Friday Funnies: Take One for the President

Chip Bok | 3.20.2015 7:00 AM

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Fist of Etiquette 10 years ago

I wonder if blind Abraham Lincoln knows he pantomiming giving head.
1. Slammer 10 years ago
  
  And banging the passed out guy from behind.
  1. Rich 10 years ago
    
    Now, now, Slammer. Chip is a master of perspective of *all* kinds.
2. UnCivilServant 10 years ago
  
  That's not his hand, it's the inebriated chestburster that killed the other guy. I mean, look at the size of the hand holding the martini glass. Sadly, their robot bartender has orders to recover the organism.
  1. Charles Easterly 10 years ago
    
    Who knew Science Officer Ash sarted off as a bartender?
  2. widget 10 years ago
    
    I doubt any bartender knows how to make a martini these days. One to take out the bottle of vermouth and hold next to the gin, and the other is pour some in.
3. invisible furry hand 10 years ago
  
  "Trust me Abe, everyone does this to exercise their throat muscles"
  1. WTF 10 years ago
    
    NEEDZ MOAR LABELZ!!
    
    *SLAP!*
    1. invisible furry hand 10 years ago
      
      *slap!*
      1. Rich 10 years ago
        
        *slap!*
        
        Almanian! 10 years ago
        
        *SLAP!*
        
        sarcasmic 10 years ago
        
        sarcasmic 10 years ago
        
        Dang it!
John Galt 10 years ago

That's it have another drink. When you wake up it will all be over. Har har har!
Hugh Akston 10 years ago

So it's funny because Obama is a werewolf?
1. Steve G 10 years ago
  
  Leave Michelle outta this
2. Charles Easterly 10 years ago
  
  Has he been to London?
  1. WTF 10 years ago
    
    His hair was perfect.
    1. Almanian! 10 years ago
      
      I saw him drinkin' a Pina Colada at Trader Vic's
      1. UnCivilServant 10 years ago
        
        You'd better stay away from him. He'll rip your lungs out, Jim.
      2. invisible furry hand 10 years ago
        
        A little old lady got mutilated late last night
        
        Almanian! 10 years ago
        
        Brian DePalma again....*
        
        *from the live version on "Stand in the Fire"
        
        Rich 10 years ago
        
        *** gets coffee and a big dish of beef chow mein ***
Nosea 10 years ago

They're taking about Fox News' viewers.
Ted S. 10 years ago

Shouldn't they be drinking Coors?
1. Agile Cyborg 10 years ago
  
  Ballistic Knife Jesus has a better recommendation for on-the-job slobs who protect figureheads.See here now.
  1. straffinrun 10 years ago
    
    "Looks like a 9mm round". I wish that plastic dome didn't come off and they had just put the pull tab on top of it. I'd give one to my wife just to remember how she "drank" before we were married.
    1. Agile Cyborg 10 years ago
      
      If baby mama won't drink it- mayhaps she'll use it. Just a minor suggestion for the straffer.
      1. straffinrun 10 years ago
        
        That may say "9mm" but I'm not giving her that. I'd be all anal after that, cuz that would do some damage to her other ladyparts.
2. Nosea 10 years ago
  
  Good one, nice catch!
EDG reppin' LBC 10 years ago

I don't get it.

I'm going for a jog.
1. Swiss Servator... Switzy! 10 years ago
  
  Almanian! hopes you jog in front of a speeding bus.
Almanian! 10 years ago

I actually don't get this. Awful - therefore, perfect.

Happy Fucking Friday, Reasonoids. I hope you all take silver bullets on behalf of the US President (PBUH) and die slowly, bleeding out in front of your loved ones.

Also, fried chicken
Almanian! 10 years ago

I actually don't get this. Awful - therefore, perfect.

Happy Fucking Friday, Reasonoids. I hope you all take silver bullets on behalf of the US President (PBUH) and die slowly, bleeding out in front of your loved ones.

Also, fried chicken
1. Lord Humungus 10 years ago
  
  It was only funny the first time, shitlord.
  1. WTF 10 years ago
    
    That's CIS shitlord.
    1. UnCivilServant 10 years ago
      
      What does the Confederation of Independent States have to do with this?
      1. Almanian! 10 years ago
        
        RAAAAAAAAAACIST! That's why! Er...what!
        
        UnCivilServant 10 years ago
        
        Oh, my mistake, Commonwealth Not confederation. Mea Culpa.
Almanian! 10 years ago

I actually don't get this. Awf....hey! Wait a minute!

*Twilight Zone theme begins to play*
1. WTF 10 years ago
  
  It was only funny the first time, shi....hey!
  1. Almanian! 10 years ago
    
    HEY!
    1. Agile Cyborg 10 years ago
      
      Don't board a plane, bro.
      1. Swiss Servator... Switzy! 10 years ago
        
        +1 gremlin
        
        Charles Easterly 10 years ago
        
        Beat me to it while I was looking for a decent link: Nightmare at 20,000 Feet https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=827OGkGn_Kk
        
        Swiss Servator... Switzy! 10 years ago
        
        Yours is more complete, mine, mere snark.
invisible furry hand 10 years ago

This cocktail-themed cartoon reminded me to finish watching season 2 of Danger 5, so it served some use.

9 parts vodka

4 parts grape fruit drank

freeze overnight

serve in plastic cups

The Perfect Beyond Chunderdome
1. Lord Humungus 10 years ago
  
  what did the grapefruit drink?
  1. Swiss Servator... Switzy! 10 years ago
    
    "Australian Purple Drank"
    1. UnCivilServant 10 years ago
      
      In other words, a fluid attempting to impersonate fruit juice while containing little or none itself.
      1. Almanian! 10 years ago
        
        +1 high-fructose corn syrup
2. UnCivilServant 10 years ago
  
  Would that even freeze? Or do you use weaksauce vodka?
  1. Almanian! 10 years ago
    
    In a pinch, it serves as radiator coolant if you breakdown on walkabout in the outback. G'day, mate...
    1. Swiss Servator... Switzy! 10 years ago
      
      Mind the deadly snakes...and spiders...and dingoes...and plants...and insects...
3. l0b0t 10 years ago
  
  Hey IFH, do you watch Utopia? I got hooked and find it to be the most (unintentionally?) libertarian television show since Yes Minister/Prime Minister. How about Housos, Fat Pizza, Swift & Shift, or Upper Middle Bogan? Y'all have some brilliant television down there and all we Yanks get to taste (unless one is a pirate like me) is a stupid remake of that execrable The Slap.
  1. invisible furry hand 10 years ago
    
    And here was me thinking The Wire was the most unintentionally libertarian TV show in history.
    
    Please tell me you're watching Danger 5 on Netflix (or elsewhere)
    
    If you're looking for something else, check out The Doug Anthony Allstars' lunatic TV show DAAS Kapital which was done in the early 90s. Actually anything they did is worth checking out (there's a bit of their stage shows on YouTube)
    1. invisible furry hand 10 years ago
      
      Oh, and try Soul Mates
    2. l0b0t 10 years ago
      
      Love Danger 5 and DAAS Kapital also, The Gruen Effect is fun.
This Is My Last Post 10 years ago

A cut scene from the film "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Slayer".

You might see it in a future special edition Blue Ray edition.
Lord Humungus 10 years ago

This ranks up there with Bok's best work. Needless to say it really sucks.
1. Almanian! 10 years ago
  
  It was only funny the f....HEY!
  1. Charles Easterly 10 years ago
    
    Whao... D?j? vu
    
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6v5NzdyFQek
Just a thought not a sermon 10 years ago

37) Last summer I was in Nebraska for a family reunion. Out driving with my uncle through the endless corn fields, he pointed out how depopulated the area is now, compared to a century ago when each quarter-mile lot (i.e., 40 acres) had a family, and often those families had 8-10 kids. Then he said how we romanticize those times as peaceful and low crime, but he thinks there was all kinds of shit that went down that we don't remember. For one thing, there were lots of traveling salesmen and wandering preachers and so forth who could commit crimes and leave without a trace. Say an itinerant worker came to your area, and you hired him on for a season. Your sixteen-year-old daughter is spending a lot of time with him, and one day they both up and disappear, and the family never hears from her again. Folks then would have said they ran away together to get married. Well, probably, but a lot of the time it was something more nefarious. The parents didn't have time to investigate?they had a farm to run, they had 8 other kids, and anyway she was 16 and practically an adult. As for law enforcement, at best you had only a sheriff and a deputy, and teen-agers leave home all the time, so unless there's specific evidence of a crime they weren't going to look into it. If this itinerant worker had fled to another state there was basically no chance he would be caught for any sort of crime. I think my uncle was probably right?this sort of thing must have happened all the time.
1. Just a thought not a sermon 10 years ago
  
  Doh! sorry, this was meant to be a test
  1. Swiss Servator... Switzy! 10 years ago
    
    FAIL!
  2. straffinrun 10 years ago
    
    Getting ready for links, eh. FOE, someone is gunning for you.
    1. Certified Public Asskicker 10 years ago
      
      Can he come up with a second thought now in half an hour?
      1. Just a thought not a sermon 10 years ago
        
        Umm...what's the deal with the lampshades? No, no, that won't work. How about, if the can's round, shouldn't it be called roundtine instead of ovaltine?
        
        WTF 10 years ago
        
        That's gold, Jerry, gold!
  3. Almanian! 10 years ago
    
    I thought it was a "thought" (as opposed to a "sermon").
    
    A "test"? Now I'm really confused.
    
    Thanks a lot, asshole.
    1. lap83 10 years ago
      
      I know no one is going to read this, but "Just a test, not a sermon" would be a good handle.
straffinrun 10 years ago

Genius. You're own bartender's reaction to you're own joke tells it all. A master stroke of self-deprecating humor.
1. Swiss Servator... Switzy! 10 years ago
  
  He is narrowing his gaze
  
  *thumbs up*
hamilton 10 years ago

Who drinks Coors Light from a martini glass?
1. straffinrun 10 years ago
  
  They're undercover.
Rich 10 years ago

"So, two Secret Service guys crawl into another bar ...."
1. Swiss Servator... Switzy! 10 years ago
  
  ...and the hooker says, "No, you pay upfront Secret Service Man!"
  1. John 10 years ago
    
    That really is the best detail of the Secret Service Colombian hooker story; they only were caught because they tried to stiff the hooker. It is one thing to have poor impulse control and get a hooker under those circumstances. That is just ordinary poor judgement. To do it and create a potential disturbance by trying to stiff the hooker, however, shows an epic level of arrogance and stupidity.
straffinrun 10 years ago

What's with all the foul language on this thread? You guys eat your mom out with that mouth?
1. Swiss Servator... Switzy! 10 years ago
  
  No, but I do!
  
  /Epi
  1. straffinrun 10 years ago
    
    I know. I'm his mom.
Marshall Gill 10 years ago

Little old lady got thrown out of her nursing home last night, Werewolves of Congress again

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Friday Funnies: Take One for the President

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