Major League Baseball Mandates Metal Detectors at All Stadiums, Working With Homeland Security to "Standardize Security Practices"

America's game


take me out to the ball game, make sure you screen the crowd

America's favorite pastime is about to get more American but less likeable.

From the AP:

Entering a big league ballpark will be a bit like going through an airport by 2015.

Major League Baseball has told its 30 teams they must implement security screening for fans by then, either with hand-held metal detection or walk-through magnetometers.

"This procedure, which results from MLB's continuing work with the Department of Homeland Security to standardize security practices across the game, will be in addition to bag checks that are now uniform throughout MLB," baseball spokesman Michael Teevan said Tuesday.

The Seattle Mariners will have metal detectors at their stadium starting this season. During the last season, the Oakland A's, San Francisco Giants, New York Mets, and Pittsburgh Pirates all tried some kinds of screenings. Bag checks are already standard at baseball, and many other, stadiums. Major League Baseball says it's trying to "standardize security practices" in cooperation with the Department of Homeland Security. Feeling safer yet?

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  1. Look, we’ve got to keep aluminum bats out of the game, okay?

  2. Unlike the airlines where people have to sometimes fly because of work or life circumstances or whatever, no one has to go to a baseball game. Fuck them. When they end up with 10,000 people a game because getting into the stadium is like going through TSA, I bet they figure out DHS doesn’t make a very good business consultant

    1. No shit. I have gone to Mariners games straight from places where I was carrying and not driving, and I walked right in. Now I can’t? Oh well, fuck you, MLB. I like going to Mariners games but not if you make it an inconvenience.

      1. Can you imagine how long it would take to put 30,000 or more people through metal detectors? You would have to get there hours before game time to get in on time to see the first pitch. They have to be fucking kidding me.

        And beyond that, fuck them. I am a paying customer. I am not emptying my pockets and having these assholes tell me that my pocket knife will have to confiscated. I can watch on TV at home or go to a minor league game.

        If baseball fans put up with this shit, Americans are unworthy of their freedoms.

        1. Eventually the benefits of watching the game at home will far outweigh the hassle of going to a pro game.

          1. They are already there. See my comment to Brooks below. Baseball is the one sport that figured that out and made their stadiums and the game experience, rather than watching the game, the attraction. Now they are going to piss that all away.

          2. Eventually?

            Fenway Park has swill for $9 (with an ID, please, even for those of us who could have grandchildren), pizza for an arm, and water for a leg. A mediocre seat with decent view is about $80 (going up, in celebration of the world series win last fall)….

            or, I can sit at home with a decent beer, get an entire pizza for the price of two Fenway slices, and I can scratch myself without being considered rude, or worse.

        2. I am a paying customer

          Govt employee: what is this ‘customer’ word you speak? What does it mean?

          1. John is a government employee. He should ask himself.

        3. …and minor league games can be a lot of fun to watch, reasonably cheap…a much better option.

      2. So, you’re legally carrying, you have a legal permit, and the metal detector goes off. Is it an MLB policy to not allow guns in the park?

        Oh, and before anyone hops in with the ‘private property’ retort, speaking for Safeco Field, I own it. I paid for it.

    2. Yeah, long lines, indifferent a-holes who have to be respected. Inexplicable false beeps. People will pay for that.

    3. Don’t worry. If their attendance goes down, they will just go whine about it and demand subsidies.

      1. No one comes anymore. Must mean we need a new stadium.

      2. Can’t they just force people to attend for the greater good? I’m thinking of a recent Supreme Court case that upheld an insurance mandate…

        1. “You can force people into the seat, but you can’t force them to pay attention to the game. Case Closed.”

      3. If their attendance goes down, they will just go whine about it and demand subsidies.

        In addition to the subsidies they’re already getting?

  3. Nice alt-text.

    Got me thinking, how long until peanuts are banned from stadiums?

    1. They still allow those weapons of mass anaphylactic destruction?

  4. They “hate us for our freedoms!” Soon, we’ll be able to respond,
    “What Freedoms?”

    1. Note:

      Do not respond to the question at the end of the American National sung prior to the game with a correct answer.

      The truth is very politically incorrect.

  5. Have there been a rash of shootings and stabbings at baseball games that I haven’t heard about?

    1. Precautionary principle. Prove no one will start shooting or stabbing people if they aren’t screened. You can’t. Thus screening is necessary.

      Winning arguments is easy when you make an assertion and then switch the burden of proof.

      1. The thing I don’t get is why they’d do this to themselves. Did they find some study that showed how popular TSA screenings are at the airport and decide to get in on some of that sweet action? I just can’t think of any reason to intentionally make your product worse.

        1. I would bet a lot of money that there is enormous pressure from the TSA for venues of all types to “voluntarily” expand themselves into the TSA security sphere. It only makes sense, since bureaucratic agencies have one purpose: to expand their scope and power, continuously.

          1. We won’t be safe until you can’t go anywhere without being checked by security. That’s what it means to be free.

          2. I wonder how long until the TSA decides to take over baseball security like they did at airports?

            1. You can’t professionalize unless you federalize.

    2. There are usually 1 or 2 stabbings at Dodger Stadium a season. But they answer to that is put more lights in the parking lot (which they have) and hire more security (there are a lot more LAPD at the game since that Giants fan was nearly beaten to death).

      Of course most thugs are going to keep their weapons in their cars so parking lot violence is probably more a risk.

      1. there are a lot more LAPD at the game since that Giants fan was nearly beaten to death

        If people are getting beaten, the LAPD wants in on that.

