Tamerlan Buried as House Hearings Begin, California Health Exchanges Will Lack Transparency, U.S. Presence in Afghanistan to Remain Large: P.M. Links

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  • Six feet under … something … somewhere.
    FBI

    An unidentified "compassionate individual" has decided to take on responsibility for burying the remains of alleged Boston Marathon bomber Tamerlan Tsarnaev. Today the House of Representatives began a hearing on the federal response to the attack. Authorities in Boston say the federal government did not let them know about the information they had gathered about the Tsarnaevs.

  • California's health exchanges will likely be operating under a pretty thick veil of secrecy in regards to contractor costs. I know it sounds sinister, but it probably reduces the risk of heart attacks among Californians by keeping them unaware of how much health industry cronies and relatives of state politicians are cashing in. It's for their own good!
  • Hezbollah's chief says Syria will be providing them with "game-changing weapons," in the event anybody thought the situation out there wasn't going all to hell fast enough.
  • Unable to accept that they have to cut more positions from their economically distressed paper, the top two editors of the Village Voice have resigned.
  • A modernized version of Richard Wagner's opera Tannhauser in Germany that included Nazi imagery showing Jews being executed prompted audience members to seek "medical attention." The show has been canceled.
  • This is what withdrawal from Afghanistan looks like: The United States may keep as many as nine military bases open there, according to President Hamid Karzai.

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  1. The United States may keep as many as nine military bases open there, according to President Hamid Karzai.

    Germany can’t seem to live without theirs.

    1. You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.

    1. Had Cigar City when I visited Tampa on business, pretty good stuff but I preferred Saint Somewhere.

  2. Today the House of Representatives began a hearing on the federal response to the attack.

    Time for us to start another war with a country that did not attack us.

    1. Not yet, anyway. BUT THEY WILL IF WE DON’T DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

  3. A modernized version of Richard Wagner’s opera Tannhauser in Germany that included Nazi imagery showing Jews being executed prompted audience members to seek “medical attention.”

    Audience members wandering in off the street with no idea what they had paid to see.

    1. This was a Mel Brooks production?

    2. How can people make it through life being so fragile?

    3. When did Germans become so sensitive?

  4. California’s health exchanges will likely be operating under a pretty thick veil of secrecy in regards to contractor costs.

    Doesn’t the Golden State’s motto include something about ignorance being expensive bliss.

  5. http://blog.al.com/breaking/20…..er_default

    People apparently don’t much like the fact that UAH’s campus police are experimenting with drones.

    1. http://blog.al.com/breaking/20…..vs_to.html For more on Huntsville’s (a city built on defense spending for what it’s worth) burgeoning interests in drone technology.

  6. We know which way the wind is blowing on gay marriage in FL.

    Amid speculation he will run as a Democrat for his old job, former Republican Gov. Charlie Crist on Wednesday said he supports allowing same-sex marriage. Note that ol’ Weathervane Charlie will be running as a Dem if he runs.

    1. you know what… libertarians should infiltrate both parties.

      Those who like to focus on social issues should go Democrat and really push the shit out of removing the state from marriage and pushing for drug legalization and such.

      Those who focus on economic issues should go Republican and push the shit out of removing restrictions to the free market.

      Then the infiltrators on both sides can start bi-partisan support to push those issues to the front. Both lefty statists and righty statists would be flipping their shit and, hopefully, start to lose credibility as the message of liberty spreads.

      1. Charlie Crist has no moral philosophy like ‘libertarianism’. The closest thing that he has is a basic limbic, amoebic-like desire to be closer to power.

      2. I’d be afraid of one day spewing black bile, curling into a ball and weeping uncontrollably, muttering “what have I become, what have I become?”

  7. Hezbollah’s chief says Syria will be providing them with “game-changing weapons”…

    OMG THEY DOWNLOADED THE BLUEPRINTS.

    1. I thought they got 20 sided dice.

      Excuse me, assault dice.

      1. Who really needs 20 sides on their die?

        1. Clearly regular citizens can defend their rights with d4’s.

          1. Well, after a simple background check of course.

            1. What do you need to roll to make a background check?

              1. Anything but snake eyes. Snakes bite people, they are a clear threat to our national security.

          2. You don’t really need more than a coin flip.

            1. Still too many sides…

        2. Um, that would be 10 sides.

          1. 10 sides too many.

          2. Not for damage…and 6 for THAC0

        3. Bloomie is working on a ban that will require all die to have seven sides.

    2. Dead giveaway.

    3. We need to stop shipments of ABS plastic and stepper motors to Syria!

  8. Federal law enforcement/homeland security fucked up; so we need to give them more power.

  9. 3 of the first 4 comments are actually relevant to the links. You’re slipping, commenters.

    1. I WAS AWAY

    2. Your comment is actually relevant only to the non-relevant comments. As is mine. Space-time will now commence folding in on itself. Yikes.

  10. Hezbollah’s chief says Syria will be providing them with “game-changing weapons,” in the event anybody thought the situation out there wasn’t going all to hell fast enough.

    But don’t you dare export plans for a 3D printed gun! Someone dangerous might get ahold of it!

