Zero Tolerance

Pop-Tart Pistol?: 7-Year-Old Gets Suspended for Gun-Shaped Pastry


pastry gun kid
Credit: Fox Balitimore

A Maryland kid chewed his breakfast pastry into the shape of a gun at school and wound up with two days supension. The pastry in question was not named, but it's gotta be a Pop-Tart, right?

The Fox Baltimore affiliate is teasing the story on Facebook. 

7-Year-Old Joshua was suspended this morning from Park Elementary School in Brooklyn Park. Joshua says he was eating a pastry during snack time and trying to shape it into a mountain, the teacher said it looked like a gun and took him to the principal's office. Joshua's parents were called, he has been suspended for two days. Joshua's father says it's ridiculous since no one was threatened or harmed by the pastry. A letter will be going home to all students of Park Elementary School this afternoon. School officials declined to comment due to privacy issues

(A "mountain." Sure. Whatever you say, buddy.)

Tune in tonight at 5 for the details. 

Fun fact: A Google image search for "poptart gun" shows this kid is not alone!

UPDATE: Here's the full report from the Baltimore Fox station. At issue, whether or not the kid said "Bang Bang." Also, while we do not learn whether the pasty was a brand name Pop-Tart, we do find out that the filling was strawberry.

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  1. And hy is he aloowed to eat a pop tart in a Maryland school anyways? There’s no fiber in a pop tart.

    1. Eating pop tarts and making gun shapes. This kid needs to be taken from his care and put into some foster home.

    2. Some people can get badly fucked up by fiber.

  2. Some teacher had it out for the kid and found a reason.

    1. Or people are so monumentally stupid I’m afraid to walk outside.

      One of those two.

  3. parents care. damn

    1. I give up. I’m goign to happy hour.

      1. I’ll drink to that!

  4. Not threatened or harmed by the pastry? I bet the diabetics were shaking in their boots!

  5. Joshua says he was eating a pastry during snack time and trying to shape it into a mountain, the teacher said it looked like a gun…

    Seven years old and the kid can’t even chew his Pop-Tart into the shape of a mountain? What a dumbass. When I was that age I was already shaping my mashed potatoes in the very mountain where I would later to be abducted by aliens.

    1. Pics of the rectal probe or it didn’t happen!

    2. Dude! That didn’t really happen – you’re confusing memories of that time you watched “Close Encounters” stoned.

    3. Dear Fist of Etiquette,

      OMG, I registered just so I could reply to you. This is the funniest fucking thing I’ve read in weeks. Will you marry me? Other than that, thank you!

    4. Simple misunderstanding. He was attempting to make it look like the state of Idaho

  6. Going back to Jonathan Haidt’s analysis – I would suggest that progressives have a fairly automatic disgust reaction not only to guns, but to anything that can be construed to look like a gun. It’s no more rational than the disgust reactions Haidt attributes to conservatives. But tell us again how libertarians are actually closer to progressives due to the lack of automatic disgust reactions!

    1. Yeah I found that analysis to be pretty off myself. No one does disgust like an “enlightened” progressive.

    2. In the 1960s when Fidel Castro was the hero of the left, gun belts full of bullets were the top of the line fashion accessories for the people of the left wanting revolution in the US. How far we’ve fallen in 50 years.

  7. Joshua says he was eating a pastry during snack time and trying to shape it into a mountain, the teacher said it looked like a gun and took him to the principal’s office.

    Or boomerang. Whatever. The point of the story is that school is continuing with its original intended purpose of creating obedient worker bees for the State and, in that world, there can be no guns, even of the tasty kind.

  8. Full retard doesn’t even begin to explain this.


  9. Zero tolerance against forming the state of Idaho from a Pop Tart is necessary to protect our children from assault weapons. And Muslims.

  10. Joshua’s father says it’s ridiculous since no one was threatened or harmed by the pastry.

    i think Joshua”s father fails to appreciate how very much *more* ridiculous is would be if in fact the kid DID threaten and harm anyone with his pastry. i can imagine an entire school held hostage by a 7 year old wielding a modified pastry. ATF burns school down, naturally.


      1. HE’S GOT A BUN!

        1. AND ITS LOADED!!


    2. Why does anyone need 200 calories worth of pastry?

  11. This story comes from FOX News, therefore we can safely ignore it as right wing propaganda.

    1. There are people who ACTUALLY BELIEVE that if it comes from Fox, it must be a lie. It’s lazy thinking. People are stupid as hell.

  12. “Oh no! It was a classic Pop Tart block. “You’ll shoot your eye out!” That deadly phrase honored many times by hundreds of mothers was not surmountable by any means known to Kid-dom, but such as my mania, my desire for a Pop Tart, that I immediately began to rebuild the dike.”

  13. I am beyond the age of having to care about sending kids to school, but if I wasn’t… I might consider stopping Home Schooling my kids for a few months, so I could send them to public school every day with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches shaped like handguns, apples carved to look like grenades, burritos that look like RPGs, pizza slices that look like teachers with their heads cut off, etc. The opportunities are mind bogglingly endless.


  14. This is the epitome of stupidity! Do the text books show Patriots with muskets? Ban Pop-tarts and Textbooks.

    1. They might not. I noticed tonight that the book about transportation that I was reading to my kids had a picture of HMS Dreadnought that omitted any guns. And similarly unarmed jet fighters, sailing warships, etc.

  15. Oh, No! He’s got a pastry! I think it’s loaded!

  16. If the teacher is female, she should be ass-raped by Ted Nugent.

    If male, his balls (if they can be found) must be cut off….. ass-rape by Ted Nugent optional.

  17. This happened in Maryland? I can’t even pretend to be surprised.

    I’m sure that Joe Biden, Tony, Palin’s Buttlicker, etc. feel a lot safer now, knowing that this dangerous crazy gun nut has been stopped by our noble masters.

  18. “Pop-Tart”? Even the name is a combination of munition and misogynistic memes! He should have been expelled for even possessing one, gun-shaped or not.

  19. “Joshua’s father says it’s ridiculous since no one was threatened or harmed by the pastry.”

    I am not sure if I were Josh’s father I would be able to restrain myself from threatening or harming the teacher for this nonsense.

  20. “the teacher said it looked like a gun and took him to the principal’s office”

    My bet is that what the teacher meant by “gun” was “penis”. He or she, that teacher should be made to take a Rorschach test.

  21. Why why why why why – do people send their children to government-run schools? WHY? Stuff like this convinces me I’m Charlton Heston’s character from Planet of the Apes except that instead of apes, it’s just morons – Planet of the Morons.

  22. The reason the educational system is so broken is we have idiots running the system.

  23. I wonder how many days a tootsie roll would get you

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