Sex

PornHub's Space Sex Tape: An Awesome Idea That's Probably Not Going to Work

The online porn repository is crowdfunding a giant leap for sexploration.

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Eva Lovia
PornHub

PornHub calls itself the "#1 free porn site in the world," (link is NSFW, obviously) but has now decided that tagline is too modest.

"The production of the video will begin when the spaceship takes flight. Filming will commence upon takeoff and as the ship climbs, so too will the lovemaking…As soon as the ship reaches its maximum altitude there will be weightlessness for at least a few minutes. Our actors will be having sex and climaxing within that time frame—ideally, of course." PornHub Vice President Corey Price explained to the Huffington Post.

The site is looking to raise $3.4 million to train and equip astronaut/porn stars to send them into space. PornHub has already chosen the actors, including the charming Eva Lovia pictured at right. The rest of the plan seems pretty vague, and so far it's only 1 percent funded. 

Believe me, I want to see space porn as much as the next gal. And I believe in the power of pornography to drive new technologies, so I think interest in zero-g smut would likely provide a boost for even more important space commerce, such as asteroid mining and colonization.

But here are a few boner-killing things PornHub execs should probably know before they (literally) launch their space porn initiative: 

1) Sex in space can be tricky. I reported on this important topic for Reason back in 2007

According to Vanna Bonta, a poet and space sexpert with a sweet, breathy voice, ?"Zero gravity could cause a slight decrease in the size of the erect penis because of the heart not working hard, or low blood pressure.?"

2) Sex in space could have tragic results: 

?"One of the by-­products of sex is people,?" said Bonta. Unlike in Vegas, what happens in space does not stay in space, and there?'s a major concern that babies born off planet would not be able to return to Earth. It?'s pretty clear that conception doesn?'t require gravity, but ?"there may be some problems with embryo survival.?" And fetuses can?'t take gravity-­simulation countermeasures, such as exercise with weights and running on a treadmill, which even adults staying in space for a relatively short period must do.

3) PornHub isn't the first company to have this idea: In 2006, Laura Woodmansee wrote a book called Sex in Space, which chronicled plans to make a porno on the (late) Mir space station. They didn't work out. 

4) The physics are going to be tough. (But there's a silver lining to this one):

There may already be a fetish community out there tailor-made for this market: bondage. According to Bonta, space sex will require ?"stabilization rooms?" with handles, cubicles, Velcro, and bungee cords. It turns out that Newton?'s Third Law?—the one about equal and opposite reactions?—makes sex in low gravity something of a logistical challenge.

5) Newt Gingrich has been totally into this idea since at least 1984: 

In his 1984 book, Window of Opportunity (and again in his 1994 book, To Renew America), he suggested that private space flight would open up business opportunities for space tourism—specifically for honeymooning couples. As he put it: "Imagine weightlessness and its effects and you will understand some of the attraction."

6) Current providers of quick zero-g trips often refer to their vehicles as "vomit comets." Just sayin'.

Here's the incredibly awkward IndieGoGo video, which features a grown man making obscene hand gestures as well as some suggestive footage of space vehicles docking. Watch at your own risk:

NEXT: Jeb Makes It Official, Rachel Dolezal Retires, Xbox360 News at E3: P.M. Links

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  1. I think it could be done once, but you’re going to have problems when attempting re-entry.

  2. Open the pod bay door.

  3. I don’t see why they don’t do a dry run (ZING!) in a Vomit Comet and see how it works out. It would be immeasurably cheaper. Yeah, it’s not really the same, but some of the kinks (DOUBLE ZING!) could be worked out.

    You’re right, Katherine, it’s double entendres all the way down.

    1. Epi, thanks for the Danger 5 recommendation. That show really is crazy. The perfect Chinese whisper.

      1. My pleasure. I tried watching a season 2 episode last night after getting really stoned, and it was pure insanity. Season 2 is nuttier than season one, if that’s possible.

        1. I have been watching it sober and I am messed up just enough to appreciate it. The perfect Carlos Sultana.

  4. I have occasionally wondered if anyone has had sex in space yet. No one seems to be admitting to it if they have.

    1. Seems unlikely that it hasn’t happened yet, but it’s not impossible.

      No idea how anyone analyzing the possibility can say that space sex is hard or infeasible. Humans do plenty in space that they do on Earth; why not sex?

      I guarantee zero-gravity sex will be a huge part of space tourism.

      1. No idea how anyone analyzing the possibility can say that space sex is hard or infeasible. Humans do plenty in space that they do on Earth; why not sex?

        Agreed.

        Intertwine these appendages, wrap those, firm grasp, and… the whole maneuver is a rather elaborate docking procedure and anyone who’s done the deed in a body of water on Earth has dealt with, not only with lack of gravity, inertia, and few/no solid surfaces but with the added stress of transient bouts of loss of oxygen.

        1. Well, lots of normal stuff is hard in space. I don’t think it will be easy. But of course peopel will figure it out and get good at it. It could lead to some very interesting innovations.

      2. I’m sure people will figure it out if they haven’t already. But you would really need some kind of equipment, or very specialized positions. Most sexual positions/techniques rely quite a lot on gravity.
        I suppose a somewhat snug sleeping bag sized for two could be a fairly simple solution.
        I’d certainly be up for giving it a shot, given the opportunity.

        1. It’s called a “two suit”.

      3. Seems unlikely that it hasn’t happened yet, but it’s not impossible.

        What went on in the Soyuz program, stays in the Soyuz program.

    2. Surely one of the cosmonauts has jerked it in space.

      1. Probably on orders. “All right, John, now that you’ve finished Mission Objective #17, we’ll give you ten minutes on Mission Objective #18. Remember, you are in zero gravity. Please cut your mike for this experiment.”

