Free-Range Kids

Cops Visit Parents After Boy, 4, Takes Off Clothes and Runs Outside

Cops promise "further action" if it happens again



Somehow, seeing a naked 4-year-old running around in front of his own house conjured up worst-first thoughts in a neighbor, even though—if the neighbor paused for a second—he'd have a hard time articulating exactly what "crime" he thought he was witnessing.

The story out of British Columbia, as reported by the CBC, is this:

Ian McIlwaine of Squamish, B.C., said his family is "shaken and very upset" after RCMP, responding to a complaint by neighbours, visited the family's home because his four-year-old son was playing in the yard naked.

On Sunday, McIlwaine took advantage of the warm weather to wax his car outside his home, with his two sons, Tyler, and Conner, 6, playing nearby.

"First hot day of spring, and they're itching to get outside after a long Canadian winter and first thing they want to do is have a water fight," he told The Early Edition's Rick Cluff.

Tyler got his pants wet and McIlwaine told him to put on some shorts. Instead, the boy emerged from the house naked.

Well if that's not a crime, what is, right? So a few days later when the dad happened to be out of town, the cops showed up at the family's home:

The police were at the house for more than half an hour, telling [wife Margita] her that there could be "further action" if the child is found outdoors naked again.

Further action pertaining to what? There's no evidence of abuse, no evidence of neglect, no evidence of anything except an uptight neighbor and a giddy kid. The cops told the parents that they "had" to respond because the call involved a child.

But once they responded and saw that the incident was plain as day and completely innocent—why wasn't that it? In Canada as in the U.S.: Just because the police are called to investigate a family doesn't make the family worthy of investigation.

NEXT: Baltimore Police Union Open Letter to State's Attorney: 'Not one of the officers involved are responsible for the death of Mr. Gray'

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  1. What is the point of being 4 if you can’t run around naked?

    1. Epi feels exactly the same way about being 40.

      1. I too am enthusiastic about roaming around naked. Is there some publication I could received at regular intervals in exchange for legal currency?

      2. But the fresh air feels so good on my dong!

    2. I make up to $90 an hour working from my home. My story is that I quit working at Walmart to work online and with a little effort I easily bring in around $40h to $86h? Someone was good to me by sharing this link with me, so now i am hoping i could help someone else out there by sharing this link… Try it, you won’t regret it!……

      1. Do you get to work naked?

        1. How else do you think she makes $90/hr?

  2. But once they responded and saw that the incident was plain as day and completely innocent?why wasn’t that it?

    Because fuck you, that’s why. The pigs came out expecting to exert their authoritah. When there was no reason to do so, you think they’re just going to take their ball and go home? No way, there were easy targets to threaten and bully. They can’t pass up an opportunity like that.

    1. “But once they responded and saw that the incident was plain as day and completely innocent?why wasn’t that it?”

      If you know what priapism is, you will know the answer to this question.
      /Hint: it involves boners

  3. Oh, Canada.

  4. Fuckin hell. My brother and I would run around the yard nekkid when it rained when we were 8 and 7 respectively. My mom is the one who gave us the idea in the first place!

    1. Your IRL names wouldn’t happen to be Cersei and Jaime, would they?

      1. That’s HAWT!!!

      2. GoT references are lost on me (had to Google that one).

        1. Short answer: incest is best.

    2. Hell, I still do sometimes. Though I try to stay out of sight of the neighbors.

      1. Well that’s the game Zeb. That use to be the ultimate sleep over dare. Run through the neighbor’s yard naked and get back without getting caught.

        1. I have a lovely wood burning sauna out back, so I even have groups of naked people in my yard from time to time. Rural living is nice.

          1. Nice. I’m growing a hedge around my pool so I can finally relize my dream of naked pool basketball.

          2. Zeb, let’s become friends.

        2. True story, although a little bit shameful: once, having split a bottle of tequila and a twelve pack with my brother, we took his AR and a pistol out to the acequia in back and “patrolled” the ditch bank with loaded guns. We got distracted by a pool in the neighbor’s yard, leapt the fence, dropped trou, and went swimming. Then I went home and woke up a few hours later with an unbelievable hangover.

