The Independents

Tonight on The Independents: Welcome to the REAL World, Graduates!

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This is what it looks like. |||

Tonight's episode of The Independents (Fox Business Network, 9 p.m. ET, 6 p.m. PT, repeats three hours later) is special in at least the following four ways:

1) Is in front of a live studio audience, composed of young rapscalions.

2) Includes a commencement address, and possibly some unfortunate dancing, from Kennedy.

3) Is chock full of practical advice for everyone, not just college grads. Like, how to get drunk at a bar on only one beer, and what to do with those naked photos of you on Facebook.

4) Provides the important linkage between interning and dealing weed.

Guests from the school of hard knocks include comedian Sherrod Small, Gavin "Everything I Learned in College Was a Lie" McInnes, BrandYourself.com co-founder Patrick Ambron, Fox Business anchor Gerri Willis (who will give tips for dealing with student-loan and other types of debt), Fox Biz personal finance reporter Kate Rogers (who will talk about the industries and skill-sets of the future), and hip-hop DJ Charlamagne tha God. It's certainly not your average television program.

Follow The Independents on Facebook at facebook.com/IndependentsFBN, follow on Twitter @ independentsFBN, please tweet early and often during the show, and click on this page for more video of past segments.

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  1. Wait, was Kennedy on The Real World?

  2. what to do with those naked photos of you on Facebook.

    If you’re good looking and willing to get naked on camera, you can use those photos to launch a lucrative career.

  3. This better not be embarrassing.

    1. 3rd? You’re embarrassing!

      1. The first two comments were too important not to be before me.

  4. Hey, Independents, leave those kids alone.

    1. *them, even.

  5. I’m taking the SAT next Saturday, as punishment for losing my fantasy league. I hear there’s an essay section now. What should I write about? I only care about the math/verbal sections, as that’s all they had when I took it 11 years ago. I will be very proud if I can match what I did back then. I suspect I’ll do better on verbal but worse on the math.

    1. They give you a prompt. I thought they were eliminating that though. Maybe next year.

      1. Yeah but I think it’d be fun to write something completely unrelated just for fun.

        (1) NY vs. Chicago style pizza: what can either tell us about circumcision?

        (2) Who’s really to blame for the war on women: bushpigs or abortofreaks?

        (3) Remy: greatest, or second greatest, American of all time?

        1. Well if you’re going to go for it, it seems clear what your topic should be: why are there no female libertarians?!?

          1. Maybe I’ll do this:

            The test: (long prompt about what to write about)

            Me: What difference, at this point, does it make?

          2. Is there a penultimate Nikki? A Second Worst?

            … Hobbit

    2. how can you register to take the SATs if you’re not a high-school student?

      1. You don’t have to be one. They assume you are and ask you a bunch of questions about it, but you can select “no longer in high school” when you sign up.

        1. I have to admit, that’s an inventive and hilarious wager that only a very special group of dorks could come up with.

          1. The league is with my former law school classmates. So, yes.

            I am not opening my results or looking at them online until our draft, which will be in NO. I will be praying that the Math + English total adds up to something respectable, otherwise I will be hopelessly mocked for eternity, as my score will be going on our “Sacko” trophy.

            1. That’s just all kinds of….awesome.

        2. I hope your superhero/wizard* friends are paying the registration fee.

          (*i think this is more sensible than ‘fantasy sports’)

          I feel you should write about how badly writing standards have suffered in the era of electronic communication; where spelling is corrected by software, and grammar and vocabulary have been utterly slaughtered by a generation used to communicating in tweet-sized bites using nothing but meme-cliches and emoticons.

          Or “Why the Rhinoceros is the best of all animals”; your call.

        3. Also, unless i’m mistaken, the college board only ever maintains ONE record of your SAT scores, so be sure that you’re happy with whatever new one you get, because that’s the one that will be referenced for the rest of your life. Or until you lose the next bet.

          1. No, that’s not the case. They keep records of every time you’ve taken the test, and typically HS students take them more than once and often mix and match verbal and math scores from separate sessions to get the highest total possible. That’s totally legit.