      2. Yeah, Pornhub should really start with that. If that works, move to copulation.

    3. My understanding is a definite yes that no one will admit to.

  5. KMW, regarding the alt-text, when you are stumped you go to Kranin:

    Elizabeth Nolan Brown|6.15.15 @ 3:27PM|#|?|filternamelinkcustom

    Credit where credit is due: it comes from Todd Krainin

    The guy obviously knows his stuff.

    1. That would be totally non-awkward office conversation.

      1. You let human resources sort it all out later. Gosh.

      2. I imagine the conversation would go a lot like this.

  6. Pornhub is a great name for a . . porn hub?

  7. I’d show Eva Lovia the right stuff.

  8. I’m offended by this story. I’m gonna get my mattress now and seek a safe place, away from you crazies.

  9. Newt Gingrich is gonna want royalties, which of course will need to be instantly handed over to the estate of Isaac Asimov.

    1. Asimov? I definately feel that the Heinlien estate could make a bid. RAH was very sex-positive and had at least one instance of sex in space.

  10. Ass-teroid mining? hmm.

  11. We choose to go to the poon and do the other things, not because she is easy, but because we are hard.

    1. Because that girl will serve to lengthen and measure the best of our erections and skills, because that position is one that we are willing to try, one we are unwilling to not bone, and one which we intend to score, and the others, too.

      1. This was, of course, Kennedy’s real speech.

        1. Actually all of his speeches were originally written by him, and they were all about sex with various celebrities, but he speechwriters then “toned them down”. Man, you should have read the one about Marilyn Monroe. It became his Cuban Missile Crisis address. Fitting, if you think about it.

          1. Who here doesn’t believe this? Because I do.

  12. Vomit comet. So something like two girls and a cup.

    1. Space sickness isn’t unusual, but most people get over it. So space sex tourists should spend a day or two acclimating.

      1. Could be worse. hey could get… space dementia!

  13. Looking for love in Alderaan places.

    1. Like Uranus?

  14. The internet has plenty of footage of sex in free-fall that seems pretty… straightforward.

  15. Wait a minute, what is the third point?!?!?!?!?

    Second article today within a few hours on porn. Thanks, Reason!

    Newt Gingrich should not be mentioned in an article about porn. Gross.

  16. Wait, what happened to ENB? Doesn’t she have dibs on these stories?

    1. Or is there a clause limiting her jurisdiction to the Earth?

  17. It will definitely have to be a bondage porn. At least one of the two participants will have to be tied down to prevent them from bouncing off eachother. Possibly both will have to be tied together, or at least tethered.

    I can also imagine the creation of special space sex suits that fit two people in appropriate configurations. Something like a giant lycra body sock with arm and leg holes positioned so that the two people’s bodies are in about the right arrangement. But the sock keeps them from separating.

    1. Velcro maybe necessary.

      1. Love handles may be beneficial after all.

    2. Its not like the ISS is that large.

      Just brace.

  18. The Space-Sex Corporation

  19. Is that a rocket on your launch pad, or are you just happy to see me?

  20. So, the space program brought us Tang, and now it’s going to bring us Poon as well?

  21. “No light-speed?”

    “It’s not my fault!”

    http://www.starwars.com/video/it-s-not-my-fault

  22. Seems like a zero-G money shot would end up spattering and bouncing around all over the place. It could be really messy, and it could open up a whole new set of possibilities.

    1. “Superbukkake”

  23. I wonder what the name of this porn movie in space will be…?

    1. I mean, “Space Balls” has already been taken and the “Black Hole” seems too specific.

  24. there?’s a major concern that babies born off planet would not be able to return to Earth

    That moon sure is a harsh mistress to them Loonies

    1. I approve this comment.

  25. Oh god, I can’t write the alt text. Everything is a horrible double entendre. Do your own, commenters

    So you’re saying its going to be a double entendre scene? Not a fan of those.

  26. Why is it awesome? Libertarians are going to learn when it’s too late that it’s the squares they despise that defend the basic virtues that underpin free market capitalism. It’s not an accident that the greatest libertarian reformer of the past 50 years Margaret Thatcher was a square, boring grocers daughter.

    Now I don’t really think libertarianism cares about those ethics as it’s more than ready to sell Wall Street as the exemplar of a libertarian ethos, but it should realize that Wall Street has no need for libertarians. It can get what it needs from the two parties.

    It’s cute how incapable of gauging social status the status obsessed Reasonoids are though. Porn is down market guys. Might as well talk about how awesome the next Larry the Cable guy album is. I’m not saying girls will show up your sausage fests of meetings if you stop talking about porn, but they sure aren’t showing up when you do.

    1. What?

  27. Oh god, I can’t write the alt text. Everything is a horrible double entendre. Do your own, commenters

    Is that a Saturn V, or are you just happy to see me?

    1. Soyuz wanna fuck?

      1. So are you really a tree surgeon? Because someone had “deez cheezburgerz man” and offered to…..well you know…….. So like…….umm…..teeth were used a little too much………I’m…..so my tree top……..ouch…

        1. I lop you.

  28. ‘It Came in Outer Space’ or ‘Astro-naughties’ or ‘Across the Uni-per-verse’ or ‘Houston, we have a…three way’ or…

  29. I’m sure it will not work. That sum is not enough even for getting outer space. I think they will zero-g plane that replicates zero gravity. But the whole idea was for them to raise their visibility in the world. They convinced even other sites like Fapshows.com and Webcams to contribute for this.

  30. Don’t want an embryo? Use a fucking condom.

    [Or be like me and have sex exclusively with someone of the same sex]

  31. Well if they would fund my Fusion project and help me turn it into a rocket they could film

    Fusion Powered Fusion in Space the x Rated version

    https://www.facebook.com/protonboron

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