  11. Unable to accept that they have to cut more positions from their economically distressed paper, the top two editors of the Village Voice have resigned

    Well, that’s two down right there!

    1. I knew someone lazy or untalented would go for this obvious lay up, but I didn’t know you were slumming today.

      1. Obvious?!?

        1. It took me like two seconds to spot that joke!

          1. Don’t read his stuff, he’s an ochlagogue.

            1. Obviously.

          2. But Epi wasn’t joking, so how long did that take you?

          3. Seriously, I started to type that as the opening comment. It was too banal even for me.

            1. I do the banal so that you don’t have to.

              1. Given the STD rate that the girls you get with doubtlessly have, I thank you for doing me this favor.

                1. I’m venturing a guess that the rate of STDs are driven by a common factor…

                  1. “I’m venturing a guess that the rate of STDs are driven by a common factor…”

                    48% of black women in the USA between the ages of 14 and 49 have genital herpes. What are you? Some sort of RACIST?!!!??

                    http://www.cdc.gov/nchhstp/new…..lease.html

    2. You know, if they would just print more papers, the revenue issue would solve itself and there would be full employment for all editors.

      /Paul Krugman

  12. Buzz Aldrin gives Obama the ‘faked moon landing guy’ look after being used and discarded by the President.

    1. Buzz wrote his dissertation on orbital rendezvous and then personally implemented it in not only earth orbit but also in lunar orbit; he doesn’t have time for this shit.

      1. http://dspace.mit.edu/handle/1721.1/12652 By the way, you can go read Dr. Aldrin’s 1963 doctoral thesis.

    2. Classic behavior of the insecure narcissist who is afraid that people will look down upon them if given the slightest excuse.

      The only thing Obama hasn’t done to inform people about his personality disorder is to wave a giant flag saying “I’m a narcissist!” written in ink made from his bodily fluids.

    3. I wish someone had a real recording or transcript of that. This sounds like it will end up with Aldrin walking it back, claiming something like it was misinterpreted and no disrespect was intended. Aldrin is an ex military guy and I would think he’s probably got enough respect for the office of President that he might do it. On the other hand, the President obviously has no concept of respect for anyone, including a guy who not only landed on the moon, but was instrumental in developing the theory necessary to do so.

      1. He didn’t land on that moon.

    4. Aldrin went to the Moon, and Obama piled debt to it.

    5. *President Obama had nothing to say to the moonwalker and didn’t seem to want to hear anything from Aldrin on the long flight to Florida. So Aldrin sat in the back of Air Force One and never saw Obama ? until it landed.*

      I am astonished that…crud, yeah you’re the frikkin’ President, but THIS GUY WALKED ON THE MOON!!! Talk to him about what the experience was like! Ask about his family! Something!

      What an absolute snotnoggin!

      Holy Cow! I’m usually ambivalent about Obama, regarding him as another run-of-the-mill jerk politician dictator wanna-be, but reading stories like this reminds me how personally odious the man is.

      1. “You’re one of 44, I’m one of 12.”

        1. Not to mention that “one of 44” for a single nation that is only a couple centries old. Aldrin is “one of 12” for the entire human race for all of history.

      2. Jesus, can Obama be any more of an insufferable prick?

        Man, if I were on a plane with Aldrin I’d never quit asking questions.

        Just goes to show you what an incurious, self-centered douche Dear Leader is. What a fucking stain.

      3. “*President Obama had nothing to say to the moonwalker and didn’t seem to want to hear anything from Aldrin on the long flight to Florida. So Aldrin sat in the back of Air Force One and never saw Obama ? until it landed.*”

        And they claimed W was incurious.

        1. He’s got to figure out some way to ban guns, get to single payer government health care, win the 2014 mid-term elections for the Dems, and close Guantanamo. He doesn’t have time to talk to some guy who walked on an orbiting space rock!

    6. dude, that happened in 2010. I’m sure Obama has changed since then and totally respects the Buzz now.

      1. I hate it when old stories are brought back up as if they happened recently. It’s a very “Obama-ish” thing to do.

    7. That’s surprising, even for Obama. I mean, that’s Buzz Fucking Aldrin. I guarantee, with no snark or political bias at all in this statement that is about to follow when I get around to saying it, that far more people will know his name a few centuries from now than Obama’s.

      Of course, even more people will know Armstrong’s, but that’s just because he was Neil FUCKING Armstrong.

  13. A modernized version of Richard Wagner’s opera Tannhauser in Germany that included Nazi imagery showing Jews being executed prompted audience members to seek “medical attention.”

    Next time tie a string to your panties. That way you won’t need the proctologist to help you get them back out.

  14. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S…..o_Darkness

    Because the movie had a world premiere on April 23, you can now go read the entire plot synopsis a full week before official release.

    1. There should be a law against spoilers (pop culture and car trunk versions).

      1. SPOILER ALERT!: http://www.theatlanticwire.com…..han/64919/ As this article eloquently points out, Iron Man 3 did a far better job than Star Trek Into Darkness of keeping the villain spoilers under wraps.

