Top 25 'Christmas Gifts' Cops Took From You or Bought With Your Money

Nothing rings in the holidays better than gift giving, except gift taking. With that in mind, please enjoy the Top 25 "Christmas gifts" cops took from you or bought with your money through civil asset forfeiture:

1. ATF Pocket Knives Engraved: "Always Think Forfeiture"
2. 2,507 Live Canary Winged Parakeets
3. 11 1/4 Dozen Packages of Articles Labeled in Part Mrs. Moffat's Shoo-Fly Powders for Drunkenness
4. $9,547 Worth of Gatorade
5. First Prize-Winning Margarita Machine
6. Kegs, Tequila, and Rum
7. $524 Popcorn Maker
8. Candy for a Poultry Festival
9. $160,000 Wine Collection
10. $40,000 Digital Ticket Writers
11. $23,704/Month in First-Class Flights
12. $250 to See CeeLo Green and Dwight Howard
13. Inmates Used to Construct a Weekend Home
14. Galas and Soirées
15. $800 to Pay Off Eviction Fees
16. $1,100 Worth of Flowers
17. $16,000 for Elaborate Home Security
18. Tickets to a Motorcycle Rally and a Christmas Parade
19. $27,000 to Take the Whole Office to Hawaii
20. $100,020 of Legal Gambling Winnings
21. An Article of Hazardous Substance Consisting of 50,000 Cardboard Boxes More or Less, Each Containing One Pair of Clacker Balls
22. Military-Style Assault and Sniper Rifles
23. 15 Cats
24. Tanning Salon
25. Hookers, Booze, and Weed

For more watch the holiday classic, 'Twas the Night Raid Before Christmas:

Comments

[Fist of Etiquette]

What would cops need with 15 cats?

[robc]

FYTW

[UnCivilServant]

They heard they could be used to catch rats. They failed to understand the difference between a rodent and a human rat.

[Andrew S.]

They think every dog is dangerous... they've never dealt with an angry cat.

[Pope Jimbo]

Have you ever tried to keep a dog around the precinct offices?

How those fucking firemen are able to keep dalmatians alive at the firehouse for more than a shift is beyond me?

[Rebel Scum]

What would cops need with 15 cats?

1) Put cat in box.
2) Use box for target practice.
3) Never open box.

If you never open the box, the cat is both alive and dead at the same time. No harm, no foul.

[Fist of Etiquette]

First Prize-Winning Margarita Machine

Third prize is you're arrested. Get the picture?

[mr lizard]

Where can I get one of those ATF knives. It would be a good conversation piece.

[Rich]

U.S. Rep. Bill Sali ... persuaded the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms to end its use on the Leatherman tools handed out to participants in a training program.

They probably just changed it to "Usually Think Forfeiture" or "Think Forfeiture When Appropriate".

[UnCivilServant]

Naw, they just changed it to 'Be Always Thinking Forfeiture, Everyday" to stay with one of the agency's acronyms.

[Rich]

Sweet. It could happen.

[Bobarian (Mr. Xtreme)]

"Think Forfeiture When Appropriate"

The other side of the blade reads "Hint: it's always appropriate"

[mr lizard]

Where can I get one of those ATF knives. It would be a good conversation piece.

[UnCivilServant]

No, no matter how many time you ask.

[mr lizard]

Well now I really need one to go after the damn Sqlrs

[Bobarian (Mr. Xtreme)]

It's a little late to be christmas shopping, isn't it?

[Rich]

Candy for a Poultry Festival

Nice band name.

[Rufus J. Firefly]

Looks like no AM links.

Merry Christmas and Happy Festivus to one and all.

[UnCivilServant]

No! You can't be so happy about the Mourning Lynx being missing!

[Rich]

Rufus! Don't leave us!

[Doctor Whom]

Police seized 15 grieving wild cats.

[Tonio]

Clever, doc.

Although there is a species of pigeon* called the Mourning Dove because its call sounds like someone grieving.

(*)Using Swiss-style folk etymology here.

[Fist of Etiquette]

$9,547 Worth of Gatorade

Because one look at any cop you can see how athletic he is and therefore he must constantly replenish his electrolytes.

[Andrew S.]

Cops enjoy Brawndo?

[Protagoronus]

It's got what pigs need

[Doctor Whom]

I can't believe you like seized property too. We should hang out.

[Erasmus vs. Luther]

What would you have them do instead? Drink water from the toilet?

[mr lizard]

Cuz they like to feel like a T Rex having sex with a tractor trailer?

[DEATFBIRSECIA]

I'm Not Sure...