            1. Plus what she said about mixing and matching. Depended on each college’s rules.

            2. They keep records of every time you’ve taken the test

              AHA! So now we’ve finally found the source of the proverbial “Permanent Record”!!!

          2. Who is ever going to look up his SAT score again?

            And that wasn’t the case when I was in high school, many people took it twice and many schools took the average rather than the highest so they had to have had access to both scores.

            1. Well we now have proof that I have been mistaken at least once.

              1. And graciously so.

          3. OK, so I graduated from college in 1988….SAT and ACT had to be from, like….1978?

            So I’m thinkng if I ever lose a bet and have to take it again, no one will care…cause absofuckinglutely guaranteed there’s no way I’d do as well as when I was – you know – STUDYING and being a STUDENT all day.

            English I’d probably do OK. Science and math? (which were my best subjects) I don’t think they’d be so good after 20+ years of neglect….

            Now I wanna take it just to find out!

            /no I don’t

            1. Fortunately, I got a job tutoring the SAT my final year in law school, and had to do a bunch of problems to prepare for the tutoring sessions. I’m hoping a couple practice tests will be enough to jog my memory. We’ll see.

              1. Maybe you can update your resume.

  6. Because it wouldn’t make any sense NOT to include “Charlemagne tha God”

    1. You are correct, sir.

      He’s actually a total hardass about work ethic, which I love.

      1. We all knew that The Independents was just ‘step 1’ in Matt’s plan for eventual Rap Superstardom

        1. The best was at dinner last night w/ Charlamagne & Kmele & Charlamagne’s former football-playing associate, who all recoiled when I pronounced the late Mr. Shakur’s first name “Two-pack.” The things you learn!

          1. Of course it’s “Two-pock,” as in “Pockistan.” Didn’t you learn anything from our president?

  7. Sorry, as a (mostly) recent grad, I am a bit busy on a Friday night to watch TV.

    1. Are you sure you graduated?

      1. Well, my current job verified with the school that I did before letting me work, so I am pretty sure.

        1. False conciseness.

          1. The egg is on my face. I guess I’m the one who never went to college.

            I blame autocorrect.

  8. That picture of Kennedy with a mortar board – TELL ME SHE’S NOT SPEAKING AT MY GRADUATION! CAUSE WE DON’T WANT NO WHACKO BIRD LIBERTARDIANS!

    *waves protest signs and joins others singing ‘We Shall Overcome*

  9. I’m seeing double! Four Kmeles!

    /racist!!

  10. Is it possible to be OT in an ‘independents’ thread?

    anyway, I saw ‘The Dark Knight’ the other day

    (i’ve been catching up on a whole slew of “superhero/action” movies i could not bring myself to go see in the theaters for the last decade for a variety of reasons)

    it was cited by almost everyone (more than anything else out there) to be the #1 best, most ‘mature and sophisticated’, perfect version of what a ‘comic book movie should be’.

    I thought it blew. So much so that i quit halfway- 3/4 through. Bale sounds either like he’s doing a ‘dumb-jock’ impression, or a ‘dumb-jock’ impression with laryngitis. (normally everything bale does is amazing; this was not) The action is horrible. The plot is super dull and overdrawn, pacing is terrible, and Maggie gillshername looks like my Mom. Is all the hype just over Heath Ledger? his Joker was good. Not ‘OMG ACTING! BRILLIANT!’ Not even close to Jack Nicholson (although they are entirely different, I know). I actually think Gary Oldman is more clearly talented doing his bit part as Gordon.

    What the fuck.

    Avengers was good! Joss Whedon FTW. The Wolverine thing was OK, but mostly because you could film him eating a tuna sandwich and discussing the weather and it would be fun.

    Next on the list is the Superman thing (man of steel) Worth it?

    just my $.02

    1. I though Man of Steel was awful. There was way too much collateral damage. It was worse than Into Darkness in that regard. Also, the plot was weak and poorly executed.