    2. But a plot synopsis won’t include the lens flares!

    3. Honest Trailer for the first Star Trek remake.

      Also, Chris Pine never learned to dress himaself.(After the pics of the women)

      1. I’m not really sure why Abram’s Trek gets so much credit for being “watchable.” True, it’s more watchable than A LOT of the previous Trek films, but if you want to watch a good and truly watchable one, you can’t go bad with The Wrath of Khan, The Voyage Home, The Undiscovered Country, or, hell, First Contact.

        1. Though, First Contact did ruin the Borg mythos by copping the Xenomorph mythos and adding a centralized queen.

          However, the Enterprise-E is quite possibly the most gorgeous spaceship ever brought to film, so it passes muster.

      2. I don’t understand why he’s wearing his pants like a geriatric.

      3. No one pays attention to my posts

        *runs off sobbing*

        1. You know who else sobs alone? Some fatty on Plenty Of Fish.

    4. Yep, fucking stupid. Big surprise.

      And I don’t hate Abrams. I like Fringe. But this whole business was dumb from the beginning. Young Star Wars Trek in Space!

      1. Kinda scary that people don’t seem to realize that Shatner wasn’t 80 when he did Trek in the 60s. He was five years older than pine was–and Nimoy was only three years older than Quinto.

        So there’s no ‘young’ about it.

    5. Are they still debating on whether or not to capitalize the i in into?

  15. I may have found an honest feminist columnist.

    Amanda, it’s been so long since I’ve seen a reference to the claim that abortions make up only 3 percent of the services that Planned Parenthood provides that I thought maybe they’d stopped trying. It might not be a technically incorrect number, but it is meaningless?to the point of being downright silly? for several reasons.

    Ho-lee shit

    1. But it’s easy to calculate, as the Weekly Standard did, that Planned Parenthood gets at least a third of its clinic income?and more than 10 percent of all its revenue, government funding included?from its abortion procedures.

      She also apparently goes outside the hugbox for her sources, something most feminists refuse to do.

      1. hugbox?

        I see what you did there

  16. It’s not lupus you dumb bint.

    On Wednesday, at 1:47 AM, police in Santa Fe, Texas received a call from the Mainland Center Hospital that a 14-year-old boy had been admitted with a gunshot injury to his thigh. A surveillance video in the boy’s home revealed he had received the wound more than seven hours earlier

    1. A surveillance video in the boy’s home

      What?

  17. 30 Days of Sexism.

    This is absolutely ridiculous. Anyone here not had someone be a dick to them on the internet?

    And the examples are stretching pretty hard. Like advanced yoga hard. Makes me wonder about that “77” tally.

    1. Anyone here not had someone be a dick to them on the internet?

      Like today?

      1. Shut up, Brett, you redolent nincompoop.

        1. See, I was going to say

          Anyone here not had someone Episiarch be a dick to them on the internet?

          But I thought that was too dickish.

          1. Stop slacking you poser!

    2. If there is anyone here who I have not offended, please speak up.

      1. I like you Tonio. You cannot offend me unless I choose to be offended.

        1. And I like you waffles, because you understand that offense is entirely under the control of the person “being offended”. Too many of my own family members don’t understand that.

      2. Your desire to offend is offensive!

        Oh, no, I’ve fallen into your trap! Arrggh!

      3. I’m offended you would even think such a thing.

      4. I come to the internet in order to be offended.

      5. No one on H&R has ever offended me. Humanity, maybe.

    3. It must be really hard living with an epidermis only ten cells thick…

  18. So they are saying the kidnapper could face murder chargers for forcing the women to miscarry.

    Good! He should face murder charges. I hope once he gets in prison, he never sees the outside of it again.

    1. How can you charge him with murder for something that isn’t even human?

      1. It’s human, it’s just not a person, amirite?

        1. I dunno, man. That’s a slippery slope I’m not sure we should go down…

          1. okay, so no personhood until majority age.

      2. How can you charge him with murder for something that isn’t even human?

        Duh, it magically becomes murder if a man does it.

  19. http://www.marketwatch.com/sto…..deo_second

    Studies show most dads won’t take Yahoo up on the paid paternity offer.

    I wonder how the Jezebel writers will react to that.

    1. Someone really needs to create a fake Office of the Patriarchy (with official letterhead, etc.) for trolling purposes, among them creating a memo discouraging taking the paid paternity offer, then seeing if Jezebel, etc. print it as proof of the Patriarchy’s existence.

      Issuing Man Cards (“This card may be revoked by a jury of your fellow men”) would also be something the O of the P could do.

      1. Wait. Jury composition is going to be important here. Who get’s to select, and from what pool of the population?

        1. Jury members must all be professional lumberjacks.

          1. I don’t think a horde of crossdressers with mother issues make a good jury.

        2. Dried-up old white men who are Christians, of course.

          1. What, no Jewish patriarchs?

      2. Enough About Palin here. I’m trying a name change.

        1. It feels like it’s time for Palin commentary to come back, suddenly.

          1. Grrrrr….

  20. Look, those fusion centers are only so the feds can keep track of what the locals are up to. You don’t expect the information to flow both ways, do you?

