okay…we’ll write you this giant check for infrastructure spending.”
      “Good. But, you know, we really do need to ensure that this money is spent to provide prevailing wage jobs. With sufficient participation of underrepresented demographics. And we will need to ensure that any project is sufficiently vetted with environmental impact, urban aesthetic, and community integrity reviews. And we’ll need to use some of this to pursue projects in underserved regions. And, of course, what’s so special about roads. China and Europe have done some wonderful things with high speed rail….”

      1. ^This. There actually *are* infrastructure needs that are being neglected but it’s so fucking expensive to address them because of politics and union bullshit.

  11. The Northeastern megalopolis, stretching from Boston to Washington, contains more than 50 million people and represents 20 percent of America’s gross domestic product. Greater Los Angeles accounts for more than 10 percent of G.D.P. These city-states matter far more than most American states ? and connectivity to these urban clusters determines Americans’ long-term economic viability far more than which state they reside in.

    This reshuffling has profound economic consequences. America is increasingly divided not between red states and blue states, but between connected hubs and disconnected backwaters. Bruce Katz of the Brookings Institution has pointed out that of America’s 350 major metro areas, the cities with more than three million people have rebounded far better from the financial crisis. Meanwhile, smaller cities like Dayton, Ohio, already floundering, have been falling further behind, as have countless disconnected small towns across the country.

    You know what would really fix “flyover country”?

    Bombers. Lots of bombers, and lots of bombs.

    1. I refuse to click the link, but the gist of the argument is that we should all be huddled into urban centers by top men because they are betterz. It’s the same philosophy that leads to massive ghost cities in China, basically.

    2. It’s not exactly Mega City One yet. If they want to see a megalopolis they should look at Seoul or Manila (one city slowly expanding outwards engulfing all the surrounding ones).

    3. Northeast liberals are determined to either poison themselves with feces-borne diseases or starve themselves to death.

      Funny they mention Dayton, which is basically a far-flung suburb of Cincinnati at this point, and therefore by definition should be doing fine, while ignoring cesspools like Providence, Springfield, Hartford, and Bridgeport which are actually part of the megalopolis they claim is doing well.

  12. TO make these things happen requires thinking beyond states. Washington currently provides minimal support for regional economic efforts and strategies; it needs to go much further, even at the risk of upsetting established federal-state political balances. A national infrastructure bank, if it ever gets off the ground, should have as part of its charter an obligation to ignore state lines when weighing projects to support.

    Consider how parts of the Rust Belt could benefit from this approach. A Midwestern high-speed rail network that ran from Southern Illinois to Southern Michigan would not just link wealthy investment hubs like Louisville, Ky., and Columbus, Ohio; by tying in high-unemployment cities like Dayton, it would make it easier for workers to commute to where the jobs are.

    We should quit fucking around and just make Janet Yellin queen for life.

    1. So, if I understand this: high-speed rail will solve all our problems. Because lots of people in Dayton will commute to Columbus every day. OK.

      It sounds like the commuter network in Caves of Steel.

      1. Dayton people need to stay in Dayton

      2. Of course. It’s too long of a commute by horse and buggy.

    2. Notice they say “commute to where the jobs are” rather that mention anything about productivity.

      It would be cheaper and more productive to give every unemployed person in Dayton $30K each year for 30 years than it would cost to build one high-speed rail line from Dayton to Columbus. And a lot less fossil fuel would be wasted.

      1. Yes but the citizens of Dayton do not make political contributions as kickbacks the way the construction and railway-union lobbyists do

    3. Why don’t we cut off welfare to those who can work and see if they can’t figure out how to get to where the jobs are on their own.

  13. lots of people in Dayton will commute to Columbus every day. OK.

    The world needs Pullman porters, too.

  14. But doesn’t every dollar spent on the stadium represent a dollar more in job creation, and isn’t that a good thing? Why, if these people were smart, they’d pay a demolition crew to tear down the stadium the day after it was built and start it all over again. Just think of the economic impact of permanent rather than temporary construction jobs!

    1. It’s why we need high tariffs on Chinese goods, so that all those sweatshop jobs will come back home. Killing prosperity for the sake of makework jobs is how economies grow.

  15. And what is the Vikings stadium actually intended to represent – the Titanic or Noah’s Ark or Tintin’s hair-do or what?

    1. To crib from a local sports columnist, it’s the “Taj Ma Zygi”. Our local politicians are too socialist to arrange a good kickback for themselves.

  16. So I spent the morning at a farmer’s market. It’s my first time there. And you know what? Besides all the anti-corporatist yuppyism, the place was emblematic of capitalist success. Besides all the entrepreneurial spirit and selfless bootstrap independence, there’s a certain irony in middle-class dweebs congregating to pay top dollar for mundane produce and baked goods. It’s just another boutique shopping experience applied to agriculture for people with more dollars than sense. Granted, these are people for whom the idea of growing “heirloom” vegetables is a more admirable proposition than the incredible fact that our country managed to free a solid sixty percent of its workforce from subsistence agriculture to work in other productive segments of its economy, but that aside, it’s heartening to see capitalism prevail even in quarters it’s reviled.

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  18. RE: The Minnesota Vikings’ New Stadium is Actually a Jawa Sandcrawler
    It’s the most plausible explanation for the ballooning costs.

    There would less corruption with less government.
    But then, our ruling elitist turds enslaving us would starve.
    Gee, what a horrible thought that is.

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