      2. Odds that car burglaries in the parking lot will skyrocket? Increased chance of picking up a gun == mother lode.

      3. Can’t the Dodger and Giant fans just agree to beat up on the po-pos?

        1. Only for tied games.

  6. I seem to remember hearing somebody whining about actual stadium ticket sales, just in the past few days. I’m sure this will help.

    “Baseball, America’s pastime; now with extra rapescan.”

    1. The funniest thing about this is that MLB is the one professional sports league that has managed to sell the experience of going to the game so well that the emergence of high def televisions hasn’t hurt their attendance.

      They spent 30 years building and refurbishing stadiums and making going to a baseball game an attraction and experience independent from watching the game itself. Now they are going to piss all of that away rape scanning their customers. And unlike the NFL, people won’t be watching baseball on TV at home. Unbelievable.

      1. If MLB ever un-fucks their blackout rules that will change quickly.

        1. They don’t deserve anyone’s business. You can pay hundreds of dollars for the MLB cable package and still not get to see all of the games of your favorite team because whenever the local team is on a national broadcast, you get blacked out from your out of market game that you paid for.

          I am getting to the point that I am just going to stop watching sports. It just causes me aggravation when my teams lose, which they always seem to do. And none of those greedy welfare queen bastards that run the leagues deserve a dollar of my money. Fuck it, I could be doing more productive things with my time.

          1. It just causes me aggravation when my teams lose, which they always seem to do.

            Another Astros fan, eh? How about the Rockets the other night? Choke City!

            1. Not Astros fan. Even worse, a Chiefs fan. Why bother anymore? It just puts me in a bad mood and pisses off my wife. And the NFL and MLB are all assholes unworthy of my dollar anyway.

            2. And I pity Houston. No team with Dwight Howard as its best or second best player is ever going to win anything.

          2. I haven’t watched baseball since they stopped having Red Sox games on broadcast TV.

          3. “I could be doing more productive things with my time.”

            Like actually working instead of goldbricking on the taxpayer’s dime?

            1. You tell them Mary.

              1. Her medical insurance got cancelled. The meds have all run out.

                1. But you guys, how did you recognize her? She’s a master of disguise!!!

                  1. Unfortunately she buys all her disguises from Auguste Balls.

      2. unlike the NFL, people won’t be watching baseball on TV at home.

        The local broadcast rights contracts being given out suggest otherwise.

  7. In other news, baseball ticket sales fall to record lows, bewildering stadium owners, league insiders.

    1. The response will be something like increasing ticket prices by 75% and food/beverage by 200%.

  8. MLB becoming more and more like public school.

  9. I had a chance to go the this years Fiesta Bowl, but I was worried what kind of bullshit security was going to be at the gates. Long story short I sold the tickets and watched the game on T.V.

  10. this is something baseball is doing on its own, there was no force that we know of involved. Is the game actively trying to discourage attendance?

    1. Sports bars around the nation rejoice

      1. I can watch multiple games at once, not pay admission, pay less for food & beer, and not have to bend over when I walk through the door?

        Tell me more about this place!

        1. Or, stop talking about it before the wreckers catch on and ruin that too. Blabbermouth.

  11. I go to Marlins Stadium when they play the Phillies. Guess I’ll be skipping that in the future. Even with the limited number of people going to those games, it’ll be so much easier and cheaper to sit on the couch with a beer and watch it on TV.

  12. Oh great. When I go to jets games the security is such that I have to leave my car by 1215 to make kick off at 1 (including a piss break and the purchase of a $12 Sam Adams). It’s not like they were selling out games this year either.

    Btw, we’re not renewing out season tickets. For a variety of reasons

  13. Interesting how “standardized security practices” equals “more”. They can’t standardize to the more sane of course.

  14. On the other hand, there’s always minor league games…for now. Most of the experience, at a fraction of the cost.

    1. And if your local affiliate is part of an organisation with a great farm system you can see a lot of future major leaguers.

  15. Ahh, refreshing to see such fine public/private collaboration!

  16. My days of not giving MLB any custom are definitely coming to a middle.

  17. It only makes sense, since bureaucratic agencies have one purpose: to expand their scope and power, continuously.

    Year-over-year rate of budget growth is the only meaningful metric of success, when you work for the government.

  18. What? You want another 9/11 Black Sunday?

  19. I remember pat-downs at the old Schaefer (Foxboro) Stadium 40 years ago. They weren’t looking for guns or bombs, just booze. Behind the guards was a dumpster they were throwing all the confiscated bottles into. A stream of pure alcohol was flowing out the bottom. I probably could have done the world a favor and detonated the place with a match.

    1. You mean they didn’t keep the booze for themselves?

      1. They kind of made a show of tossing the bottles into the dumpster and breaking them. Of course, a lot of guys were just downing their liquor while in line and handing them the empties.

        The season ticket guy in front of us had a pair of fake binoculars that was really a big flask.

  20. MLB had already done a good job of chasing me away. I was down to one Reds at Nats game a year with my dad. I think this will be the end of that.

  21. Fortunately, the Libertarian Wife and I managed to check the Wrigley box on our bucket list last year. So the fact that we will no longer go to an MLB game is of far less consequence.

  22. Do ticket-holders get a free groping with that as well?

  23. TAKE! Me out to the ball game!
    TAKE! Me out of the line!
    Scan me and strip me and finger me
    All in the name of security

    Now it’s ROOT! Root root
    for the Feddies
    They’ll always win, that’s no lie
    And it’s
    Seven cavity searches
    because, Fuck You That’s Whyyyyyyy!

    1. You hit it out of the park.

  24. DISBAND THE NSA AND DHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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