  21. Ahh yes, the only way to fix student loan problems and bring down the cost of tuition is to give students easier credit so that the incentive for universities to lower tuition remains non-existant

    “If the Federal Reserve can float trillions of dollars to large financial institutions at low interest rates to grow the economy, surely they can float the Department of Education the money to fund our students, keep us competitive, and grow our middle class,” Warren (D-Mass.) said on the floor of the Senate Wednesday.

    1. We were talking about that this morning. Like I said there, were I a libertarian leaning Republican I would offer an amendment that (a)removes Federal student loan guarantees starting, say 8/1/2014 and (b)offers this rate to anyone with student loans originated before that who declares personal bankruptcy, with the stipulation that the institution at which the debt was incurred being responsible for repaying the loan originator the difference.

    2. One way to keep us competitive would be to strictly limit the types of majors for which student loans are available to ones that have the potential to be significant contributors to our economy.

      Do you want the U.S. to be a global leader in navel gazing or in profitable industry? Don’t get me wrong, I respect many liberal arts majors. Just make sure you get a job doing profitable shit or your interest rate goes up.

    3. surely they can float the Department of Education the money

      NEEDZ MOAR MOAR!

  22. Consumer Reports went big on the Tesla Model S today, announcing the car had scored 99/100 on its rating system ? the highest rating of any vehicle the magazine has ever tested. It’s “truly a remarkable car,” an excerpt of the review concludes, although one still limited by the inherent constraint of any all-electric vehicle: a battery that can take hours to fully charge, complicating long distance travel.

    http://blogs.wsj.com/corporate…..-car-ever/

    1. If a car that is incapable of long distance travel has a nearly perfect score, then it’s time to revamp the rating system.

      1. RESPECT CONSUMER REPORTS AUTHORITAHH

        1. Consumer Reports:

          The progressive retard of car magazines!

      2. You don’t need to go farther than 10 miles in your assault vehicle.

      3. You don’t need to go farther than 10 miles in your assault vehicle.

        1. But you do need to return after you get there.

        2. You don’t need to go farther than 10 miles in your assault vehicle.

        3. My assault vehicle is powered by a brace of rowing honduran immigrants.

          It’s range is only limited by the passage of an effective immigration bill.

    2. I don’t see how battery powered vehicles will ever be practical until you can drive into what looks like a carwash, the drained battery is popped off the bottom and whisked away to be recharged the slow, long-service life way and a charged one is popped on for you to drive away with.

      1. Gasoline is just such a better holder of potential energy than current tech battery there is no good reason to buy an electric car other than wanting to be a goody goody greeny.

        Most of the time the electricity they use to charge their car was generated by a coal or natural gas plant so they are really not *saving* the planet.

        1. Climate change aside, there are still many good reasons to reduce emissions from fossil fuel vehicles, especially in urban settings. In that regard, electric vehicles can play a role. No endorsement of government subsidies is being made.

          1. If they can figure out battery tech that even comes close to the reliability and utility of a combustion engine, I would not hesitate to buy one (provided the price is right) but currently battery powered cars are useless outside of small commuter vehicles.

            An electric car that has the same utility as a combustion engine that is charged from electricity provided nuclear plants would be the cleanest futre.

            But, for now and for the foreseeable future, liquid hydrocarbons are by far for the best energy source for vehicles.

      2. One possibility would be ultracapacitors, which charge extremely fast. The problem is they have a significantly lower energy density than batteries so for a given storage cell weight, you get less energy and less range. With an improvement in ultracap tech, it could become feasible. Of course, then, the more fast charge/discharge ultracaps out there, the greater the potential for backyard railguns. As is noted, the energy density of liquid fuels is so much better that gasoline and diesel will continue to be far and away the smartest options.

        1. Of course, then, the more fast charge/discharge ultracaps out there, the greater the potential for backyard railguns

          Who wants to export plans for a backyard railgun?

      3. They have those, NC, at least in development. The systems are vehicle-specific and not compatible with Tesla.

      4. I agree about gasoline/liquid fuel being better, I meant practical more along the lines of “I have to wait HOW LONG for this damn thing to be charged?!”

    3. With a base price of 69,900 not including the federal tax rebate, no thanks, I’ll buy a used airplane.

    4. There is no way that car outperforms every I/C car ever tested. I’m extremely disappointed in CR.

      1. Meh,it is pretty much a composite opinion, so it is kinda silly to put a number to it anyway. In the video they give their reasons – it performs at the top in acceleration, handling, braking, ride comfort and noise. Combine that with a super-cool high-end interior and superior roominess for a sedan (no engine, gas or exhaust to eat up space) and it is going to rate out pretty high anyway. If you’ve never driven a high-end electric it is hard to describe the difference in the drive train – the immediate responsiveness and extreme torque make for a very fun drive.

        Plus, Consumer’s Union is always tilted toward male drivers in the 50+ demographic, the sweet spot for Tesla’s Model S. Finally, with their progressive DNA the green feature has to count for something. I’d say it is fairly predictable that they’d like this car – although I doubt a car costing north of 80k should rate a “best buy”.

  23. Balancing the budget is racist.

    Detroit says “‘show me the money’, you racist bastards. And you’d better not ask what I do with it.”

