Reason Weekly Contest: Put a Note in Your Sheltered Child's Lunchbox
Last week's winners revealed.


Welcome back to the Reason Weekly Contest! This week's question is:
As the school year begins, bloggers are posting all sorts of cute notes for parents to pack in their kids' lunchboxes to "stay connected" during the whole six hours they will be apart. Come up with one other back-to-school tip that assumes this generation of kids is so fragile, the kids need constant reassurance.
How to enter: Submissions should be e-mailed to contest@reason.com. Please include your name, city, and state. This week, kindly type "KIDS" in the subject line. Entries are due by 11 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday, Aug. 31. Winners will appear Friday, Sept. 4, right here at Reason.com.
In the case of identical or similar entries, the first one received gets credit. First prize is a one-year digital subscription to Reason magazine, plus bragging rights. While we appreciate kibbitzing in the comments below, you must email your answer to enter the contest. Feel free to enter more than once, and good luck!
And now for the results of last week's contest: After Hamas arrested a dolphin for being an Israeli spy, we asked you to come up with the title of a movie that might inspire. We flipped for:
THE WINNER: Tinker Tailor Dolphin Spy — Parrish Miller, Boise, ID
SECOND PLACE: You Don't Mess With The Dolphin — Matt Ceanfaglione, Baltimore, MD
THIRD PLACE: Orcapussy — Tracy Davis, Lawrence, KS
HONORABLE MENTIONS
The Day of the Dolphin — Mike Devlin, FOB Dalhke, Afghanistan
Flip Her — Doug Rankin, Santa Fe, NM
The Spy Who Came In From the Wet — Earl Wertheimer, Montreal, Quebec
Goldflipper — Jack Saltzberg, Los Angeles, CA
Swim Another Day — Chris Pfeifle, Oviedo, FL
Shalomy Finn: Mammal of Mystery — Kristin Lewis, Stanley, NC
Dolphinfidel — Edward Cox, Austin, TX
Free Shmuelly — Sarah Delaney, Mississauga, Ontario, Canada
Dolph Lundgren and the Dorsal of Doom — Adam Marx, Hopkins, MN
The Porpoise-Driven Life — Robert Ryan, Dallas City, IL
The Dolphin Who Knew Too Much — Anne Jablinske, Prescott, AZ
H2-007: When a SEAL isn't good enough — Bruce A. Standlee, Benbrook, TX
When a gigantic dolphin begins to menace the small island community of Gaza, a Hamas chief, a marine mullah, and grizzled PLO operative set out to stop it.
From the director of "Indiana Jones" and "Munich" comes this shocking terror-fest.
You'll never go back in the water!
"JEWS" — Bobarian, Vine Grove KY
Goldfin — Nick Mikulicich, Redondo Beach, CA
Dolphin Force (starring Chuck Porpoise) — Everett Babiuk, Sherwood Park, Alberta, Canada
License to Krill — Bob Woolley, Asheville, NC
Exodus II: Let My Dolphin Go — Diane Roseman and Ella Spitz, Cambridge, MA
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Popehat ?@Popehat 1m1 minute ago
It is acceptable to eat Chicago-style, deep dish pizza with a knife and fork. But this is not pizza.
Popehat is trolling us.
He is correct - it is not pizza. Is is casserole, and as such there is no offense by using a knife and fork to consume it.
Yes
There's deep-dish pizza and flatbread pizza, and they're both legitimate expressions of pizza and we should value and cherish them equally.
Next you'll be trying to claim that Italian Tomato pie is pizza too.
FUCK YOU! NO QUARTER! NO MERCY!!
*brandishes pizza cutter*
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slicing the pizza.
Needs MOAR mayonnaise and ketchup.
No.
I will accept pizza flavored
Someone needs to sue Chicago
"If you aren't self-reliant by now, I have no child"
"Ask you teacher to explain where Antidisestablishmentarianism came from"
"I ate your snacks."
Don't get pregnent
Trade for whatever you want - you're getting a goddamned bologna sandwich and a bag of Lays.
Never start a fight, but always finish them.
"One of these items is poisoned, but another has an antidote - which is itself poisonous if not already poisoned by the first. So make sure you eat it all, and in the correct order"
"The lunch meat may be a bit 'off' we got it from the discount bin (aka the dumpster behind the store)"
Avoid all Subway restaurants.
"Did I mention how much I love you when I tucked you in last night? No?
Think about that while you're at school today. Dad"
"This was supposed to be your brother's lunch - last week."
"I'm sorry, it's deep dish. Someone stole the real pizza."
"If you find liver - bring it back, it was supposed to go in the box for outgoing 'donations'."
"For the rest of the day, address your teacher as 'Mister Lizard'."
"It's a well-known fact that there's a secret society of the 5 wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentaverate, who run everything in the world including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually in a secret country mansion in Colorado known as The Meadows. So who's in this Pentaverate? The Queen, the Gettys, the Rothschilds, the Vatican...and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up!"