      1. Here is the best treatment of MOS:

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v…..feature=kp

        1. Those are good. But I like CinemaSins and Honest Trailers:

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1Cl5FzEIjY

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sge5sUNJkiY

          Gilmore, consider this your union mandated Spoiler Alert.

    2. I thought MOS sucked first time thru, then I actually watched it the second time and thought that it was Not Too Bad(tm).

      Plus, Amy Adams.

      … Hobbit

  11. I shan’t be participating this eve. Trout beckon. Please take up the slack.

    1. But who will call us to assemble?!

      1. He just did.

  12. Tales from the Derp:

    I saw a dating profile yesterday that featured a sonogram and a pregnancy belly selfie. What man could resist that?

    Derp.

    1. Well, you know that she’s not going to make you wear a condom, so there’s that.

  13. What’s on the menu tonight?
    I did Costco beef short ribs braised with red wine, onion, carrot, garlic, tomato paste, and beef broth. Served with parmesan garlic mashed potatoes, and some bullshit kale salad my wife requested.

    With Stone Self-Righteous Black IPA. For me only.

  14. I ate a smoked turkey sandwich with onion rings and Dos Equis Ambar.

    2 weeks with no caffeine, and I made it from Sunday to 6:20 today without beer.

    1. So, the car is working then?

      1. Yes. Off to the Wichita mountains tomorrow.

        I checked out a few car lots this week. I found a car that was close to what I wanted, but not quite. But I do expect to be getting a newer car soon.

  15. I think I will switch things up tonight with some tales of dating derp.

    On my most recent date, I talked her into coming with me to the archery range. She got a bow and some arrows and we spent about an hour shooting my archery cube. Seemed like it went well. The next day, I text her to ask what she thought. No response. 2 other texts also go ignored. I check online and her profile was gone. OK, so now I have figured out that things did not go well. That’s fine, although is it too much to ask for a text back with a “sorry, not interested”?

    I was going to take her to Red Lobster too, but we scrubbed it because she said her stomach was upset.

    1. She seems weird. You probably dodged a bullet.

    2. I’m not fond of girls that are not fond of projectile motion.

    3. What’s your beard situation right now?

      1. It’s like this, but shorter:

        http://paulboylan.files.wordpr…..-beard.jpg

        I know most girls dislike facial hair, but I hate hate shaving and don’t like the way I look without it.

        My profile pics are truthful and show my beard level, so it’s not like it’s a surprise.

        1. Yeah, but what does it look like on you?

          1. Here’s a pic from last year while I was doing stand-up:

            http://platedlizard.blogspot.c…..nd-up.html

            I had a goatee in those days.

            1. Bro, are you ripped, or are those just the shadows?

              1. I was in good shape then. I’m fatter now, but not by much. And I’ve been working hard on getting back to that level.

                In that pic, I had a 32″ waist and weighed 165. Now, I have a 38″ waist and weigh 205, but a lot of that is new muscle.

                1. New muscle, eh? On your waist?

                  Do these dates understand your sense of humor?

                  1. Random people comment on my arms and shoulders, so I think I’m good there. But, yeah, a bit more of gut now. I blame beer, which I have been trying to cut back on.

                    As for my sense of humor, on my OKCupid profile, there is a section called “the private thing I am willing to admit.” Under that section, I wrote “I kill prostitutes and eat their skin.” Many of my dates comment on that part.

      2. It’s like this, but shorter:

        http://paulboylan.files.wordpr…..-beard.jpg

        I know most girls dislike facial hair, but I hate hate shaving and don’t like the way I look without it.

        My profile pics are truthful and show my beard level, so it’s not like it’s a surprise.

  16. They can’t fool me. This is Stossel’s studio.

    1. Who’s behind those shower doors?

  17. Is tonight just going to make me even more depressed than I already am with the job hunt?

    1. I think it’s just you and me tonight, babe.

      1. Better you than Epi, at least.

        1. That’s the third nicest thing anyone’s ever said about me.

          1. Dare I inquire what the other two were?

            1. The first is, “You’re awesome.” But in fairness that’s been said so many times by almost everyone that it’s gotten boring to hear. The second was sexual in nature (and yes, there’s some overlap on that one and the first one).