    1. Governor Rick Snyder, a Republican, contends that the state has an obligation to make sure local governments are on solid fiscal footing. Despite the demographic disproportions in the affected cities, it’s unlikely that discrimination has motivated the governor’s EM appointments. The areas under emergency management are some of Michigan’s largest clusters of concentrated poverty, ravaged by decades of deindustrialization.

      You spelled ‘Democrats’ wrong.

    2. “The overall health of a community depends on people’s sense of having a stake in it,” said David Bullock, pastor of two Detroit area churches and founder of the civic group Change Agent Consortium. “Emergency management just works against long-term stability and health for communities, because the people on the ground feel like they don’t have any voice or value.”

      If the overall health of the place you live depends on people’s sense of having a stake in it, then why do we remove the stake people have in their home through subsidized housing?

      Answer me that, David Bullock.

      1. Allow me, Irish:

        “I said *sense of* having a stake, not *actually* having a stake. Tagging the walls, floors, and ceilings of the subsidized housing provides this sense.”

      2. I had a steak in Detroit once. Back when it was only mildly insolvent.

        1. Whatever happened to that girl who used to post “I took a dump in _______ once.”?

          1. Registration? You know that had to be an alt.

            1. Yeah, that is definitely the kind of post you’d seen in an alt. newsgroup….

  24. Checked out PlentyOfFish last night. It sucks. More like PlentyOfFatties (I’m sure I’m the first one to think of that).

    1. What if God’s match for your life is a fattie?

      1. God’s match

        You’re thinking eHarmony. God’s match for me is to be eternally single; I’m part of the 20ish% they won’t accept. This apparently has a high correlation with people who admit to being nonreligious.

        1. They don’t take people? What the hell reasons do they give?

          1. Pretty much what Zakalwe said. They don’t like the irreligious and they don’t allow gay people.

            1. Also depressed people.

              1. This is an untapped market opportunity.

                Here’s your chance to get in on the ground floor of DepressedGayAtheist.com. Invest now, before this window closes.

                1. DepressedGayAtheist.com

                  Based on my experience, I’m pretty sure OKCupid already fills that niche.

                  1. It certainly has plenty of (at least nominal) bisexuals.

                    1. I was texting with a girl on there and ended up going on one date with her. I knew things were going to go badly when, about half an hour before our date, she texted me saying ‘Just so you know, I have serious, clinical depression.’

                      Now, there’s nothing wrong with that, and if I were dating someone for a few weeks and they brought it up, it wouldn’t really matter. But why the fuck would you tell someone that before you’ve even met? That was a serious red flag.

                    2. Yeah, that would be all I need to know.

                      “Oh, you’re a white American female with a job and family and friends, yet your are “clinically” depressed? Have fun fucking your therapist. I’m out.”

                    3. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that, and if I were dating someone for a few weeks and they brought it up,

                      Should have texted back “So it’s your treat then?”

                2. DepressedGayAtheist.com

                  Ugh, missed opportunity for gay portmanteau!

                  depressedgaytheists.com

                  …wait, that one doesn’t work so well. carry on GBN, nothing to see here.

                  1. That’s a very niche market, Jesse, but I’m sure there’s some cash in it.

                3. You mean the bottom floor, right?

          2. When I did it back in 2002ish they didn’t give a specific reason, but the undernews was that athiests tended not to be get accepted. The excuse was their system doesn’t work on everyone and every type of personality, and I had unspecified things that made me fall in that small slice of people, but don’t worry, someone would still love me and maybe someone else’s system would find that improbable person.

            Ten years later I’m still single. I think my interests answers were extremely misanthropic, come to think of it.

        2. Silly non-religious person the appropriate response is a lawsuit. Then you can get compatiblepartners.com made by the same people as eHarmony, but walled off so the Christian folks don’t accidentally see you.

          Seriously though, Match.com doesn’t care who you are. Your money spends exactly the same to them, and OKCupid has more transparent metrics.

        3. Important: This may be the largest attractiveness-gap in human history. It’s safe for work, no nudity, but may give you a right-angle boner. Forewarned is forearmed.

          http://bloggingheads.tv/videos…..&out=15:18

          1. He’s very…odd looking. Not repulsive, certainly; Warty would fuck him.

            1. She’s so shiny!

              1. She’s an even mix of Leighton Meester and Linda Fiorentino.

          2. Oh, no! The largest attractiveness gap was between the fat female student who wrote herself a fake “rape” post ostensibly targeting her and her husband. It was in the news a week or two ago.

          3. He looks like an edward gorey character

            http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aGAA…..orey01.JPG

      2. If I wanted God’s match I would go to ChristianMingle Equally Yoked*

        *I wonder if they (or anybody else who uses that terminology) realize how assholish that sounds

        1. See, I would think Equally Yoked would be a dating site for musclebears.

          And if you want to do some banging, why not just move into the big leagues and join Fetlife? You’d learn all sorts of things about yourself.

          1. In 2012, FetLife found itself at the center of a controversy regarding its policy that users pledge not to “make criminal accusations against another member in a public forum,”[4] which many of its users object to[5] on the basis that it prevents them from warning other users of alleged rapists, murderers,[6][7] and sexual predators who frequent the site.

