Oscar Roundup 2013 (Or As They Call It At My House, Purim)

We watch the tedious award show so you don't have to.


Ann Romney wasn't available.

I just watched either the Academy Awards or the longest, most caustic sketch in the history of SCTV. For those of you who had the sense not to tune in, the main things you need to know about the night are:

1. Seth MacFarlane hosted. His manatees didn't work very hard on his jokes.

2. Michelle Obama announced the Best Picture winner. The losers were dispatched by a drone.

3. When Quentin Tarantino won a screenplay award for his slave-revenge flick Django Unchained, the orchestra played him off with music from Gone with the Wind. I assume that this was a last-minute switch, and that they had been planning to play it for Tony Kushner.

4. The high points of the evening were Shirley Bassey singing "Goldfinger" and an unexpectedly funny gag about The Sound of Music. So the night's big winner was the mid-'60s.

For a list of the victors, go here. Note that Sally Field didn't win an Oscar, but Hal Needham did.

NEXT: Oscars Handed Out

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  1. First!

  2. Michelle Obama announced the Best Picture winner.

    I thought Walker was playing a perverse joke, then I checked the source of all truth, USA Today.

    At some point I will cease being surprised by how base and lowest-common-denominator political culture really is, but inviting the obnoxious wife of a glamorous, economically illiterate killer into an incestuous industry-only circle jerk is a new low that even I couldn’t foresee.

    The lesson, as always, is never to doubt The Walker.

    1. this faux outrage will last a week!

    2. I agree. Michelle Obama’s job is to fuck the President. That’s it. She’s obnoxious and people who fawn over her are nauseating.

      1. She was also fucking the Hollywood wankers by presenting.

    3. I can’t even bear it. So glad I don’t watch the Oscars anymore. I would’ve spit up my popcorn.

    4. Glad to see Michelle Antoinette is demonstrating frugality and humility in these lean and recessionary times.

    5. I’m not going to pick on Obama’s kids, because they’re kids and that would be tacky, but I do suspect at some point in 10 years I’ll be tired of seeing them.

  3. The Oscar belongs to Canada!

    1. Argo fuck yourself!

  4. Jennifer Lawerence is gorgeous, but she tripped walking up the stage because her dress had an unnecessarily big skirt to it.

    And I guess Michelle Obama put on an undoubtedly expensive dress and such for a two minute appearance on television?

    1. “Jennifer Lawerence is gorgeous” — Do people really think this?

      1. “Jennifer Lawerence is gorgeous” — Do people really think this?

        She’s cute enough, I guess.

      2. Yes.

    2. And the award for the most austere use of the pardon powers for a modern era president goes to . . . Michelle’s husband, Barack Hussein Obama!

      Hollywood proglodytes beam with pride that they are on the forefront of societal progress for supporting the nation’s first black president no matter what hypocrites he makes them out to be. Give yourselves a clap! Or, the clap. May your piss always burn from this day to your last, Hollywood.

  5. Watching the Oscars baked is a better suggestion.

    1. Trey Parker and Matt Stone once attended the Oscars in designer dresses while tripping on LSD.

  6. The Onion won best tweet of the evening:

    Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhan? Wallis is kind of a cunt, right?

    Sadly, after five million hysterical “NOT OK!” replies they deleted it.

    The “not ok”/jezebel/upworthy mob is a fucking cancer.

    1. What would Ken Schultz say?

    2. You know, if they’d have the guts to stick with the joke for just long enough, eventually people would see that it wasn’t causing any harm, and it would have been a small victory for humor. Alas, even The Onion can’t muster that much courage. So, the question is, who today can?

      1. Conservatives and bible thumpers will cotton on to this, and soon the internet will be as lame as network tv.

      2. Guess who else wasn’t impressed?

        LeVar Burton ?@levarburton
        Calling a nine year old girl a Cunt IS NOT SATIRE!

        1. Yes, it is. In the context of The Onion‘s usual “reporting”, the tweet becomes satire. The only way it couldn’t be satire is to ignore the context or to capriciously assign certain boundaries to humor, which can only hold up at the individual level. So it’s perfectly fine for Levar Burton to say, “Hey, this isn’t funny to me.” It’s another, quite frankly asinine, thing to say that “And nobody else can laugh at either!”