          1. Shitty beer will do that.

  5. Not to justify the cops showing up for this, but, fucking neighbors are assholes.

    Why are people constantly calling the cops for non-issues?

    Here’s a thought: put on some flip-flops (or whatever Canadians wear on their webbed toes) and some pants and go outside and see what’s up.

    “Hey, neighbor, why’s your kid running around naked?”

    “Wut? You’re not buggering him in the front yard, just having a water fight?”

    “Well, alllllrightly then. I’ll go back to waxing my asshole. Have a nice day.”

    1. Asshole waxing newsletter plz.

      1. It’s a Canadian publication.

        It’s called Take Off (any unwanted asshole hair).

        1. No, no. Take Off (any unwanted asshole hair) To the Great White North.

          1. +1

            1. It’s a beauty way to go.

          2. All the hosers subscribe.

  6. They wouldn’t have to come looking for me because my lawyer would already be climbing all over that shit. Bring it, motherfuckers. I’ll bet I could easily get a jury made up of parents and grandparents of small children.

  7. How much of this is because of irrational child molester panic?

    This is just nuts. It’s bad enough that it is a crime per se for an adult to be naked in public. Nudity != sex.

    1. How much of this is because the neighbor who called felt something in his nethers on seeing the kid?

      1. Pedophiles aren’t all bad. They always slow down in school zones.

  8. Imagine how busy the cops must be in warty’s neighborhood.

    1. Not very, since they cordoned it off.

      1. So, that’s the real reason they put that concrete dome around Chernobyl – Warty containment.

        1. Nuke it from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

        2. Pyro got his face chewed up last time he went in there

          1. Bill Cosby got raped the last time he had a gig there.

    2. Ok, so I’m relatively new to the comments section of, and I’ve always wondered: who is this “Warty” fellow and what’s his deal? He seems to be some kind of mythological character, and from what I gather from this and many other comments, he’s kind of a pervert.

      Can someone bring me up to speed on Warty?

      1. Send me an email. I’ll mail you a Greyhound ticket.


        1. NOTE: Not making eye contact is more difficult than it sounds as the dimension Warty hails from utilizes strange geometries so it is impossible to know at what point in space and time Warty’s eyes will appear without the use of some sort of code breaking computer program.

          1. So, only Daredevil is capable of resisting Warty?

            1. Only Catholic guilt and tedious prolonged fight sequences can defeat me now!

            2. Dibs on Deborah Ann Woll.

          2. So, he’s HypnoToad?

      3. who is this “Warty” fellow and what’s his deal?

        Google “Warty Hugeman”. Read his Time Travel Adventures.

        Do not do this at work.

    3. Imagine how busy the cops must be in warty’s neighborhood.


  9. Boy?? You call me ‘Boy’?

    Two pickle jars for nuts.

    Fifty pounds of swinging meat.

    Enough hair to cover a grizzly bear and you dare call me ‘Boy’.

    1. This is what we would recite when we were smart-assy kids!

  10. Reminds me of the time I had dinner at a friend’s house. Her 4-year-old daughter left the dining room table to use the rest room and a few minutes later raced into the dining room buck naked.

    Of course I called the cops.

  11. The cops told the parents that they “had” to respond because the call involved a child.

    *** falsetto ***

    Do you have Prince Albert in a can?

  12. Guns don’t kill people, kid dicks kill people.

  13. The problem is B.C.had one of it’s warmest winters on record. It’s was so warm it might ruin the blueberry crop.

  14. It’s interesting to me that nudity in Europe is no big deal but they do not tolerate violence in movies and video games the way we do in the U.S.

  15. Gotta love those punk stupid nosey neighbors!

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