      2. **tosses back cape, taps hilt of dueling sword, narrows eyes**

        1. Let’s settle this the old fashion way:
          Who has the longest driveway?

          1. Somewhere between quarter and half mile. It’s very hard to keep a woman and I’m blaming that as the reason.

            1. I would think it would be easier to “keep” a woman that way.

              1. “Mountain brides” aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

          2. Short and straight is better than long and wrong.

  18. Uh, did Foster and Welch coordinate their outfits? Did they switch jackets?

  19. Another time, I met my date in bar. We got drinks and chatted for about an hour. She seemed nervous and said she hoped I wouldn’t think this was a bad date. I said I had been on plenty of way worse dates, so don’t worry about it.

    So the next day, I ask what she thought. She was mad I didn’t buy her beer (even though I offered too) and then criticized my clothes and beard. I believe she described me as “homeless”. The clothes I was wearing were only a week old- jeans and t-shirt from Target. But the cherry on top was my comment about being on many worse dates. She was really offended by that for some reason.

    Meh, she was fatter than her profile picture.

    1. This requires an in person consult.

      I’ve been out of the game for 15 years, but I think Sudden could help you out. Dude cleans up with the womenz. Jesse cleans up too, but it’s all dudes.

      1. I know something is amiss, since I have had about 30 first dates.

        I’ll date pretty much anybody so, I don’t think I’m being too picky.

  20. Kmele should just go full-Joker with that outfit. Complete with an acid-squirting flower.

  21. The panel is giving the youngsters mixed signals.

  22. It seems Kennedy thinks everyone’s mother is Sarah Palin.

  23. So Kmele is The Joker, Matt is Johnny Cash, and Kennedy is half-heartedly imitating Number 6 with the bright red, out of place given the surrounding colors, dress.

  24. Hey, look Serious! Kmele is echoing what I told you last night about writing cover letters!

    1. This is surprisingly not a waste of time and is an informative discussion. Even Gavin is being helpful.

      1. Ironically, they needed a younger audience to be more mature.

      2. I just tuned in and was curious if Gavin had stuck to discussing the topic in a constructive manner the whole time.

      3. Even Gavin is being helpful sober.

  25. You know who else wanted interns with no gag reflex?

    1. Horny Hitler?

  26. His moustache tilts.

  27. This reminds me of that parenting class from the Simpsons:

    “And put your garbage in a garbage can, people, I can’t stress that enough. Don’t just throw it out the window.”

  28. I applied to a company that did not even have positions listed on their website (smaller corp. with a few locations w/in the state). A few days later I got a call, then interview, and then a job. A year later, I am still there. So, I say to apply blind (and def. send a cover letter specific to the job) because anything can happen.

    1. I just send a picture of myself. It seems to work well.

    2. I got a job by just showing up with my shirt tucked in once.

      I tuck in my shirt about as often as I throw manhole covers.

      1. Daily?

        1. These days, I do have to tuck in my shirt unfortunately. Stupid safety rules.

          I untuck it as soon as I’m out the door.

  29. That guy has it all figured out.

  30. This episode sucks. Hockey is on.

    1. You know, we can hear you. (Sad-face.)

      1. Don’t be too sad at least he didn’t say he was going to watch soccer.

      2. I’ll bet you inexplicably support the Ducks too.

        1. Untrue. Mostly, I don’t support any hockey, because I believe assault is a crime. However, if I had to pick a squad, it’d be the one from my youth — the L.A. Kings. Preferably with purple uniforms, and Rogie Vachon.

          1. …I believe assault is a crime.

            Except when it’s in response to one admiring his homerun? DOUBLE STANDARD.

      3. Wait. Welch, if you’re here, then who’s…OH. MY. GOD…

        1. Pre-tape. IT’S ALL A LIE.

  31. A whole audience of 1%ers. Nice.

  32. Oh that’s right, $258 is leaving my bank account next Monday.

    1. ?Por Que?