            Sounds like just your kind of haunt, Warty

            1. I have a friend in real life who frequents that place. He has stories.

          2. What the hell is that? Guys who dress up in metal armor and fly around on jetpacks?

        2. I knew a guy who his fiancee’s minister refused to marry — that is, provide wedding services to — oh, you know what I mean! — due to the couple being “unequally yoked”. Apparently he thought the guy’s obvious atheism doomed the couple to be separated after death.

          1. IIUC, the concept is that marriage is a sacrament from God, and so if one of the parties to the marriage doesn’t accept God, it can’t be a “real” marriage.

            1. Well, the couple got hitched anyway, so I suppose the yoke’s on the minister!

              1. And puns, Loki, libertarianism, deviancy and puns.

          2. I thought the couple’s are separated after death anyways, becuse you’re too busy being married to Jesus in the afterlife. Isn’t that the point of the whole “’til death do us part” thing?

        3. Wait, EquallyYoked is not a parody site?

          1. Not as far as I know. I’ve seen an ad for it on the street.

            1. And “(un)equally yoked” is, unfortunately, something some people actually say

        4. ChristianMingle.com — because everyone at church knows that your Hershey Highway is well-travelled and in need of repair.

    2. No shit. When it looked like I was moving to Fort Leonard Wood in Nowhere, MO, I got on there and checked to see how awful the local pool was. It was even worse than I feared. So I ran a Houston search for comparison purposes, and it was…not great.

      On the other hand, my baby sister met the dude she’s probably going to marry, a guy I can even tell is good looking who’s a private pilot that shoots AR-15s for fun every weekend, so it’s apparently not totally devoid of decent people.

    3. In my experience, OKCupid was much better quality. Like, not even close.

      1. Yeah, from browsing OKC the prospects look at least a bit better.

        Both of them are just bursting at the seams with black women. NTTAWWT, but I wonder why the proportions are so skewed (assuming they are) compared to the general population in my area.

        1. Are you kidding? Black girls love themselves some white dude with a job and not in prison.

          1. True. I also think white and Asian girls might join in smaller numbers because they’re, depending on their age, meeting people at college or grad school or spending their time being “career women”

        2. The Lawton, OK listings were hilariously bad. Every woman had a kid (usually two), and the only truly attractive one screamed SKANK!! so loudly that I think Episiarch married her yesterday.

          1. Like I would marry one. Do you have a link to her page?

            1. You would tell her you were going to though.

              1. Whatever it takes. Especially for anal.

                1. Tyler Cowen uses his heterodox econometrics to determine that $20 extra will usually get you anal from a street-walker. It’s affordable fun for the whole family.

        3. The interface and match question system also makes it a lot easier to find girls that match your preferences.

      2. My friends who are sad and pathetic enough to do online dating have told me that OKCupid is a good way to lay some pipe.

        1. My friends who are sad and pathetic enough to do online dating

          Some of us ask for permission first, Warty

        2. Friends? Warty, you don’t have any friends. AuH20 and I don’t aren’t you friends, either.

          1. Warty has rapecquaintances.

            1. Well that’s certainly true. But the idea that he is calling me a friend gets me so mad I have will talk like John.

              1. Nobody called you friend, guy!

                1. You’re not my buddy, friend.

          2. Correct. My friends don’t make such pitiful typos…SugarFree.

            1. SugarFree doesn’t have the time to sockpuppet me. He’s too busy cowering in fear at the thought of candy.

    4. Don’t think of them as fatties, think of them as practice girls.

      1. If you sex them in the armpit there’s no need for a condom. Most of the time.

      2. as my pa once told: “me fat girls are like scooters fun to ride until your friends find out.”

    5. Pick a fold and fuck it.

      God, are there no females in your part of America?

      1. Hit and Run: Come for the libertarianism, stay for the deviancy.

        1. +69

  25. California’s health exchanges will likely be operating under a pretty thick veil of secrecy in regards to contractor costs.

    That should be “in regard to.” “In regards to” is non-standard.

    1. well…to be even BETTER it should be “With regard to”

      1. And to be more polite it should be “with sincerely regards to”.

        1. And to be even more polite it should be “with since regard to”.

          Out.

        2. Give my regard to Broadway?

    2. It’d be shorter and cleaner to say “California’s health exchanges will keep contractor costs secret.”

  26. “Hezbollah’s chief says Syria will be providing them with “game-changing weapons,” in the event anybody thought the situation out there wasn’t going all to hell fast enough.”

    Even if the Syrian resistance somehow gets Assad’s head up on a pike where it belongs, they’re going to have to beat Hezbollah out of Syria, as well. Assad isn’t really the issue anymore. I doubt Assad could put a stop to this–even if he wanted to.

    Oh, and the Russians, the Iranians, and Hezbollah are the Syrian people’s worst enemies–not Israel and not the United States. If the Syrians who are resisting Assad don’t realize that yet, it should start to sink in soon.

    Muslims throughout the rest of the Middle East should start waking up to that fact right about now, too. About time for all those jihadis to stop thinking about resisting the United States and Israel and start thinking about Hezbollah and Iran.