"Your salad is a mix of dandilion and poison ivy. Trade it to an unsuspecting Vegan, Tell them it's organic, locally grown on a family 'farm'."
I wonder how many seconds before s/he realizes it's not mustard or radish greens.
"A-? That's an A minus my love for you."
(blatantly stolen)
"In case of school shooting, the hard tack can be used as body armor."
As can the other children.
"Ape must not kill ape."
"If you find my rum, don't tell the staff, just quietly bring it home."
"If you can't read this note, blame the Koch brothers"
Make sure you keep your lunch bag well hidden so the cafeteria monitors don't take it away and make you eat school food.
"Made from 100% Soylent Green."
"PS, ask the lunch staff to explain it."
"If CPS manages to find you today deny everything. Burn this note."
"Cleaning, like seduction, should be done from the top down ? starting with the ceiling, which is ridiculous. Gravity takes care of that."
-P.J. O'Rourke
"When the cops show up to do a random drug search, slip this packet into the bully's bag."
"Shriek and claim you saw a mouse."
"Only 8% of your classmates think this is a good idea."
The two pieces of bread with something in the middle is called a sandwich. You eat a sandwich by carefully placing one edge into your open mouth. Once the edge is in your mouth, bite down slowly so that one small piece cokes apart from the rest. Carefully chew the sandwich piece until you feel you're ready to swallow it. Don't rush, you don't want to hurt yourself. After you swallow the first bite, place the sandwich into your open mouth again and repeat the steps. You can do it, honey. I believe in you.
PS - I gave you peanut butter so you wouldn't get a booboo in your mouth. If you see someone near you having trouble breathing, don't worry, they just got stuck with a school lunch.
*comes apart from the rest.
Fucking phone.
Reminds me of a pair of socks that had the directions to putting them on printed on the bag.
"Included: One 20oz Diet Coke, 6 Mentos. You know what to do."
"Don't ask where Fluffy went, just enjoy your lunch."
"Sell the extras for no less than $2 per item. We need to turn a profit."
"Swap this shoggoth for the cafeteria pudding, your classmates will thank you."
"Don't forget to pray to the dark gods after lunch."
Dark gods aren't Christian so you shouldn't get in trouble.
"We couldn't afford that pony you wanted, but we got you the next best thing - French Lasagna!"
Breathe deep the gathering gloom,
Watch lights fade from every room.
Breathe deep the gathering gloom,
Watch lights fade from every room.
Breathe deep the gathering gloom,
Watch lights fade from every room.
Apparently the squirrels like Moody Blues.
"If you see Paolo, tell him to get his ass back to the polishing room."
"No, the wooden plank is not your lunch. Take it, find the kid with the best lunch, hit them over the head with the plank and claim their lunch."
"The sawdust was a placeholder."
Don't have sex with the teacher.
wouldn't that depend on how hot the teacher was and the gender of the student?
"Replace the paper cups in the teacher's lounge with this stack. Wash your hands immediately after handling these cups. I mean it, right away."
If I get a call from the principle, you're spending the weekend at Uncle Warty's
Typical Libertarian. Principle over principals.
Don't ever let them see you cry.
All of the staff is going to try and convince you that you're gay. Just ignore them.
"If, at the end of the day, you're the one in tears, you're doing it wrong. Hit them where it hurts."
Most of your classmates will be idiots. Get used to that feeling.
"Plug this USB stick into the desktop in the principal's office when they drag you there today."
If you sneak home for lunch, ignore the sounds coming from the bedroom.
"Yes, you were 'adopted', but don't try to find your birth parents, we hid them too well."
"By the time you get home, we will have moved out."
Sit next to the Asian kid.
"If someone claims microagression, show them what a macroaggression looks like."
"It's 'Fish'. Don't eat it all, or you'll have mercury poisoning."
"It puts the food in its mouth, or it gets the hose again."
"Put the fucking food in your mouth"
"Pull the pin and throw... the grenade, not the pin."
"This is blood, not tomato soup. Take it into the restroom and apply liberally to the walls."
"If you hear something moving above the ceiling, it's just a drone. Don't mention it, even after the screaming starts."
"Don't tell the teacher that you have four mommies and only one daddy."
"Your parents have been replaced by aliens. Don't trust them."
"Remember - not everything I say is true."
"Why the hell are you crying? Keep it up and I'll give you something to cry about."
"Why the hell are you crying? Keep it up and I'll give you something to cry about."
"You got this shit sandwich because I always liked your brother more".
Your teachers are government employees. And remember what we do to government employees
"Yes, these are the brownies you 'give' to your teacher. Yes, this is how you'll fund your college education".
"The smart phone in this lunch box is set to Uber. If at any time you've had enough of school today, the Uber man in his nice SUV will take you back home."
"If a boy pulls on your pigtails, tell a teacher breather cause you have been raped."
*because.
Stupid autocorrect.