      1. Monthly student loan payment. AKA, “Money that won’t be spent on better things like a car or trips to Arizona”.

        My rent is also due so that’s another $200, but I don’t mind so much.

  33. Government? Boooooooooooo!

  34. “Branding expert” sounds kinkier than my tastes.

    1. Is that even possible?

      1. I would assume so. People are experts on all sorts of obscure things.

  35. I really hope the grads in the audience are not as clueless as Kennedy and Co. seem to think they are.

    1. Yeahhhh…I wouldn’t count on that. The level of cluelessness I experienced in the last four years was staggering.

    2. As a Derpetologist you should know better than to make that statement.

      1. Touch?.

        I forgot the most important law of stupidity: everyone underestimates the amount of stupidity out there.

  36. Comments from my 5-year-old so far:

    * “Oh mister, you’re saying lies!” — to Gavin.
    * “Kmele has a brother!” — to Sherrod
    * “She’s pretty!” to Gerri.

    1. I like that your daughter already has a solid read on Gavin. Clearly you’re doing something right!

    2. Aha! So these shows are taped in advance.

      1. Did you notice the whole “Come to the May 29 taping” announcement posted four different times on the blog? Did you look at the calendar?

        1. Recalibrate your sarcasm detector.

          1. My bad. Gilmore has me on the defensive.

            1. I owe that guy a (cheap) beer of his choice.

              1. I owe that guy a (cheap) beer of his choice.

                Am I discharging this debt when I’m out there in September?

            2. You look much better than Kmele tonight, if it helps. You pull off the ‘classic hip’; he does not pull off the Dwane Wade.

              1. Jesse is going to NYC, and he is going to buy you a Hamms on my behalf.

                1. A Hamms of his choice?

    3. Aha! So these shows are taped in advance.

    4. “Kmele has a…

      Nevermind.

  37. The sad thing is Austin Powers came out in 1997/1999, so it’s already something that their audience could not appreciate the first time it came out.

    1. Fat Bastard was in the 2nd and 3rd unwatchable ones. Why anyone would make a reference to those movies is beyond me.

    2. I had a habit of watching the entire trilogy of A. Powers movies on Saturday mornings when I was an early teen.

  38. Patrick’s about to go to Cougartown.

    1. cougarlife.com. That is all.

  39. The Independents Attire Review, 30 May 2014

    Live Death-Edition

    – Kennedy: She’s channeling Joan of Arc tonight, bringing the hotness because why? Because women want to look good when they know younger women are watching. (I bet even Joan dressed for the occasion). This theory lasts only long enough to look about 5 degrees to port, where we discover…

    – Matt: That men desperately try and look ‘hip’ and unconcerned and fail. Or perhaps the wife suggested, “Honey, why don’t you dress like a Dead Person tonight?” Equally plausible. We note: Kennedy would probably go FLAME ON like this in the regular show…. but would Matt break out his Robert Smith costume in the Studio Set? Having paid attention for the last few months, I don’t think so.

    – Kmele: What.The.Fuck. Purple jacket? Black shirt? Look Man, we *get it* when Matt gets freaky. You? Understand: there are only two kinds of people who can wear purple blazers = The Joker, and people in Pro Basketball.

    – Gavin: At least nothing here has changed. If anything he’s a little less drunk.

    – Sherrod: We don’t bother, because big dudes who don’t give a fuck don’t give a fuck.

    Youth of America? You’re DOOMED. Now that you’ve accepted that, you’ll do fewer stupid things.

    Thank You

  40. The first rule of branding yourself? WEAR A TIE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. (As national television as Fox Biz can be.)

    1. His audience is still getting used to the idea of ties. He doesn’t want to scare them!

      1. Ties are awesome. They hide your unseemly buttons.

        1. I’m so glad that I will never wear one again.

          … Hobbit

          1. Funeral customs say different.

  41. That guy was trying to hide the fact that he’s high as a kite. AND GIVING BAD ADVICE. Always go for the money. The money should be your passion.