    1. That would be rational, but co-religionists (even Sunni/Shiite) will always be preferred over Jews and Christians.

  27. Hezbollah’s chief says Syria will be providing them with “game-changing weapons,”

    …and reveals himself to be a fucking moron at the same time by announceing it to the entire fucking world.

    1. I think they want Israel to know that their last little incursion was unsuccessful.

      …just like they wanted Israel to know about those anti-aircraft batteries that Russia is selling Syria.

      The message they’re sending is that Israel’s raid was pointless, and next time they’ll be facing some pretty sophisticated anti-aircraft weaponry, too.

  28. Where to find the smartest commenters on the Internet

    We don’t make the list. I blame deep dish pizza threads.

    1. 15. Huffington Post

      AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

      1. Wait’ll you get to number 4.

      2. WHAT?!?

        HuffPo has the worst commenters I have ever seen. They are the dumbest people in the universe.

        1. YouTube is #1.

        2. Turns out this isn’t the top 15 sites. They just took 15 sites and ranked them. So Huff Post isn’t 15/internet total. It’s 15/15.

          1. In which case I totally want to see where The conscience of a liberal would end up.

            1. They based it entirely on vocabulary, I think. Like they ran it through an internet site that grades by ‘reading level.’

              That’s why the New York Times has such a high ranking even though most of the commenters there are idiots. The sample quote they use is unbelievably dumb, but it uses high grade vocabulary and therefore ends up near the top of the list.

        3. It actually says you only need a 5th grade reading level to understand the comments there.

      3. Looks sarcastic. Includes TheDC.

        1. Oh, nvm, it’s based on reading levels.

          1. I’d like to see the algorithm. It probably just counted vowels between spaces. So “Icutmynutzoffmysefwitaspoon” skews the results a little high

        2. Looks sarcastic.

          This is why you should read the article, I guess.

          HAHAHHAHA! This is from the New York Times.

          Sample comment: “In fact, homo sapiens is an evolutionary mistake by virtue of the impact man has on the total environment. I would have to say that as an elder person (71) the devastation of the environment the beauty and the beasts helps me to accept my death because it is too painful to witness the guano of human destruction.”

          Oh, man. Progressives are miserable, pathetic people.

          1. The guano of human destruction? I’m pretty sure that comment was written by a Markov chain.

            1. I also like ‘evolutionary mistake,’ as if evolution makes choices and just fucked up when we popped out.

              I don’t think that guy knows how evolution works.

              1. I don’t think that guy knows how evolution works.

                To be fair, he is 71 and senility may have set in.

          2. BuzzFeed has “articles”?

            Anyway, I already corrected myself.

          3. I would have to say that as an elder person (71) the devastation of the environment the beauty and the beasts helps me to accept my death

            My response would be “Well then hurry up already, asshole.”

            1. Assholes like this are why we need to hurry up and build the Deathcoaster.

    2. You fool, it’s pretty obviously the fact that we need dozens of labels to understand political cartoons.

      1. Some of you need labels.

        I propose getting hold of whatever comment-interpreting-software they used, followed by a commenter purge until we get this place up to goddamn snuff.

        1. The Readability comparison software

          This is really really stupid:

          In general, these tests penalize writers for polysyllabic words and long, complex sentences. Your writing will score better when you: use simpler diction, write short sentences.

          1. Did you expect it to be anything but? It’s a concrete fact that any list on the internet is going to be as fucking retarded as a VH1 Top Whatever Something list.

            1. Epi’s comment scores a 66.34 on the reading ease index.

              1. Grade level was a 7.98, which puts you on the level of a Slate reader, you stupid, poorly educated monster.

                1. Grade level was a 7.98, which puts you on the level of a Slate reader, you stupid, poorly educated monster.

                  And then there was that Village Voice joke upthread.

              2. Irish’s scores a 78.20?!?

                1. My grade level was a 3.72. I’m why you never go full retard.

                  1. If you were ever sober it might help.

                  2. I’ve been putting in random Aqua Teen quotes. I’m hoping to find one that scores above 90 or below 10.

                    1. Sex with animals?? There’s no time, man!

                    2. Only 82.43.

                    3. Sadly, “The only thing bull semen ever did for me was activate my gag reflex” only gets a 71.77.

                    4. I’m going to try some writing from Amanda Mckittrick Ros. She’s widely believed to be the worst writer of all time.

                      Here’s the beginning of one of her books:

                      Have you ever visited that portion of Erin’s plot that offers its sympathetic soil for the minute survey and scrutinous examination of those in political power, whose decision has wisely been the means before now of converting the stern and prejudiced, and reaching the hand of slight aid to share its strength in augmenting its agricultural richness?

                      IT SCORES A 3.53 ON THE READING EASE SCALE! READING LEVEL OF 26.93!

          2. Your writing will score better when you: use simpler diction, write short sentences.

            “Fuck you, cut spending.”

          3. For example, “FYTW” scores 97%.

            1. Jinx, hamilton!

    3. In fact, homo sapiens is an evolutionary mistake by virtue of the impact man has on the total environment. I would have to say that as an elder person (71) the devastation of the environment the beauty and the beasts helps me to accept my death because it is too painful to witness the guano of human destruction.

      Sample comment used as evidence for the NYT being 2/15.