          1. In the context of The Onion’s usual “reporting”

            More seriously, part of the problem is that tweets aren’t presented in a context, they get jammed into random contexts based on what search terms a particular user is using, which means context based humor like this ends up coming across a lot harsher on twitter than it would have in an article on their site.

    3. http://www.hollywoodreporter.c…..s-c-424113

      Yikes, Elizabeth Hawksworth’s tweet is full of so much smug.

      1. “woman of colour

        I bet she typed that with her pinkies up.

      2. Note to Elizabeth: 9-year-olds are not women.

    4. I only just found out who Quvenzhan? Wallis is.

    5. The Onion should have just raped her like Roman Polanski would have done, and then all of Hollywood would love them.

      1. Only if the Onion becomes a French citizen and moves there.

      2. South Park should – neigh – MUST spoof The Oscars. Bring back the manatees!

      3. +1

    6. As far as “inappropriate” jokes about children go, what percentage of the people outraged at this do you think have ever made/laughed at a joke about Trig Palin? What’s the argument for that type of joke as “real” humour and this tweet as something totally different?

  7. Ben Affleck’s hectic acceptance rant was refreshingly devoid of acknowledgments of either Mrs. Obama or Matt Damon. Good for Affleck.

    Daniel Day-Lewis was presented by Meryl Streep. The two most overrated thespians of their generation actually embraced for a second there. I’m surprised a Smug Alert didn’t sound over downtown L.A.

    1. I’m surprised a Smug Alert didn’t sound over downtown L.A.

      Would anyone have noticed if it had?

    2. Last Year’s Best Actress always announces this years Best Actor.

    3. That’s a terrible thing to say about the world’s best-known amateur cobbler (who is also a fine actor, though I’m not about to sit through a Spielbergian ode to warmongering when I can just as easily watch Blood or Last of the Mohicans, both of which are morally inoffensive).

    4. DDL is great. His best roles were in a Scorsese film about 19th century New York and in ‘There Will Be Blood’ by PT Anderson – the two best directors alive.

  8. The Onion is on fire tonight! Daniel Day-Lewis commentary: While I’m Glad I Won, I Personally Believe Abraham Lincoln Deserved to Die.

    To be clear, I am not pro-slavery, per se, although I believe certain aspects of the institution have been erroneously condemned due to historical amnesia. I am, however, in favor of states’ rights, and Lincoln’s decision in 1861 to suspend the constitutionally protected right to writ of habeas corpus on a federal level should have been enough justification for killing him in a public and brutal fashion. My director, Steven Spielberg, as well as every other cast and crew member on the film, may entirely disagree with me on this point, but that’s okay! I think disagreements over a film’s story are good, and only foster a richer and more stimulating atmosphere on set.

    1. That’s supposed to be a parody? It seems spot-on.

      /certain H&R commenters

      1. I got about half way through and had to make sure it was actually the Onion. I started hoping it was a legitimate quote by Mr. Lewis.

        This quote seems exactly spot on.

  9. When I turned on the television it was tuned to ABC for some odd reason but lo and behold, who did I see on screen but James Kirk. I can declare this the greatest Oscars whosie-whatsit in the history of the world.

    1. That’s James Tiberius Kirk, you culture-less philistine.

  10. Who’s Seth MacFarlane?

    1. MacFarlane is the guy who looks like Peter Brady or one of the Osmonds.

    2. Not sure if that is sarc but, he created Family Guy.

  11. Don’t really care about the Oscars, but just scrolled through the list of all the winners and EXTREMELY happy that “Searching for Sugar Man” won best documentary.

    1. Yes. And Rodriguez is on tour.

  12. Before i looked at the bank draft i did not believe that my friends mother make 4563$ in this month more this link and go to tech and home tab…

  13. “Oscar Roundup 2013 (Or As They Call It At My House, Purim)”

    Incidentally, they should make a Purim movie (right after the Maccabees movie).

  14. We watch the Oscars every year mostly so my wife can comment on the dresses. I suspect that’s about 80 percent of the reason anyone watches. Certainly not for the performances on display.

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