Post Office

Those Deadly, Dangerous Postage Stamps Still Live

Series of frolicking kids not yet destroyed. Won't somebody think of the children?


Remember these things?

Earlier in the month, we were all outraged to discover the United States Postal Service was playing with the lives of children with a series of stamps showing kids engaging in terrifying, reckless activities like doing headstands without wearing helmets and skateboarding without kneepads.

Untold lives were saved when members of the President's Council on Fitness, Sports and Nutrition intervened and objected to some of the images presented on the "Just Move" stamp series. Initial reporting by Linn's Stamp News said the whole stamp run was going to be destroyed.

But that is not the case, at least not yet. The stamps were not scheduled to actually be released until next spring, and now it's been put on hold until they decide what to do. I talked briefly with Roy Betts, a spokesman for the USPS. He corrected the record that the stamps have not been destroyed, but production of them is on hold until a decision is made, sometime in 2014.

So for now, it is safe to expose your children to postage stamps to, you know, explain to them how we used to use them to send letters to our dinosaur pen-pals back in the olden days.

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  1. Those Deadly, Dangerous Postage Stamps Still Live

    Lou Reed on the other hand…

    1. Who will be the pallbearers at Lou’s funeral?

      1. There is no sugarcoating it. He will be let down by the Cleveland Browns.

        1. I was gone for a week, where did the sugarcoating meme come from?

          1. Obama’s massive under-statement of Obamacare website problems was: “There’s no sugarcoating it: The web site is too slow.” John picked it up and ran with it.

            1. Yeah, John’s analogy with Flight 800 was spot-on.

              (jesse, something along the lines of “There’s no sugarcoating it, TWA flight 800 will not be on time)

            2. – There is no sugarcoating it. On September 11, 2001, several passengers of Arab descent violated a number of FAA regulations.

              – There is no sugarcoating it. The HMS Hood suffered from seaworthiness problems after maneuvers in the Denmark Strait.

  2. I’m not quite dead yet.

    I’m actually feeling much better.

    I’m happy! I’m sooooo happy!

    1. But you’ll never get your free healthcare now!

      1. But you’ll get to vote in Chicago.

  3. So for now, it is safe to expose your children to postage stamps to, you know, explain to them how we used to use them to send letters to our dinosaur pen-pals back in the olden days.

    Not without wearing a helmet and leather work gloves in case of paper cuts!

  4. I thought it was silly before.

    But now I see the soccer player, who is not wearing shin guards or a helmet. What if he attempts a head ball and suffers a concussion? Gets kicked in the shin and suffers a bruise? Should we even be encouraging kicking? Think of the children!


    2. I think it was my last high school gym class session ever, the teacher was cool and had the class decide what to play. I was so proud of myself, I was the first student to suggest something, and I suggested kickball. We played standard kickball with a regular kickball, and no dumbass rule versions. It had been years since I played regular kickball, because it was dangerous or something. Also, we had kind of outgrown it by then anyway.

      1. We played kickball during recess in middle school on asphalt. I pegged a girl right below her ass while she was running with the ball which caused her to trip and fall flat on her face.

        Those were the good days.

      2. We used to play a game we called killerball, in the padded wrestling room.

        Two teams. One volleyball. To score, you had to touch the volleyball (while holding it) to the other team’s wall.


        1. Punching
        2. Biting

        1. We used to do double boxing. Four people with one boxing glove each.

    3. I don’t make it a habit to look at children’s crotches, but I haven’t seen the bulge of a cup on any of the stamps.

      1. bulge of a cup

        Nice band name.

  5. Those Deadly, Dangerous Postage Stamps Still Live

    As if I wasn’t offended enough after the way Seinfeld treated the death of Susan Ross, I have to see this headline?

  6. What are those things? Blotter hits?

  7. What if the kids lick them? Is the glue non-toxic?

    1. How do I know I won’t be ripped off, without the government making sure they are legit?

    2. Well, the glue is not technically *toxic*.

      However, if a kid’s tongue touches the back of one of these stamps, it’s worse than the flagpole episode in A Christmas Story.

    3. Dope fiends are handing out stamps with LSD on them at playgrounds, with heroin too to get YOUR CHILDREN hooked!

  8. What 17 trillion in debt? Look over there, those stamps are dangerous to the children!

  9. What bothers me the most is the “twist” stamp. The kids go off and start twisting to their rock ‘n roll at the hopsock like the Elvis, with the girls in their knee-high poodle skirts and the boys in their tight white shirts with cigarettes rolled up into the sleeves. Then they speed away in an Impala with a guy named Biff to the drive-in where they drink schnapps and fool around. This country’s going to hell.

  10. He corrected the record that the stamps have not been destroyed

    Say what?

    production of them is on hold until a decision is made, sometime in 2014.

    I trust that the taxpayers will be informed of the cost of having a committee of Top. Men. make this very difficult decision.

    1. The cost is Fuck You dollars and That’s Why cents.

        1. Its the single biggest sector of the economy, and our chief export, too.

    2. If it saves even one stamp, don’t we have an obligation to try?

      1. Not really, I don’t want a “return to sender – insufficient postage”

  11. Offtopic: Has Reason added even more lousy scripts and squirrelz to HNR? The site is crashing more than Billy Joel after a wine tasting.

    1. Agreed. IE10 + H&R == tehsux.

      1. I don’t think the site is your problem.

        1. IE 10 is hardly IE 5 through 8 bad, Hugh. Brett is just more forgiving, or a grandparent.

    2. Nah. Your computer has a virus.

      1. you know who else had a virus?

        1. Zombies?

        2. The Martians invading Earth?

    3. What browser are you using Clit? I’ve had more regular problems with it failing out on posting while using Chrome, but I think that’s server traffic (or my shitty work network) not bloat on the page.

    4. Adblock + Ghostery = No problems.

    5. I don’t have any crashing issues, but I’m about sick of that autoplaying movie video.

  12. What assurances do I have that the kid jumping into the pool has waited at least thirty minutes after he last ate?

    1. 30 minutes after lunch…it’s an hour after dinner.

  13. The baseball player isn’t wearing a helmet OR a cup. Brain damage and sterility for sure.

    1. Do you ever wonder if there were Greek concern trolls walking around the Stoa saying things like, “The warriors on those vases didn’t fight naked! Our children will shun the use of armor when they become hoplites”?

  14. Just one more example of a national crisis solved by government. Or at least a crisis that will eventually be solved by government once they’ve analyzed whether it really is a crisis. You libertarian government haters should be eating crow right now.

    1. This is what government does best: spending our money on solutions to problems the government created.

  15. They should overprint them and add helmets and kneepads.

    1. No, if they overprint them, make them the “consequences” set, with blood and compound fractures!

  16. Well, this is certainly the least contrite correction I’ve ever seen in print.

  17. How about — dare I say it — giving them to our enemies?


    1. OMG! You are so evil!

  18. What I want to know is:
    How many children’s lives are lost due to diabetes and obesity, because health nannies made children’s sports un-fun?

    Is the number of lives saved due to helmet use greater than the number of people that die prematurely because they stopped riding their bikes because the helmet was too much of a pain in the ass?

    1. No no no no no…..

      Kids are fat because of evil corporations force feeding them a steady diet of GMO HFCS.

      1. Kids are fat because of the food desert in the school hallway. The cafeteria is just too far to walk, so they have to eat snacks from the vending machines.

    2. Also, can we compute the discounted future costs of excess health care needed to compensate for the lack of physical activity, and compare it to the present expected costs of healthcare due to head injuries?

  19. The post office can’t be responsible for showing kids today there are things to do besides playing video games like back in the dinosaur days.

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