  42. See kibby! Get a damn blog.

    1. I would have nothing to post about AT ALL!

      1. I told you what to post about!

        1. That would involve paying attention to things that happen in my general area. Which I have exactly zero interest in doing.

          1. You’re not being very solution-oriented here, kibby. Do you have any hobbies other than reading dead languages and robbing cradles?

      2. The observations you share with me about life in Tucson are pretty funny.

        1. Really? I can’t even think of anything I say about that.

          1. I am the only one that pays attention when we talk?

            1. Evidently. I’d apologize but…meh.

  43. Uh, people who study Medieval Literature go for their passions. How does that work out for them as far as supporting themselves? Oh, right. It doesn’t. The real kicker is that they want everyone else to pay for it.

  44. That kid in the back row needs to get a haircut he looks like a girl.

    1. A lot of that audience is pretty sorry.

      Buy me a plane ticket next time.

      1. Jesus, I’m getting the vibe you’re good looking. You’re going in my spank bank. You’re a lady, right? No, wait, don’t tell me. Let’s just leave that up in the air.

        1. Like I said before, most of the SoCal Reason commenters are good looking. It flies in the face of everything I know about libertarians.

  45. If i had one piece of advice? young people think of jobs as things they want to ‘identify themselves’ by. “I’m an X” or “i work in the BLANK industry!”. They don’t actually know what being or doing that stuff entails, but they know how they and other people perceive it, so they want first something that ‘sounds cool’, and secondly will ‘amuse’ them.

    Neither is useful. The first gigs you go for should be things that will get you some Experience doing something that develop skills

    So many people I know moved from job to job multiple times, and never did any one of them long enough to learn any *particular* expertise. Some people think this pigeonholes you. Not at all. Skills can transfer across industries. Simply having worked at a number of ‘name brand’ firms does not.

    1. 4 years of experience is worth more than most degrees.

      1. All my work experience did was keep me from getting part-time jobs in college. I applied for all sorts of things & kept being told that I was overqualified.

        Yeah, I wasn’t planning on retiring on my salary as a part-time cashier at your crappy grocery store, I just wanted to eat for a couple of years.

        1. I had a job as a night stocker in liquor store in Chicago last year. I had that job for 2 whole days. I’m amazed they hired me in the first place given my education and experience, but they did.

          1. Did you have it for two days because they suddenly realized their mistake or because it wasn’t for you?

            1. They wanted me to work more hours, and I couldn’t because I was making most of my money from my tutoring business.

        2. That’s why you lie.

          1. I prefer to tell the truth- it’s easier.

            When I got back from Peace Corps in late 2009, I applied to all kinds of jobs. I applied to a bowling alley. The application had an essay section, so I guess it was the Ivy League of bowling alleys. The question was “why do you want to work in a bowling alley?” I wrote “because I love the sound of pins getting knocked down.”

            I didn’t get the job.

            1. I applied to all kinds of jobs. I applied to a bowling alley. The application had an essay section

              You should have written about your life dream to get a turkey.
              Also, essay section for a bowling alley?? Wtf were they playing at?

          2. To be clearer I’m talking about omission when it comes to applying for scut work. If I’m applying for a button sorting job I’m not going to put down the WW2 research. It’s irrelevant to the application and it is more likely to cause the chief button sorter to feel threatened than help me land the gig.

            1. I definitely started omitting things when I got desperate enough to go back to fast food, but that didn’t seem to help. Tucson’s also just not a great place to find work because it’s so small.

              1. I did pretty well tutoring on Craigslist when I was in Chicago. I almost made enough money to cover my expenses. If I could have figured out how to make more money at that, I would not have reluctantly gone back to being a process engineer.

    2. 4 years of experience is worth more than most degrees.

  46. Wouldn’t doing lines of coke be cheaper?

  47. Geez. Apparently everyone thinks this dude is undateable.

  48. Avenue Q reference?

  49. Film-maker?

    No, you’re a kid.

