The National Rifle Association (NRA) has launched a new web series designed to appeal to millennials. Called Noir, it features an interracial pair of flawless, ambiguously aged young folks mixing standard conservative talking points with jarringly gratuitous references to clothing brands, celebrities, and trends.
The overall effect suggests the show was written by a bot exclusively pulling from the Washington Free Beacon and Perez Hilton. Twerking! Trolling! Trans fats! Spotify! Statists!
Noir—described by the NRA as being devoted to "all things style, firearms pop culture and more"—is hosted by YouTube star Colion Noir, with a mini-dress-wearing co-host, Amy Robbins, who seems dangerously near gushing about pumpkin spice lattes at any moment. New episodes will air new online every Sunday evening. You can watch the full 17-minute pilot below, but to spare you I've pulled out some of the more cringe-inducing moments.
1. Product placement: "Why the hell do I have to call up a guy to cerakote my gun like I'm making some back alley drug deal? I can get on Nike.com right now and make a pair of shoes with more colors than a Colors of Benetton ad," complains Noir at the show's start. "And how is it possible for me to walk out of a gun store with a $5,000 gun in a cardboard box? … I want a nice box, I don't want the Build-a-Bear beginning set of a homeless guy's apartment."
2. Girly gun packaging: "I get Lululemon headbands in better packaging than (gun packaging)," complains Robbins, opining that "what the gun industry is missing" is firearm packaging that's as "cute" as yoga company Lululemon's.
3. Your boy Eric Holder: "We're going to talk about smart tech, and no not that tactical chastity bracelet your boy Eric Holder wants to put on every gun owner like he's the czar of firearm virginity." —Noir
4. LOOK WE KNOW WHAT TWERKING IS: "You actually think somebody in a Worldstar twerking video is wearing Google glass?" —Robbins
5. Swag like Hemingway: "I know how we're on this New Kids on the Block/21 Jump Street kick, but the gun world didn't come from nowhere," says Noir. "There's a heritage—a heritage that had a swag that would put most rappers to shame." The screen then flashes to a picture of Ernest Hemingway.
6. Bill, have a chat with your wife (in bed): "It's pretty blatant that Hillary is no longer sleeping with Bill Clinton," says Noir, "because if she were, he would inform her that this whole gun issue thing and trying to walk this elusive line of gun control but still for the Second Amendment rights is probably not the smartest thing to do."
7. Amirite? "Is it me or is Mayor Bloomberg the lamest billionaire on the planet?" —Noir (Followed by Robbins: "Okay, I love that you called him the world's lamest billionaire. It's so true!")
8. Cool like a conservative venture capitalist: "If I were a billionaire, I'd be on Dan Bilzerian's boat trying to convince the gorgeously tanned bombshell that I really do love her for her personality." —Noir
9. The gun that fits your lifestyle: "The Smith & Wesson M&P Shield is the Will Smith of the gun world… It's the most politically correct gun on the planet…. the M&P effortlessly fits into your lifestyle without being overbearing." —Noir
10. The gun for douches: The Smith & Weson M&P Shield is also "a gun for the city urbanite, who makes frequent trips to the CVS at the bottom of his loft because he refuses to buy food from the natural grocery store." —Noir
11. The gun for women who think it's okay to buy groceries on the way home from yoga: The versatile Smith & Wesson M&P is also "for the 24-year-old bombshell whose idea of acceptable grocery store attire is a pair of yoga tights and a T-shirt." —Noir
Here's the whole thing: