Latest Excuse for Overwrought College Campus Lockdowns: Umbrellas!


Can you imagine the kind of objects that prompt panicked lockdowns in Gotham City?
New Batman Adventures

Students at California State University – San Marcos are safe from a guy carrying a rifle across campus, thanks to a SWAT team and a 30-minute lockdown. Wait, no. They are safe from an umbrella. The man wasn't carrying a gun. He was carrying an umbrella. ABC10 in San Diego told the story and interviewed the non-mass-murderer:

[Bill] Craig was the person – reported as being suspicious – they had been looking for. The person was described as a white male, wearing a black shirt and jeans and walking across campus carrying a rifle.

He says he knew it was him the second the alert went out.

"I was certain," said Craig. "It could have certainly been someone else. I mean, I'm not the only tall, bald guy here, but it fit me to a tee."

At that same time, classrooms began sheltering in place.

"They immediately … the doors locked and then they took all the chairs and all the tables and barricaded the doors," said junior James Collins. "People were kind of freaked out and you could tell that there was a nervous tension."

He was confronted and held at gunpoint by sheriff's deputies while they determined that he was not, in fact, the Penguin, there with some sort of deadly scheme to finally kill off Batman.

You have to admit, though, there's something a little suspicious about carrying an umbrella around in California. We're having our worst drought ever!

Elsewhere in our constantly panic-stricken country, a college student is getting a slap on the on the wrist from the courts for terrorizing Central Connecticut State University. His crime: wearing a ninja costume with a sword on campus a couple of days after Halloween, causing another campus lockdown and a SWAT response. He actually had no intent of terrorizing anybody and will have his charges dismissed if he completes his probation without launching any further ninja team assaults at other colleges.

And while I was writing this, an "active shooter" incident was reported at Fort Lee in Virginia, and the installation is on lockdown. (Update: It has been lifted)

(Hat tip to Ken)