    1. Ken Burns is, like, 16.

      1. Anyway, you need to experience failure.

        Did you know that Abraham Lincoln went bankrupt 21 times? And lost 43 elections?

        Well, not really, but it makes you think, doesn’t it?

        1. This comment made me laugh. Well done.

      2. Ken burns could actually make most of his movies with a bunch of still photographs and a tape-recorder in an old-folks home for the ‘interviews’.

        Old people are experts on everything.

        Young people are experts on nothing. The ones who shut up and pay attention are worth a million $.

  50. Why wasn’t this post bumped? What do < i The Independents have to hide?

    1. SOME PEOPLE WERE BUSY.

      1. I don’t care for the excuse but by God do I respect the capslock.

  51. This is why I took a ton of business courses as electives to round out my useless Classics degree. We’ll see how far my awesome Accounting grades get me…

    1. There is a lot of money in accounting if you’re good at it. A lot.

      1. I should probably just buckle down & apply for the MAcc at Chapel Hill that’s geared towards non-business majors. It just wasn’t doable for this year because it started four days after I graduated & there was no way I’d have been able to move/arrange a place for my cats to live for the year I was gone in time.

        1. I have a place for your cats to live.

          *starts digging hole*

          Seriously, though. Accounting is a solid career.

          1. Too bad the tuition for that year is flipping outrageous.

            1. Try starting your business on Craigslist and/or WyzAnt. I did pretty well with it.

              1. $55,000 worth well?

                1. No, more like $10,000, but hey, sky’s the limit. I was surprised I was able to make that much on my first try at self-employment.

  52. Lots of advice that’s useful to people considering *whether* to go to college.

  53. WHEE!! this is the segment where Matt does his freestyle rap to the youth about how he survived growing up on the streets! i hope they don’t bleep too much out.

  54. What does God need with an internship?

    1. What do you think the Grand Canyon was?

      PRACTICE

      1. You know, as terrible as he is, Episiarch would have gotten the quote.

        1. Star Trek is for dorks

          1. Jelly Baby?

          2. Finally, somebody gets it. When we had dinner on Wednesday, I warned everybody. If you talk Sci-Fi, you’re gonna get punched in the face.

  55. We live in an age where we, quite literally, have the worlds wealth of knowledge at our fingertips. One can learn nearly any skills one wants at any time and it’s only a click away. If it wasn’t for needing some stupid piece of paper to satisfy industry req’s (no doubt driven by regs and failed gov’t primary schools), I could’ve learned all that I need to know to do my job from going online, instead of wasting money at a university.

  56. When I lived in Chicago, I met many tool and die makers and other machinists. None of them were younger than 45. Sure was a great idea to get rid of metal shop in high schools, huh?

    Machinists make good money, but so many high school kids get brainwashed with COLLEGE! COLLEGE! COLLEGE!

  57. I say we oppose Kennedy’s commencement address until Reason gets a better commenting system. Who’s with me?!

    WHAT DO WE WANT? (SQUIRREL JUSTICE!) WHEN DO WE WANT IT? (IN REASONABLE, TIMELY MANNER!)

    1. Is it acting up tonight? I’m with you either way.

      1. Squirrel injustice at any time is squirrel injustice at all times.

  58. I think I will alternate with tales of dating derp and job derp.

    I worked at Wal-Mart the summer I graduated high school. I had a bright blue vest with the words “May I help you?” written in 4-inch high letters on the back. The most common question I got was: “Do you work here?”

    1. Dude, do you need a life coach, pro boner?

      You are obviously an intelligent guy, and it seems like no matter what you do, you get shit dumped on you.