[Rich]

OT (unless these are the Mourning Lynx): Judge tosses challenge to Obama immigration policy

Actually, maybe this is *not* OT, since it is a "Christmas gift" to the White House.

[Doghouse Riley Jr.]

Why isn't the standing that they are citizens of the United States and they don't approve of their employee Barack Obama's actions?

[Fist of Etiquette]

ATF Pocket Knives Engraved: "Always Think Forfeiture"

Always Be Confiscating

[Fist of Etiquette]

$27,000 to Take the Whole Office to Hawaii

THEY LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING OBAMA, OKAY?

[UnCivilServant]

It would have been funnier if it was the Honolulu PD.

[Tonio]

So, this is how Reason rewards us for our loyalty, free proofreading and fact-checking? Humbug!

Merry Christmas (Yule, Festivus, Hannukah, whatever) to all of you.

[Rich]

Tonio! Not *you*, too!

I'm sure the Lynx'll be up when the intern runs out of nitrous.

[Tonio]

Yes, even me.

And don't tell Eddie that I attended a Nativity Pageant last night. If the intern can't do the links you know he won't be up for cleaning up after Eddie's head asplodes in the manner of the aliens in Mars Attacks.

[Notorious G.K.C.]

Oh, Tonio, I never gave up on you, Merry Christmas!

[F. Stupidity, Jr.]

+1 Partridge in a pear tree

[UnCivilServant]

*shoots partidge out of tree* Pheasant for Christmas folks!

[Bobarian (Mr. Xtreme)]

Partridge are delicious, but you need a lot more than one.

Get back out there.

[UnCivilServant]

We have twelve (one from each 'Day of Christmas')

[Andrew S.]

Still not enough. You've got an entire commentariat to feed!

[UnCivilServant]

Feed yourselves then!

[Rich]

But some of us live in a partridge desert!

[Ted S.]

If you want Shirley Jones, you can have her.

[Tonio]

She was totally hot back in the day.

[Old Man With Candy]

Yeah, but now she looks more like Estelle Parsons.

[Andrew S.]

According to the article above about the cop who used inmate labor to build himself a house, a Colorado law enforcement agency used forfeiture money to buy knives for incentive rewards.

Wonder what the first place prize was. Or third.

[userve32]

Sounds like some pretty cool stuff man. Wow.

http://www.Anon-Wayz.tk

[dantheserene]

I would buy several ATF knife replicas and give them as gifts. Anyone interested in making some? What model Leatherman was used?

[Kaptious Kristen]

private property rights activists

In other words: people?

[Kaptious Kristen]

(that was from the ATF engraved Leatherman article)

[Tonio]

No, some people I know actively fight to restrict property rights (anti-business neighborhood assoc types).

[Kaptious Kristen]

I can see "anti-property rights activist" being a thing. I just don't understand how now people who think private property is, like, a natural right and stuff are now "activists".

[Tonio]

Oh, ok, I see where you're coming from.

Because they are trying to control the conversation by painting property rights as a far-right cause.

[Kaptious Kristen]

Yes - you said it better than I.

[Tonio]

Thanks. Admire your writing, too.

[Tonio]

That McClatchy article is from 2008. WTF?

[Kaptious Kristen]

Hey gize - I hear Helena Bonham Carter is single again! Don't all run out to try and get her phone # at once, now! Have some decorum!

[Tonio]

I'll just sit here with you, KK. 😛

[Kaptious Kristen]

You got any nog?

[EDG reppin' LBC]

Ah yes! Must go get some nog.

Merry Christmas, Kristen!

[Kaptious Kristen]

And very BOOYA Christmas to you, too!

[Tonio]

You're trying to be worse than Nikki, aren't you, KK?

[Kaptious Kristen]

Well, ya know - she hasn't been around a whole lot, and there aren't too many chicks around here, so someone's gotta take up the slack.

I watched Die Hard last night. Now I get all those Jonathan Gruber jokes that went flying over my head. It was a pretty awesome flick.

[DEATFBIRSECIA]

Welcome to the party pal!

[Old Man With Candy]

Nikki ran off to Seattle to scratch that Dunphy itch she's been having. She'll eventually be back.

[Slumbrew]

Don't you talk about Nikki like that!

[Bobarian (Mr. Xtreme)]

"Merry Christmas you princes of Maine, you kings of New England."

I'd have posted this on the thread above, but Dunphy is shitting all over it and putting me off of the spirit.

Also, Festivus is over. I hope you didn't cry too much!

[FUQ]

Don't let Dunphy run you off. Just make fun of him, make popcorn, and watch him wind himself into a fury of idiocy.

[christymerikoski]

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