      1. So we need to all comment with pretentious pseudo-intellectual gusto for one article and get our asses rated?

        1. In solidity, jesse is an augumentational blunder by attribute of the encounter he has on the absolute habitat. I would have to affirm that as a decayed body (71) the scourge of the aura the delicacy and the stock helps me to accept my tomb because it is too throbbing to corroborate the guano of ethological dissolution.

          1. (adds Warty to Approved Commenter list)

          2. GRADE LEVEL 15.61! WARTY IS A GENIUS!

        2. Well, my ass is probably around a 7.5 on scale of 1-10.

    1. posted it in the PM links yesterday and the AM links today.

      but yeah, this kid owns the teacher. It makes me feel better that not all the upcoming generation are complete idiots.

      1. I need to hang out here more.

        Like, seriously.

    2. I always wondered what happened to Nelson, you know, After the Rain.

      Seriously, that kid appears to have watched the full run of Jerry Springer episodes from the ’90s.

  29. Today on feminist fury:

    The Onion Can Go To Hell

    I am not failing to find the “humor” in this garbage because I don’t “get” the joke. I get it. I get the play on “the one that got away” narratives (which, as a not-incidental aside, are themselves frequently markers of unhealthy relationship dynamics). I get that Brown is the intended target because he’s a fuckhead abuser. I’m not too unsophisticated to get it, and I don’t lack a sense of humor.

    I just don’t find jokes about beating a black woman to death funny. I don’t find jokes about beating anyone to death funny, particularly people from marginalized populations who leave them disproportionately likely to be victimized by violence (and less likely to find justice).

    Yep. When I think “Chris Brown”, I think “marginalized victim”. Christ.

    1. I’m not too unsophisticated to get it, and I don’t lack a sense of humor.

      You sho’ ’bout dat?

    2. It’s because Rihanna is “collateral damage”

      Remember, you can’t shame domestic abusers ’cause that could make their victims feel like, uh, victims.

      1. The response to Rihanna from feminists has been really interesting. Many think she is betraying the cause, etc. etc. by her choice to date brown after he abused her. Others recognize that it’s her choice, people can change, people can deserve a second chance, etc.

        But there really is a sizable contingent that thinks she should not be ALLOWED to even get back together with him, to include mandatory DV orders against her will to prevent them from pairing.

    3. “Hi, I spend my day looking for things to get outraged about while simultaneously purging myself of any vestige of a sense of humor. You want to hang out?”

    4. I just don’t find jokes about beating a black woman to death funny. I don’t find jokes about beating anyone to death funny

      Something tells me this stupid cunt would find jokes about Sarah Palin or Ann Coulter getting beaten to death hilarious.

    5. Jesus, those comments are something to behold. They are beyond parody They’ve proudly locked out any disagreement, saying you can’t have discussions on feminist thought, and actually use ungendered pronouns without any hint of irony.

      1. “THE HUGBOX WILL NOT BE VIOLATED!”

      2. I was going to comment, but a “prerequisite” was to read looooong posts on Feminism 101 and Rape Culture 101, and after a few paragraphs of each my head started to hurt.

        That sort of “progressive feminism” is a perfect example of an entirely self-contained, unassailable ideology. It anticipates all contrary opinions and simply defines them out of consideration, if not out of existence. ALL WORDS AND DEEDS MUST FIT THE IDEOLOGICAL TEMPLATE PROVIDED.

    6. “…I don’t lack a sense of humor”

      I just am very good at hiding it.

      1. What I was going to tell her is that one of the basic laws of humor is that if you take a subject too seriously, you won’t find a joke about it funny. A joke about a car crash may not make you laugh if a loved one recently died in a crash. That doesn’t mean the joke “isn’t funny” in any objective sense, just that you didn’t find it funny. And pretty much any joke, no matter how good, will not be funny to someone, at some time, for those reasons.

        Thus it would be more accurate for her to say that she doesn’t find it funny, or can’t laugh at it, instead of saying “it isn’t funny.” But that lack of self-awareness, and her sense that her feelings are objective reality, is distressingly common among feminists and on the left.

    7. “I just don’t find jokes about beating a black woman to death funny.”

      I don’t find fish tasty, or Michael Bay movies watchable. Did you have a point?

  30. Awwww shit. Cop Week starts on Monday. Hooray for many more drunken, violent thugs than normal in DC!

    1. Your comment scores a 78.55 on the Flesch Reading Ease scale and your grade level is 3.79.

      1. This comment scoring shit is totally not going to get old.

        1. hamilton gets an 80.31!

          1. Excellent. Time to lobby for a “Comment Score” button to go right next to the Edit Button. GET ON IT, SHACKFORD!

            1. FIX “PREVIEW” FIRST.

        2. I don’t get it.

      2. So you’re saying I can write for the WaPo or NYT?

        1. Can you look in a mirror and tell yourself that you’re as good as Maureen Dowd?

  31. Has anyone posted any of the parodies about the Dove Soap “Real Beauty” Commercials?

    This shit is hilarious.

    The Balls one, in particular.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzDUbUQ-qjg

    1. +my left nut

      1. “There’s more freckles than there used to be..”

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