      1. Eh, no need to feel bad for me. Good things happen to me too, but the bad things make for better stories.

  59. Does Kennedy look hotter in that cap & gown than the red dress?
    Yes.

  60. I say we boycott Kennedy’s commencement address because she was on Voyager, the second worst of the Star Treks.

  61. You know, Stossel always brings on an Obama impersonator in final minute stunts like this.

    1. The Independents will never be Stossel

  62. Why are welders the go-to example of jobs for losers? They make good money and it takes skill.

    1. I wish I could weld. I have a lot of things I’d like to connect together.

      1. Human centipede type things? I’d put Nicole in the middle because she’s the worst.

        1. Wouldn’t being at the end be the worst?

          1. At leas the guy on the end doesn’t have a mouth stitched to his ass. I say middle is worse.

            1. Only one way to find out. We’ll get Emily Ekins to poll it.

  63. THE ROAR OF APPLAUS…DOBBS!!

  64. So I turned on Fast 6, and it’s like car porn. Not that I’m complaining.

  65. I think I will cut the chase of the single weirdest example of dating derp I’ve had so far.

    I did a comedy set at an open mic. After I was done, a female comic came up to me and told me how much she liked my jokes. I thanked her and walked out. Then I thought “hey, why not ask for her number?” So, I went back, and she gave it to me and she said she’d look me up on Derpbook.

    For the next few weeks, I texted her once or twice a week to see if she wanted to meet. She stalled. About a month later, I ask her what the deal is, and she says she had no interest in dating, sorry for leading you on. The weirdest part was when she said she was just exchanging numbers to be friendly. Uh, OK, but why keep up that charade for so long?

    I’m under the impression that when a single guy asks a single girl for a phone number, the reason why is obvious. Never figured that one out.

  66. Well, off to pay my penance on the elliptical for the next hour or so. It’s nice being able to walk to my company’s fitness center.

    Discuss amongst yourselves. Notorious will give you a topic.

    1. Over my aborted body he will.

      1. Playa has been asked for his aborted body to be buried with a deep dish pizza in the shape of Lincoln and Joshua Speed entwined in a loving embrace and topped with foreskins.

        1. No jar of artisan mayonnaise?

          1. Jar? It’s more of a test tube.

  67. Power Play, bitches (Sudden).

    1. Never mind.

    1. Gavin was almost distractingly sober.

      1. Maybe it was filmed in the small window between his hangover from the night before and the formulation of it’s successor?

    2. The Kings snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

      And I got raped by the plumber. Like rape rape.

      1. You were probably asking for it.

        1. I was. To the tune of $3000.

          1. Jesus Christ…what’d he do, re-plumb your whole house?

            1. The hot water heater died. Tankless. It was put in before I bought the house, circa 2001. I used to have the receipt, but it was in Japanese. Anyway, it wasn’t up to code, so they had to do a whole bunch of extra shit.

              At least I can walk down to the garage without getting dizzy, so there’s that.

  68. Awesome 11th hour bump, Welch. I only owe you a 1/2 beer now.

    1. Oh. I forgot the /SARC

  69. What’d I miss?

    1. Kennedy talked too much and made lame jokes, so a typical episode. On a side note, I really wish they would ditch the Topical Storm and do hate mail instead.

  70. Ladies and Gentlemen, your attention please. The thread is now dead. Please proceed to the nearest abortion or gay marriage thread. Thank you.

    1. No, no, no.
      Let’s talk about your love life.
      Start from the beginning.

      1. There have been a few high points. Long story short, it’s been a grind.

        I had a girlfriend who was deaf in one ear because she survived an IRA bomb attack as a child. We went to the Renn fair a few times and rode on the elephant. We banged. Good times…

      2. Let’s talk about YOURS, Pl?ya.

        1. Did you miss that he was rape raped by a plumber today?

          1. I did not miss that & was, in fact, prying for more details on the situation. For your benefit, of course.

            1. Of course. I’m sure you’re not writing Playa slash-fic as we speak.

              You could blog about that!

  71. More dating derp? Coming right up.

    I read a profile once where she said she was only interested in men who were atheists, non-sports fans, and at least 6 ft tall. I fit into the first 2 categories, so I messaged her. Thanks but no thanks, said she.

    Let’s do some math: the rough percentages for those groups are 5%, 50%, and 15%. Multiply that all out and you get less than 1% of all men. That’s pretty small dating pool. I get the feeling she will end up relaxing those criteria.

    1. Ha! I really am the 1%.

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